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Old 05-25-2010, 12:36 AM
HulkSmash HulkSmash is offline
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Default I have some questions....

There are a few things that I want to ask. First. I realize that by not listening to #1's boundaries I in-fact cheated on her. Not my intention- frankly I thought she would not mind at all. I thought that by her telling me she felt uncomfortable with me having a sexual relationship she was in tern trying to control my actions and prevent me from being WHO i am. I didn't realize that she truly was not ready- I should have listened. Hind sight...like they say is 20/20. Now, I cannot change the past but I would like to find a way to fix it. I see that many other couples have gone through the same type of issue- so if anyone has any pointers or suggestions please send them my way. I find myself at a loss of what to do because she doesn't let her self see how I am trying to make things better. How can you show someone you love them if they wont let you- because they have a wall up....
Secondly. How do I approach the situation I have created with the introduction of #2. I realize that I am the sole reason why #1 cannot feel comfortable with #2. And I feel terrible that I not only caused pain to myself but two people that I love and care for. What do I do...I don't want #2 to feel like I used her or that I have no regard for her feelings. #2 and I are not speaking as requested by #1... fully understandable...but it doesn't change that it is hard. Again, how do I make things right...without causing any unnecessary pain?
Third. I am interested in another woman. Refer to her as #3. And I was surprised that #1 was accepting of the idea and possibility. #1 did say that things needed to move slowly, and although I am struggling with my inner demons of being "controlled" by another person (especially a woman) I can accept when she tells me she NEEDS things to move slowly. I am sure others have found themselves in this same position... how do you cope with your own demons...and compromising without seeming like your pushing something on someone.... am I making sense?
Lastly. How do you approach a new relationship interest and explain to them the poly lifestyle? I do not want to scare her away or make her think that I do not care just because I care for other women...I want to explain it in a way that makes sense to someone who may be in the dark about this type of lifestyle. (Even though I don't think she is ) I just want to go about it in the right way. Again I do not want to cause any unnecessary pain for myself, #1, #2 or a possible #3....
Thanks for listening.
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Old 05-25-2010, 04:17 AM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Ariakas
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Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels
Third. I am interested in another woman. Refer to her as #3. And I was surprised that #1 was accepting of the idea and possibility. #1 did say that things needed to move slowly, and although I am struggling with my inner demons of being "controlled" by another person (especially a woman) I can accept when she tells me she NEEDS things to move slowly. I am sure others have found themselves in this same position... how do you cope with your own demons...and compromising without seeming like your pushing something on someone.... am I making sense?
Wow thats ballsy to say...I hate being controlled too, but its not gender related...its me related. I can't relate directly to what you are saying in that regard. Comprimise is something I do naturally, now! With communication and negotiation...it came from learning not to be selfish with the people I love. You just have to put faith in the fact that the people that love you aren't trying to control you

I have demons, in fact i talk about myself as a deviant/devil for the sake of...well myself. I won't go into detail, will just leave it there. I spend a lot of time balancing between my deviancy and real life. Don't get me wrong, I am not a "bad man", just have those things that lurk in the closet that scare vanillas ...

ok...you need to work with the most uncomfortable person in this. If she is uncomfortable with the pace you might want to take...work with her in understanding and relating...Keep communicating, don't push to hard and work with her...

Quote:
Lastly. How do you approach a new relationship interest and explain to them the poly lifestyle? I do not want to scare her away or make her think that I do not care just because I care for other women...I want to explain it in a way that makes sense to someone who may be in the dark about this type of lifestyle. (Even though I don't think she is ) I just want to go about it in the right way. Again I do not want to cause any unnecessary pain for myself, #1, #2 or a possible #3....
Thanks for listening.
No idea, I don't think there is a mystical secret. You know the people involved, approach them the way they communicate. Understand their communication methods and work with those

You might have to come to the realize you have to give your #1 time to recover from the affair...fine, it was with number #2 but its YOUR trust she may have a problem with. This may take time and you moving into another potential relationship with a new girl may create more pain. Take your time and build that trust up...

At some point...you have to realize relationships will never be about YOU. YOU have to figure out that they involved partners. Sometime sacrifice, sometimes comprimise, sometimes pure joy. I am glad to hear you have learned from your mistakes. Congrats, now take those lessons, apply them and don't repeat them ...

Quote:
I find myself at a loss of what to do because she doesn't let her self see how I am trying to make things better. How can you show someone you love them if they wont let you- because they have a wall up....
keep communicating...I can't imagine the amount of strength she has to continue to work with you after you have cheated. You have some ground to make up...

Lastly...and this is just a "feeling" I get...you seem to be talking more about sex then love. You sure you just don't want an open relationship without the feelings instead of poly. Poly inherently means, at some point, you are looking for other partners to love. That might be something to discuss further with your #1...figure out what you want...love, sex, bdsm...FWB etc.

ps...great that you two share a name, but if you keep posting and getting info, its going to get damn confusing for us trying to help...you may be a couple but you are two different people ...
Pretty sure her post was relevant...
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Old 05-25-2010, 04:35 AM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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I feel your opinionated views on gender roles and feelings of ultimate freedom show a lack of care and respect for your partner. I am a completely independent person, so I feel I understand you a little bit. However, as it's something I've had to learn as a virtue, I can spot when it's not there.

I feel the nature of a polyamorous relationship is essentially love. But not the feeling of love. The dichotomy of love, the "showing it" part. Care, respect, compassion, empathy, emotional fortitude, divine virtues, high sensuality, compromise, reciprocity.

Types of things (some aren't necessarily bad) that when shown or displayed will kill a relationship involving more than two people are, asymmetric thought, power struggles, first-person viewpoints, Hate, humiliation, envy, jealousy, hypocrisy(a big one), anger, and injustice.

I feel, you need to properly work on or "set up" your relationship with #2 or your main g/f|Wifey in a way to where when you guys are OK, and when you're spending less time with her and more time with #3 things will be in place for less drama and pain to be had and more examples of love. It's not all about you and your freedom.
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  #4  
Old 05-25-2010, 05:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
Pretty sure her post was relevant...
I hope I am not the her you are referring to...

<hint> I am not a her </hint>

I answered already, no need to cover all the bases again
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