Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-04-2012, 11:03 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Question Is it unfair to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work?

So my boyfriend and I don't really know what we're doing, as we're new to this whole world. I need advice concerning our open relationship. It's so hard to navigate this unknown world when there aren't a lot of examples to go by!!

I had been through a string of relationships where (1) the guy would eventually get so possessive that I couldn't even hang out with friends and (2) I inevitably became restless, sexually, where I just had the biggest urge to go out and cheat. Which I did, and it alleviated my boredom and restlessness, and helped me appreciate my bf again, but then I would feel so bad about keeping it a secret, that I'd tell and it would ruin everything.

So, after doing a lot of research, I though that in the next relationship had to have some degree of openness. I wanted to be able to have a one-off every once in a while with a man, and be able to build relationships with girls (as I have few female friends) and still be able to make it "more" if we so choose. And I didn't have a problem imagining the bf going and doing another girl, because in fact, I think the idea of a lovely lady enjoying my bf is extremely hot.

My boyfriend and I met at work where we are the only ones running the building during our shift. We agreed to go into this with open minds. For the last 9 months, our relationship has been very solid with lots of communication and trust.

So far, I have had a one-night stand with an old friend (male) and I also dated a girl a little bit, but that ended pretty quickly because I just wasn't that into her. He hadn't had any outside relationships until recently..

He met a girl at a bar and started talking to her. One night she came over, had some drinks and we all had sex together. It was a lot of fun, and I thought it was really sexy watching my bf fuck her. But since then, we've tried to hang out more and we've all gotten into bed a couple more times, but unfortunately I am quickly losing interest in her. She has ended up being kinda boring in bed, she doesn't do anything but lay there and despite saying she's bisexual and has had girlfriends in the past, she does absolutely nothing to/for me in bed. On top of that, the times that we've hung out and talked, she and I just haven't "clicked." I find her somewhat annoying and immature. So there's really nothing for me there. He is still somehow interested (even though she just lays there like a dead fish, how is that any fun??) and I gave him the blessing to hang out with her one night when I was at work. Well I thought it was going to be okay with me, but throughout the night, I was just worrying myself sick. I can't even pinpoint why, but I know I felt like complete shit. I knew where they were and what they were doing, and had given my okay for him to have sex with her. But it just killed me inside.

I think that a big part of the problem was that because we met at work and work together every other day except Thursdays, when he has off and I have to work, so being at work while he's at home fucking another girl, is really really hard for me because everything I do at work reminds me of him! I can't help but think that if I was working a job that had nothing to do with him I would be able to focus on that and put him and her out of my mind and not worry all night.

The thing is that they oh-so-conveniently both have one day off a week, which is Thursday, when I have to work. So the next week I told him he could hang out with her, but just this time not to be sexual with her, so that I could reassure myself that it is still alright with me for him to hang out with her without me. And it was fine. I went home after work and didn't feel shitty.

But now he wants to be able to do it again this Thursday, and I don't know if I'm ready. He claims that I am trying to sabotage his chances with her because I'm not crazy about her. Not true. I just don't want to be stuck at work while he's doing that. I want it to be that he goes and does her when I am out doing something (not necessarily with my lover, even just with friends) so that I don't have to think about it the whole time.

Also, I know that he doesn't want me to get into any type of relationship with another guy. A one-night stand or two is fine, but he's not comfortable with me being more than just fuck buddies with any male. With females, he doesn't care if I get close to them. So this is another issue, because if it were up to me he would not get close to other girls. But, as he has pointed out, and I know it is true, that it is way harder for men to get laid without getting to know the person first. So I guess I kind of have to just let him build relationships with his fuck buddies because otherwise I'm making rules that only suit me. This I realize but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

So I realize that our situation is not exactly polyamorous.. but it's not really swinging either. We both know that traditional monogamy isn't the right path for us, but we are having trouble forging a different path that will work for us, and we don't know where to turn for advice. If you read this, please tell me any insights you might have, and remember that we're new at this!

Main question: Is it unfair or unrealistic for me to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work? That he can only do it while I'm out doing something social as well?

Thanks for reading! And I'll answer any questions you may have if this post needs clarification.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-04-2012, 12:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,022
Default

Quote:
Main question: Is it unfair or unrealistic for me to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work? That he can only do it while I'm out doing something social as well?
Yes, unfair and unrealistic. His relationships are his to run on HIS time, not yours.

If he is doing things in your SHARED time and not being present with you (ex: on a date with YOU he starts texting all crazy all night with another honey) then that's another thing.

Quote:
I just don't want to be stuck at work while he's doing that. I want it to be that he goes and does her when I am out doing something (not necessarily with my lover, even just with friends) so that I don't have to think about it the whole time.
And what if you go out with friends and still keep on thinking about them? The prob is not where your BODY is. It is where your MIND is.

Why does your MIND keep going there?

GG
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-04-2012, 12:56 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

It seems like for most people this is always hardest the first time, makes little difference where/when it happens. Chances are very good that it will get easier. Don't you think you'd be just as jealous if he were taking time away from you to be with her, maybe even more jealous? At least this way it doesn't impact the amount of time that you and he can spend together.

I do feel compelled to say that feelings happen when you least expect them. You both may want to consider working on loosening your restrictions on developing actual relationships with other people now -- him too, not just you -- before someone ends up feeling betrayed. After all, how many bfs/gfs start as casual flings? Feelings happen.

Great resources on dealing with jealousy here: www.morethantwo.com

Good luck!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-04-2012, 01:14 PM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Default

Thanks for the responses. I don't know why my mind goes there? I know I am supposed to get the the root of the jealousy, but that's not even really the feeling I experience when he's with her while I'm at work. Its just this awful feeling in my stomach. It's not because I am worried she will take him away, it's not because I think that she's better in bed than I am, I just can't pinpoint what the issue is. I don't know how to get over this feeling. I've read all the literature I can find, including the morethantwo.com stuff. I wonder if I should try harder to like her? Maybe me and her should spend some time together? But I don't even really want to do that, because she's annoying!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:21 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 38
Default

I can empathize with your situation. I think one of the most important things to do first is to validate your own feelings. They might not be rational or logical or "fair" to your bf, but they are your feelings. I think it is also admirable that you can recognize how your feelings are impacting your physical health. I, too, feel my feelings not just in my head but in my whole body, and anxiety/insecurity/feeling excluded all go straight for my stomach.

I understand your wanting to be able to also be engaged socially (or at least mentally while at work) while he is, too. That is my preferred mode of experiencing separate dates and partners. But I think it is also extremely important to realize that this probably is not very realistic to do this long-term. And I think what AnnabelMore said may help you out: recognizing that at least the time he spends with her while you are at work isn't taking time away from the time you can spend with him. I think you could also request that while you two are together, he isn't taking time away from you to be texting/calling/emailing her.

It is also very important for me to at least respect my partner's secondary partners. If you think she is annoying, perhaps that is getting in the way of your ability to go with the flow. But I would recommend thinking about it this way: if you and your bf are usually on the same page about friends and other people in your lives, then at some point her annoying tendencies will get to your bf as well. You just need to ride the wave, and let him reach his own conclusions in his own time. (Of course you also need to see the possibility of this person staying around longer-term)

I think it will be important for the two of you to also address what each of you is allowed to do. If you want relationships, and not just one-night stands, with other men, then you have the responsibility to tell your bf that.
__________________
25 yr old queer woman with primary male partner, J
www.sexualityreclaimed.com
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-04-2012, 05:43 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PNW
Posts: 36
Default

I don't see how it's "unfair" to ask for what you need. Or maybe it's "unfair," but love is "unfair."

Your boyfriend should, I'd think, want to introduce and conduct his polyrelationships in a way that ease you into all needed transitions. Sometimes those transitions involve having to cope with and resolve feelings. In my view, THAT is the point of polyrelating--the relating, not the poly.

To put it another way, your jealousy isn't the issue I see. I can think of a hundred reasons why I might not want to be out struggling to earn a living while my partner was playing afternoon delight. I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to consider my feelings in that way.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that your unexamined, unprocessed jealousy get and keep the upper hand. And of course I am making these judgments from the standpoint of a very long-standing primary relationship (over twenty years, with nearly twelve of marriage). If you are wanting to set limits in a newer or more casual relationship with someone that are good for you, but the other person is balking, that may also be a sign that it's not the right relationship for you. One of the things that polyrelating can teach a person is that it's really not for you, or not for you with this particular person. And that's OK. It doesn't make you a less evolved, or less "edge" person. You can get that in other ways.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-04-2012, 05:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,022
Default

Skip what you feel. You feel whatever it is when you feel it.

Maybe you even feel annoyed he likes her when YOU do not and you have to deal with the fact that your BF's taste in partners is sometimes meh to you. *shrug*

We don't choose to feel feelings. They just are. What we choose is how to behave in response to those feelings -- react or act with intent.

I suggest you focus more on knowing and articulating your needs.
  • What do you need from him that is realistic and reasonable?
  • What do you need from yourself that is realistic and reasonable?

And to be honest, on some level I think it probably bugs you that while YOU cannot have more than fun flings on your side of the equation -- he can and is developing something more with this woman you don't even like. So how come you cannot with someone you DO like? For yourself?

Sort that out. Because while he's trying to limit YOU in that arena, you are now wanting to limit HIM in another.

A couple limit you BOTH agree to is an agreement you both agree to.

Limits imposed on others against their will/without their signing up for that? That is going to feel yucky.


GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 06:01 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-05-2012, 06:06 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Default

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to respond. I am already feeling like I have a better handle on things. I would like to keep the conversation going if I can..

Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I can empathize with your situation. I think one of the most important things to do first is to validate your own feelings. They might not be rational or logical or "fair" to your bf, but they are your feelings.
Thanks for that, I think both of us need to remember that. Just upon reading it, I realized, yeah, why am I beating myself up about feeling what I feel? They are valid emotions that can be worked through. I think on his end, he needs to remember to validate my feelings as well, and not to allow me to think that I'm wrong in what I feel, even though its inconvenient for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
And what if you go out with friends and still keep on thinking about them?
Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
I understand your wanting to be able to also be engaged socially (or at least mentally while at work) while he is, too. That is my preferred mode of experiencing separate dates and partners. But I think it is also extremely important to realize that this probably is not very realistic to do this long-term.
It feels good that at least someone shares my point with wanting to be engaged socially.The reason why I would prefer it that way is because we have done that, where he goes out with her and I go out separately, and it has been a much better experience for me. That way, both of us don't feel like the other should be texting them more, or feel guilty that we don't have time to send texts to the other, because we're both engaged socially. That is part of the issue. In the past when I've had to work and he doesn't, he texts back and forth with me all night because he knows how boring our job can be.

I understand that the ideal is that I don't get to dictate when and how he conducts his relationships, but we're not poly veterans here. This is very new to us, and I don't think it is wrong for us to have some boundaries as we work our way into this relationship style, and as Nudibranch said, he should be wanting to help me cope with transitions as needed. I do understand that it's not realistic to expect that this always be the case, but as I said, we're new to this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
I can think of a hundred reasons why I might not want to be out struggling to earn a living while my partner was playing afternoon delight. I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to consider my feelings in that way.
EXACTLY. And yes, my unprocessed jealousy shouldn't get and keep the upper hand. But thank you for articulating what I couldn't find the words for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
It is also very important for me to at least respect my partner's secondary partners. If you think she is annoying, perhaps that is getting in the way of your ability to go with the flow. But I would recommend thinking about it this way: if you and your bf are usually on the same page about friends and other people in your lives, then at some point her annoying tendencies will get to your bf as well. You just need to ride the wave, and let him reach his own conclusions in his own time. (Of course you also need to see the possibility of this person staying around longer-term)
I am probably having trouble going with the flow because yeah I'm not crazy about her. I guess the thing is that he has said also that he thinks she is a bit annoying, immature, and whiny. Maybe he is just agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing. But this is what I got out of what he's said: He's 34 (she and I are both 22), and he isn't going to have that many more opportunities to sleep with a hot young woman. (besides me I guess? ;P) Which I can understand. And he's kind of shy and I know it's hard for him to talk to ladies, so since she came onto him he probably feels he needs to hang onto her. Maybe my issue is that I am surprised at seeing him behave as more of a typical man, willing to put up with the annoyingness in order to have sexual access. I haven't seen that side of him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
And to be honest, on some level I think it probably bugs you that while YOU cannot have more than fun flings on your side of the equation -- he can and is developing something more with this woman you don't even like. So how come you cannot with someone you DO like? For yourself?
Yes, it totally bugs me. Because I can't have more than a fling with a man. I can and do have a very good girl friend of a couple of years that I have had a crush on for ever, and I am pretty sure she feels the same, we just haven't quite gotten to the next level yet. And he's completely fine with me having this love for my best friend that I'm interested in pursuing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Because while he's trying to limit YOU in that arena, you are now wanting to limit HIM in another.
Well, yeah. He says I can't have a relationship with a guy, and I say he can't fuck her while I'm at work. I would really like to be able to have the option of actually getting to know the guy I'm sleeping with. But I am okay with giving that up. So shouldn't he be willing to give up having sex with her while I'm at work? Or should we both learn to let go of those boundaries altogether?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-05-2012, 06:50 AM
Violet1 Violet1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 10
Default

So I've gone over most of the posts here with him, and he pointed out that I missed a part of the situation. While he works 4 days during the week with me at the job I've mentioned, he also gets paid to play in a band every weekend. They perform every Friday and Saturday. A lot of times I go with and watch, but not always. There have been times that he is out at a gig and I have made other social plans, either platonic or romantic. He says there is no difference, but I think there is, because when I'm at work I'm sitting at a desk doing mundane paperwork, etc. And when he's at work on the weekends, he's at a bar, with his bandmates, and is able to drink and socialize on set breaks. The night he met this girl was a night she was tending bar at the place they were playing. So he even has chances to meet women when he's at his "work." The problem lies in that those damned Thursdays are the only night he has off between the two jobs. I feel like at this point, I have to pretty much just let him do whatever, and just deal with feeling like shit. Which isn't a good position to be in, but what other option do I have?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-05-2012, 07:20 AM
Avy's Avatar
Avy Avy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: PDX
Posts: 9
Default

(Disclaimer: Newbie here with zero polyamory experience).

When I read your posts, I'm not hearing jealousy; I'm hearing envy.

He's getting to have more fun than you. Example 1: He had more fun with the girl, while you got bored of her (less fun). Example 2: He only has to work "4 days" at the job, and you work an extra day that he has off.

Does that resonate? If so, maybe the solution isn't to try to find a way for him to have less fun, but for you to find a way to have more fun?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundary pushing, control issues

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:07 PM.