Re-start after potential metamour talks smack...

[LovingRadiance]

Glitter-yes, there were some expectations for me to do what I consider "other people's emotional work" for her. I don't intend to change.

I think it is reasonable for me to meet with her, clear up the conflict and let her know what she can expect from me (not "what will I do for her"-but what she can expect I normally behave like).

Thank you for the reminder not to let myself be challenged to do other people's self-care.

[LovingRadiance]

Sigh.
I feel like a moron.
Maca told me she felt like she couldnt talk to me because in Jan I told her to stop emailing me (after she tried to tell me she knew the 'real' him and I didnt).

So, I broke my agreement to self, and wrote her a very short note telling her she could contact me, that my feelings had been hurt and that i had expectations for how to be treated which needed relayed to her.

She didnt take it well. They had drama, which rolled into drama here and pressure for me to fix it. I flipped out and walked out.

Should have stuck by my boundary of not going to her. She's not taking any responsibility for their relationship or her and mine. Im tired of being asked to 'step up' so she can flake out.

Im so angry i just dont have words.

[BoringGuy]

She must have some fabulous redeeming qualities if your husband keeps wanting to preserve a connection with her despite all the grief and drama she packs. I'm half serious and half sarcastic when i say that.

[LovingRadiance]

I'm totally serious when I say I have been thinking the same shit. I am sure she does have some redeeming qualities. But her immaturity and inability to deal with her own responsibilities in building new relationships is infuriating to me.

The 'I want our families to be friends and hang out' repetition gets VERY OLD when combined with her avoiding me and avoiding dealing with the one thing standing in the way of that supposed desire SHE has. If she wants that, she has a really funny way of showing it.
And
Of course its all my fault because I am too intimidating. Why? Because I'm not groveling on my knees begging to fuck her?!?!? That just might be because I dont want to fuck her and her physical beauty doesn't trigger in me a desire to get to know her.
I guess when you are used to people throwing themselves at your feet, begging for your attention, it might be intimidating to reach out and get to know someone who isn't desperate for your attention.

[GalaGirl]

I don't know what to say.

It's like she wants you guys to be tighter than it is. All you owe your meta is basic polite. You cannot force fit it into friends or best friends or lover if those types of sparks are just not there for you.

Baffling.

You sound like this on friendship -- If she wants to put forth effort, yay. If not, yay.

If she comes to family shindig things it's on MACA isn't it? To tend to her needs as her SO?

Even if you were being the hostess for the whole party, you can't have her as a clingon -- your obligations are to see to ALL the guests comfort/needs. (within reason) Not just one guest.

Weird.

GG

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks GG.
I'm calming down, working through my feelings and thoughts after a nap.

I'll post what I come up with later on (along with what I came up with regarding my expectations for treatment from metamours)

[LovingRadiance]

I worked to process my feelings today-I'm not done. But, here are some of the thoughts.

In my world, if a person wants a “restart” on our relationship after they have harmed me (regardless of circumstance), the following steps are necessary:

request a restart
acknowledge the harm you did to me
make amends for the harm (depending on circumstance they may be simple or complicated)
respect the current limitation of my trust
take concrete actions to show me the situation has changed, in order to built trust
not play avoidy games
not play 3rd party communication-communicate clearly and directly to me
accept that restart comes with limited privileges due to breach of trust
Finally, accept and understand that at no point, ever, does your closeness with someone else in my life automatically extend to you the privileges I extend to people I am personally close to. You can not ever get those privileges without doing the work to get to know me personally and build a trusting relationship with me personally.

[LovingRadiance]

I expect metamours to

respect our boundaries
communicate directly to me on issues regarding me
treat my children with kindness and respect
never talk bad about myself, GG or Maca in front of our children
respect my personal space
treat me kindly
not talk negatively about me behind my back
consider the consequences of their actions upon me
consider the consequences of their actions on M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their words upon me
consider the consequences of their words upon M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their actions on GG
consider the consequences of their actions on our children
consider the consequences of their words on GG
consider the consequences of their words on our children
NOT discipline my children
NOT undermine my, GG or Maca's authority with our children
NOT attempt to get in the middle of any of my other relationships
NOT attempt to undermine any of my other relationships
NOT treat me or my relationships with disdain
Be understanding of the limitations on our time for social activities


*every one of these is also an expectation I have for my friends and for Maca and GG's friends.

[LovingRadiance]

Well-they are continuing to bicker back and forth via text.

He and I have agreed that its wasting my time, energy and emotional resources for him to keep me updated about it. If/when she is ready to meet (the three of us) to go over the boundaries and apologize, he will let me know.

In the meantime, I'm not interested in the ongoing ranting and "muppet" behavior.

I did tell him, that between me and him, he can make plans as he see's fit-but I'm not ok with spending time with her OR having the kids spend time with her until the above listed steps are taken. I explained that its my job to protect my boundaries-and this is my CLEAR COMMUNICATION.

Her turn.

[Glitter]

Good for you! * applauds!*