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  #21  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:15 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
Personally I believe that the meaning of life is self improvement. So anything "worthwhile" is totally worth doing!
Grab the book "the seven levels of intimacy".

It's not a poly book.
It's just a relationship book.

Best relationship book I've ever read and I think it would really help you in some of the issues you are struggling with. Seriously.

If you have questions-feel free to PM me.
I will be gone for the next few days-but I'm always back.
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  #22  
Old 05-24-2010, 08:24 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Yes you did get that right and I really think you hit the nail on the head with this one. Please elaborate and tell me more if you can.
I'm not sure what more I can say about it. I just remember this being something I felt when I was in my teens. I couldn't control who my boyfriend was with before me, but now that he'd met me, I should be so special that no one else compares.

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I never even heard of poly until my gf. She was raised in a poly home so its totally natural for her, and Im still learning. But I do like the idea of being able to look for a bf while I have a gf. I cant ask her to be something that shes not (mono), and I dont want to loose her because of it.
You're saying 2 different things here. One, that the idea interests you because you could have a boyfriend. But, it also sounds like you don't see yourself having a choice because you can't change her. I think it's wise to know that you can't change another person. I just want to remind you to be true to yourself.

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I can totally see myself being more comfortable and accepting if I were more intimate with someone else, cuz its like I dont know until I try it. but like I said before, I feel guilty when I start to be intimate with someone other than my gf. I dont know if I should ask her to wait for me to do that cuz idk how long that will take and it doesnt seem fair to me.
I think it's absolutely fair, reasonable and necessary to take as much time as you need to try it out. When poly was first introduced to me, I was very adamant that I couldn't do it. I had never self-identified as someone who "cheated" (I have never cheated in my life) and didn't have a point of reference for poly in my life in a way that felt good, so I outright rejected it at first.

I felt guilty at first too. It took me a while to slowly, step by step, warm up to it to the point where I realized that actually, I have been this way my whole life. It still takes a bit of work for me to be able to be affectionate with someone in front of someone else I care about because I worry I'm hurting the person.

Take your time.
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  #23  
Old 05-26-2010, 08:05 AM
DD123 DD123 is offline
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
but now that he'd met me, I should be so special that no one else compares.
Exactly! How did you learn to overcome those feelings without hurting your partner and without hurting yourself?

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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
You're saying 2 different things here. One, that the idea interests you because you could have a boyfriend. But, it also sounds like you don't see yourself having a choice because you can't change her. I think it's wise to know that you can't change another person. I just want to remind you to be true to yourself.
My initial thoughts have been "how can someone be intimate with more than one person?"(these still pop up from time to time). but after reading and posting and learning and having a poly gf and doing my best to keep an open mind about it, I have thoughts that maybe this can work for me too. but I dont know if it works for me cuz I havent had the opportunity to try.
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  #24  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:42 PM
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Exactly! How did you learn to overcome those feelings without hurting your partner and without hurting yourself?
Well, at that time I can't say I did much without hurting my partner, but that's a different story.

I think it is just a matter of seeing your own uniqueness and loving it in yourself. The old adage of loving yourself. Finding it within rather than through external validation. Each and every time I have ever sought or attached to validation from anything outside myself, I've been pulled away from my own strength.

Are you any less special if she doesn't think so? If she sees in you what you love in yourself, does it make you any less if she sees something that she loves in someone else?

I relate to questioning whether or not you can be intimate with more than one person. If you get a chance to explore it, it will either feel right or it won't. (duh, don't I sound so wise, LOL)
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