Is it unfair to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by km34

I find this interesting... How is requesting that sex not happen in HER bed controlling his other relationships? . . . Condemning someone for that seems rather harsh.

KM, as I see AT's post, he was responding to Nudibranch's comment much further up the thread, so it is referring to the original question -- before the whole "they had sex in our bed" situation happened.

Violet1, I felt the same thing about the question you originally posted, and your logic about it. I thought that you simply wanted to maintain some sense of control over a situation that you had not quite resolved in yourself, and weren't actually okay with.

And now that a boundary was broken, it feels even more crazy and out of control. I think, though, that besides the rebuilding of trust that your boyfriend needs to do, you still have lots of work to do in order to really feel okay with poly. To me, when you said he woke you with "the delightful news," beyond the fact that you were awakened out of a sound sleep, your sarcasm made it clear that you wouldn't have wanted him fucking her alone no matter when or where it happens, even though you tell yourself you were okay with it. Your remark was like "joking on the square" -- it showed your true feelings. I had a sense from reading your first post that one major reason you want to participate is to keep an eye on him and feel like you have a handle on it all.

My sense is that neither of you are quite ready to manage the intricacies of poly just yet. Your task is dealing with letting go of the reins and trusting that you don't need to micromanage his dick in order to feel like your relationship is solid, and he needs to act with integrity in order to regain your trust and move forward.