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Old 09-03-2012, 11:52 PM
Josie Josie is offline
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Bah! I've just had a big emotional chat message off with my partner out of nowhere, all becuase of attractiveness.

We were talking about a week ago about people we've found attractive and he started talking about women that are in a different league to others, women who pretty much all would consider truly beautiful. He listed a few people with which I agreed. Then he mentioned a girl he's in love with and has been for some time now, a girl that for several reason's I can't help but have a little bit of a inferiority complex about (see thread I started in May).

I've come a long way with dealing with those issues but after having her categorised as more attractive than me I've blown a fuse. It's ridiculous.

I know that he loves me and it is me that he is currently prioritising as a relationship but my stupid ego is rearing it's ugly head and getting me all flustered and levels of attractiveness!

Has anyone else had unpleasant feelings because a partner's love/metamour is considered more attractive? How do you deal with those sorts of feelings?

Also, to clarify, I know that he does find me very attractive, so it's not that I'm worried that I'm not attractive enough for him. To be honest, I'm not even sure exactly Why I am worried, I just know that this unsettled me.
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Old 09-04-2012, 12:22 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yes-and somewhere in the last 3 years there is a thread on here all about it-though not my personal experience. There's a lot of useful info in that thread-but I'm not sure what it was called.

At any rate, yes, the last interest my DH had, was almost 15 years my junior and whilst I could say we had comparable looks if you take MY PIC from 15 years ago and compare it to her today, there's no doubt that she currently meets the "typical" definition of hot and I meet the "typical" definition of middle aged.

My emotions went up in arms and there were quite a few questioning myself moments-including wearing long sleeve shirts for months-because I was so self-conscious about my arms.

I forced myself to re-read a some posts by RP about the beauty of an older woman and the experience they come with until I started to get past the dread.

The bottomline is that comparisons suck. No two ways about it. Even if you are on the "top" of one comparison-they suck.
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Old 09-04-2012, 12:53 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default I FOUND it! Amazing!

Here's the thread:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...oman%2C+beauty

Here's a copy of my post in it. I realize the details are a bit different, you weren't referencing a younger woman-but the point remains the same:

Ah,
nothing like knowing you yourself aren't shallow when you look at other people, and you can love them inspite of all of their flaws, but using that shallow mirror on yourself.
So many of us women do that.

I've been with Maca 12 years. Not too different a time frame there. I have 4 kids, 3 of my own body. Stretch marks, sure. I had F cup boobs till they cut 'em off a week ago. Suffice it to say that they... hung. You know.
Anyway-now they are wrapped up in a billion layers of bandages and little B's that can't be seen. Tubes sticking out here and there. I look like an 80s science project gone wrong-seriously!

Guess what?

I look in that mirror and more often then not-I grown. I SEE the hot little young 20 somethings looking at my husband who know one realizes is nearing 40 because he still LOOKS like he's a mid 20s. (blonde/red hair, blue eyes, kick ass arms, baby face)

But here's the thing-even though he looks at them, and one day he may find one that he wants to hook up with too,
When he crawls into bed at night, he's not looking at me with that "damn, wish you had the same tits you did when you were in school." He's looking at me with that "OMG are you going to do THAT right now? with me?!"

Sometimes it really pays to stop and pay attention. Seriously-
it's not easy to make yourself do.

It's easy to pay attention the attention that they pay someone else.

Personally-I wouldn't ask him or tell him how you are feeling YET-I am ALL for honest communication.

BUT FIRST-check his actions, because they say actions speak louder than words.

Walk into that bedroom tonight. Wait till he's there, pull your shirt off slow, sexy, set it on the dresser, chair whatever. Talk with him about what you love about him.
Watch his face, stare into his eyes while you are talking, then unzip your jeans, slide them down and kick them off.

Take a few steps in his direction while you tell him how much you love the way he makes love to you (or if you like a little more dirty talk, the way he (pick your dirty way of putting it and fill it in here))
Slip the panties off and let them fall on the floor too.

I always left my bra on for MY ability to feel a little sexier, but you can take it off and drop it on the end of the bed or leave it on as you see fit.

Then climb up over him and DON'T START SEX, just keep talking to him and hopefully by now he will have figured out how to talk too.

Watch his face, watch his EYES.

Does he look at you like he still see's you as the girl he first fell in love with?
Does he look excited?
Does he look like he loves you?


See-I learned this one from my boyfriend,
He doesn't see me as I am today. I have to ACTUALLY SHOW HIM the changes with pictures for him to notice them. He still see's me the way he memorized me 17 years ago. Seriously.

When you close your eyes and you picture your husband, what do you see? Is he beautiful? Is he sexy? Does he make your motor hum?


DO NOT compare yourself to "her". That is ARBITRARY.

My bf and my husband look NOTHING alike. NOTHING. One is tall, one is not. One is dark haired and balding, one is blonde/red haired and not balding.

Ok, they do both have goatees...

One is skinny almost emo looking body type, the other is muscular and compact (not heavy, but damn sure not emo).

They also don't TALK alike, ACT alike, THINK alike. They are TOTALLY different.

But I love BOTH of them and I am turned on by BOTH of them. There are parts that I love on both of them-that are COMPLETELY different. Uh huh. Like arms, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husbands muscular arms, they wrap around me and I feel safe. Sex... omg the power in those arms changes the whole dynamic!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my bf's arms, not muscular at all. They are long and they wrap all the way around me and it's like the tentacles of an octopus enclosing me in his love.

So even though they are TOTALLY different-I still love them both often for the same OPPOSITE attributes!!

Your husband may very much enjoy this woman's "beauty". But he OBVIOUSLY enjoys yours as well, or he wouldn't be with you!

YOU need to FIND your beauty.

I was lucky in that I was NEVER self-conscious about my stretch marks. In fact I have a friend-who has DARK burgundy stretch marks from the birth of her first child-my godson. I find those marks so moving when I see them (not often). I am bi-but I'm not interested in HER that way. But I see those marks and all the emotions of that little boys birth flood through me, my nipples get hard,(I'm just writing this and it's happening) I get goosebumps to my toes, my motor starts humming.

So she stands around ALL THE TIME (kid is 13 years old!) talking about how much she HATES those stretch marks. She see's them as a flaw, but I see them and an otherwise not attractive to me woman, becomes beautiful....

My exgirlfriend looked at me once and said I was beautiful (actually she said it a lot) but this one time I got the balls up to actually ask her, no whining, just serious as day, "what is it that you think is beautiful, paint a picture of me through your eyes so I can see what you see"

She said I was like water.

Now a lot of people would respond to that with a "and so" wonder in their minds, but for me, I was watching her face, the face I found so beautiful. Her eyes were engaging, her skin flushed, she was drawn into me. She told me I was like water, soft and smooth and flowing from one place to the other with a rhythm all my own. All of this to describe how much she loved my NOT taught, firm, muscular body.

All the time I had been bent over losing those tight abs, those muscular arms. Hating the wiggly-jiggliness of my belly. And she was THE WHOLE TIME, LOVING the exact thing I hated!!!!

That ended it for me. (not with her)

I stopped presuming that what I see in the mirror is what someone else see's, because it's not!

First-watch him WITH YOU and stop watching him with her for a bit.
THEN-ask him to tell you what it is about you that he loves, what it is about you that turns him on, what it is about you that he simply finds irresistable.

IF you still feel insecure after that-then confess your emotions asap.
IF you don't, then tell him, "you know honey-I was feeling insecure, but after watching you and seeing _________, after hearing what you told me you love about me etc, I feel SO important, special, sexy (whatever).
Then ask him if he would help reinforce that emotion in you by reminding you of those things so you can retrain your brain to see you as he does, not how you do!
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Old 09-04-2012, 02:40 AM
jndmoore jndmoore is offline
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Wow LovingRadiance! That is the best advice I think I have ever heard regarding your self confidence. I have to watch my husband's reaction to me because of the same thing you mention. I have a mommy's body now, stretch marks, sagging from breast feeding. Sometimes I'm able to look at these things as badges of pride and honor, then my 8 year old tells me 'Mommy, you have a floppy belly'. But when my husband sees me, he still looks at me like the day we met when we were 19, my confidence soars and I know that what I see in the mirror is not what he sees.
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Old 09-04-2012, 02:52 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Thank you.

We all have good days and bad days. Certainly, me included! But, it does help to read these thoughts and remind ourselves.
Galagirl frequently talks about how feelings are like weather. I find that helpful to remember too. These negative feelings are like a storm blowing through. It may be a doozy, but it will eventually pass.
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Old 09-04-2012, 03:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
he started talking about women that are in a different league to others, women who pretty much all would consider truly beautiful. He listed a few people with which I agreed. Then he mentioned a girl he's in love with and has been for some time now, a girl that for several reason's I can't help but have a little bit of a inferiority complex about (see thread I started in May).
Can I take a stab in the dark? (And I could be totally off the mark but I will stab anyway.)

And were the other people like movie star celebs? That are safely out of reach that he would NEVER actually have rship with? So it felt "safe" to you emotionally to ponder?

And then came this "in real life" chick -- who sends you into emotionally unsafe land because she IS real and reachable?

And then this ack/jealous/fear thing comes up because god knows if she's from the land of Jedi Players or some muppet show freak?

And you have nooooo control over that and can only wait and see how the rship with your shared honey simmers along. As he (and you second hand) get to know her and her ways if he is going to try to explore something there with this woman. And the anxiety because if she fucks him up and walks off YOU are the one left holding the emotional bag that is the mess that is him. And what did you do? Nothing.

Welcome to polyworld heebie jeebies! "Buckle up! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Poly is edge play of the heart, man. Both horrible AND wonderful at the same time. Right out there on the edge. A poly friend of mine recently made me laugh so. "OMG! I could tell you stories that would make you hair curl and then I could tell you stories that could make your chest explode!"

I soooo dislike dating. I like ORE so much better and the players are KNOWN quantities then with solid character references. Sigh. Strangers are scary! But everyone has been at the square one place sooner or later. *hug*

Hang in there!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 03:42 AM.
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Old 09-04-2012, 10:26 AM
Josie Josie is offline
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Thanks very much for the advice!
I think in the end, rationally, I know that I am loved and atrractive to my partner and that it shouldn't really matter if other people are 'more' attractive.
I think I just needed a chance to be told that. No matter how many times you tell yourself something, I find it's always more believable coming from someone else.

Galagirl: They weren't celebrities, they were people we know but they are so out of reach that they may as well have been celebrities.
I get your point and I think that probably has a lot to do with it. When it's someone far off it seems less 'threatening' so to speak that they are more attractive but this girl is a friend of his whom he used to be closely intimate with and still wants to be. So it's a little more close to home.

I'm not bothered about him being attracted to other people, it's the 'more' that's got me all weird.

I think I just need to sit down and have a long chat with my ego to straighten things out.
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Old 09-04-2012, 12:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
When it's someone far off it seems less 'threatening' so to speak that they are more attractive but this girl is a friend of his whom he used to be closely intimate with and still wants to be. So it's a little more close to home.
Yes. It's always unnerving when it is close to home.

There's also dealing with the fear of "Ack! What if they leave me for them because they are better?!"

But really? They could leave any time. With or without another person in the picture.

So it isn't so much about where they go. It's what keeps them coming BACK -- be the best self you can be since it is YOU they want to be with and the unique YOU things you can provide.

Hang in there!
GG
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Old 09-04-2012, 05:14 PM
Morgan Morgan is offline
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LR, what a great reply. I just messaged this quote to my wife.

Ah,
nothing like knowing you yourself aren't shallow when you look at other people, and you can love them inspite of all of their flaws, but using that shallow mirror on yourself.
So many of us women do that.
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Old 09-05-2012, 12:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It's true-we all need "pick me up" reminders! I re-read my old post twice this week, because its a good reminder for when I'm feeling off too.

We spend a lot of time judging ourselves against the mirror-I find it very difficult when someone else does it to me-and I try valiantly not to do it to other people. But, sometimes I do it to myself and that sucks!
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