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  #1  
Old 05-17-2010, 01:16 PM
cori cori is offline
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Default Happy with new relationship-domestic hell

I am new to Polyamourous relationships, but Im very confused
I have been married for 14 years , we have two children. I had been unhappy in our marriage and in myself for a long time. I had tried to talk to my husband about my issues but our communication has been pretty poor which i suppose has lead to relationship breakdown. About two years ago I started chatting online and got to know various people. I finally admitted to myself that my relationship was not working and I was amazed that i could communicate openly with new people and get the responses i needed. My confidence grew and i started to explore the possibility of finding a new relationship. At the same time I still cared for my husband and he is a good dad, the possibility of seperation seemed inconcievable due to our finacial situation. We stopped having sex about 18 months ago , moved into seperate rooms etc. He seemed to accept this and did not try an alter things. Meanwhile i started dating, he was aware of this but I wasnt totally upfront about it (meaning I didnt tell him 'im going out with x tonight) . At the end of last year i met someone new who is openly polyamarous. The chemistry was instant, and I was/am impressed by his ability to communicate openly and honestly and his ability to face at difficult issues head on.
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:33 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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I think you guys need to go your separate ways. Your new interest may be poly and that may be the way you decide to go with your life, but it doesn't seem like your hubby really is wired that way. Again, that's ok but it seems to me that the best course of action is that you and he go your separate ways and you live your life. JMO of course and good luck.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
Have you tried to work through why your husband has disconnected with you? Sought counselling? Maybe he was distancing himself for a reason.

Also, he may still value his relationship with you, but not need sex. By going to someone else for sex and loving you may just be rubbing salt in a wound you don't know about.

Usually the rule of thumb is to not to involve a poly relationship until the other relationships involved are healthy. Yours, with your husband, is not healthy. It wasn't healthy before poly and won't be because of poly.

Poly, imo, isn't about finding other people to fill those huge gaps your other partners don't fill...I don't love other people because my wife doesn't do it for me anymore...I love other people because I love other people. Period.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:02 PM
cori cori is offline
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Its just not possible to go our seperate ways at the moment. Its a finacial issue.

I tried the counselling approach , i asked him to seek counselling for his issues as I had done for mine. We tried relationship counselling so we could at the very least try to be friends but he didnt want to really engage with the process.
Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.
I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.

By the way, i think i probably or could be polyamorous, ive never really felt monogamus. I am quite inspired by the possibilities when the communication is so open and honest.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.
You miss my point. Moving onto a secondary relationship while the primary is not working is asking for some problems. Thats all. Sorry if I wasnt clear, that happens sometimes

Quote:
I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.
If he doesn't want to open up
if he doesn't want to communicate
If he doesn't want counselling
if he doesn't want to work on the relationship (monogamous or otherwise)
If you REALLY can't leave

Than I believe you are running into a big ole wall. I would say he is holding you emotionally hostage to be honest. You can't do what you are trying to do without hurting him. Have you tried getting him to read any of the information about being in an open relationship.

Opening Up (very polyscentric)
Ethical Slut (about open relationships in general)
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Maybe he is a quiet introspective guy that needs to figure this out on his own...hopefully getting him to read on it will help.
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Old 05-17-2010, 06:36 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I realize your marriage isn't working out how YOU planned it, but it takes two to tango and yes, you have and are cheating as far as I am concerned.

If you really aren't happy and he really isn't willing to do the work to reconnect with you then I think you both need to find good therapists to work on getting through the pain you have caused by taking this path way back when you were not getting your needs met and decided to take the road of deciet rather than integrity. I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.

I'm really quite dismayed that a poly guy would be interested in engaging with a cheating woman. Not very poly and a tad opportunist. What's he thinking!

You've got some work to do it seems to make this right. Lots to talk about with your husband. You broke trust with him sex or no sex. Intimacy or no intimacy. Just because your marriage wasn't going to your plan doesn't give you the right to become selfish. Rather it was time to get to the bottom of it and not be complacent. You missed the boat to sorting it out in both your best interest really. So get to work and do it now would be my suggestion.

Now, I realize this post will be uncomfortable and not be what you want to hear and for that I apoligize. From the info given and from my experience, its my opinion and you can take it or leave it. Your choice
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Old 05-17-2010, 07:23 PM
cori cori is offline
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RedPepper
that is really Judgemental, i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago. Where is the deciet?
I agree it takes two to tango and we both have responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. What I am trying to do is salvage some kind of friendship because we have spent many years together, have had many wonderful experiences and have two beautiful children. At the moment it is IMPOSSIBLE to go seperate ways, eventually yes. Good therapists and Good Lawyers cost lots of money of which we dont have at the moment.
I am also stunned that ANYONE choose to become involved with me given the difficulty of my situation.

Arikas,
Thanks for pointing out that that. I would like him to read something about open relationships, he is pretty much considers that polyamory is a tool of the devil.
I do feel I am being kept an emotional hostage to a degree.
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Old 05-17-2010, 07:30 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Red, I have to agree that was a bit harsh. Granted you said as much in your post, but without knowing all of the given circumstances of their situation it's very difficult to make some of the comments that you made. I understand that you have a great deal of experience and knowledge in regards to polyamory and that is a very valuable tool to all of us, but that last post definitely came across as a bit harsh.

Not every situation is the same and can be handled using the same methods or tactics. I agree that I think it's time for cori to move on as funds are no reason to stay with someone, but I also understand that it does indeed take money to get a divorce. Cori may just need time to get the funds in order to make that happen.

I do love your posts and again you know I think you're very informative and I hope you know that my post is merely my opinion.
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Old 05-17-2010, 08:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Its true, you say you are and have been up front about this new relationship, and that is commendable. What I am referring to is where you started this journey. It seems to be where his lack of mistrust of you comes from. That and it sounds like you just told him you were dating someone else rather than talking with him about opening your relationship. Also the fact that you told him you were "just going out with so and so" is not telling him the whole truth.

I heard you when you said that you were not communcating and drifted apart, but I am wondering what his story is on that? That doesn't just happen.

Look, you seem to have a lot of support on this thread for the misery you have gone through. That's great, I feel for you too, but there are two sides to why people drift apart and I see some holes in the story and wonder about them is all.

Good luck. I suggest you have a good read around and elsewhere if you haven't already. I think you may find that honesty and openess are generally seen as the best ways to successful poly lifestyles. Not just in communicating but in how we live overall. As is empathy for our partners.

Why I am defending this guy I have no idea. I really have no invested interest or reason. I just think some kind of advocate on his behalf is needed as he sounds in a really desperate situation. I feel for him as much as I do for you.
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  #10  
Old 05-17-2010, 11:19 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Actually, I think Red Pepper has a good read on this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
Well, you could help him by not doing things that hurt him until after you have the financial resources to end the relationship completely, which certainly sounds to me like what needs to happen here.
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