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Old 09-04-2012, 12:22 AM
Nirvanamama3813 Nirvanamama3813 is offline
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Default Trouble communicating with my partners

I have been in a monog relationship with my boyfriend K for 5 years and we had quite a difficult issue between us about 2 years ago but since couples counseling we seem to have come closer. We really learned how to communicate. We also have two young kids together and have really gotten involved in our community. My boyfriend also has a female friend Z he met through his best guy friend. She has been coming up to hang out with us almost a year now. I never knew they felt anything for eachother until about three weels ago when he started going off alone with her in the night after I'd fallen asleep. v Then when he stayed the night at her house I really knew. I confronted him and he told me he was in love with her and they'd had sex. I was initially hurt but ultimately care about his happiness because thats how much my love for him means to me. I told him I understood, wanted him to be hapoy and be with her, and reassured him that he'd still have the kids remain in his life. He says that he loves both of us equally and didn't want to leave or hurt either of us. Finalky I suggested opening up our relationship to her as a polyfidelitous triad where we are all equally in love and committed to eachother. I am very close with Z and love her as well, and being bi curious, am open to any intimate arrangement we might come to. We all sat down and discussed some basics like being honest and upfront about our intentions, respecting eachother, voicing feelings/concerns, and sharing/displaying affection in front of eachother or separately. Its only the second day but I thought everything was going well until today K wanted to make wake up love to me and Z popped her head in and seemed disturbed. I told K to save himself for her later, to share the same intimacy with her because I didn't want her to feel hurt, or unloved or the such. Well they have both been uncommunicative and withdrawn all day despite my efforts to rectify things. K says he doesn't know if this working for him, Z says she wants to go home. Should I just be patient and give them space, should I continue to try and communicate, or am I just crazy for thinking this whole thing would work? I feel that despite K's words he has a deeper love for Z and in his heart wants to end our relationship and be with her, but doesn't want to move out cuz he's going to school here and wants to stay with the kids. He denies it but I see and feel otherwise. To be completely honest I feel like I should just remove myself from the equation, it depresses and hurts me to be living a lie, to not recieve the love that I am giving, to be alone when I am not alone. I'd rather be dead because at least that would be a stable reality. I'm very depressed right now and even I don't really know how to communicate that to K and Z, I feel like I have to be the strong one. But I'm not, and no one is here to hold me together.
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Old 09-04-2012, 01:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Wow. Sounds like a good time for a time out.
It's hard to go from societies "normal" level of honesty to the deeper levels of honesty required to maintain a polydynamic.

I would say that it's way too soon to say if it can work.

As for the depression, that is likely a symptom of not having your needs met-which you explain in your last line or two.

It's important that you all have an outlet-someone outside of the dynamic preferably that you can talk to honestly-and the freedom to openly address your feelings, struggles, fears, anxieties, happy moments with one another as well.

Hugs.
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Old 09-04-2012, 01:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I was initially hurt but ultimately care about his happiness because thats how much my love for him means to me. I told him I understood, wanted him to be happy and be with her, and reassured him that he'd still have the kids remain in his life.
So basically you are ok with him cheating on you because you are afraid to lose him? Why are you compromising yourself? Love is not being a doormat or taking leftovers. I'm not reading that you took care of the hurt. I'm reading that you put his stuff ahead of yours -- I guess thinking that this would be recognized or acknowledged or something? Some kind of sweep it under the rug gesture?

ASK for what you want/need directly. Do not expect mind readering.

Quote:
To be completely honest I feel like I should just remove myself from the equation, it depresses and hurts me to be living a lie, to not recieve the love that I am giving, to be alone when I am not alone. I'd rather be dead because at least that would be a stable reality. I'm very depressed right now and even I don't really know how to communicate that to K and Z, I feel like I have to be the strong one. But I'm not, and no one is here to hold me together.

Then stop lying
. I'd go with how you HONESTLY feel and just end the triad thing. That's where you should have begun in the first place. Being honest with yourself and articulating your wants, needs and limits to the cheating BF.

You thought making some big sacrifice thing would prove your love to him or something? If you do not LOVE being in a triad or other polyship -- do not go there.

I don't think you guys Opened under the best of circumstances. He cheated, and rather than deal with that appropriately you proposed a triad as a "solution." Stop compromising yourself, lying to yourself, or being afraid he's going to break up with you. Whether you guys mend after the cheating is one thing. It will be what it will be once you process this hurt.

But get on with the processing. Don't be afraid of feeling yucky. Yucky feelings are only yucky feelings. It's internal weather. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Feelings are feelings. We don't choose when or how to feel what we feel. We cannot choose that. What we get to choose is how we BEHAVE in response to those feelings -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT. How did you choose to behave? How would you like to behave now?

Man up, and deal with what you have going on there. Adding MORE people to a thing that is broken is not the answer. Deal with one thing at a time. And the first problem is the cheating. He must apologize. You must decide whether you will forgive or not. And if you do forgive? Decide next if it is a case of forgive and forget and break up.

Or forgive and forget and what HE must do to make amends so you can continue to be together in right relationship and heal from this.

You bending over backwards to do something you don't want to do because HE messed up is all out of order. Why do that? Because you fear what?

Maintain your own integrity. Be honest with yourself. Then move forward one thing at a time. You can do this.

GL!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2012 at 01:21 AM.
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