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Old 09-02-2012, 12:50 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Default ch-ch-ch-changes... dealing with changing

So many threads here are about changing relationships, stemming from changes and growth in individual's views of life, love, sexuality.

Humans are so adaptable on the one hand. On the other, we are resistant to change and often refuse to change until a crisis occurs that forces it.

This is so apparent when a person is in a long term monogamous relationship and then realizes they are polyamorous and asks their partner to acknowledge it and accept it and eventually support it.

However, so many people in couples expect their partner to never change. We see that over and over here. "Be the man/woman I first met, first dated, first married! That gives me security. Never change! If you change, we are done."

How ridiculous is that? We are all changing every day. Living life challenges us and causes us to grow and change. A new job, a child being born, aging, the death of a parent, illness, heck, even a vacation or reading a certain book or seeing a certain movie can cause us to change our viewpoints on life and our place in it.

I guess in our mono based culture, asking a partner to open the marriage can be seen as one of the most challenging, threatening changes one could ever be asked to accept. We have templates for other changes, jobs, kids, death of a loved one or pet, etc. Very few examples of successful polyamory.

I even see people here who are poly, but have a partner who had IDed as mono deciding to try being poly themselves... and the original poly partner becomes all threatened and bereft at that!

And then so many partners of people here go into shock, to the point of not even being able to discuss the change from mono to poly! They just get angry, jealous, and shut down completely, refusing to accept the change, refusing to even discuss it. sigh...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 09-02-2012, 05:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default

I had a teacher who used to say, "Change is the only absolute in life." Nothing is truly static. We humans would stagnate if we didn't change. I feel we must welcome change not just to survive, but to thrive! Yet, we also need to feel secure. So, I suppose the task before us is to find ways to have that sense of security internally, without investing in the expectation or hope that things will never change.

In poly, or in any relationship, it is simply unrealistic and unreasonable to cling to the illusion that the people one loves and the dynamic of those relationships will not, or should not, change. Yes, ridiculous, as you said. I feel that any partnered, committed relationship really starts to go sour when we stop seeing our partner as a new person each and every day. Take nothing and no one for granted! There is always something to discover in another - it is essential to realize that.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-02-2012 at 05:27 PM.
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