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Old 09-02-2012, 01:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

My friends already know I'm poly because I'm out, so it makes it that much easier.
Then it's just about flirting, really.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Like Tonberry- my friends already know I'm poly. But, in previous relationships things were different.
I find honesty and open ess to be critical with EVERY relationship. So I advise being forthright and upfront about the changes in your dynamic and then once your new dynamic is established with your friends, then you tell whichever ones that you are interested in them personally.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 09-03-2012, 05:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,220

Originally Posted by Mya
I'm not sure how I'd react if someone said to me something like GalaGirl suggested. I guess in these things I like to see if the attraction/connection is there and if it is, then just go with it. That kind of direct suggestion feels a bit too...rational for me. Like a business proposal.

Everyone has a different style even at different points in life.

My style as a married IS going to be business like because I want it CLEAR that there's no cheating going on here, and I'm not interested in a fling thing rocking my marriage with crazy drama people. I'm not a single -- I'm a married. And the potential honey has to meet or call DH at least. (I have agreements to meet with DH.)

DH himself actually was my FWB before he was a BF or husband. I was a single then. With him? We hung out a lot as friends and one day I just grinned at him and said, "Hey. I need to take a shower. Wanna join me?"

Whether full on flirty or more paced out business like I've just always been very direct and clear about what I want and what I'm after.

They don't have to say "YES." But if they do they know exactly what they are saying "YES" to. LOL.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2012 at 05:42 AM.
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Old 09-04-2012, 04:19 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by RestlessMoon View Post
I guess what I want really does toe the line between "friend" and "boyfriend/lover", but labels are really hard to apply....
But I do want a little more than just late-night booty calls. So, this mythical relationship would fall somewhere greater than strictly booty calls and less than being expected to make an appearance at Christmas at grandma's.
I'm not sure I've ever understood the labels thing myself. On the one hand I live with E - we sleep in the same bed when our work schedules allow, make decisions together, wear rings, and plan to get married "someday, maybe." I refer to him as my boyfriend, fiance, husband, or whatever-he-is depending on my mood and who I'm talking too. Then there is also JP in my life - and I wouldn't know what label to put on that one either. He and I hang out, go to the zoo and take photos together, email back and forth during our workdays, and have 'hooked up' at least once a week for the past 6+ weeks - and he got a touch upset when I referred to myself as his "whatever I am" last weekend. His wife, J, then asked him what I was - because, oh yeah, he's married and she was sitting on the couch with us while we all three spent the evening chatting. He said I'm a FWB, she decided that no, I'm his lover. I did not get a say. I hope he's more than just a booty call, because I'm coming to care for him as much, much more than just a friend, but I would never want to get in the way of JP's 20 year relationship with J, just like he says he wouldn't want to get in the way of my relationship with E.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that labels aren't what make a relationship. No matter what you, they, or anyone else calls it, it is what you and your ______ put into it that matters.
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Old 09-06-2012, 12:46 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 208

I don't know. For me anyway, labels have power. They help me define things and keep things sorted out in my head. I've had various people of different levels, lowest being FB (fuck buddy). I don't mind having casual entanglements and they can certainly be fun without drama! I've also had FWB, which I define as a mostly casual thing but with getting to know each other and a little more contact, but still not emotional for me. And now I have my lover- I think my usage of the word is different from others' here because it feels like it has more significance to me than boyfriend. I do use that word sometimes for him, but I like the mushy, gooey way I feel when I say lover Because he is, and I do
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Old 09-08-2012, 07:42 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by RestlessMoon View Post
Of course, friends and others say, "Oh, just make a move on him, and if he's into you, then you'll know." But that just seems kind of shady without explaining the situation first, ya know?
Extremely. If a friend of mine that I knew was in a relationship and thought was monogamous glomed onto me, my first reaction would be to push that person off me.

I currently have a lady friend that I see regularly (we love each other but have decided an official "relationship" is not what we want) and we started as "friends with benefits." From what I've seen and experienced, "friends with benefits" transitions quickly into something else and rarely stays simple.

Its not a bad idea, but you should prepare yourself for the possibility of one or both of you developing feelings beyond simple benefit-yness.
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Old 09-08-2012, 08:34 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

I was single when my friend, Eric, started chatting with me more regularly online. It was really nice catching up with him, and after about a week of this he said, roughly, "You know that Gia [his wife] and I have been involved with other women before. Well, after Jen [their ex] we decided to close our relationship for a while. Now we're feeling ready to open back up and you're on the top of our list for a threesome. Let me know if you're interested!" EXTREMELY straightforward, and I appreciated that.

I thought about it for a few days and then decided to go for it. For a few months I was a friend with benefits with them, and then Gia and I started hanging out more and really connecting and we decided to call ourselves "girlfriends". Now, three years later, we have a really close emotional relationship, and a really hot physical one that still occasionally includes Eric, and this is all in the context of having no "formal" commitment to each other, no formal schedule for seeing each other, rather infrequent dates, but a great deal of comfort and camaraderie and mutual support.

Obviously your situation is different in a couple of ways, but I thought it might be helpful to see one example of how things can start and then progress. Long live the straightforward approach!

Best of luck.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 09-08-2012, 09:48 PM
RestlessMoon RestlessMoon is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the input.

It's simultaneously terrifying and exciting to think about this situation. I'm sure a lot of you remember that first time of seeking out a second/extra-marital partner.

I don't think I have quite built up the confidence to approach this person yet, but soon I hope!
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friends with benefits, fwb, intimate friends

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