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Old 05-15-2010, 12:39 AM
lostgirl lostgirl is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
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Default New & Confused Girl

I started to date a guy about 4 months ago. He has been introducing me to the art of loving, and in that came polyamory. I am feeling totally cool about this, except when there is separation and or non participation of some involved. We live together and are also running a business. A few weeks before he met me he was seeing another girl, but wasn't sexual with her until after we had dated. He slept with her the first time when I was out, so I wasn't included in the act, and other times when a friend came to play with us, he left us alone to be with her. She has no interest in being with other girls and won't get close to me at all. We run a massage center and have offered her several times for a four hand massage, she won't even accept my massage. So here's the thing, when she does come around he doesn't even talk to me. I mean we live together, I think that's pretty crazy. I feel as if Im what he's into if no one else is around, but would much rather be with her. They kiss and make out in front of me and he shows NO AFFECTION towards me in front of her, he pats me on the head or kisses my head as if I'm a child. Even they have had sex in front of me when we were in a lake and it was only three of us. I just decided I can sit here and watch them...they aren't even noticing that Im here, or I can stare at this water fall for another 30 mins, or get out. So I got out.. When I ask why he ignores me when she's here, he says he doesn't, that I don't involve myself. Did I mention we're in latin america and my spanish is very basic, how does he expect me to butt in on conversations when I barely speak the language? His answers, is I don't understand it because I'm not loving enough to try. Di d I mention she was married to an American guy, has lived years in the United States, and speaks english fluently. I know that she pushes for conversations in Spanish to exclude me because I lack the speaking ability. The second I walk out of the room she jumps him, it's like she's waiting for that chance. I just don't know what to do, how I feel, I feel that I've learned so much from this, and I love him so much, and I want to have fun but why do I have to be the one to convience so hard, why doesn't he require her to do that. WHy can't he show affection for me in front of her, because I'm stronger? I am the one that cried, how does that make me stronger? Please help

Last edited by lostgirl; 05-15-2010 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 05-15-2010, 01:35 AM
Anne Anne is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 12

Hi and welcome,

as I read your post, I can understand your frustration. And as you tell it, you tried to get involved offering her an massge and stuff, didnīt you?

I would try to talk to him again, seriously, and explain the problems You have. And maybe it could be helpful to talk to her alone as well, donīt You think? Just ask her for an evening you two can be alone and talk about things.

If the didnīt accepted this, I would think that maybe she doesnīt accept you as your partnerīs partner...

These are the first thoughts I have, hope they help you a little.

Best wishes
* Every new love enlarges the heart *
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Old 05-15-2010, 01:40 AM
lostgirl lostgirl is offline
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Thank you so much for responding...maybe she doesn't accept me as his lover. What should I say when we're alone. Today I told her sorry for crying and making a drama, because she did hear me. And I am sorry.
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Old 05-15-2010, 10:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Lostgirl,

Well - this isn't atypical for some just starting out.
First - and maybe more important - he has some serious learning to do ! His behavior, regardless if it's understandable or not - is unacceptable. But I suspect he's blind with NRE, visions of sugarplums (FFM relationship), and acting like a 16 yr old. (Maybe he is?)

He needs to learn that when more than 2 people are in a relationship everyone has to take everyone else's feelings into consideration at the same time. That's why we always say it's not all fun & games - there's real WORK involved ! He needs to get to work.

As to the interaction between you and her...........
She may be homophobic, she may not have any physical attraction to you, various possibilities. That's perfectly ok. Just acknowledge that and let it be. There's a lot more to the relationship than the physical side. Start looking for things you two DO connect on (besides him if possible). Nurture those things and all will work out fine.

That's a start............

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Old 05-16-2010, 01:15 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 241

Not gonna lie, not a fan of his behavior towards you. She's obviously got an issue and is excluding you and he's allowing it. While this lifestyle does take work, it takes work on EVERYONE'S part. Including the other woman.

Talk to him again about how you're feeling, and be as CLEAR as possible that you find his behavior to be unacceptable for you. He needs to be able to split his time and attention between the two of you if it's going to work successfully. This is not a "play by my rules or you're out" kinda convo, but everyone has to be on the same page. If you're not, then get out and find someone that can manage this lifestyle. The use of the word manage is intentional.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!
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Old 05-17-2010, 06:17 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Location: Canada
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my first thought on this was that she is not poly and is trying to take your boyfriend away from you by being the "better" lover. He seems to love this game and all the attention he gets from it. You in the mean time get to feel all the pain, hurt, disrespect, dishonesty, and lack of empathetic communication. Not cool if you ask me. I would so be up one side of him and down the other if he were my boyfriend. I would be reminding him that being humble and respectful is far more attractive for a boyfriend and that he is losing his integrity as a good boyfriend and a person for that matter.

It's all very well for him to be experiencing NRE but that usually includes an ounce of concern and displaced guilt and worry. He seems to have none. I wonder if he is poly in fact of liking the fact that he gets to get it on with two women... I wonder if he really just isn't into you anymore.

Yes, I think it might be time to sit the guy down and have it out. Before you do, it might be wise to come up with some very firm boundaries that you are not willing to budge on until he shows some respect for you and some balanced efforts to make you both feel loved and wanted... I think I would also plan your escape path also. You might find that you will need a place to stay if in fact he really is done in your relationship.
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Old 05-18-2010, 01:04 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

Since the title of your post says "New & Confused Girl" and after reading your posts, I just want to share something an old friend used to say. "When you are feeling confused, it's probably because you're being manipulated."
Hope things get better for you !!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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