Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-14-2010, 12:55 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

NRE is a powerful thing, and when it is in a poly context, can cause a hole mess of emotions. But it can be learned how to enjoy it and bathe in it while still holding on to the other things that you value (i.e. your existing relationships). I was horribly bad at getting totally consumed with NRE - or "the shiny", as I called it. Now I take time to stop and think about what I care about, and I make sure I get feedback from my existing partner.

See, the problem is that, especially in the early experiences of poly, that initial period with a new lover is the ab solute toughest time for your existing partner. Fears of abandonment, jealousy, envy and a whole bunch of other emotions can rage, which is a huge downer on the couple experiencing the NRE.

It is absolutely vital, in my opinion, that the person (or persons) that are having the NRE and in an existing relationship be responsible, take a step back, and make sure that everything else is fine, without totally immersing themselves in the NRE to the exclusion of everything else.

Finding a balance is the key part, and that point is going to differ with different people, according to their own experiences and backgrounds.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-14-2010, 01:46 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sub-ultima Thule
Posts: 65
Default In my experience, the uniqueness thing is important

I think this conversation (won't call it discussion) is very good and very interesting, and about something many, many feel. Whether they identify as poly or not.

Often, it is the emotional closesness part that is decisive, but, as mentioned here, it may be the combination of emotional and sexual intimacy that can pose the greatest challenges. It's something like: "If you have all this with someone else, what is left for us then?"

And this goes well beyond NRE - in fact, I think it may even be dangerous to assume, at first, that it is mostly NRE. Only to find out that rather than cooling down as energy stabilizes, it gets worse.

What I have found helpful, is creating a concrete experience of uniqueness. Not only as something we talk about, but something we do. So that each partner not only knows he/she is unique in an abstract way, but also concretely: This is our activity, this is our place, this is our game. This may seem illusionary to some, but I find it is real, totally real, and more important than one might imagine. And something to be respected.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-14-2010, 02:17 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Wait a minute. If you want a triad then wouldn't you be intimate with each other tech and honey? It sounds like you have a *vee* and as for a quad being the ultimate goal? Hm, not my goal. Just want to clarify that that would of been your goal, rather than thee goal.

I am not understanding why you are staying in gem and techs bed honey. Do you not want alone time with gem? Would not work better to sleep somewhere else? Take the NRE outside so to speak?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-14-2010, 02:33 PM
Tech Tech is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
Default

As far as the terminology, yes, Vee would be a more accurate term than Triad.

As far as taking the NRE elsewhere...that is tricky.
He lives 5 hours away, so it's not like she can just go spend time with (that and other complications too). When he visits us, they typically spend some alone time together while I'm at work or what-not, but honestly, my imagination does terrible things to me. I am still not comfortable with their relationship, and the im-balance causes me angst (to put it mildly). So...yeah...
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-14-2010, 02:58 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Tech, that angst when they are away together (or even the thought of it) is a very common thing, and very real. Hard to deal with too.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-14-2010, 03:38 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Thanks for clarifying tech. I know this termonolgy stuff can suck, but it does help in explaining. I get confused otherwise.

I'm sorry this is all hurting you. I'm glad you are talking about it here and know you are not alone.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-14-2010, 04:49 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default Hello Tech,.... We have similiar situations,..

If you look at swinging as a sliding scale spectrum, and poly as a sliding scale spectrum, then you can say I am more at the poly end of it, while my husband is closer to the swinging end of it. He still has interest in poly, but more based in friendship-love then romantic love.

At one time, for us, we had a relationship dynamic going on quite closely to what is going on with you and your wife, and her new bf.

My husband voiced the same concerns you have voiced here.

What ended up being the best option for us, was negotiations on both sides.

I am not opposed to the swinging lifestyle, but do find myself very much needing to know people. I am not into casual sex. It doesn`t do a damn thing for me.
On his wants : The decision has been to make good friends with people, and if a friends-with-benefits situation develops ( the true meaning of FWB, not the new booty-call version.)...to go with the flow.

On my side of things, any relationship I develop, he is in the know, and I now have the past experiences to keep the NRE in check, and keep my home life charged on full batteries

A thought crossed my mind awhile ago, that however much energy I am putting into a new relationship, I need to put the same energy (but differently) into my exsisting relationship. For me, this mean discovering something new and fun with my primary partner, that we haven`t done before. Maybe a new hobby, a new kink, a new place to go to and enjoy. Something that excites us both, that we can experience together.

This tid-bit has really kept the harmony for us.

The other thing we do, is encourage each other in the others' more 'natural' lifestyle. He has my back, and I have his. This is without question.

I haven`t read the other posts, but I wish you well !
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-14-2010, 08:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
If you look at swinging as a sliding scale spectrum, and poly as a sliding scale spectrum, then you can say I am more at the poly end of it, while my husband is closer to the swinging end of it. He still has interest in poly, but more based in friendship-love then romantic love.
Great way to put it...I think someone here once related it to the kinsey scale...

I don't know where to stick myself. I think I am polyflexible <sarc>
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-14-2010, 11:35 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
What I have found helpful, is creating a concrete experience of uniqueness. Not only as something we talk about, but something we do. So that each partner not only knows he/she is unique in an abstract way, but also concretely: This is our activity, this is our place, this is our game. This may seem illusionary to some, but I find it is real, totally real, and more important than one might imagine. And something to be respected.
Wow. That's perceptive and wise. You're creating an experience-space that belongs uniquely to those two particular partners. That's not an illusion, it's a really intelligent use of real-world psychology.

I've read sometimes that a partner says, OK you can make love with your other partner...but NEVER in our bed. Now, really, what does it matter? It's just a piece of furniture, and bedding washes clean. But the reality is it DOES matter and it matters a lot.

It's similar: the importance is psychological and very, very real on that level.

I'm going to print this part of the conversation out for my GF. She'll find it really interesting, being as she is a bit of a relationship-artist.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
mono/poly, scale

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:26 PM.