Huge Problem likely Small Issue for your veterans, please help

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

...and the other half that aren't buying it he's doing this "Jesus" thing like forgiving us because we know not what we do.

Hahaha that was hilarious. Even if it's at my expense, that was really f-ing funny! lol Love it

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

It sounds fair and wonderful if the OP didn't use the term "cock-blocking" to refer to his wife not wanting to move another "hot bi babe" into the house, then when people call him ouot on that, he says "no no, i meant that my wife wants to hog all the sex to herself with the other woman".

Like I said, I should have said "pussy block" but it wouldn't have worked out of context, it just sounded better to use the proverbial phrase "cock block". It didn't need to be a big huge negative thing. It was to illustrate that she was preventing something that I wanted. I'll explain below:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

So, which is it? His wife does or doesn't want this woman? His wife is refusing to let the woman move in because she wants a relationshipi with the woman all to herself? This doesn't make sense, and if it doesn't make sense, it probably isn't true. I'm not making this up. The OP keeps writing things that anyone who can read can immediately find things that contradict each other. Then he back-peddles.

It's that she is mono wired and does not want anyone to move in. She is bi-curious I guess you could say and so wants to dabble in a threesome, but by "cock blocking" I mean that she will try and prevent and control my connection with the girl because she fears the possibility that I will ask her the ridiculous (in her mind it is) to have the woman move in with us. Honestly, I don't think this chick is the perfect material for that, though I have no idea, and in any event we haven't asked her, it's not like just because I want her to she will. Point is, I'm giving her free reign with the girl, but she is not giving me free reign with her. In the spirit of opening up, I'm ok with having my fiancee permit me to do whatever she is comfortable with, but she is going to really be a buzzkill in the moment if she's constantly projecting insecurity to the other girl as I try and enjoy some time with her. And all because she is worried that the girl will infringe on her monogamy.

God don't you just love how conflicted monos who can't embrace their inner poly get? (Wouldn't a monogamous person interested in threesomes be a candidate for being a closet poly?)

Today she admitted to me that there is even a childhood friend she had a dream about last night who she told me she always wanted to have sex with when they were young but the opportunity never occurred, and when I asked her if she wanted to have sex with him she said "mmm" which was like 'maybe' so when I asked "but do you want to BE with him?" like switch over to a relationship with him, she said "no". In that moment in contrast with the previous answer it led me to believe that she could have answered "no" just as easily to when I asked if she wanted to have sex with him, but she didn't say "no" she said "mmm" to that, so that means she wouldn't mind having sex with him. It's ok I was a pro poker player. She wants to have sex with him.

Later in the day I told her the "more children" analogy to see if I could get her to better understand what it means to want more of something you already have. For anyone unaware, the basic is to ask someone who has more than one child why they decided to have a second one if they already had one. Wasn't one enough?

Today I also read a good one. Ice-cream on top of your pie. Just because you don't get ice-cream on top of your pie doesn't mean you need to feel bad about the delicious pie you get. It's an analogy for how a mono has to appreciate what they get in a poly situation.

Anyway my several paragraph point is, I think my fiancee has a little "poly" hidden down inside her after all. I asked her when she got curious about having sex with a girl, and she said her whole life. I asked her when she got curious about having threesomes and she said since her first husband wanted it but that she rejected the idea out of fear of losing him. But it still stuck with her, and now she is very curious and we have been experimenting with this other girl. And now today she drops the old teenage crush sex bomb on me so coyly (I had a dream last night, yeah right).

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

What he calls "bullying" on my part is simply making fun of him because he has about half the people in this thread trying to look open-minded, and the other half that aren't buying it he's doing this "Jesus" thing like forgiving us because we know not what we do.

Yeah I'm not even keeping score. I don't know if it was you or whoever. It's the past for me. If it happens again I will let whoever does it know. For now I've said my peace.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

It's obvious to me that the OP's story has been tailored and adjusted along the way to push all the poly hot-buttons of as many people as possible.

Oh no, not at all. I am not like that. Maybe that's how it feels for you, but that's not at all how I think. I'm not on a mission to upset anyone or have any bad motives.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I'm suspecting he is attempting to piss people off to the point where they make themselves look like fools.

Uh, no. I would rather they see what they did wrong and become better people. An apology would be nice, but I don't need it. It'd be far more fulfilling for me to see someone say they understand and will make sure to do better in the future.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

There is a lot going on here that meets the classic trolling techniques.

Well, it's not manufactured. I'm only being me. I didn't read any "troll" guidebook. lol

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I'm actually enjoying this thread because it's giving me ideas for my stand-up comedy routine. Not what the OP says, but what others (including myself) say.

Haha, yeah there are some good ones here. I don't think I've been too funny except as a study maybe. :-/

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

If you will excuse me, I have to go compose music, take pictures of nude models on white-sandy beaches, and put my kids to bed.

I never said nude models, but that is funny. I would just add: "...and then slip into bed with my foursome." That sounds even more ironic after the kids line.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

I did have more to say but I bet other people can take it from here.

...

[PolyPhonic]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Its called metacommunication and can make a huge difference in how people percieve u.

Yeah I know about metacommunication in real conversations, body language, context, etc. But how to do that in writing? Sounds like you are talking about "framing" but I'm not sure how to do that as a craft. I'd be curious to find an appropriate link teaching the skill of metacommunicating in writing.

[Phy]

Originally Posted by evanevans

Point is, I'm giving her free reign with the girl, but she is not giving me free reign with her.

Does she want this free reign? Is she even interested in more than just sex? I know that things should be equal ideally, but sometimes you need a certain time of unequalness to reach a comfortable place. It happens often in poly relationships that one person (who is the more at-ease-one in regard to poly mostly) can grant more freedom to the partner and cut back on his/her own for a while to let the partner come to terms and see for him/herself if the threats he or she is fearing are really as gruesome as imagined. This may work here as well.

Originally Posted by evanevans

God don't you just love how conflicted monos who can't embrace their inner poly get? (Wouldn't a monogamous person interested in threesomes be a candidate for being a closet poly?)

No, I don't think so. Threesomes are just sex. Period. Swinging works for many who aren't into the relationship and emotion stuff at all polys are sometimes searching in such a constellation. This doesn't mean that polys can't be great at swinging as well, but a monogamous person will likely be less 'endangered' to really fall in love with a new potential partner when the feelings for the original one are stable and just there.

Don't confuse poly with sex. Recreational sex has nothing to do with it and if your wife enjoys another woman it does in no poly-book mean that she may be poly herself.

[LovingRadiance]

I have a textbook that explains it well. Tomorrow evening I will get on the laptop and see if I can't find some info on it.

[GalaGirl]

These are her clear limits you are reporting in your post here as I read/hear it:

• She is monoamorous.
• She is not interested in being Open in Heart to love more than one at a time.
• She is not interested in exploring a polyamorous relationship structure with you.
• She does not want anyone to move in and does not want you asking people to do so.
• She is bi-curious and is open to dabble in a threesome (for recreational sex only. ie: Open in Body.)
• She is open to a non-monogamous relationship with you in the shape of hard swinging, either swinging as singles or swinging as a couple.

We circle back around to the thing you do not seem to want deal with straight up:

• Accept the woman's limits. She is articulating them. Make your decision to be in right relationship with her.

Stop being a pushy polyamorous swinging person. Does not flatter you and it is not ethical to flat out ignore your partner's stated wants/needs/limits. That is not loving behavior toward your partner. That is not being in right relationship with your partner.

She does not want poly. She's seeming ok with hard swing. It is what is is. You are in a non-monogamous relationship with monoamorous her that can include swinging play partners. Having received this information from her your ethical choices as I see them are:

• If you want to hard swing with her and can be happy there? Keep it there then and enjoy your partner sharing this much with you where you DO have common ground to share and can explore. Stop badgering her on exploring polyamorous relationship structure together. Badgering is not loving behavior.

• If you want swinging AND polyamory at this time -- but your partner does NOT want that combo this time, then something has to go.
  
  • a) Choose to lose the desire for polyship relationship WITH your partner. Lose the polyship dream and accept it just won't fly here. Because you value the partner more than the polyshipping at this time. And because you value her? Stop badgering her on exploring polyamorous relationship structure together. Badgering is not loving behavior.
  • b) Chose to be Open to polyamorous relationship without her and so set her free. Break up clean so you can fly the dream then. Because you value your free polyshipping ability at this time more than you love being in this "Heart monoamorous / Body non-monogamous" type relationship with this partner.

I cannot see any other ethical choice to make. Perhaps you do, but I cannot.

So faced with those choices? Own it. Decide. Both choices are ethical and both honor and respect her limits so you can remain in right relationship to her either as your "partner" person or as your "good ex who is now a friend" person.

GG

[PolyPhonic]

Haven't read these last 3 responses. Typing from my phone slowly. I just did the breakup talk. This sh** has been real for the last 2 hours. I'll post more soon.

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear it comes down to a break up thing. That is never fun.

But at least it is moving you both forward toward future happiness even if the present time is unfun. You definitely could not continue on this way with a mismatch on wants/needs from the relationship and unable to see eye to eye or find common ground.

Hopefully this transition time will go as smooth/quick/clean as possible for both, and your child(ren) and both of you will be provided for well in the restore/rebuild time as you find the "new normal." May it be so.

GL!
GG

[CielDuMatin]

Evan,

I can understand that this is tough, but I really do think that is is the most respectful thing for both of you. It allows you both to stay true to your principles and will allow you to further refine what you need in order to be happy.

Not sure if you are going to want to continue the conversation, here, since your issues with this relationship were the starting point, but if you want to use us as sounding boards for your future plans (maybe once you have had some time to process your changes) please feel free.

[BoringGuy]

I know what evan's deal is now. He thought he would come here and the open-minded, secure poly people would tell him that he has the right ideas and his wife sounds like a closet poly, and that should be nurtured or something so that he can generously enable her to grow into the full person she is capable of being. Etc.

Instead, the bullying closed-minded insecure poly people said, "your wife is a big girl, i mean, grown woman who sounds quite capable of deciding these things for herself. Not only has she decided, but she seems to have communicated it quite clearly to you despite the language barrier and your experience as a professional poker player. What part of "NO" don't you understand?"