Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-28-2012, 05:39 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default I need feedback, a sounding board

Hi!

So I need feedback, a sounding board, and I hope that people here, might help.
I've been through about a year of really uncomfortable times. And I feel like I'm very much at a crossroads.

So I've looked through the forum more than once, read articles, and a few books, I feel very much a neophyte still. I've got questions, and there seems to be many kindly, thoughtful, people here.

*DEEP BREATH*

Preface!
I do take full responsibility for my choices, actions, lack of actions, fear, anger, and frustration. I've done a lot of growing up, made some real mistakes. And it's my opinion, I'm sure that if asked, that the person I've been with would disagree, with some parts of this, but it's my story, and my view. And by talking here, am hoping to find some way navigate this all.
A history of sorts:
I've been dating someone for about 5 plus years, who with in the first few weeks told me "I don't do Monogamy well". I asked her what that meant, and she said she had had multiple lovers in the past, and mentioned briefly polyamory. My response was pretty naive. "I've always been monogamous", and I said "We will deal with it when it happens, and to be honest with me. I'm unsure how I felt about it."

But then again, I'd already fallen madly in love with her. I think I'd have agreed to about anything.

One last thing, she had her own web design business, and she was barely, and then not at all scraping by, over time, I had been helping financially, pay her rent and bills. This is ongoing.
This led up to Cheating / lying / and blaming.
I could mince words, I won't, none of these things are within the spirit of Polyamory. And over the next two years. She did these things repeatedly, while I was monogamous with her, but I accepted her behavior, and by doing so, I am responsible too.
After many fights, and arguments, pain and suffering, this led to:

Don't ask don't tell.
This sucked, it really sucked, but it sucked just a little less, than Cheating lying and blaming. It lasted about a year. While this was going on, I was some times content, and other times very unhappy. I'm pretty sure when, and who she was seeing, but never knew for sure. At this point, I ventured out once on my own, for a very short time. And it was a disaster. I discovered that, the rules did not apply equally. It did not immediately change any thing. I'm now of the opinion the person she primarily had been seeing, had worn out his welcome, and she stopped seeing him. At this point I said I never wanted to be in a don't ask don't tell relationship again, ever.
This led to:
A period of monogamy.
This lasted almost a year, I think I'd lulled myself into thinking that non-monogamy as a issue had gone away. it was a mistake.
And this led to:
A first attempt at polyamory.
First I'd ask everyone to be kind with me on this one. It's the freshest, and the most painful, and difficult time for me, in many ways we had grown together, and there had been much happiness, and love.
Towards the end of the year of monogamy, she decided that she wanted to explore polyamory. She, was unclear of her own intent, and did not communicate her intent. She fell back onto her old habits and kept secrets. I'd left for a trip, and when I came back, she'd gone exploring, fooled around with, and then, invited another person into the relationship. I'd never met him, or even known he existed.

I quickly figured out who he was, through the wonders of social media, And I sent a email to him saying how unhappy I was, that I thought what he had done was reckless, selfish, and he had rather self serving. I found out latter, They had been corresponding for about six months, he knew all about me ( Or so he said). And he said he had no intention of causing harm to her and my relationship. ( heh, only after in secret trying to fuck her.)

I was surprised, heart broken, furious, and very afraid. She said she'd never promised to monogamous, and I'd known this from the beginning. I gave in, I told her she had been dishonest, that I was very unhappy, but, I would not forbid it. At this point, the other person chimed in via email, with the jist of it being, I was just being jealous, and that I should grow up, wishing I was more evolved.
She said, that all I had to say was no... I was angry, scared, unhappy, felt abandoned, jealous and profoundly confused. The next month was a lot of fighting, denial, frustration, between us, attempts at negotiation and defensive posturing, on my part. She feel madly in love with this other person, and I said choose. She did.

She left me...

Over the next few months we tried to reconcile. I said I'd try polyamory. For a month. It was miserable. She was in la la land in love with this person, I'd not tried to date anyone until then. And I was angry, and unhappy. Not a appealing person to date. I dated one person, she was not interested in polyamory.

As the month was ending, I started to explain to both of them I was unhappy, and that I wanted out. After several heated moments, I was given the impression by both her and him, that they were going to stop seeing each other. I was wrong.
This led to:
This led up to Cheating / lying / and blaming.
The cheating lying and blaming part is my opinion. She said, what she agreed to was another round of don't ask don't tell. Just by the fact I missed this completely, and it continued for months it's not the the truth.
This led to:
My trying to leave.
She agreed to stop seeing him. That did not mean she did not pine after, lash out, try to negotiate and much grief around this. It finally came down to, lack of trust, and a unwillingness to support her, emotionally and financially if she was going to see him. Of course this person has not gone away. And off and on, he's been sniping.
This led to:
Me having a brief affair
There I've said it, I'm unhappy I did it. I made a mistake, and I've hurt her, and I hurt another person. I'm not proud.
This led to:
Now.
She's unhappy about what she calls forced monogamy. I'm unhappy for all sorts of reasons. First being forced support. We fight a lot. Before when we fought, even at it's worse, it lasted for a very short time, and it would be over and forgotten. It's not like that anymore. I really don't like it.

I think I'm being reasonable telling her that she must be independent, for anything to happen. Her wanting this other person, has had a direct effect on our relationship. She's been off and on distant, our sex life had always been, one of the bedrocks, is now very hit and miss. By proxy I'm in a relationship with someone who had, and has been a very negative force. And more and more all I want is escape. And it seems totally impossible without burning bridges.
So the question is, and I hate asking open ended questions, is there hope?
Are there coping skills I don't know? Am I crazy for sticking around? Or do I have my head up my ass?

What do you think?

Last edited by Urvile; 08-28-2012 at 06:06 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:09 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

I would insist that she finds a way to financially take care of herself. This will show you if she's actually interested in being in a relationship with you or not. I also notice a long history of dishonesty. That's going to be a hard one to fix. I'm sure at this point that you're having a hard time knowing whether or not to belive anything that she tells you. It may very well be the lack of trust making you miserable and not the fact that she's polyamourous. If things are so unsettled that you never know what's around the next corner how can you find that solid ground to come back to to focus on your own relationship?

I'd wager that a month apart really wasn't long enough to figure out what it is that YOU really want. I think some reflection here is in order. Think about what you want, verbalize it and be willing to act if this partner cannot meet your needs. This means being very specific about what it is that you need is. She might surprise you and be able to give you what you need if it's spelled out specifically, but if she can't then you know that and you can make the desision to move on if you have to.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:15 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default Thank you.

yes, I've suggested this and more time apart. Her being in need both financially and emotionally, makes her unwilling to explore this. She feels that this is just a way for me to leave. So I could do it, but it gives me the impression, that I'd be burning a bridge. I've thought about this long and hard. And may do it, bridge be damned, but not yet.

Last edited by Urvile; 08-28-2012 at 06:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:27 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

What would you tell a friend in this situation? You're worth more than this.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:38 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default Depends on the friend.

Depends on the friend, but yeah, I'd tell them that they should leave.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:48 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,270
Default

Hi and welcome,

I don't see a lot of hope. More and more you just want to escape.

What coping skills do you know. What have you tried so far?

Why not offer to trade places with the bf ....he/ they can support her and you can rebuild that lost sexual relationship. I don't get why this isn't a more popular solution. Very few have tried it.


What are you looking for in a relationship now that you got a taste of poly living? Think Long term ...short term? Is this relationship worth putting yourself through extensive reprograming, behavioral modification techniques, etc, etc.

What would it look like in your mind if things ran perfect in some poly dynamic in terms of time, attention, energy, money? Ask her the same question. See if they are remotely similar. Then see if any of the specific factor run counter to each other or are likely or even possible to obtain. Maybe work backwards from there. And discuss how far from perfect are you both willing to accept. 60% ...75%...40% very hard to quantify but everyone has a tipping point and I guess conversally a settling point.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-28-2012, 06:57 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

If you and her had never existed, knowing what you know now, would you be open to polyamory? Would you be interested in an open relationship, or a DADT situation if you were optimistic in your partner's honesty?

I agree with what Derby says about letting them support themselves, and I'll also throw in, why wait, are you happy? Is this how you want your life to be?

Really the only thing I'll throw out (in case you stay in this relationship) is that it wasn't useful for you to go the person you mention in your "first try at poly" and to email him and flip him shit about it. Lots of people will take others at their word (like you do with her) and its not his job to hunt you down and make sure she's not a liar - its nice if they do, but not something you can take for granted. She is the one you make agreements with, she is the one who owes you sticking to safe sex and other agreements you have together. She is the one to call out if you have a problem.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-28-2012, 07:06 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default

Quote:
I don't see a lot of hope. More and more you just want to escape.
yes, me too. And whats worse, her attitude emotionally, seems farther and farther away from reality.

Quote:
What coping skills do you know. What have you tried so far?
Learning, about myself, about people. Being compassionate. Learning new ways of standing up for myself without ultimatums. And lots and lots of letting go of the past.

Quote:
What are you looking for in a relationship now that you got a taste of poly living? Think Long term ...short term? Is this relationship worth putting yourself through extensive reprograming, behavioral modification techniques, etc, etc.
What I'm looking for? Poly has most certainly redefined what I thought my needs and want are. Thats very much a bonus, out of this experience.

The way I've come to look at it, is that Poly, and mono are just ideas. Shortcut words to describe how we relate to each other. I want a real relationship, I want to be wanted, and loved. I want empathy, compassion, imagination, and humor. And I want sex.

Quote:
What would it look like in your mind if things ran perfect in some poly dynamic in terms of time, attention, energy, money? Ask her the same question. See if they are remotely similar.
In theory they are very similar, in practice, not much. Ironically, I'm better prepared emotionally and financially to fit the Poly ideal than she is. And after five years of stress, there is only the slightest, acknowledgment of what
it would take to do this honestly. And emotionally, she's fixated on someone, who I've no interest in having in my life. For very rational reasons. I've on purpose not got out the laundry list of crappy and underhanded things he's done. because in the end it's not about him.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-28-2012, 07:19 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default

I
Quote:
f you and her had never existed, knowing what you know now, would you be open to polyamory? Would you be interested in an open relationship, or a DADT situation if you were optimistic in your partner's honesty?
I'd say yes to some sort of polyamory, and ask for the same things, honesty, take it as it comes. but I'd add that I'd be afraid, because I was but didn't admit that then. And white knuckling did not help the process.

DADT, absolutely not.


Quote:
it wasn't useful for you to go the person you mention in your "first try at poly" and to email him and flip him shit about it. Lots of people will take others at their word (like you do with her) and its not his job to hunt you down and make sure she's not a liar - its nice if they do, but not something you can take for granted.
I disagree strongly.
The one thing I've learned is no one is a island. if I were to enter into a another relationship, I'd need to know, not like, but know, all parties involved, and to do this over time. Months.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-28-2012, 07:20 AM
Urvile Urvile is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Seattle
Posts: 25
Default

I
Quote:
f you and her had never existed, knowing what you know now, would you be open to polyamory? Would you be interested in an open relationship, or a DADT situation if you were optimistic in your partner's honesty?
I'd say yes to some sort of polyamory, and ask for the same things, honesty, take it as it comes. but I'd add that I'd be afraid, because I was but didn't admit that then. And white knuckling did not help the process.

DADT, absolutely not.


Quote:
it wasn't useful for you to go the person you mention in your "first try at poly" and to email him and flip him shit about it. Lots of people will take others at their word (like you do with her) and its not his job to hunt you down and make sure she's not a liar - its nice if they do, but not something you can take for granted.
I disagree strongly.
The one thing I've learned is no one is a island. if I were to enter into a another relationship, I'd need to know, not like, but know, all parties involved, and to do this over time. Months. Most of the real heart ache was created simply out of ignorance and impulse. I don't want to make him the focus of this, you are right, it's about her and I. But, what ever ignorance he had, it was by his choice. He didn't go away, he didn't ask questions, and he was dishonest multiple times.

Last edited by Urvile; 08-28-2012 at 07:25 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:28 AM.