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Old 08-30-2012, 01:47 AM
ptolemy ptolemy is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
Default round and round and round...

I brought up poly with my wife two years ago. She's monogamous, and we've been married for almost 10 years now. After a few months we had basically talked through all the basic objections to polyamory, and were left with I want it, she doesn't.

So we talk about going for a poly/mono arrangement. She won't say "No, never." But she won't say "ok, let's try a baby step" either. We're stuck in the world of "Maybe, but I'm not ready. It would break me if we did it now."

There's been lots of therapy, and lots of communication, and that's pretty much the steady state. We're stuck at "maybe", and neither one of us is happy.

I feel like the most wonderful parts of myself are poisonous to the person I love most. And she feels like she's limiting my life. It hurts, and there are no easy answers.

Has anyone been here before? What happened?
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:01 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Could you go into more detail about your marriage? It may be helpful to myself and others to hear more about the issues and good times you've had in your marriage.
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:19 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,143

Clarify please.

1) Are you wanting to share your poly thoughts, crushes, readings, movies, and inner life STUFF with her? And would that satisfy you -- to have some poly expression and be loved as the whole you within a closed polyship of 2?

2) Are you wanting to start dating Another? And seek a polyship that is larger than the 2 people you are right now?

Because to me that's the crux there.

1) she might be able to Open herself up to. In a closed polyship of 2 -- be Open in Mind and Heart so she can share in your inner life with you.

2) That is asking her to Open in Mind, Heart, AND Body and Soul and be happy with sharing you with Another. And that she might not ever dig.

So you guys need to clarify what's on the table here.

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Old 09-03-2012, 07:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Well, it wouldn't be poly if there isn't consent, so it looks like you have a hard choice to make.
Can you invest in your marriage and make it the best expression of partnership and love it can possibly be, even if it continues to be monogamous?

Or is living polyamorously something you absolutely must have, enough to leave the marriage and seek it elsewhere?
What is it you hope poly will bring to your life? Are you dissatisfied with any elements of your marriage (besides the issue of her not wanting poly)? What prompted your seeking it out?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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marriage commitments, mono/poly

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