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  #11  
Old 08-30-2012, 10:53 PM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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Being their anniversary, perhaps arrange a time afterwards, so they can have a nice day without worry?

As for outlining things, best to write down all of your needs, wants and limitations. Each of you need to clearly explain everything. Writing it down makes it easier to come back to and re-read.

Storm and I just did this recently, so that we can come back to our notes and remember what we requested of each other.

I know it may seem silly or weird to write it down, but if it is in black and white, you all will have no reason to say "I forgot" or "I didn't know" - it's written and talked about, so it is available any time anyone needs a reminder.

Storm and I are planning on writing out our personal Poly rules to post on a board in our living room. This is easy for us to go over, and any potentials/lovers will be able to see what our "house" rules are ("house" covering our home, our minds and our bodies). This is just a way that things can be seen and remembered.

As an example, we both feel the need to be friends first, before anything romantic can happen. Also, we like to meet the other person, so we: 1. Know who we are seeing outside of our relationship (comfort zone as well as safety, should anything untoward happen); 2. Clearly explain to the other person that this is a mutual agreement in our relationship (being poly); and 3. Have the other person see what our rules are and understand what our limits, as a couple, are (ex. no unprotected sex of any kind, including oral; no outsiders in our bed; no over nights until a minimum of 3-6 dates [or however many it takes, we've not concluded this as of yet], etc).
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  #12  
Old 08-31-2012, 01:48 AM
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PolyPhonic PolyPhonic is offline
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I think you should at least give her a bonus point for talking to you about what she did. That was cool.
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  #13  
Old 09-01-2012, 02:56 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
Here lies another issue that just cropped up.....it was forgotten that it is my partner's one year anniversary tomorrow. They have decided to work on things ( a convo I was not a part of ). We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow.....now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....
I'd wave goodbye. They aren't sure when they have time free to spend on sorting out whether the whole thing will stay together? That's a clear signal that they really don't care, in these circumstances.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #14  
Old 09-01-2012, 11:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
I said I would review what she wants for the relationship agreement tomorrow when we meet, but that was all I would commit to at this moment. In the meantime, their stuff is still packed.
You do know what comes after the bags being packed, right? They go out the door.

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
We all committed to stabilizing our relationship before putting anyone else in the mix. And what she did goes way above and beyond that.

I think most people who saw this right now, would run to the hills. I know my head and heart are certainly there.
Well, if you're not heading for the hills, ask yourself why you would rather align yourself with people who disrespect you instead of respecting yourself and walking away with head held high. What's that about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
She wants the relationship agreement written now, because she strayed, because she said her desires have not been met.
Yeah, so what? Too little too late.

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow...
Um, why, exactly? Sounds like you caved and said, "Alrighty, I will consider you abusing me and taking advantage of my good nature some more."

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post
.now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....
Those bags... still packed? Out the door yet? If it were me, the bags and their owners would be on the curb. If they're not, I'd say that you clearly don't want to take a stance or act in your own best interest. And that is sad. Don't you deserve better treatment from others AND yourself? No one can advocate for you if you won't do it for yourself.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 09-02-2012, 02:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I feel for you. I am sorry you are going through this. Not all choices in Life are win or lose. When the choices in life are "this choice stinks" and "this choice stinks too" -- pick the LEAST stinky.

The temporary stink of a break up here seems better than endless stinkage at the hands of a non-Jedi player who keeps breaking agreements.

Why sign up for more shenanigans?
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-02-2012 at 02:20 AM.
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  #16  
Old 09-04-2012, 02:47 AM
punkrockmomma punkrockmomma is offline
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I did advocate for myself.

I stood my ground, made my needs abundantly clear and that this b.s. and dishonesty was over if either of them want to keep me around.A clear relationship agreement was constructed and our "triad" ( I really dislike many poly terms) is closed until we are stable, and it is mutually agreed upon to open it up again.
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  #17  
Old 09-04-2012, 03:59 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Good for you PRM! I hope it works.
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  #18  
Old 09-04-2012, 04:06 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I hope it works too. And I hope you have a final limit if they STILL break agreements from this point.

GL!
GalaGirl
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  #19  
Old 09-04-2012, 02:49 PM
punkrockmomma punkrockmomma is offline
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This is my final limit, absolutely.

Normally I would not have been this accommodating - by now I would have had a screaming/swearing fit, punched someone in the head and walked. Poly is a very new world for me, in so many ways.

I was not trying to be wishy washy, if anything it was my rather backwards way of learning how truly differently some people work. No, there is no excuse for bad behaviour....and my partners have been abundant in that. But I have not always been a peach in my past either.

I am being understanding this last time, because I get some of their actions/acting out. It takes a lot of al anon meetings, yoga and constant inward searching and self evaluation for me to continue on my path, to have even gotten to a path actually.

My female partner said I need this structure and support, my male partner is working on being more intimate and communicative. I have done what I can, and hope they do the same. If not, then I move on.
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  #20  
Old 09-04-2012, 03:01 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I am glad that things have been talked-through - now it's just a question of time to see if everyone will abide by their commitments.

In my experience, so many of the agreements that poly folks enter into don't have anywhere near enough detail in them. When someone does something that one finds is outside of the agreement, but isn't something that was talked about, the "but it's commonsense" argument is used. Trouble is, commonsense to one person isn't the same to another. If something is important, then it's vital that it be discussed and (if necessary) written down. If everyone agrees that it's commonsense then no further discussion needs to be had.

In my opinion, the agreement should contain some good, broad general statements (e.g. "Nobody has sex with folks outside the relationship before the new person meets everyone") and specific statements (e.g. "Sex includes oral, manual and penetrative sex") That way you don't get into arguments about what folks define as "having sex" once it's too late...

It may seem overly detailed and unnecessary, but believe me, getting that common understanding is vital.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 09-04-2012 at 03:14 PM.
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