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Old 11-23-2011, 02:59 AM
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Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
I have two points to respond with to this: first, you seem to believe that feeling compersion "eliminates" jealousy, as if being in a poly relationship means you must never feel jealous, or that it is more evolved not to feel jealous. But human beings are multifaceted. Some people are naturally less inclined to be jealous, others have to get past a huge amount of conditioning and insecurities to alleviate the jealousy they feel. One could be living polyamorously and experience both moments of total compersion and moments of all-consuming jealousy, and every shade of the rainbow in between -- and it doesn't mean they are not "doing poly right" for whatever they're feeling.

Generally, jealous is a cover for other, underlying difficult feelings. It's so much easier to focus on the jealousy than it is to feel inadequate, abandoned, a fear of loss of control, or other uncomfortable emotions.

Second, you say that you can't quite understand how one can feel compersion when there's the feeling of having something taken from you. I am going to guess that you're looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in a previously mono relationship that is newly "opened up." Perhaps you feel like something has been taken from you, which could indicate a fair amount of possessiveness, but not everyone else who embarks on poly feels that way. A few examples: some people may feel like they're taking something from someone, some feel a sense of relief, others exhilaration, and others fear something but are not sure what or why they are afraid. Some folks don't feel any kind of ownership over their partners and get on board with compersion right away. So, don't assume that the sense of emptiness from having something taken away is the thing that everyone must grapple with to reach compersion. It could be very difficult, or it could be surprisingly easy if someone can tap into a sense of wanting their partner to feel free and happy, despite any sense they may have of feeling like they're "getting less."

Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
I think when a person can look at their lover without any thoughts of "what am I getting out of this?" it is easier to be happy for their happiness and feel compersion. If we always choose to focus on ourselves, and what we are getting or not getting, compersion is probably impossible. So, I think it takes admitting to a bit of self-centered concerns and examining them closely and with some compassion, for ourselves as well as those we love, to get past whatever feelings stand in the way of feeling compersion.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-23-2011 at 05:38 AM.
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:24 AM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
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Default Is compersion real?

Yes. So is jealousy. I usually don't feel jealous, but it does manifest occasionally. I recognize jealousy as part of the culture in which I was raised and compersion as part of the culture to which I wish to belong.

When you wish for others what you wish for yourself, you've gotten to the place where compersion is the default setting. Some see polyamory as diminishing love, as if it were a precious commodity being divided. But it's more like, the more you give away, the more you have. Like smiles.

This is my favorite question, in all the ways it is phrased: is it really possible to feel good about someone you love loving someone else? I'd say, it's possible for most of us, if we want it to be.
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Old 11-23-2011, 05:28 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.

Nevertheless like nycindie said, it doesn't eliminate the possibility of feeling jealousy or envy, but it sure as hell can make it easier sometimes.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:01 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Default I can say its real

I have watched my wife making love to her BF and seen how happy she is, what I want from my life is happiness. Watching her being happy makes me happy. What do I get out of it, well gee go figure if my wife is happy....... Needless to say there have been many times as well where it has been the other way and my wife is happy for me. Just the other day she said to me you need to be with your GF.

I think people need to get over themselves and every thing else will be fine, what I mean by that is that people who have problems with poly usually are looking at it with why am I not enough, or how come I can't do that for .... And you know the love I have with my wife is different than the love I have with my GF. But I do love them both. I have made it very clear to my wife that I will not leave her so that she is not feeling insecurity.

A true poly person can love more than one. And I for one am very happy with my personal life right now.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:51 PM
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As I see compersion it is very real and, for me, without jealousy. I feel this daily towards RP and her husband and her girlfreind. That does not mean I am not a jealous person LOL! I know what jealousy feels like for sure. What it does mean is that in a least these two rare cases I have found complete, consistant, and total comfort. It is not something I am aware of. It's not joy or excitement for the relationships although I am concerned about the health of each sometimes. It is more about what I don't feel than what I do feel.

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Old 11-23-2011, 04:49 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Yes, it is real. And, for me, it did take some time... or should I say, practice

It was a gradual shift... one in which I've come to see compersion as the normal state of affairs and jealousy as more temporary and, most times, it alerts me to something in myself that isn't exactly right. More often than not, what I think is jealousy is insecurity about myself or the relationship or just life in general. Once I identify what's really bothering me and fix it, the big, calm empty space left over is, I think, compersion
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:51 PM
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Yes, its real. I feel it often, but I also have my moments of jealousy. My jealousy like others have said comes through when there is something else going on. I have to take some time and exam it and figure it out and then take steps to correct what is causing it. Thankfully for me compersion happens way more than the jealousy.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:31 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I agree with the "it's real" verdict.

For me, it was actually more of a "click" one day. It helped to experience reality instead of hypotheticals. In other words, a lot of my insecurities were based on "what if this, what if that" without actually getting into those situations and finding out what if. When I saw with my own eyes that my partner could be with someone else, and still come home to me with just as much love and passion as he had when he left (actually, more), then I started to live more in reality than hypotheticals.

I think it's a lot about letting go... letting go of cultural norms, fears, preconceived notions, and anxiety. Let yourself trust.

It also has to do with finding a partner whom you can trust. Let's face it, not everyone who wears the polyamorist button is good at doing it. Some people make it hard to trust them, behave selfishly, and generally don't look out for your well-being. Of course, plenty of people do that in monoamorous relationships also.
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Old 11-24-2011, 10:41 PM
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For other discussions on this topic please take a look at the search engine for the tag "compersion"
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Old 11-24-2011, 11:53 PM
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Compersion is indeed real and I feel it often. It is NOT the opposite of jealousy nor is it a cure or antidote for jealousy. Jealousy is its own emotion, to be dealt with on its own, just like happiness, or excitement, or sadness are emotions. Compersion is a lovely feeling that tends to be *more present* when you're not feeling jealous most of the time, but it *can* be present at the SAME time as jealousy.

You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human.

Compersion is more easily experienced if you're feeling relaxed and happy about yourself. Jealousy is less likely to be experienced under these same circumstances, hence the association between the two. Sort of like how having a full belly and contentment are often found together.
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