Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Dating & Friendships > North America


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-28-2012, 09:26 PM
Lover Lover is offline
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
Unhappy What to do

Hello, so I found this forum trying to google advice on adjusting to a poly relationship. I'm currently dating this amazing woman who lights up my world and she is poly. I've only been in mono relationships, but a poly lifestyle doesn't seem out of the norm and I'm ready and willing to learn. However, recently I've become attracted to someone she's introduced me to and I talked to her about asking this person on a date. At first she was bright eyed and eager for me to go out and date (we keep those communication lines open). Then I stayed consistent and told her that they said yes (still saying that she's ok with it). Those two incidences were the only times I spoke about dating someone while dating her. But today, I asked her for advice on a good place to eat while I'm on this said date. And she became a bit insecure or something resembling insecurity. She then expressed that I'll just be having sex with them so I shouldn't worry about where I eat. Now any other time I would laugh and joke around and at first I did, but I knew there was an under lying reason on why she said that. We talked, she apologized and did express that she was insecure about me going out on a date with this particular person and was just being a bit irrational.
I'm so new at this that my first reaction to these insecurities was to not go on this date and to stay with her. But, I feel as if this action would be unfair to both of us. For when she wants to talk to another wherever we are, I allow her space and let her be who she is. So not going out on this date could possibly start a ripple affect of I date her while she dates many. And I'm not okay with that.
My question is how can I calm my lovers nerves and insecurities and still be able to explore this new lifestyle with her? I thought she would be my guide through all my questions but I believe her past might be playing a role right now.
Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated
Reply With Quote
Old 08-29-2012, 02:31 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

It's great that you stayed in communication with her about dating her friend and all, but next time don't ask your girlfriend for a recommendation on a restaurant to take someone else out. That comes off as kind of asking her to manage your date for you, IMO. That is something that I would see old, established couples doing when they know each other very well. Manage each of your own relationships separately. Plus, your girlfriend may be the type of person who wants the honesty and knowing what you're up to, but not have every detail in her face! TMI, you know? Just keep her informed of enough so that she knows you are seeing someone but don't give her details unless she wants them.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote

insecurities, nerves, secondary partners

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:31 AM.