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#1
06-10-2012, 06:53 AM
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I Lost a Friend Because I Came Out To Her Tonight...
I'm still crying. I'm 21 years old, I haven't cried since I was 12. The person who I told everything to - all my secrets, all my problems - the person who I called my closest friend just told me that who I am is "wrong" because I came out to her about being polyamorous.
Nobody knows that me or my fiancee are polyamorous other than three of her closest friends who we'll call "J", "A", and, "T". (which I did not know "A" or "T" knew prior to the events of tonight. I knew that "J" did, because she has been the girl who was our top candidate for a Unicorn until she decided that she couldn't do it because of her parents being very devout Pentecostals.) Because nobody knows, I've been feeling it weighing down on me lately. This big, soul crushing secret that I'm afraid to tell anybody about. I just had to get it off my chest somewhere, to someone. I chose my closest friend, we'll call her "S". I have told her secrets that nobody other than my fiancee knows. She has told me secrets that nobody other than me knows. So I thought she would be the best candidate to unload this burden on. It didn't turn out as I had hoped it was going to. I was simply trying to get the pain of the secret off of my chest, and to not feel so different as I have been lately. To be accepted for who and what I am. The following is the conversation that I had with "S". The beginning of it is missing, but it essentially is me telling her that I'm polyamorous, and that my fiancee was as well. Throughout the conversation she seems to forget that I did say my fiancee was aware that I was polyamorous, felt secure with it, and was polyamorous herself. Quote:
Last edited by PolyMister; 06-10-2012 at 06:56 AM. 
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#2
06-10-2012, 06:53 AM
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But I told my fiancee of the incident and she helped to cheer me up a little bit. The following is the conversation I had with my fiancee after she read the conversation I had with "S".
Quote:
Last edited by PolyMister; 06-10-2012 at 07:29 AM.
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#3
06-10-2012, 08:19 AM
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 I'm sorry things did not go the way you thought it would when you shared this with your friend. I can imagine how shot down and ridiculed you feel.I think as you both gain the time and chance to process how everything went, you might be able to revisit the subject with her in the near future. This initial conversation might have been just emphasis on a knee-jerk reaction to something that is wildly foreign and brand new to her, and not necessarily a situation where she finds you repulsive. Try to just breathe, find some calm, centre yourself, and stay positive. There are more discussions to be had, for sure. All might not be lost.
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#4
06-10-2012, 10:53 AM
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I've had plenty of people tell me they don't agree. Which I expect and understand. But never yet [that anyone has told me about] lost a friend over it. We just accept that each of us are different and get on with similing. =] Honestly, if people are that bothered by who you are, you're better off without them in your life. As much as it hurt this time, you can be sure to bring it up to people before friendship gets that close from now on, thereby knowing whether it is worth taking anything further with them.
__________________
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#5
06-10-2012, 12:57 PM
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Why are you crying? She stated her opinion. You responded by preaching at her (poorly) and implying she was a brainwashed moron.
Being polyamorous is not anything like being GLBTQ. It hardly makes you special. If I had one partner for the rest of eternity, I'd be fine. If I had none, I'd be fine. You can't compare it to being forced to live a heteronormative lifestyle that feels wrong - You don't need to be with several people. If your big source of pain in your life is not telling the world you're polyamorous, you're lucky. Tone down the drama, and apologize for your preaching and implications. You're the one who messed up here, based on the transcripts.
__________________
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels
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#6
06-10-2012, 01:35 PM
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When I was a little younger than you, I "converted" from sort-of evangelical Christianity to "Objectivism" after reading Ayn Rand. I was determined not only that people should know of my conversion, but that they should all acknowledge that mine was the true path of wisdom. Well, that didn't last. I made myself a miserable, lonely pain in the neck for a couple of years, then I got over it all, moved on from Rand and her hack philosophy, and started rebuilding some of the bridges I'd burned. (If any Objectivists out there are offended, let's take it off list . . .) The thing is, looking back, I think I was insecure in my conversion and, with all the fervor of a new convert, had to convert others in order to convince myself. Seems to me LotusesandRoses hits it on the head: Quote:
Then, acknowledge that she disagrees with you, and just agree to disagree. We often have to do that, for the sake of friendship. Another story that might give some perspective. Vix and I moved in together before we were married, which upset my parents terribly. I couldn't exactly keep it a secret from them, at least not for long. When I told them, my mom cried, and demanded to know: "Where's the moral young man we raised??" I told her: "I'm right here! I have not made this choice lightly, and I take responsibility for my actions and their consequences." They were not convinced - and they were a little too happy when Vix and I got engaged - but I neither gave ground nor insisted they affirm the basic rightness of my choice. My relationship with them was a little strained for a while, and there were some difficult compromises when Vix and I visited my folks a few months later, but I kept my relationship with my parents. Now, as for secrets, I do have to keep our recent turn to poly from my parents. They would freak out, and maybe worse. We just visited them, a few weeks ago, and it was actually kind of fun to carry our secret with us. I would write long emails to my girlfriend under my parents' very noses . . . How often does a middle-aged guy get to be rebellious like that? Last edited by hyperskeptic; 06-10-2012 at 02:56 PM.
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#7
06-10-2012, 01:45 PM
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Lotus - for some of us it is part of our identity, just as much as being gay, straight, or bi. And it is just as painful to force onself to behave differently. Just because it isn't that way for you, doesn't mean you have all the answers either.
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#8
06-10-2012, 01:51 PM
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While I'm sorry that your friend didn't take your revelation well, I have to agree with the others. You did come off as preachy, and you got your "facts" wrong. While, yes, many cultures did practice a type of polyamory there were others that practiced enforced monogamy. The Roman Empire for example.
I recently came out about polyamory to all of my close girlfriends, only one of them seems to be taking it in stride. The others are pretending it doesn't exist. I just told them, "Hey, this is what Bear and I are doing." so that when I talk about Lovely they won't wonder who and what I'm talking about. I did not, however, try to convince them that one way is more right or wrong than the other. It's just different. Give your friend a few days to process what you have said, apologize for being preachy, and see if you can go on from there.
__________________
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight. Not dating anyone right now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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#9
06-10-2012, 04:27 PM
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Chris: Thank you very much for sharing these transcripts. It's awesome to see some real conversations without edits or paraphrasing...it's about as real and honest a window into life as poly as it gets on a medium like this forum. So thanks for bringing it here. One of the best pieces of advice I got when starting down the poly road was that you need to tell someone. There needs to be a friend, confidant or something who knows you're poly, who you can talk to about the struggles and share the victories. It's possible to live in the closet, but someone needs to know, whether they themselves are poly or not. We are social animals after all, and we need that support network. One risk of talking about coming out to people is that sometimes they disappoint, and aren't actually inclined to be supportive, as happened S. It doesn't mean you shouldn't still find someone who IS supportive. It may be a little tricky considering you seem to be caught between two very conservative parts of the country between where you are, and where I expect most of your friends are from. You may want to consider in the future having theoretical conversations about the concept of non-monogamy, polyamory, and various other forms on a purely hypothetical or philosophical level with friends you might consider good candidates before you take that last leap about identifying yourself to them. It's a way to mitigate the risk and better gauge if they have hard over conservative or traditional views such as S before jumping. (As for being preachy...it's not like they weren't being so either. If that's how you and your friends interact, no harm no foul.)
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb -Imaginary Illusion How did I get here & Where am I going?
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#10
06-10-2012, 05:41 PM
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How does not telling people their beliefs are wrong and dumb mean you behave differently? If I'm talking to my friends and I mention going on a date with Mr. and Mrs. Nice, and they say, "Jeez, you're weird," I'm not going to burst into tears. (Everyone would constantly be in tears if this was the case, where I live.) He's upset because she dared to disagree with him. At no point did she say she never wanted to talk to him, or that he was the devil's spawn. Aren't mono viewpoints just as valid as poly? Does he want her to be poly? Growing up queer is a lot different from being poly. I can choose how many people I sleep with or am involved with at any time. I can't choose who I'm attracted to.
__________________
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels
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