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  #11  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:07 PM
Skye Skye is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ugh, all I can say is you and your wife seem to be too much up in each other's shit. Each trying to control the other so tightly, ugh, that would make me spit. You "letting her" do this, her "allowing" you to do that. It's crazy. Whatever happened to expansiveness and generosity and autonomy? And it always amazes me how much people let stupid Facebook play such a big part in their relationships. I think you would have alot less drama if you stopped using it and simply spoke to each other directly. Drop the games, both of you. It was exhausting to read your story. That's my initial reaction.
Maybe you are just trying to be straight forward, but I find your post incredibly rude and unsupportive. Is that the way this board works? If yes, that is disheartening. They are new to being poly and trying to navigate things. You can't expect everyone to be as evolved as you seem to think you are.
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  #12  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:12 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Skye View Post
Maybe you are just trying to be straight forward, but I find your post incredibly rude and unsupportive. Is that the way this board works? If yes, that is disheartening.
Yes, that is the way the world works, and this forum is part of the world. People communicate differently and not everyone is going to like the way everyone else does it. That is why we choose some folks to be our friends and others we just ignore and go about our business without them.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 08-29-2012 at 11:16 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:26 PM
Skye Skye is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Yes, that is the way the world works, and this forum is part of the world. People communicate differently and not everyone is going to like the way everyone else does it. That is why we choose some folks to be our friends and others we just ignore and go about our business without them.
Alrighty then.... do you really think people getting those kinds of responses is going to make anyone here be open and honest and want to discuss their issues? Isn't that what this board is supposed to be for? Maybe I am just confused. I would think that since being poly can be a very isolating thing, isolating our fellow poly people even more would be something we would try to not do. There are nicer ways to go about saying things, it's called tact.
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  #14  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:28 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And it always amazes me how much people let stupid Facebook play such a big part in their relationships. I think you would have alot less drama if you stopped using it and simply spoke to each other directly.
This! It's funny, while I talk to my friends all the time on fb, I almost never talk to my husband there. I'll email, text, or call him if we aren't together, but never fb message him. If you wife is hacking into your account, you need to tell her that this behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop, then change your password and remember to log off every time.
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  #15  
Old 08-29-2012, 11:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Skye View Post
Alrighty then.... do you really think people getting those kinds of responses is going to make anyone here be open and honest and want to discuss their issues? Isn't that what this board is supposed to be for? Maybe I am just confused. I would think that since being poly can be a very isolating thing, isolating our fellow poly people even more would be something we would try to not do. There are nicer ways to go about saying things, it's called tact.
Yes, I have seen people here discussing their issues in the presence of non-tactful responses more times than I can count. There is nothing in the forum guidelines that requires someone's posts to meet others' definition of tactful. This board IS for people discussing their issues openly and honestly, and "open and honest" does not equal "tactful". So I would have to say that yes, you probably are just confused. Some people are tactful, others aren't. The OP doesn't have to listen to nycindie if he doesn't like what she has to say. No need for tact-police here.
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  #16  
Old 08-30-2012, 12:38 AM
Gothboy Gothboy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ugh, all I can say is you and your wife seem to be too much up in each other's shit. Each trying to control the other so tightly, ugh, that would make me spit. You "letting her" do this, her "allowing" you to do that. It's crazy. Whatever happened to expansiveness and generosity and autonomy? And it always amazes me how much people let stupid Facebook play such a big part in their relationships. I think you would have alot less drama if you stopped using it and simply spoke to each other directly. Drop the games, both of you. It was exhausting to read your story. That's my initial reaction.
Whatever you say Ms. PolyPerfect ... I thought if discussions and agreements were made, it'd be important to talk about them, before changing them... if not it might as well be cheating I'd think ...

And I don't message my wife on facebook - nowhere in my story did I say I was talking to my wife on through facebook. My wife and I are together nearly every night and we've been discussing this as best we can - face to face. I did mention I have been in touch with the other girl through facebook, as I don't have the luxury of being face to face with her at this point in time.

As I said, I'm new to Poly lifestyle - and maybe it's normal for YOU to break trusts with your partner - but I believe in honesty and following what we decided would work for our relationship at that point in time. When she decided she wanted to change - we discussed it and worked it out. And if you notice when she wanted to change - I agreed to it ... so I don't feel like I've been controlling at all...

But you go on thinking I'm controlling - whatever...
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  #17  
Old 08-30-2012, 12:43 AM
Gothboy Gothboy is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Thinking about something-and experiencing it are TOTALLY different. One can play guessing games about how they will react-but until they experience it-it's JUST guessing. Because they don't know how they will ACTUALLY feel.

I am DEFINITELY poly and I WANT my husband to have the freedom to be as well.
But-I didn't at all expect (primarily because I've always felt this way) to feel jealous (which I'd never experienced before) or all of the physical reactions that went with it (sick to my stomach to the point of puking, dizzy, anxiety to the point of having to take emergency meds because it negatively impacted my breathing-etc).

there were unresolved trust issues that were "hidden" because I hadn't had to face them-until he actually found someone.

So-no-her actions are not fair-and yes they do need to be addressed and resolved.

But-it may not have been intentional. (it also may have-just offering you perspective).

it's taken me 6 months to get my head together (not making the other woman disappear-but they did back off) and am only just gotten to the point where he went out with her and I didn't freak out emotionally.
THAT SAID-it was MY JOB to seriously bust my ass to face down my demons-and his to be patient ONLY BECAUSE I was actively and DAILY working on shit for his benefit.

Shrug-only you and she can figure out your situation-but keep your mind open to the possibility that its not always what it appears.
Thank you for sharing your perspective - you could be right ... as difficult as it seems - maybe the fact that I wasn't looking as hard as she gave her false impressions ... I guess time and soul searching will tell if she will be able to accept the fact that she's not the only one in the relationship that would like to see other people. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't ... All I can do is wait and see.

Thanks again.
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  #18  
Old 08-30-2012, 12:53 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Gothboy - without your wife's side of the story and for people to be able to ask her questions directly, it's very easy for people to make erroneous assumptions. I may have come across as though I was defending nycindie's position, but in fact I don't agree that you appear controlling. However, I dislike the use of terminology such as "let" or "allow" when it comes to the way two ADULTS relate to one another, and I try to eschew those words in my own relationships, or at least put them in quotes when I need to use them for whatever reason. They suggest a relationship based on a paradigm of ownership, which is an odious thing to many people, both poly and otherwise. Yes, it perhaps implies that someone may be "more evolved" (<--see what I did there?), but it may benefit you to move past being offended by that idea and see if there is any way you could use it to improve your perspective.
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  #19  
Old 08-30-2012, 02:35 AM
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That is why we choose some folks to be our friends and others we just ignore and go about our business without them.
For those that are unsure how to ignore users on this forum, here is a simple set of instructions.

1.) Click on the user's name
2.) Select to view their public profile
3.) On their profile page, click User Lists
4.) Select to add user to your ignore list
5.) Confirm that you would like to add the user to your ignore list
6.) Enjoy
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  #20  
Old 08-30-2012, 04:54 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle. Am I reading all that right?

You guys have been married a while, she was poly before the marriage and you not. Then you guys Opened Up without any preparation for framework of how you agree to be together to stay in right relationship, conflict resolution, or the polyship model you were going for? There's as many models as there are poly people!

Because it sounds to me like she assumed she would be dating people and you would be remaining monogamous. And you assumed that you would be dating as well -- just taking it at your speed. So when you develop a thing she had a cow? Perhaps emotional flooding?

I'd suggest you PAUSE all the dating temporarily. Existing partners, ok. They didn't do this. But NO NEW people added to the polymath you already have making it rougher to sort out.

Then sit down to answer yourselves to each other and reality test and reasonable test each answer. Is this a reasonable thing? Is this realistic? Am I assuming of my partner? Am I having unreal expectation of my partner? That kind of stuff.
  • You want? (To date Another just as she can? That seems fair.)
  • You need? (To not have all the cows? That seems fair -- what's your new plan for conflict resolution gonna be? Will you see a counselor to help you guys learn new skills in that area?
  • Your soft limits that could change in time? (Willing to Pause new dating for X months while sorting this out? Something else?)
  • Your hard limits that are not going to change? (No longer willing to Close back Up.)
  • You are willing to pony up in service to the larger relationships health? ( Take a day off to see the counselor? Freeze meals ahead? What? Time doesn't fall from sky. You MAKE time. )
  • Your ideas for how to solve this are ? (???)
  • She wants? (To date others freely and you not date at all. Doesn't sound fair if you do not want this arrangement)
  • She needs (? And to work on conflict resolution skills?)
  • She has soft limits of (?)
  • She has hard limits of (?)
  • She is willing to pony up (?)
  • Her ideas for how to solve this are (counselor?)

Have a good talk, fill in what is missing and then take it one thing at a time as you sort yourselves out.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-30-2012 at 05:01 AM.
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