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  #1  
Old 08-25-2012, 05:08 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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has anyone got any suggestions on how i cope with the lonely feelings i get from being part of a 3 way relationship where i have to mainly remain a secret in public and in front of the kids, in fact alot of the time. i tell myself it doesnt matter, that what i get out of this relationship is way more important than public affection/recognition, but at times i struggle like now. please help
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Old 08-25-2012, 01:29 PM
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has anyone got any suggestions on how i cope with the lonely feelings i get from being part of a 3 way relationship where i have to mainly remain a secret in public and in front of the kids, in fact alot of the time. i tell myself it doesnt matter, that what i get out of this relationship is way more important than public affection/recognition, but at times i struggle like now. please help
The fact that you are struggling means that it obviously *does* matter to you, and that shouldn't be just brushed aside.

Do you feel that it needs to remain a secret for good, practical reasons? Or do you feel that it's pretty arbitrary?

One of the annoyances for me about polyamory is that it is looked down upon by so much of society - people aren't able to be "out" because they fear losing their jobs, or children, or something to do with family. I wish it could be different.

Putting all that aside, when it comes to practicalities, the challenges you face are close to those of a single person - what do they do to not be lonely?

Check this out:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/7-th...y-1390831.html

Any of this sound familiar to you? Are you by nature an introvert or an extrovert? Because the needs of each are quite different.

Can you talk a little more about what specifically you feel lonely about? Is it that you can't do some social activities that you would normally like to do with your partner? Is it more the "cuddling on the couch" type of thing?

If you can't have the companionship that you feel you need in the framework of your relationship, then you need to try to supplement it with other things in your life. In other words you need to have a life outside of your secondary relationship. This may be with other loving relationships, or it may be with friends and/or family. If you have time to spare, maybe volunteer at a local not-for-profit - a great way to meet people, even if it's to make some new friends.

Maybe some of this will resonate for you, maybe it won't - hope some of this is useful...
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Old 08-25-2012, 07:13 PM
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Hmm, so you're in a triad and being treated like a dirty little secret by the couple both in public and in front of their children. A little more info is needed, I think, in order to give more precise advice. How do they introduce you to friends and explain your presence to their kids? Do you live with them? Do you have any other relationships, or do they not "allow" you to be with anyone else? Are there any other ways in which you feel sort of set aside and not able to be yourself with regard to them?

Know that you do not have to accept and put up with crap that makes you unhappy.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 08-26-2012, 05:00 AM
Becca Becca is offline
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This one is hard. My primary-ish relationship is with a man who also has a live-in girlfriend who's been part of his life for years before me. His family and the people he works with know her as his partner. He doesn't want to be out as poly with family or at work, so I'm secret from them.

That's the extent of the secret, though. Our friends know. My family and her family know. But still, I worry that if something happens to him, if he were in the hospital or something, I'd be out of the loop.

I respect his decision to be closeted. People at my job know nothing of my personal life, so I have my own closet there. It does hurt, just a little, to run into his coworker at the store and be introduced as his friend.

Social recognition is something that we value for our relationships. It's normal. And while a lot of poly people are closeted in some ways, not all of us are. I have a friend, who has two partners, and everyone knows (her kids, her work, her family, the PTA, everybody). I'm envious sometimes of her courage.

You do get to decide for yourself what level of secrecy is okay with you, and what makes you feel too insignificant. Don't presume that you deserve to be kept hidden away. If it makes you feel bad, you should pay attention to those feelings, and figure out how big they really are.
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Old 08-26-2012, 05:42 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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i live in their house as their best "friend" which is great but hardly anyone knows about the real us, in our small city it would be really shunned. and we dont want the kids to get bullied etc. its a hard one thats for sure.
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Old 08-26-2012, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaynine View Post
i live in their house as their best "friend" which is great but hardly anyone knows about the real us, in our small city it would be really shunned. and we dont want the kids to get bullied etc. its a hard one thats for sure.
Jaynine, thanks for this perspective - so your reason for posting here has less to do with the secrecy aspect and more to do with how to deal with the loneliness that you are feeling. I think that folks, rather than commenting exclusively on their mutually agreed-upon choice to live their relationship the way they need to, should try to focus on this aspect rather than talking about how this level of secrecy wouldn't work for them.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:16 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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thankyou and yes i would like ideas on how to deal with the lonely feelings etc, my partners are very supportive and i do try hard normally to focus on the positive. but sometimes when my defences are low i.e overtired from nightshift i start to spiral downhill. at those low points i almost feel like leaving the relationship but thats not what we want. i love them too much and we have been building a life together now for a year and a half.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:21 PM
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Good feedback, thanks - did any of the suggestions I made in my first answer resonate at all?
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  #9  
Old 08-27-2012, 10:28 PM
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Loneliness.

One of the hardest things to handle for me-is being lonely-when I'm not alone. Which, I imagine would happen if I were in a situation where I was secret-because-even though my "love" is technically present, they may not be free to be physically present FOR ME.

One of the big things I would suggest, is spending some of that time with the kids-really nurturing loving relationship with them. It kind of sounds silly-writing it, but the closer they are to you, the more connected and family-like their relationship with you, the more affection they will freely give you-AND by nature, expect to be "normal amounts of affection" for you to have from their parents.

I have kids ranging in age from 5-21. Its very evident that the closer THEY feel to someone (anyone) the more THEY want that person to be close to us (their parents). Therefore, in coming out poly-one of the things that benefited us greatly in the end, was that the kids already had a close, meaningful and deeply affectionate relationship with my boyfriend-every single one of them. They all knew him as "part of the family".

The next thing I suggest is finding an activity that you really enjoy-without them-any of them. A weekly thing you can go do, make friends OF YOUR OWN that you can be yourself with and also get affection from.

Finally, it's never a bad thing for partners to brush up on "covert skills". Like leaving hidden love letters for you to find later, making a romantic cd for you with handpicked love songs that tell you how they feel about you (especially if they include something humorous); so you can listen to it when you can't get directly connected to them, sending flowers to your work secretly (the wife could take a card and buy them, send them-so no one starts thinking he's having an affair), picking out an outfit for you to wear and leaving it set out for you-with something special to make you think of them along with it...

If you are into kink and/or toys-I have suggestions along those lines too.
But, won't elaborate unless you inquire.

These are things my husband and I as well as my boyfriend and I do to keep the love and excitement alive. Even reading a book, underlining the parts that make you think of one another and then letting them read it, and see all those underlined "secrets".
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Old 08-28-2012, 12:24 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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they are lovely words. i do spend alot of time with their 4 boys and i am really close to the 2 youngest, they are all relaxed around me and used to seeing massages etc. my younger son lives with me every 2nd week and i have to be alot more careful when he around and my partners cant come into my bed for that week.
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