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  #1  
Old 09-05-2012, 11:58 AM
codydarkstalker codydarkstalker is offline
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Question How to Develop a New Relationship?

So I recently acquired a second boyfriend. We were having casual sex for a while, but I found myself liking him more and more and decided I wanted to date him or stop seeing him. He hadn't been interested in dating me at first and was nervous about me having a bf already and not wanting him to see other women (I'm still working on jealousy and insecurity right now). But when I said I wasn't going to come over again he invited me over to do something besides have sex and asked me out. This was a few weeks ago. We now hang out every other day about and I stayed the night a few times, but we mostly just do what we did before, have sex and smoke and eat junk food (I'm an unemployed college kid and he's kinda short on cash too). We text during the day, and we're getting used to being affectionate out of bed, but I feel bad my relationship with him isn't moving faster because I'm so close and in love with my other boyfriend, and I want them to be equals to me, not primary and secondary. How do I deal with this?
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  #2  
Old 09-05-2012, 03:41 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I don't think that it's right to force "equals" onto any relationship - letting each grow at their own pace into whatever they will be is absolutely the best way to go.

And, the old poly mantra - communicate - communicate your needs, wants and likes, and encourage them to communicate theirs. Nobody is a mind-reader and guessing takes a lot of energy.

The other vital part of poly for me is self-knowledge - understand not only what you are and aren't comfortable with but why. Understand the triggers. Does your boyfriend want to have relationships with others in the same way you do? If he doesn't, then your unwillingness to let him becomes kind of moot. It's another one of those "don't force equal" things.
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  #3  
Old 09-05-2012, 07:33 PM
codydarkstalker codydarkstalker is offline
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Yeah I guess I just feel bad because I feel like my new guy might see himself as less important to me because I'm not as close to him yet. I'm never sure of how to handle little things, and this all pretty new to me. I also sometimes over think things and worry for no reason.
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:45 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codydarkstalker View Post
Yeah I guess I just feel bad because I feel like my new guy might see himself as less important to me because I'm not as close to him yet.
Then talk to him about it. Make sure he knows that if he wants something, then he has to let you know.

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I'm never sure of how to handle little things, and this all pretty new to me. I also sometimes over think things and worry for no reason.
I am getting that impression, yes

It's something that caring folks do - want to think everything through to make sure that nobody is being hurt. But the more energy you expend on that, the less you will have for the relationships themselves, you know?
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  #5  
Old 09-05-2012, 10:23 PM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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How is the "old" guy/first boyfriend doing with all the new changes? Does he have/want other relationships?
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Old 09-05-2012, 10:25 PM
codydarkstalker codydarkstalker is offline
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He is doing well. He had previously asked about seeing other people but I told him I'm not ready for that. I myself offered to wait until I was, and simply be monogamous for a while but he insisted I see other people if it makes me happy and he seems ok with the new guy, they get along well.
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Old 09-08-2012, 11:14 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codydarkstalker View Post
He had previously asked about seeing other people but I told him I'm not ready for that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by codydarkstalker View Post
He hadn't been interested in dating me at first and was nervous about me having a bf already and not wanting him to see other women (I'm still working on jealousy and insecurity right now).
Well, I think that if you want to juggle two relationships and have them move along, work out well, and fit together nicely in your life, you should start making changes in the area of expecting both your boyfriends to be monogamous to you, while you can have more than one lover. (!)

You say you are "still working on" your jealousy and insecurity, but that sounds like just lip service. Exactly how do you "work on" these issues? What steps are you taking to resolve them? Do you have a plan to move past those uncomfortable feelings? It isn't very respectful if you use jealousy and insecurity as an excuse to treat them unfairly so you can feel (falsely) like you're "in control."

Be careful -- this can only go kablooey in your face if you don't start examining and moving boundaries now. They will not tolerate this unfairness for long, so you should start looking at being more generous in spirit and make the first move towards equanimity, before someone cheats to get what they really want, and which is forbidden to them by you.

Good luck!
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  #8  
Old 09-09-2012, 12:47 AM
codydarkstalker codydarkstalker is offline
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Well I've had exes who cheated and had more than one abusive relationship. This lead to my relationship with my primary. He knew I didn't like the idea of him seeing other people, but made it relaly clear he was still ok with me seeing other men (I offered not to, I don't have any issues with monogamy) and women. I had a few encounters with other men, casual things mostly, but always told him I was only going to do it if he was ok knowing I still didn't like him being with other people. I have now gotten to the point where I am begining to trust more and am ok with him having casual sex with another man (he is bi). I also said I am trying to get to the point where group sexual activity with other women would be ok as well, so I am trying to work on my trust problems. I do tell guys this before I start dating/sleeping with them though so it's nothing new or shocking to them, and I always tell them before things get serious that I might not be able to move forward quickly and they shouldn't agree to date me based on what I may be ok with later on.
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Old 09-12-2012, 05:22 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Seems to me it's unrealistic to expect the exact same level of commitment and "seriousness" from a relationship that has just started as from an already established one. It would make more sense to aim for the same level as you had with your other boyfriend when the relationship was the same age. Although it still would be unrealistic, because they're different people, and the situation is different.

I would let it progress at its own pace, although I agree with nycindie that you should probably focus on working on your jealousy issues with them.
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