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Old 05-10-2010, 06:22 PM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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Default Can I ask this...or rather...should I

eventually im hoping people will know me here so I dont have to do a quick recap every time...but...here we go.

Im in a newish triad (6ish months) with my husband and pretty much wife (she is my soulmate, known this for a long time...) Anyways, we all live together.

This meant that sex between only two of us while the 3rd was home happened much quicker than if we were living separetely..we only have one house, and one bed after all (we all share a king sized bed at night). This works for us...

Anyways...DH has expressed concerns, though not directly, that he is still slightly uncomfortable with me and dw having sex when he is there. We have a 'rule' that if two are having sex the 3rd is always welcome to join if s/he wants. the trouble is women have a better intuition (or at least we do) of when the other two want some 'alone time' so even if we wanted to we wouldnt join in. DH does not posess this intuition.

Now given dh's opinion I have been uncomfortable of being intimate with dw when he is home. On top of that mother nature has lined up so that even if we wanted to dw and I could not be sexually intimate for like 2 weeks..So it'll be like 3 weeks since we've last had sex - a long time for us.

Im going out thursday evening on a date - I know the two of them will have sex. Im completely okay with this. But I also know I am feeling envious, and am afraid of how those feelings will come out if I come home and they are still having sex.

Should I?/Can I ask them to be 'done' by the time I get home just this one time? Is there a better way to approach this situation?

Last edited by poiyt; 05-10-2010 at 07:02 PM.
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Old 05-10-2010, 06:58 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Should I?/Can I ask them to be 'done' by the time I get home just this one time? Is there a better way to approach this situation?
I don't see any reason why you can't tell them your plan for returning and ask for them to be "finished" up by then. Doesn't sound like a big thing to ask really. If it is a big thing they will tell you I'm sure. I would think any mature unselfish person/persons would understand this simple request.
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Old 05-10-2010, 08:33 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I agree Mono, there is a time and place for everything and I for one would not want to walk in thinking that I am going to hear of see others having sex. It's just not my idea of a comfortable home coming.
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Old 05-10-2010, 11:11 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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We have a 'rule' that if two are having sex the 3rd is always welcome to join if s/he wants.
^i love this rule

I don't think it's that big of a deal. I mean, it might be a big deal if you mean to ask them at all times, everyday to be done before you get home. That just seems controlly, if ya know what i mean. One one time or asking every so often is fine, lol. I think hearing people have sex with always make you awkward, no matter how mature you are. usually it turns me on, but sometimes even i get weirded out.
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Old 05-10-2010, 11:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I agree that it's not unreasonable to just explain how it will make you uncomfortable and if possible to work with you on that. You could even make an offer to give a quick call when you are on your way home (15 min notice).

And in case it might be helpful in the future, what we've found works for us for the most part is just to respect what we walk into and assume if we are wanted - we'll be invited. It's almost as uncomfortable for those involved as it is for the one who isn't ! Not wanting to hurt feelings or exclude someone - but yet savoring the private moment.
So having a mutual understanding that private time can be important and that there's no obligation to invite unless the mood is right just seems to put everyone on a more even keel.
Play time all revolves around moods and it's important in the long run to make space for all the mood variations. Being able to be 'private', to decline etc without it becoming personal is key.
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Old 05-11-2010, 12:25 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default Two-step approach?

Would it be possible to do it in two, more indirect, steps?
First, that you sit down and talk with them about how each of you feel when the other two are having sex, and you, for some reason, can not be involved? When they know precisely how you feel about it, they have got a signal. If you feel pretty sure they already know, you could still bring it up, just updating.
Next, you can simply tell them when you will probably be back again Thursday night.
Then, they should be able to add two and two correctly, shouldn't they?

And if it turns out they couldn't after all, you have a subject for a dialogue on Friday or later.
I think it is best to let the others know how I feel and react, and in the first place leave it to them to find ways of adapting to it.
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Old 05-11-2010, 12:46 AM
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I think it is best to let the others know how I feel and react, and in the first place leave it to them to find ways of adapting to it.
This is what I would do I think. If I know ahead of time how I think I will react it seems to work better to say so.

I would then leave it up to them. It think it always a good idea to be forward thinking as much as possible. It seems to alleviate a lot of issues that would of arisen if I hadn't in my experience.
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