Originally Posted by pickles25
.... if you all honestly think we should go to her tommrow and tell her that he and I are in love would she would stick around? not likley she needs a chance to see Im a kind and loving person and I want to make her as happy as I do him, and I would also like to add, I really like her and I enjoy the time we spend together, weve all slept together at the same time and ive stayed the night in thier bed shes not completley 'out of the loop' things are as open as they can be for now, if she eventually says she wants me in thier life, I will be so happy I can't describe it, if we move too fast and she says no..... that I will regret.
I think the best way here is not brutal "honesty", and you don't have to tell her everything. Not at once, maybe not even ever. But my gut feeling is that you should really bring up the theme of polyamory with her ASAP, just not with the intention of establishing a poly relationship straight away. More like an idea to work on - you got quite a few common experiences already. It will give her better chances of thinking things through, and maybe she even can get in charge of the whole process. That would be the best, and I think finding the right way to proceed would also benefit your relationship with him.
You'll never get away from the fact that you have already almost messed this up by proceeding too fast and without her, and a big challenge is developing real honesty and trust from a rather bad starting point. I'm sure it can be done, but you have to become as transparent as possible as soon as possible. And if you are heading towards polyamory without even mentioning the concept/idea to her even after several sleepovers etc, it doesn't look very transparent to me. Of course you should listen to his assessment of the situation, but the most important thing is that you are a real good friend of her now, and for that you have to be spontaneous. Heed his advice, but follow your intuitions towards her.