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  #1  
Old 08-25-2012, 08:58 PM
LostandDelirious LostandDelirious is offline
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Default Expressing One's Polyamorous side.

Good afternoon everyone.

Well, as of Thursday, I have officially announced my transition from Monogamy to Polyamory. Although I suppose the ironic part is my emotions and feelings have always been polyamorous, I just never confirmed it mentally until I took in a lot of reading and studying/covering what now makes sense in past relationships.

With that though, my concern is dating... I understand dating is normal, but when do you tell someone you're potentially interested in about your choice in life? I know you don't want to scare them off, especially if you're really attached to them.

Overall, just trying to learn how to start, how to be completely honest with the individual you feel deep for.

Thanks for the advice!
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Old 08-25-2012, 09:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hello and welcome. Keep reading around this forum a bit. Just about every three days a new thread is started by someone asking, "How do I tell a date/potential lover I am/want/live poly without scaring them off?" So, there are lots and lots and lots of good suggestions in numerous threads about it. I would suggest both the General Discussion forum and the Relationships corner. Do a Tag Search or Advanced Search for things like "dating" "poly and dating" "coming out" and so on.

One thing stood out to me about your question. You wrote: ". . . when do you tell someone you're potentially interested in about your choice in life? I know you don't want to scare them off, especially if you're really attached to them." Here's the thing. Don't get attached, as that only leads to unhealthy obsession. Strive for autonomy and don't hold on too tightly to any possibilities. Date just for the fun of meeting people, rather than auditioning them for the big role of your partner. Take a loose, easy approach, be honest from the start, respect boundaries, and you'll do fine.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 08-25-2012, 10:38 PM
LostandDelirious LostandDelirious is offline
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Thanks for the reply. I'll be sure to look around for more answers on my question.

And you're very right about the obsession concept, Although I think I miscommunicated what I was trying to express. Sometimes you end up really liking someone and wanting it to work. I know it's about enjoying yourself. I guess to set an example of what I mean is: you like someone you've been talking to for awhile, you ask them out, start off with hanging out a couple places, maybe some dinners then wanting to eventually pursue an active relationship with them because the feelings have gradually increased with the time spent together.

At that point, you would want to hope that they are approving of the lifestyle and become a couple.

That's what I was trying to get at. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
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Old 08-25-2012, 10:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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So what happened Thursday? :-)

I tell dates or potential dates up front. Saves time and attachment for both. But others pursue different strategies. If you noodle around on the site, you will find how to handle that situation comes up frequently.
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Old 08-25-2012, 11:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I tell everyone upfront. Dates and even "potential friends". Because, this is the reality of my life and I don't want to bother becoming attached to people who can't accept me for who I am (been there, done that and it's not worth the time or headache that accompanies it).
So, I am very upfront and honest from the get go-which ensures that I am surrounded by people who even if they aren't like-minded-are accepting of me and my lifestyle.

I really can't imagine the benefit of not saying something upfront-why bother dating someone who in the end-won't be accepting of who you are?
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Old 08-25-2012, 11:37 PM
LostandDelirious LostandDelirious is offline
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Well, not much happened on Thursday itself, although that was the hardest time. Basically, after spending so much time on my thoughts and realizing this life to me, I ended up having a hard heart to heart with my partner.

Explained to her that although I do love her, I also feel resentment because I'm not allowed to express my feelings towards anyone else. That, in a monogamous relationship, I feel restricted and confined and my heart knew that it wasn't a lifestyle I could ever be happy in.
Sadly, this ended things between us as she could never do poly, but we are still friends since the situation wasn't technically anyone's mistake.
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Old 08-25-2012, 11:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I really can't imagine the benefit of not saying something upfront-why bother dating someone who in the end-won't be accepting of who you are?
Ah, but this is what I was talking about when I said to date "for the fun of it." In other words, just go out with people to do fun things and get to know them. Don't have an ulterior motive, like turning this person into a girlfriend or boyfriend. Why bother dating, then? I just always thought that if you enjoy somebody's company, it would be nice to go out with them, so why not? If and when a mutual attraction develops and the conversation turns to relationships, then I will discuss my approach (non-exclusivity, poly, etc.). Sometimes that doesn't happen for a few dates, and sometimes it takes place in bed the next morning (oh my, yes!).

I guess I just feel like it is making an assumption that they want a relationship with you if you bring it up right away. It feels arrogant to me if I state it up front, as if I'm saying, "I know you want me, so here's the deal." But I might be weird in that I like going out on dates just for the date itself - an adventure and opportunity to learn about another human being.

If the person doesn't want to continue in a non-exclusive situation, I figure we had some fun, wish him well, and move on. There's plenty of fish out there.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-25-2012 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:03 AM
LostandDelirious LostandDelirious is offline
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Actually, in this situation, I agree with Cindie wholeheartedly. I don't necessarily need a girlfriend out of it, but a friend who I can express myself with emotionally would be nice in itself.
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Old 08-26-2012, 02:22 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I guess for me, it's not some big, heavy thing that is stuff I have to "disclose" - I would make it a very casual part of conversation, as part of the getting to know you process. I mean, you usually know whether someone is gay, straight or bi fairly early on, right? You know if they smoke or not, do recreational drugs or not, whether they have cats and dogs, what religion they are (if these things are important to you in a friend) - why does the fact that you are poly only have to be reserved to discuss with folks who show relationship potential?

The earlier it can be brought up in the "getting to know you" process, the sooner everyone can adjust their expectations about what this could be, whether it's a friendship or relationship.

It amazes me that folks put disclosing poly at about the same level as disclosing their HIV status - only to be done when a serious relationship is potential. What's wrong with talking about your relationships, or your intended relationship style, as part of normal conversation with friends?

By making a big deal out of, you make it a Big Deal.
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Old 08-26-2012, 08:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
It amazes me that folks put disclosing poly at about the same level as disclosing their HIV status - only to be done when a serious relationship is potential. What's wrong with talking about your relationships, or your intended relationship style, as part of normal conversation with friends?

By making a big deal out of, you make it a Big Deal.
Hey, I don't know if you were referring to me by this, but just in case, I want to clarify my approach.

It isn't that I make my non-exclusivity a big deal at all, but I let the dynamic that happens when I'm with someone determine when it gets discussed. So, it could very well be that I talk about it on a first date -- that has happened and I won't shy away from that possibility -- but it could also be the sixth date or whatever. It just depends. There are so many things to talk about in order to get to know someone on a date, and some dates don't last for hours and hours, so the talk doesn't always get around to "relationship status" right away for me. If I'm curious, I'll ask, and if he's curious, I hope he would, but we might be wrapped up in talking about something else, who knows! But as I said earlier, I date for fun, to enjoy the actual interaction and activity on a date, not just to audition men for the role of boyfriend.

One lover of mine was similar in his approach. When he told me that he had met someone, got together with her twice, and made out a little, I asked him if he told her about me, and he said, "Oh, geez, no! We probably won't talk about things like that til the fifth or sixth date, or something - I don't know!" If the conversation goes that way, it gets addressed. But I think he and I both see the process of getting to know someone as taking time to be in their presence, little by little. We didn't talk about what we were looking for in relationships until after about the third time we'd slept together (which was our third date).
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 07:40 AM.
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