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  #21  
Old 08-27-2012, 01:02 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by OmahaPoly View Post


Hey man, I get it but do you understand that this is EXACTLY why I am posting on here rather than going elsewhere? The threat of having our children taken and our family destroyed is terrifying.

I don't think you are an "idiot". You communicate very well and you even use proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

I don't know you, but from your posts alone I can promise that your wife is more of a threat to your children and likely to destroy your family the way it is now than Protective Services ever could be, non-monogamy or monogamy.

The internet is not a substitute for intervention, and going by YOUR OWN WORDS, not anyone else's, what you require is an intervention.

You had to physically restrain your wife from trying to shoot you! Cripes. What if you were the woman and she were the man? You'd probably all be dead because most women usually don't have the strength to physically restrain most men.

Having said all that - it's your life. Do what you want. I feel sad for your kids. They are depending on you to protect them. You are their only hope.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 08-27-2012 at 01:07 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-27-2012, 01:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yikes -- attacking you physically is SERIOUS.

Since you are military, can you report this? To your superior, your counselor? I'm not in tune with that sort of thing but I know there's procedure and a chain of command to follow. Involuntary check up -- whether military or civilian.... there are rules for this. Please keep a LOG of this kind of behavior so you can turn it in or use it in your application with a judge. I had to do it to get my parent aid in hospital.

I know you don't want to split up the family, but what if the kid's go somewhere safe (grandma?) and wife goes to hospital (or wherever to heal) and you guys get the help you need and counseling so you can be together in a healthy way -- then isn't a temporary split WORTH it?

Please reach out to professional. This is way more than not knowing how to share feedback in a way with each other in a meaningful way that isn't being received all defensive and huffypants.

This is way bigger. I am sorry you are going through this. And it is dangerous with your line of work and having a weapons locker -- safety for all has to come first! Please talk to someone in real life over there who could aid you.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-27-2012 at 01:48 AM.
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  #23  
Old 08-27-2012, 01:07 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by OmahaPoly View Post
I find myself very unwilling to cut and run on her because in my experience you can learn to level out and make life work and she was a part of that.
You sound very dedicated to her. I hope that dedication comes with enough wisdom to steer the ship in a good direction. That means if your dedication comes entirely from a feeling of owing her for how she helped you, instead of a feeling of love for her, I hope you understand all debts are eventually paid. They do not last forever. What happens to your interest in this relationship with her if a day comes when you feel your debt to her is paid?



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Originally Posted by OmahaPoly View Post
I have a history of psych issues, she is a violent PTSD vet, and I am poly?
Your concern about being poly is the very least of your issues. If your only problem was your relationship with a partner who didn't talk to you and did whatever she wanted regardless of how you felt about it, the solution is easy for anyone with self esteem - leave.

You have bigger issues than that. Addressing those bigger issues, the way you want to, makes leaving her not a viable option. It sounds like you are focusing most of your attention on those bigger issues. That is appropriate, because it sounds like you want this marriage to work. The rest of the solutions you need will come from making intelligent decisions that follow your priority of making the marriage work.


Your jealousy is something you'll have to look at within yourself privately, because she does not sound interested in helping you work through it. That sounds like it is ok with you, because getting that help from her ranks much lower in priority than making your marriage work.


The relationship you two seem to have is you state your needs, she complains that you are criticizing her, you relent and accept what she wants in return for her behaving in a more peaceful and acceptable way. This is a very one sided relationship, but this is the relationship you are choosing by choosing to stay with her.

If one day you decide you want a different type of relationship, with or without her, you will have to change a lot of things you are not willing to change right now.

Keep in mind your kids are watching everything you do - and learning from it. Are they learning responsible, wise behavior?

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-27-2012 at 01:12 AM.
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  #24  
Old 08-27-2012, 01:14 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The OP's wife is a danger to herself and to others. OP could get one of those court-ordered psych-hospital commitments on her, or the military equivalent thereof.

It's friggin' scary that there are people like this running around loose in the world with a locker-full of weapons at their disposal. A family like this could move in next door to me, and I go over to ask them to please keep the music down after 10 pm and get my head blown off.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 08-27-2012 at 01:17 AM.
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  #25  
Old 08-27-2012, 02:17 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
A family like this could move in next door to me, and I go over to ask them to please keep the music down after 10 pm and get my head blown off.
Very true. Smoking is done deliberately. It will do the trick too. Or an open palm strike to the underside of the nose with precision guided force gained from practice on padded gym equipment. Never actually did it before on someone, but I know what force is required if I have to. Don't need to carry or store anything for that. Or the car that runs the red light as you drive through the green light.



Think a Glock 9mm will legally protect you as long as you have a conceal carry permit? You better know some good hands on self defense to prevent someone from taking it from you after they knock you down. If you draw it on an unarmed person who is trying to knock you down, you put yourself in legal jeopardy - but that same unarmed person can take it from you and use it on you. Lesson here? Hand to hand skills first.


But, I digress ...


Or the car that bounces of multiple cement barriers on the highway (one side, then the other, then the other, you get the idea) without flipping over, and still manages to take the exit cleanly and stop at the traffic light at the end of the exit ramp. Unique talent there. Must be all in a nights work. Glad I was behind him and out of the way.


Or the car on the interstate that was in my lane way ahead of me moving TOWARD me. I noticed him when he was about a mile away, at night. I took the nearest exit and stayed at the end of that ramp until he drove by in the lane I was in, going in the opposite direction I was going. No other cars were around except him and I. He kept going without incident. I still shake my head with a laugh at that one. I stayed at the end of that ramp because I HAD TO KNOW if I really saw what I thought I saw. I did.


Yes, life is full of opportunities. I have learned you never know who is going to show up here, or what kind of help they need. I think you reached him. Someone always seems to be here to listen. That's a good thing.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-27-2012 at 03:01 AM.
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  #26  
Old 08-27-2012, 11:21 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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1. Your wife changed into a different person after the accident? This means that the woman she used to be sabotaged only one of your relationships (the first one) but sounds like she was fine about your second relationship. You say your second relationship imploded as a result of her accident; this is hardly your wife sabotaging anything on purpose as she was probably too unwell at this point. The third relationship didn't work out because of the aggression and anger issues she is now displaying, but this is the person your wife has become. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour but I think we all need to consider your resentment towards her in the light of the life-changing event you neglected to mention in your first few posts.

2. Your current jealousy... hmm. Perhaps something to do with you nursing her and putting up with her behaviour and giving up on your own happiness/other relationships to placate her, then she goes off and pursues her own pleasure without regard to your needs? This isn't the usual poly situaiton. Illness and other major events bring up a whole different set of issues and it might be that you had to take on too much and you're overwhelmed and it's coming out in this way because it has to come out; her new relationship gives you an outlet and focus.

3. Did you grieve for the wife you lost? I don't mean to be harsh, but she might never go back to who she used to be. You know this already. Did you mourn? Are you angry at this new woman for "replacing" her? How do you express intimacy with this new-ish partner? Do you have sex? Cuddle? Do things together?

4. She has to at the very least agree to attend anger management sessions. This isn't a sustainable situation regardless of how much you're willing to sacrifice.

Finally, if I were you I'd be tempted to let her pursue her relationship/be selfish etc. at this stage in her healing and try to keep myself busy doing other things as much as possible to work around the jealousy, then revisit with her in a few months. If having the freedom and support doesn't help her become more open and able to consider your needs, this might be a lost cause.
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  #27  
Old 08-27-2012, 07:55 PM
OmahaPoly OmahaPoly is offline
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Thank you all for your help, and encouragement, and even your wake-up calls.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
1. Your wife changed into a different person after the accident? This means that the woman she used to be sabotaged only one of your relationships (the first one) but sounds like she was fine about your second relationship. You say your second relationship imploded as a result of her accident; this is hardly your wife sabotaging anything on purpose as she was probably too unwell at this point. The third relationship didn't work out because of the aggression and anger issues she is now displaying, but this is the person your wife has become. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour but I think we all need to consider your resentment towards her in the light of the life-changing event you neglected to mention in your first few posts.

2. Your current jealousy... hmm. Perhaps something to do with you nursing her and putting up with her behaviour and giving up on your own happiness/other relationships to placate her, then she goes off and pursues her own pleasure without regard to your needs? This isn't the usual poly situaiton. Illness and other major events bring up a whole different set of issues and it might be that you had to take on too much and you're overwhelmed and it's coming out in this way because it has to come out; her new relationship gives you an outlet and focus.

3. Did you grieve for the wife you lost? I don't mean to be harsh, but she might never go back to who she used to be. You know this already. Did you mourn? Are you angry at this new woman for "replacing" her? How do you express intimacy with this new-ish partner? Do you have sex? Cuddle? Do things together?

4. She has to at the very least agree to attend anger management sessions. This isn't a sustainable situation regardless of how much you're willing to sacrifice.

Finally, if I were you I'd be tempted to let her pursue her relationship/be selfish etc. at this stage in her healing and try to keep myself busy doing other things as much as possible to work around the jealousy, then revisit with her in a few months. If having the freedom and support doesn't help her become more open and able to consider your needs, this might be a lost cause.
Yes. I see your point, and reading your post
#1 I realize after reading your post and being honest with myself she didn't really "sabotage" my first relationship in the sense she tried to destroy it. She did try to work through, though not effectively. She was new to poly (though she had never been exactly mono, she had never been in a consciously poly relationship). Her jealousy might not have been handled well, but we were both much younger and less mature than we are now, emotionally and otherwise. Which leads directly to
#2 Yes. I think this is the truth. She didn't break up with my most recent GF, I did. She didn't ask me to, I decided that I didn't want another person to be pulled in, for their sake. But I resent that I am lonely, unfulfilled, and it is directly related to my wife's care and issues. Having her pursue another relationship while I am unhappy both with her and my relationship and feeling "cut off" from my need to be with others makes me resent her and feel that "double standard" I was talking about. I deeply resent giving up something so important to who I am in order to care for her, and having her refuse to do the same.
#3 When I read this I felt a pang so deep it literally made me tear up. No, I haven't. I keep seeing her in little glimpses, flashes of who she used to be. Enough to make me hope that this is "fixable", that she will come back like she was before she left. But seeing you put this so bluntly, I realize my wife didn't come home. Hurts badly to say that, I have done my best these last years to have hope, to believe differently, it is hard to accept what I have come to realize. The woman I married won't come home.
#4 I spoke to my counselor today. I spoke to a lawyer last week. I have made an appointment for a couples counselor who specializes in violence and PTSD, for both of us for this Wednesday. My conditions are a temporary separation (4 weeks) while she undergoes individual therapy, and a report from the therapist about her violence. Our reunion will be contingent on that report, and her agreeing to resume her treatment permanently.

Thank you all for your compassion. As I have learned over the years, jealousy is never what it seems to be. I would never have realized how deeply I grieve for her, and that the road we have been on together is coming to an end if I hadn't opened myself up. Maybe we will find a new one, but my wife is gone and our marriage with it. Whatever I find now with her, if I find anything, will be a new beginning.

I will keep checking in here over the next few months.

- Aaron

Last edited by OmahaPoly; 08-27-2012 at 07:57 PM.
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  #28  
Old 08-27-2012, 08:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Sounds like a very very good plan. I wish you and her the best of luck.


I look forward to hearing good news in updates.

Take care of yourself and your kids. D.
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  #29  
Old 08-27-2012, 10:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Please try to remember, while you struggle through this difficult period-that the worst part of the marathon is the last 10 miles.
What I mean by that is, it's hard when you are finally putting the final work in place, to keep in sight, the end goal, because you are already worn from the work you've put in thus far.

DEFINITELY allow yourself time to grieve. It's critical for your own well-being. Be open to hoping for a good future-without naming exactly what that will look like. Because, it may be something you never have imagined.

And like DH said-I look forward to your updates.

LR
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  #30  
Old 08-27-2012, 11:42 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OmahaPoly View Post
Thank you all for your help, and encouragement, and even your wake-up calls.



Yes. I see your point, and reading your post
#1 I realize after reading your post and being honest with myself she didn't really "sabotage" my first relationship in the sense she tried to destroy it. She did try to work through, though not effectively. She was new to poly (though she had never been exactly mono, she had never been in a consciously poly relationship). Her jealousy might not have been handled well, but we were both much younger and less mature than we are now, emotionally and otherwise. Which leads directly to
#2 Yes. I think this is the truth. She didn't break up with my most recent GF, I did. She didn't ask me to, I decided that I didn't want another person to be pulled in, for their sake. But I resent that I am lonely, unfulfilled, and it is directly related to my wife's care and issues. Having her pursue another relationship while I am unhappy both with her and my relationship and feeling "cut off" from my need to be with others makes me resent her and feel that "double standard" I was talking about. I deeply resent giving up something so important to who I am in order to care for her, and having her refuse to do the same.
#3 When I read this I felt a pang so deep it literally made me tear up. No, I haven't. I keep seeing her in little glimpses, flashes of who she used to be. Enough to make me hope that this is "fixable", that she will come back like she was before she left. But seeing you put this so bluntly, I realize my wife didn't come home. Hurts badly to say that, I have done my best these last years to have hope, to believe differently, it is hard to accept what I have come to realize. The woman I married won't come home.
#4 I spoke to my counselor today. I spoke to a lawyer last week. I have made an appointment for a couples counselor who specializes in violence and PTSD, for both of us for this Wednesday. My conditions are a temporary separation (4 weeks) while she undergoes individual therapy, and a report from the therapist about her violence. Our reunion will be contingent on that report, and her agreeing to resume her treatment permanently.

Thank you all for your compassion. As I have learned over the years, jealousy is never what it seems to be. I would never have realized how deeply I grieve for her, and that the road we have been on together is coming to an end if I hadn't opened myself up. Maybe we will find a new one, but my wife is gone and our marriage with it. Whatever I find now with her, if I find anything, will be a new beginning.

I will keep checking in here over the next few months.

- Aaron
Aaron -

I just want to say that, while I haven't contributed to this thread, I have been following along. I just didn't have anything to add that someone else hadn't already said. But I am blown away by the insight you reveal in this post.

Not all of the advise given in these forums is received in such a graceful and powerful way. You have read and listened to what the folks here (well-meaning strangers on the internet, after all) have gleaned about your situation and taken the bits and pieces that truly apply and really given them due consideration.

I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope that you come to a place where you have happiness, fulfillment, contentment. You have taken steps to set yourself on the journey to get there - I wish you well.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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