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Old 08-09-2014, 12:02 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 52
Default When You're Still in Love With Your Ex

I had a date with a new girl last night. We've been chatting all week on OKC and it seemed we'd really hit up a connection. Mostly we were just chatting about music but our profiles both had a very high match percentage and we both put our trust in that a bit.

So went for a drink yesterday and were really enjoying chatting but it was getting louder in the pub so we wandered round to the park instead. Chatting was great and we just kept talking for ages. Then we had our first kiss. No fireworks, no wow factor - just for me a bit of confusion. However she seemed to come away smiling and started to tell me how horny she was.

At this point I'm thinking maybe there's just too much pressure for a first kiss right now? Maybe she's just nervous? Maybe it's because it's in a public park (albeit nobody around)... We were a very high match on OKCs sex questions and had loads of overlapping fetishes on FL, so maybe the sex would be better? It wasn't.

I found myself spending most of the night just thinking of how much I missed S though. My date wanted to be very cuddly and close and I just wasn't feeling it. I just missed my ex.

I've realised though I missed the girl I fell for. The girl I fell for and the girl I ended up in a relationship with were 2 very different people though.

The girl I fell for was this wonderful girl who believed in the freedom and beauty of love. We could laugh and joke together, we could share things together, she would listen to me, it was special.

The girl I ended up with was very insecure, blamed me for being the source of her insecurity and expected me to fix it without making much effort to try to fix it herself. As a result she could not handle me dating others, made unrealistic demands, made very controlling decisions about my life and enforced them in manipulative forceful ways. This is not why I got into polyamory and I don't miss this girl any longer. For ages I held on to this dream about how great she could be if she was just the more confident/secure version of herself more often, but I've given up holding out for that.

I saw a post about treating yourself as your primary partner. During our relationship I treated S as my primary and put her needs first a lot. I turned down dates I would have wanted to go on and I chose her ahead of my own needs. Now I'm in a situation where I have that freedom, I can indulge myself, I can address my primary need to date others... but I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing.

It's all the more hard since following our breakup S has done a lot of looking inward and a lot of self improvement. She's a stronger person now than she was when we were together, again something she blames me for. It makes it harder because I look at her now and she's much closer to the person I fell for. She's learnt. Even if she finds it hard to actually come to me and apologise for stuff that went on I do know she has learnt.

As for last nights date, I'm not used to being in this position. I'm not used to sex being like it was last night and totally out of my depth with how to deal with it with this girl. She was lovely and I'd really like to stay friends with her, but how do I not come out of this situation looking like a dick???

I realise posting on a public forum could seem like a dick move but frankly she doesn't frequent this site and it's well away from Fetlife and OKC. Plus it has to be better than talking it over with mutual friends. Right?
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Old 08-09-2014, 03:38 PM
MusicalRose's Avatar
MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 281

Have you considered just telling her you've got a lot on your mind right now and that while you enjoyed your time with her, that you'd like to slow things down for a while because it just didn't feel 100% comfortable moving as fast as you did?

I don't think that would make you look like a dick. What is it that you are worried about?
Me: Female, pan/bi-sexual, polyamorous
R: Male, husband, heteroflexible, polyamorous, together since Oct 2008, married since Jun 2014
J: Male, eschews labels, heterosexual, various involvements, involved-ish since Feb 2014
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Old 08-09-2014, 04:26 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 684

I would be even more honest than that, and tell her that you thought you were ready to date, but that you aren't over your ex.

It takes time LondonGuy. I was the third with a couple. They thought they had the usual run of the mill issues, nothing serious, had been together 13 years. When I joined them it quickly revealed how big those issues really were. She was emotionally abusive. My calm, rational personality as a counterpoint clearly demonstrated just how badly the wife treated the husband.

Nonetheless, I had loved her, and deeply loved him. Leaving their house was the toughest thing I ever did, but like you, I had fallen in love with the illusion of who I thought she was and the life we would have together. (The husband - The Philosopher in my tag line - was a stand up guy and the relationship between he and I endured -but is not the same.)

A year after I moved out, they separated and eventually divorced. One might think the Philosopher and I would pick up where we left off, given how good our relationship was. That has not been the case. Why? He is still processing his loss. He isn't ready to share his heart and soul. There are lots of emotions he doesn't seem to be able to feel yet.

So it doesn't surprise me that you may not be ready to find a new girl no matter how much you wish you were.
Me: 50, female
The Philosopher: semi-LDR, 44, male - my best friend, intellectual twin, and lover when time permits.

Both poly-experienced, but not looking.

Last edited by bookbug; 08-09-2014 at 05:14 PM. Reason: Clarity
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Old 08-09-2014, 04:32 PM
TangleDiamond2 TangleDiamond2 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 12

I think musicalrose I has a good point. Just say that you weren't comfortable with the speed things went and that you thought you were ok with it but realized you weren't. It's hard to tell people that you didn't feel a connection, especially if they did.
As far as the primary/secondary stuff. I am kind of realizing that being your own primary has it's benefits. The couple I am dating has primary/secondary structure (as do I in my marriage). And there are similar needy issues going son with the couple I am dating. It is putting restrictions on my relationships.
I've come to realize just how poly I am, and that I don't want anyone restricting who I can or cannot love.
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Old 08-09-2014, 07:38 PM
icesong icesong is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 70

I kind of know exactly what you mean. I agree with the "just be honest" approach; I've told everyone I'm seeing right now that I'm still pretty bruised and vulnerable about the end of the thing with HipsterBoy and so things with them were going to be ... Slower than they might be and I may be a bit guarded. They've all been really understanding, and, well, having new and interesting people in my life has helped, a bit. If she cares about you as a person and not just an uncomplicated lay she'll understand.
me: 33/bi/poly, married to TheKnight: husband / poly / together 16+ years

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine and KinkyChemist. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist - see my blog for details
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Old 08-09-2014, 11:29 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 346

Hi LG,

I don't think it's a dick move that you came here for advice.

I really feel for you. It sounds like you aren't ready to sleep with people / date just yet. It sounds like you need longer to heal, and that you would be better off taking it slower.

As others have said, it takes time. I broke up with my former partner last summer and am only now mostly-healed. Even after 12+ months, there are still lingering thoughts and issues. What you are feeling is entirely normal and understandable.

In terms of S, never say never. However, I believe that some people are in our lives for a period of time so that we may each learn from the other. Try to move on... do everything that you can to do so... as cliched as it sounds, I really believe that if it is meant to be, it will one day be.

It could be that if you do want to date, you might want to get to know the women a little longer before becoming sexually intimate with them. You could be very upfront before the sex stage and say that you are still vulnerable from a breakup and that you need to take things slowly.

In terms of this girl you have just slept with, I would sincerely tell her that you thought you were ready to date, but that you aren't - as someone else has said. You can approach it considerately ("[affectionate name], do you mind if we talk?"), and you can deliver it sensitively ("In any other circumstance, I really think that you might be the kind of woman I'd go for. However, I have realised that I am not quite over my breakup. I feel too vulnerable right now to get involved, and I had absolutely no idea I would feel this way until after we were intimate. I assure you that it is not anything to do with you - you were [playful, awesome, super hot, amazing, etc.], and as cliched as this sounds, it really is my own damn head that is the problem. I truly am sorry.") Or something to that effect.

I hope that you will be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

Me: (29f) open poly
In a long-distance relationship with GF (39f)
Dating Descartes in my home country (27f)

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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Old 08-10-2014, 05:39 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 27

Even though you say you miss S, you seem very angry at her for your relationship breaking down. Does she agree with you about what caused your relationship to fail?

I think your expectations on this new date were too high. First time sex is awful sometimes, regardless of compatibility, and it takes a while for you to find each other's rhythm. You're not meant to be absolutely in love with someone on your first date, it's perfectly normal for feelings to grow into friendship and progress from there.
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Old 08-10-2014, 03:22 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 52

I told her that I wasn't ready to date and it took me going on a date for me to realise that. She seemed a bit upset and seemed to take it as though it was just that I didn't fancy her. I haven't yet told S about it at all, I kinda want to but don't know how to word it.

Max - S is angry at me for seeing someone behind her back. I'm frustratef at S for placing rules on me that made it impossible for me to see anyone else; namely she wasn't happy with me dating within the kink/poly scene because of the pressure it placed on her with me dating within her social circle, then when I tried dating online she wanted to know what my intentions were BEFORE I met the other person. I clearly told her that I didn't know and wouldn't know until I had met them, but then she just said if I didn't know then why was I bothering...

In the end I decided that the only way to answer HER questions was to meet up with the girl for a drink. I set myself a boundary of only aiming to seek to answer her question and not take it any further. I wouldn't even kiss without speaking to her first. I confided all this in another poly friend who then told S 2 months later. S has issues with insecurity that made life hard, I'm frustrated by the fact that S still seems to blame me for our relationship breakdown but most of all my hatred is channeled towards that former friend. Especially as she is such a hypocrite about exactly the same thing!!
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

Dragon_hide on Fetlife
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