Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 05-24-2010, 09:52 AM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

This seems like the best thread to continue from....

It's 2am and I can't sleep. There's so much on my mind. I have a coffee date with 'D' tomorrow morning and it's going to be so painful to get up

I've been mulling this over and over and over in my head for weeks now. Where am I going to live?!?

This may not seem like a poly-related dilemma, but to me it feels very relevant because the dichotomy between my body's needs and my heart's needs is so big.

I spent quiet, alone time with Nerdist last night (finally). Because of circumstances, much of the time we've spent together has felt like a whirlwind. He's more introverted than me and in social situations I can get pretty chatty. That and I've had so much going on for me that I feel like I've been monopolizing our conversations. (He doesn't seem to think so, but I've felt bad). So I really appreciated having an opportunity to just listen to him talk about himself, without distraction. I like him so much.

We walked around an area of town that I love! I actually looked at two places for rent today. Logically, it seems ludicrous for me to even consider ever moving to the city (again), especially that close to downtown traffic. But, my heart keeps pulling me here. (The backstory: I have chemical sensitivities and have spent 6-7 years living in remote areas, being very strict about my environment so I can be healthy. I lived in a suburb of this city for 6 months and had a difficult time.

I visited an absolutely gorgeous house in a quiet area with quiet streets. It was recessed from the road with lots of green space and a beautiful garden in the back. Unfortunately, the room was very small and I don't think it would work for me. I also panicked when I had a look at the shared laundry room and saw chemical detergents and bleach.

Some moments I feel great about moving back here. Thinking about meeting with musicians and starting to record/perform my music when my album's written. Being close to the poly community here and the friends I've made. Being able to pursue a wonderful relationship with Nerdist. Other moments, I panic! I feel swallowed up and overwhelmed here. I am already feeling a bit under the weather from the city I've taken in and I'm feeling very scared.

So, I'm back to square one. I keep comparing everything to where I lived two years ago. I lived in a small city for two years that worked very well for me. It was perfect in many ways: everything was within walking distance and had very little traffic because of the size and the way it was layed out. I had access to everything I needed without making myself sick.

Buuuuut.... it is so far away! I would have a very hard time moving away and would feel so sad. I moved away from there (to come here) in the first place because I hadn't formed a solid group of people I completely fit in with and felt lonely. There isn't much of a poly group there that I know of and the poly people I do know there, I didn't really jive with. I also wanted to be closer to a bigger music scene.

I've seen people mention on here that this is a struggle for them where they live and I really wonder what that's like. What do you do when you live somewhere where there isn't much of a poly community? Family is so important and if you're not around the kinds of people you can make a family with, do you just end up with unmet needs?!

I have what feels like a huge decision to make.

On the one hand - live in a place where my health and lifestyle thrive. But, it means moving away again. It means accepting less, in some ways. It means not experiencing what could develop with Nerdist. It means accepting that I won't have a poly community to meet with regularly, which means never quite fitting in, possibly being lonely.

On the other hand - live in a place where I feel loved and accepted. But, where my health does not thrive.
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.

Last edited by rolypoly; 05-24-2010 at 02:53 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-24-2010, 10:04 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Oh roly I feel for you. I hear you when you say you are scared and want you to know that, for what its worth, both Nerdist and I are here for you in any way we can be. He totally loves listening to you talk and hearing what you are going through. He appreciates vulnerability and will understand these things. I know, he's my husband. I have lived it.

Take care of yourself and put your dream out there. Its obtainable, illusive at this point, but is obtainable. I fully believe that.

Its late for me too.

Night night
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-24-2010, 10:45 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I know very little of your story, but I do know about chemical sensitivity because I have it. Mine's not as severe as it used to be (thankfully!) but it was definitely a contributing factor when I moved from Winnipeg to Saskatoon. Winnipeg isn't nearly as big as Vancouver, but it was too much for me -- the smell of the cars and perfumes, everyone right on top of each other. Yuck.

Of course, only you can make such a huge decision, but if your sensitivity is severe, it seems like the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there. Daily headaches, nausea... not something I would want to endure, no matter how great the love!
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-24-2010, 07:54 PM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Oh roly I feel for you. I hear you when you say you are scared and want you to know that, for what its worth, both Nerdist and I are here for you in any way we can be. He totally loves listening to you talk and hearing what you are going through. He appreciates vulnerability and will understand these things. I know, he's my husband. I have lived it.

Take care of yourself and put your dream out there. Its obtainable, illusive at this point, but is obtainable. I fully believe that.
Thanks RP. Your support means a whole lot to me. I totally don't get how Nerdist could possibly be entertained by me fretting and processing everything, but I really love how much he appreciates vulnerability. I wish I could rewind to a time and place when I was solid in myself, sure of my path, grounded, happy, in a routine and say, "See! I'm not always like this".

I'm sure we've all faced times in our lives when everything seems unsure and the people around us need to go through the process along side us. I guess eventually it all settles in one direction or another and everything works out...

You're right. Anything and everything is obtainable. And yes, it seems so elusive and impossible to imagine right now. Everything feels so overwhelming. I just need to spend the day crying and processing...

Quote:
I know very little of your story, but I do know about chemical sensitivity because I have it. Mine's not as severe as it used to be (thankfully!) but it was definitely a contributing factor when I moved from Winnipeg to Saskatoon. Winnipeg isn't nearly as big as Vancouver, but it was too much for me -- the smell of the cars and perfumes, everyone right on top of each other. Yuck.

Of course, only you can make such a huge decision, but if your sensitivity is severe, it seems like the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there. Daily headaches, nausea... not something I would want to endure, no matter how great the love!
Thanks SC. I completely understand the need to move from Winnipeg. I wouldn't hack it there. Does Saskatoon work well for you?

Mine is not as severe as it used to be either. But, it takes maintenance to keep it where it's at now (and to improve it). I'm used to having headaches most days and ignore them. I'm used to feeling easily tired. The symptoms that scare me are when I start having trouble focussing and remembering things. And when my muscles start to weaken (they used to get paralyzed). So, yes a big part of me - the part that has fought for 7 years to stay alive and healthy - is saying the same thing, "the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there, no matter how great the love".

I had a conversation with 'D' this morning. Her girlfriend lives in the US. They've had a long-distance relationship for the better part of 3 years. 'D' said this morning that as a couple, they've decided by August this year to make a decision one way or the other. Either her girlfriend immigrates to Canada and they plan to get married. Or, they break up and move on with their lives.

The way 'D' talked about it seemed so easy. I expressed that I didn't understand how moving on seemed like such an easy option. I really value the close connections I have. Being understood and cared for/caring for someone is something, when it is in my life, that I cherish dearly. It seems like such a difficult thing to achieve and sustain with people. How can letting that go be so easy?! How can things possibly boil down to either/or?
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-25-2010, 04:59 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
Thanks SC. I completely understand the need to move from Winnipeg. I wouldn't hack it there. Does Saskatoon work well for you?
Saskatoon works GREAT for me. It's wide-open with nothing but flatness on all sides, so the wind blows right through and takes away most fumes. I go to USask, and there are increasingly more areas that are designated "scents-free" which makes a big difference. I've considered approaching the administration to make the entire campus be scents-free, referring to perfumes, colognes, after-shave, and body spray.

My symptoms tend to be light-headedness and difficulty focusing, sometimes dizzy enough that I need to sit down. That's worse with strong cleaning chemicals. Fragrances tend to just give me headaches and light-headedness.

Quote:
I had a conversation with 'D' this morning. Her girlfriend lives in the US. They've had a long-distance relationship for the better part of 3 years. 'D' said this morning that as a couple, they've decided by August this year to make a decision one way or the other. Either her girlfriend immigrates to Canada and they plan to get married. Or, they break up and move on with their lives.

The way 'D' talked about it seemed so easy. I expressed that I didn't understand how moving on seemed like such an easy option. I really value the close connections I have. Being understood and cared for/caring for someone is something, when it is in my life, that I cherish dearly. It seems like such a difficult thing to achieve and sustain with people. How can letting that go be so easy?! How can things possibly boil down to either/or?
I've never had a long-distance relationship, I don't think I could do it. I mean, I guess with my husband working out of town 22 days a month, it's somewhat LD, but every second weekend is quite a bit more frequent than most LD relationships seem to manage, plus we get those entire weekends together, not just one day. And for some reason, since "my home is his home" it also doesn't feel like LD, just that he's out of town a lot. I have a friend at school whose husband lives in Toronto, and they only see each other at Christmas, spring break, and a week in the summer. I couldn't do that, at least not as a primary relationship.

I also find that I only really build connections with people in person. I can chat with someone for weeks, think we're really hitting it off, and then in one coffee date realize that there's absolutely no chemistry. So when dating online, I usually only "establish the basics" through chat and then push for an inperson meeting as soon as possible. I'm always taken aback when people are like "I'm not ready to meet in person yet, let's get to know each other by email first and see how it goes" whereas I feel it's impossible to get to know each other by email, because everything is edited and lacks body language and vocal expression. Want to know what someone is really like? Take away their Backspace

And don't even get me started on these crazy people who move clear across the country to move in with someone they've only ever chatted with online. Then they're crushed when things don't work out how they expected, whereas I was sitting around waiting to see how long until it blew up...

Sorry, I'm getting completely off-topic here. The point I'm trying to make is that I find it difficult to get "really close" to someone in a LDR and for me, that would make it much easier to "turn it off" than if I saw the person several times per week.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-25-2010, 08:43 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
On the one hand - live in a place where my health and lifestyle thrive. But, it means moving away again. It means accepting less, in some ways. It means not experiencing what could develop with Nerdist. It means accepting that I won't have a poly community to meet with regularly, which means never quite fitting in, possibly being lonely.
Thanks for sharing!! I can't relate to the health struggles personally, but I have a few friends who struggle with that type of sensitivity. It must be hard! I would like to share with you that maybe it isn't all or nothing/black or white. Let's just say that perhaps The Universe or The Creator (or whatever Higher Power you resonate with) is abundantly able to provide for us the things we need and desire. Then, even in the smallest town, there is very likely more people for you to love. I live in a town with no poly community and I've managed to fall in love with a variety of people! Also- taking care of self by living in a place where your health can flourish is an important step (just like putting on the oxygen mask first and then helping others who can't get theirs on) in the process of being available physically, mentally and emotionally to those you do fall in love with. Also- when you're poly, you don't have to give up long distance love relationships. You can keep them and even if you only get to spend one week per year together, it's still love and it's still life enhancing!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-25-2010, 11:20 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I'm sure we've all faced times in our lives when everything seems unsure and the people around us need to go through the process along side us. I guess eventually it all settles in one direction or another and everything works out...


That's been my experience
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-26-2010, 02:59 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
And don't even get me started on these crazy people who move clear across the country to move in with someone they've only ever chatted with online. Then they're crushed when things don't work out how they expected, whereas I was sitting around waiting to see how long until it blew up....
Hahahaha...... I soooo agree with you....but, the way I look at it is....it's good entertainment!!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-26-2010, 03:32 AM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat
I've never had a long-distance relationship, I don't think I could do it.
It's difficult. And it's a completely different kind of relationship than building a life together. I hear what you're saying about building connections in person. There are so many types of connection that don't happen with each other when it's long distance.


Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist
Let's just say that perhaps The Universe or The Creator (or whatever Higher Power you resonate with) is abundantly able to provide for us the things we need and desire.
I completely agree. It doesn't always look the way we think it will look. But, we always have what we need.

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist
I live in a town with no poly community and I've managed to fall in love with a variety of people!
That's wonderful! It sounds like they are all mono? How has that worked for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist
Also- taking care of self by living in a place where your health can flourish is an important step.
Sometimes, it's the most important step. There is no sense in being with someone you love if you are not thriving. It's not fair to either person and not fun. If you want to share yourself, wouldn't you want to be the best "you" you can be? *sigh* Doesn't make this easier.
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 05-27-2010, 06:23 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
That's wonderful! It sounds like they are all mono? How has that worked for you?
Well, John and I haven't spoken in about a month since he changed his mind about being open to poly. He initially thought he was okay with it, but fell prey to the conservative Southern traditional mono mindset. I expect he'll be back to give in another try eventually.

Richard has always been mono, but after about 2 months of having me paint a picture for him of what his life could be like, he has embraced the poly lifestyle and says he is happy with it. He has one other sexual partner besides me and also occassionally dates other women.

Steven lives 1,000 miles away and we don't have the opportunity to see each other very often, but I still count him since I am in love with him and he means a lot to me. He does not share with me about his love life and I'm okay with that.

Charles is in a primary relationship with Holland and I've been withdrawing from that connection with them because of the dysfunction. But she knew he wasn't mono when she met him.

I met Katherine about 1 1/2 years ago and she expressed some bi-curiosity. We are open to meeting a guy that we can potentially have a V or triad with. Finding a woman like Katherine is not going to happen every day.....we met at a party through mutual friends. On the other hand, it's fairly easy to find guys who are intereted.....there are at least 5 guys in our social circle who are opened to a relationship with me and Katherine (including Richard and Charles) but we are more focused on James and Brent right now for that since they are both more stable than Charles and more physically available than Richard. Of course, now that Katherine has taken a new job which takes her out of town for 5 weeks at a time, our relationship has slowed down too.

All of that to say that I am happy so far with my progress in this small town with no poly community- especially since I just "came out" as poly within the last 6 months. For me, the key is patience.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:03 PM.