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  #831  
Old 01-03-2013, 02:14 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Things are so crazy busy!

Karma is 'single' again. He has a new sub that I imagine will move into a relationship at some point. I'm not overly crazy about her, but I am beginning to resign myself to the fact that he is not attracted to the same types of people I would consider friend material.

We spent a good holiday back home. My niece and nephew are getting so big! My nephew is saying my name and is mobile! I just saw him at my graduation in May and he's already growing into such a little man. Karma got him a drum for Christmas and he played with it the whole day. Only letting go to eat a cookie. We took them for a night so my brother and sis in law could have some time alone. I love those kids but a sick baby and a full flight of stairs to his room was a great reminder as to why we don't want kids. It was great to see Karma spending time with them and building a relationship with them, but wow was that an exhausting night.

Our niece will be 4 in a few months and blows my mind with how smart she is. She was in her first play at church, she played a lamb. Once again amazed people with the fact that we went to church. I'll never get that. Just because it is not my religious path does not mean I will not be there to support those kids. She was so excited to see us and she kept her eyes on Uncle Karma the whole time. When they sang she would stop singing if she realized he wasn't singing along. It was adorable. Christmas morning she unwrapped the skate board we got her and in her pretty Christmas dress she put on her knee and elbow pads and rode all through the house on it.

Minus Karma getting bronchitis, it was a great trip. Oh and the drive home through the blizzard.

I found out I most likely have rheumatoid arthritis on top of the fibromyalgia. Dr wants some blood tests that the insurance isn't sure about covering, so for now I'm gritting my teeth and trying to get through it.

Still no dating on my end. Some interest, some that are interested, but I still feel like I don't have to time or energy to offer and I really only consider it when I'm missing time with Karma, and I don't feel that's fair to anyone.

On an interesting note, while I still have no desire to speak to him, Karma and J have made amends. Cricket played the same mind games with him as she did Karma and they were able to sit down and talk things out. No big surprise that the majority of their issues with each other stemmed from the mind games she was playing. I'm glad he's able to put things to rest and move on. J isn't one of my favorite people, but I'm glad Karma has found peace.

And that's about all the exciting news for now. We're working on getting finances straight and moving forward with our goals. 2012 was pretty successful so here's hoping 2013 follows the trend. Happy and Blessed new year to you all!
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  #832  
Old 03-30-2013, 05:38 PM
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Well it appears we're back. Still not sure how active I'll be. I want to give Karma's g/f a chance to explore and learn without intrusion, but wanted to check in.
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  #833  
Old 03-31-2013, 04:09 AM
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I just spent hours re-reading through everything. It seems like it's been longer than three years. It seems like forever ago that we were talking divorce and deciding to give it another chance. Yet here we are, three years later. Still learning, still growing and still very much in love.
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  #834  
Old 03-31-2013, 05:52 PM
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I spent several hours talking to Pixi on Friday night. It was really good to be able to enjoy talking to a metamour without pretenses and drama. I've only had that with one other. It really makes all the difference.

And yesterday after reading some of her posts, I noticed some inaccuracies in how she saw our history, and I sent her message clearing up that Cricket had never once been the reason for us to have issues in our marriage, that those issues were there long before her. And that she was his first 'out' relationship not his last. And that my issues with her (Pixi) in the beginning had nothing to do with past experiences and everything to do with a few things that had occurred that left me a bit uneasy. I sent the message to her mostly because I like to have the whole picture when I think of things and I like to know my picture is accurate so I can make accurate assessments, so I like to make sure others have that as well. It was great to have it received so positively. I was able to understand why she wasn't clear on things, and she was able to have a better understanding of how things have happened.

It's nice to see three years worth of gained knowledge being put into action. And to have someone who willingly and fully accepts it. I really enjoy the fact that we've let things grow organically, without forcing anything.

On my end of things, I've been talking with a couple of guys that may possibly lead to more. Now that I'm not juggling school and work and home, I'm a little more open to dating. Still don't having a driving need for it, but if something comes of it I'm not going to turn it away.
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  #835  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:33 PM
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Karma is off taking a drug test for a new job. I have my first disability appt on Friday and last night we had a great time with the three of hanging out. Karma and I made dinner, Pixi made dessert and we talked and watched a movie and talked some more.

I was very apprehensive about her at first, for a lot of reasons. But over the last few weeks we've both worked hard to get to know each other and openly communicate. I can say that last night was the most at ease I've been with a metamour, pretty much ever.

It's nice to cuddle with my husband with his g/f on the other side while watching a movie and ganging up on him, with no masks or pretenses. The only nervous energy in the room was his, which I find hilarious.
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  #836  
Old 04-02-2013, 10:02 PM
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Oh and once we get back on our feet with Karmas new job, we'll be double dating with my new interest. Kind of awesome.
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  #837  
Old 04-03-2013, 07:16 PM
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Talked with my new interest today. Not sure what nickname to give him yet. But I brought up the whole double date idea. I explained that it gives me the safety of a public place that I am comfortable in, my husband gets the chance to meet him and with Pixi there it evens things out so no one is feeling awkward. He's been in poly relationships before and identifies as poly-friendly, still kind feeling out his place in the world. So he was all for it. Loves the idea of it and is totally okay with meeting Karma.

I'm used to dating people that I have that instant attraction to. I haven't had that with him. He's great in all the right ways, we have a lot in common, but there's no instant attraction. Could be the whole internet thing getting in the way. So I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, at least I've dipped back into the dating world and made a new friend in the process.

But for now I'm off to get dolled up and start dinner. Today was my first official day as a housewife to my working husband and I'm so excited for him. Making pan crusted tilapia with basil cream sauce and sauteed mushrooms and asparagus.
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  #838  
Old 04-03-2013, 10:03 PM
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This dinner was divine. Anyone reading this should be insanely jealous of my amazing dinner.
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This is my family. It may be little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good.
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  #839  
Old 04-06-2013, 01:37 AM
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When we first started this crazy ride I asked Karma what he wanted. Why he wanted to keep fighting forward in this crazy new life we were building. He told me his dream was to come home after changing the world to his shaman and his fairy. Well, he's still changing the world, one person at a time. And it may not have been the same fae he was referencing at the time (life has a crazy way of doing that) but he did come home from work tonight to find dinner on the stove and his shaman and his fairy sitting in the living room giggling away.

Pixi took me to my first disability appointment this morning. It was a total waste of time, just re-answering the questions I already answered on the application. But afterwards we came back to our place and just hung out talking all day. Around 3 I realized he would be home from work in an hour and started dinner, the second shared dinner of the week.

We all hung out and Karma being our Dom has decided that every time we picked on him, it didn't matter which one of us started it, we were both earning 'punishment'. To which we both apologized to each other for the future 'trouble' we'd be in and continued to rag on him.

I can't even begin to remember all the subjects we covered in our talk, but I can remember that there was an ease to it that I haven't had since Panda. I've really missed that. I had reservations about Pixi. I may still have some. But I also have a new understanding of a lot of things and can fully respect the woman I am learning about. Nothing is forced, there's no facade, no mask, no forced politeness. We're just us being us. When someone can be real with me, I don't have to like everything about them or agree with every choice they've made, because I can respect the fact that they are being themselves and showing me a real person. That's really all I expect from people, there's just a lot of people who can't do that.

Last edited by Mohegan; 04-06-2013 at 04:18 AM.
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  #840  
Old 04-06-2013, 04:15 AM
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(more random thoughts that kicked in as the pain pills kicked in)

Our talks were very encouraging though. Her being real with me allowed me to open up a bit more. We at one point discussed comfort levels and I opened up to having issues with things that should be, in my head, done by me as his wife. Stupid shit really, but to me I should be the one making the socks for his tabi boots. I should be the one sewing his garb, taking care of him when he's ill, etc. I get that it doesn't really matter in the broad scheme of things, but it's something that has always bothered me. When he was sick one day I gave him some allergy meds before he went to see Cookie. He didn't take them and came home with EXACT same medication that Cookie made him take. It bothered me. To me it made me look like a bad wife for not forcing him to take them. When he asked Pixi to make his tabi socks he told me she had offered, she told me he asked, regardless, they take 30 seconds to make and I felt like my 'sewing magic' wasn't good enough and he had to find someone else.

As stupid as that may sound, I was able to express it it to Pixi and she immediately responded with "Yes! I told him that! I asked him "shouldn't you ask your wife to do that?"" And to be honest, knowing she felt that way makes it a lot easier for me to just shrug it off and say, well now I have someone to help with the sewing. I don't get jealous easily and I am a pretty confident person. But when I feel my ability to be his wife is in question, even if it's only in question in my own head, I get pissed. I could care less about being judged on any other platform, but being judged on my wifely abilities is a trigger. My own created trigger, but still a trigger. When we broke our marriage my part in it was not being a wife. I had become so secluded and depressed I failed at being a wife, and that caused him to look elsewhere. I know that in the last three years we have rebuilt something amazing, so much stronger than it ever was before, but when he looks to someone else to do something I could very easily do, I feel that I am somehow not living up to my wifely duties. I guess I have never forgiven myself for my part in our problems.

But this is the amazing thing about having a metamour that is real with me. I can be real with her and can sort things out and not fear the outcome. I can be honest and up front about an issue and we can reach a pretty quick resolution. I can feel safe to be open about my own insecurities and not fear that she will in some way turn it around to use against me or him. In looking back on experiences in life it is human nature to question why. Why we had to go through something, why certain relationships ended. At the moment, I'm pretty sure all that we've been through in our poly journey has brought us to this point. It prepared us for the honesty and openness required to make this work. We learned from mistakes and realized the traits in others to avoid. It made me a better wife, a stronger person and a more compersion filled metamour.

I'm not going to try to predict the future or claim to know why Pixi came into our lives. But I am confident that the last three years of our journey gave us the tools to be able to be right where we are now. So in some weird round about way, I am thankful for the drama and bullshit, for the fights, the deceptions and the learning experiences. Tonight when Karma came home to us giggling in the living room with dinner ready and waiting for him, things felt complete. And I once again was able to prove that I am true to my word. In the beginning of their dating I asked for time and patience. I needed to see what she was really about before I was comfortable letting her into my home and my life. I didn't know how long that would take or if I would ever reach that point, but I knew from the past that pushing the issue was not going to solve anything. I have learned my heart and learned that sometimes I just need a little time to see how things play out. Karma and I have finally built a trust that allowed him to give me that time and tonight I think he was happy to see the good it did. And I was happy to not only gain some more time getting to know her, but to prove to Karma once again that I really can be taken at my word.

Last edited by Mohegan; 04-06-2013 at 04:20 AM.
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cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

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