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  #791  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:34 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Communication is difficult because often he thinks he's told me things he hasn't, or he misunderstands something I've said, or he zones out while I'm talking and misses vital stuff. I'm learning that I need to figure out exactly what I need to tell him, say it very concisely and make sure he undertands what I meant. If I am not direct and am in any way vague, it always goes awry!
This!!! You said something similar in another post somewhere that my brain has forgotten and it sparked a good conversation for us. You gave me words I was looking for and couldn't find, thank you!


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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I know, too, that the more information i throw at him, the more overwhelmed he gets and nothing really sinks in. Long emails are hard for him to get through, and too much information just overloads him and any point I try to make gets lost. Nowadays I'm learning to work through the mess of stuff in my head first, and get it down to one or two sentences. This seems to be working a bit better.
Which I knew about Karma and somehow forgot. Not sure how. But I did. I lost all my normal thought processes and tatics when making plans or discussing something with him. Common sense should have told me that he was going to lose the details in the mass e-mail I sent him.

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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
The hardest part is that they don't really realize they're doing it-- they feel the same about you-- and they don't realize that they're not showing you at all. That's another thing that it's helpful for the person with ADD to realize that they do, so that when it happens you can let them know and they can adjust.
We discussed this in greater detail tonight. But I think now he gets how I feel. When he spends that much time in his head it's like time freezes for him. And I'm left out here in the real world going "Does he remember I exist?" And it's not just me. He forgets hes hungry, forgets that he remembered he was hungry and turned the stove on. Very one tack mind, that for him nothing in the outside world changes. It's like for him when hes there, no news is good news, so if we havent talked then all is well. But for me, no news means we have serious problems cuz not talking is how we got where we were 2 yrs ago and then my brain snowballs. So he thinks were still all happy and wonderful and I think he's going ask for divorce.

Thank you so much for putting my thoughts into words.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post

I don't know if you every do ask him to cancel, but if you find yourself saying "go ahead" when you want to say "wtf? NO don't go ahead" you should give into that. I imagine that if you had said NO, even if he explained his thought process before he went out so you changed No to Yes - you may have still been upset, but the intervening hours between him leaving and you having a chance to talk wouldn't have been so stressful for you.
Umm not sure. Because I told him to go ahead because the point was to go out and have a good time and if he's gonna have an attitude for canceling plans and I'm gonna feel bad cuz he had to cancel and that's not fair to Cookie and I just don't see a good time being had with all that going on. For me it was better to let him go and see her and deal with it when he came home.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Maybe it would be good if you did not always say No when he tries to cancel plans with you (without a upfront discussion with you and your OK of course). Now I know if you said "you can't go out, you made plans with me" he might be less than thrilled to sit at home with you when you are grumpy and pissy and don't want to do anything because he's forgotten AGAIN and you don't feel like having fun anymore dammit. (That's how I am at least). But if he understands that it's a natural reaction to being forgotten about, and you did have valid plans made first - to show he really cares, he'll suck it up and stay home, and maybe learn to not cancel plans anymore. I am guessing if he was willing to do this, you might be mad for an hour or so but maybe get over it and you can have the fun you planned on having in the first place?
Had he willingly said "I fucked up I'll call her and cancel" yeah I probably wouldnt have been as upset. But it was an overall miscommunication so we didnt really have plans as far as he saw it and I didnt think he had made concrete plans with cookie. So we were both right and we were both wrong. And this was the first time this has happened in a very long time. Which is why I questioned if I was over reacting to begin with. And in the end I decided I was reactng to triggers mixed with a lot of other stuff.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I also don't know if you guys keep a calendar,

Of course this is the real world, my husband can't remember to put anything on the schedule hardly ever, or waits til the last minute to write something down (i.e. he makes plans for 5 days from now, but since he doesn't have a place or exact time, doesn't write anything down until 10pm the night before when he learns the details instead of putting in a placeholder so I know he has plans period...good thing I have a good memory!)

For our solution to this, if he mentions plans, I put them on the calendar for him. Since I don't like finding out things last minute, this helps keep my stress level down, and as long as he HAS mentioned something vague, I don't hold him responsible if I didn't make sure to get it on the calendar.
We don't have one. We've discussed it but the scenario you brought up is exactly how it will happen. Minus the mentioning because half the time he doesnt remember to do that either. I learn about plans by asking if he has any, before making any of my own.

He does now want to try again with one on the door, so yay for maturing and trying new things as we progress through life. I am overly organised and can tell you my exact schedule for 6 months from now. So meshing the two thought processes has been interesting.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Thanks for letting me throw my two bits in (well, that's a lot of typing for two bits, but I couldn't help it).
Thanks for putting them out there. Thats why I posted it. I dont always agree with advice given but most of the time I at least get something to think about or discuss out of it. And see now we're gonna try a calander. I've only tried for 9 yrs to get that one going.
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  #792  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
When he spends that much time in his head it's like time freezes for him. And I'm left out here in the real world going "Does he remember I exist?" And it's not just me. He forgets hes hungry, forgets that he remembered he was hungry and turned the stove on.
Sometimes she has to draw me pictures before I get it.




In permanent marker.



On my face.
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  #793  
Old 08-15-2011, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
ABSOLUTE must for ADD folks.

Minxxa nailed it. My husband and I have these same issues. If what ever I need to say is more than 5 words, I have to really watch out for the "zone out" or the "Oooh, Shiny" factor. Communication is a habit we have to form and until then, we will need constant reminders.

Karma - Smack upside the head for not using your "out loud" voice

Mo - Shame on you for "assuming" (this one kicks my but every time)
You know what cracks me up? I hate assumptions and try really hard to not assume anything. I am so detail oriented that I make sure every plan is a concrete deal.

I have no idea what the hell posessed me last week. Maybe it was the major fibro flare I was in, maybe it was the miscommunication, maybe some alien came down and took over my brain for a few days. That is so not like me.

Which was why I posted the whole thing to begin with. We hadnt had an issue like that in so long I was half convinced I was over reacting or not seeing something.

And I think part of the issue was that I was not very clear on that when I posted it. Because I had sorted it all out in my head to have even realised it.

Normaly our dialogue is "I want to do this, do you want to do this, okay so we are doing this at this time on this day" and then I will remind him about 20 times throughout the week.

So it does boil down to a complete and utter failure to communicate on both our parts. And me reacting to triggers and past issues that I need to leave in the past.
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  #794  
Old 08-15-2011, 02:55 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Sometimes she has to draw me pictures before I get it.

In permanent marker.

On my face.
Hmmm... now that sounds like a good idea!

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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Minxxa, can we keep you? You've pretty much described exactly how my brain works since you started this whole trend of posting about ADD boys It's been incredibly helpful for me, reading your descriptions and thinking "Wait, I do that too!" and also in helping to verbalize how my brain works sometimes to Mo. The whole thing about information bombardment? Dead-on accurate. Same with the whole focus/obsession thing. When I'm doing something new - be it seeing a new person (even new friends), playing a new video game, reading a new book series... hell, even when I was coming home from class last semester, my brain is just kinda locked onto THAT thing. I have no idea how many hours I bored Mo talking to her about how electricity works and how it relates to electronics last semester when I came home, and that's just one example

Thanks for your insight, dear. It's very much appreciated.
No problem! It's all really fresh in my mind right now as I've been rereading things in my quest to get a good handle on who hubs and I are as separate people and our strengths and weaknesses. I think sometimes we get caught up trying to get the other person to be something they're not, or do things the way we would like when maybe that's not their way, or maybe that's not something that's altogether "doable".

Knowing how he works better allows me to change things up and make it easier for him to receive and understand, which in turn makes things easier between us. And this is good stuff!!

And Mo-- funny thing about how you knew this and just forgot. Probably does have a lot to do with your focus--and stress physical or otherwise, but I just did the same thing recently. I had figured a lot of this ADD type stuff out back in the beginning of this year, and we were doing some work on us (long distance). Then he met the GF and focus went there, and I was working with dealing with that... and I totally forgot about it!! I just picked it up this past week and was like... duh! This is what's going on, how did I forget all about this?!?! Ah well...

Karma, you do remind me of my hubs a lot... so I can relate I think!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Calendar is a good idea, and I'm sure it has been mentioned before. I just have to remember to use the thing. I'm notorious for last mintue, spur-of-the-moment "planning", and I know it drives Mo up the wall at times. I'm also great at forgetting things. A calendar seems like it would help with both of those issues.
I'm going to work on that one with hubs again. Maybe a big one on the door in the kitchen to write the big stuff on. Or maybe I can convince him to do google calendar and we can do it on our phones... he likes his phone, that might work. But yes... I have my datebook (we call it my "brain") with EVERYTHING written in it because I know I won't be able to remember or keep track without it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
ABSOLUTE must for ADD folks.

Minxxa nailed it. My husband and I have these same issues. If what ever I need to say is more than 5 words, I have to really watch out for the "zone out" or the "Oooh, Shiny" factor. Communication is a habit we have to form and until then, we will need constant reminders.

Karma - Smack upside the head for not using your "out loud" voice

Mo - Shame on you for "assuming" (this one kicks my but every time)
I think that with ADD folks assuming is even more dangerous than with other people. Even down to assuming they can see how you feel. Between the focus and the not being as good at picking up emotional cues, I've found that I need to just be direct.

"I am feeling neglected because you're so involved in X. I need you to come hold me and talk to me for a little while."

Works much better.

If books are your thing... there's a cool book called "The ADHD Affect on Marraige" by Melissa Orlov. I've read a few good ADHD books, but this one is cool because it's written by a woman whose husband has ADHD, and so it's kind of from her viewpoint of what it's like to be with someone who has it, and what issues come up because of it. It also offers perspective to non-ADDers about how the other person works which is so enlightening, and tips and things on how you can work together to get things done. It's totally doable, it's just a little different than normal people would do things!

It's kind of like having a kid with learning disabilities (LOL, stay with me on this one!! ) You can't just sit them down and tell them to do better and expect them to be able to do it. You have to learn what they are seeing and thinking, figure out strategies to help them learn that may be outside of the box. And the end result might not be what everybody else has... and that's okay too.

I'm glad it's helped. It helps me a lot too.
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  #795  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:05 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Oh, and Mo... I was also thinking last night and it occurred to me that you most likely still have triggers that get you to that old bad place. I know that hubs and I have been through a lot in the past eleven years and there are still things he can do/say that take me straight back to all the bad stuff, and when it happens it's like PTSD, the memories just flood me and the emotions come with them.

It's hard because he doesn't get why this happens, or really understand what it's like. For him, the past is the past, and he generally doesn't remember 85% of the stuff I do about what's happened in our relationship. He's done a lot of changing the past year or so, and we've really been working on things a lot lately-- but that doesn't erase the past and my guess is it will just take time. And until then, there are going to be some flashbacks.

I had to sit down hubs a few weeks ago and explain that there is a certain phrase he says when discussing meeting some girl, that throws me WAY back and brings up EVERY time he used the same phrase and the times he was telling me one thing and doing another. Until I laid it out for him what it was he had no clue-- he actually didn't remember MOST of the incidents either until I brought them up, LOL. I told him I wasn't telling him that to upset him or to be vindictive... just to explain what that phrase was doing to me every time, and to please not say it anymore!

And as for me, when I get throwin into that I have to very purposefully sit and NOT go through old stuff, remind myself of our changes, do some deep breathing and pull myself out of it. It's very easy for me to sink into questioning him again and not trusting... and that is no fun at all, and not helpful to where we are right now.
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  #796  
Old 08-19-2011, 05:05 AM
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While writing on some other blogs I had an interesting revalation today.

It's not that I am jealous of Cookie and what she and Karma do together, as much as them being able to do it reminds me how much fibro has stripped from my life.

It's not her specificaly that I am jealous of. It's anyone that can just get up and go do anything they want.

I've learned a lot of tricks and adaptations to make fibro bearable, but it's still there. And I still have to plan everything I do to make sure I won't get hurt, or exhaust myself, or get lost, or agree to something then not be able to do it. I still have to plan recovery time for a lot of activity. I still have to make sure I get enough rest before and after.

I used to live a life of doing whatever the hell I wanted. I've had fibro for 16yrs but it hasn't impacted my life this much before the last 3. So I am having to learn how to let go of who I was while adapting to poly.

But I am learning that most of my issues with poly have either been personal conflict with the other person, or personal issues brought up because of fibro.

I don't think them doing things would have bothered me nearly as much 4 yrs ago, because 4 yrs ago I had the ability to do the same things.

Sad, but also very freeing. I finaly know where the jealousy is coming from so I can do something about it. Cuz I really like her and don't want there to be a ton of drama. I was doing well with addressing it the best I could, but now that I know it's root it will be even easier.

School starts in 4 days and next weekend is a bike show we are going to. And yes we have concrete plans this time
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  #797  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:33 AM
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So Karma and I just took a vocabulary test and I am not surprised at all that he was well above average for all age ranges. I was within average for all ages and above average for my own.

But it kinda bothers me that he was surprised that my score was lower.

Not sure if it's the fibro or dumbing myself down for people or what it is. But I think I have found a new thing I can do that that doesn't involve hurting myself.

I'm gonna exercise my brain and raise my vocabulary.

And with all the finance classes I have this semester I'm sure I'll have plenty of new words.
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  #798  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:37 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Mo,

I can imagine how frustrating it is to be unable to do certain things due to your physical limitations. I only have a SLIGHT inkling personally, because a few years ago my thyroid was quitting on me and my adrenals were tanking due to stress, which flipped out my other hormones until my endocrine system was a disaster and I had no energy whatsoever. Just going to work was incredibly hard, I'd cry sometimes having to get out of bed, even after 10 hours of sleep because I still felt exhausted.

This was not a good time for me.

And during this time it was REALLY hard to deal with just about anything else-- poly included.

It's good you found the cause... so that you (and Karma!) can work on some options for things you two can do in order to mitigate it a bit.

It's nice that you're both looking forward to school! I'm so burnt out right now... but I have next month off, so one more week of school and then four glorious weeks of NO THINKING.
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  #799  
Old 08-19-2011, 04:19 PM
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And cue random bout of anger.

I tried to go to bed earlier, and instad of falling asleep I just laid there and thought about things from the past with Cricket. I HATE the fact that I keep doing this, and that it pops up seemingly out of nowhere.

But there is so much unresolved anger and hurt and frustration there from her blaming me for everything, and I have no idea how to deal with it or let it go like a normal person. I guess these random explosions shouldn't suprise me anymore.

The therapy people really need to get back to me. I'm sick of this crap - I just want to move the fuck on.
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Old 08-20-2011, 01:25 AM
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I think you need to see it as a good thing. You are working on moving forward and trying to get over everything she did. She on the other hand is still stuck in the same circle, still blaming everyone else for her own shit. She is still making shit up so she can appear to be the good one, the better one, the poor damaged victim.

You are allowed to be mad, you are allowed to be hurt. She is nothng like who you thought she was. She is not the image she portrayed that you fell in love with. She is a sad pathetic game playing child. Anything that will bring her attention she will do. Anything that allows her to deflect blame onto anyone but her, she will do.

For fucks sake you have the right to be mad about that. And you have every right to be hurt by her actions.

She lives a fantasy world and there is nothing you can do to make things better as long as she is there. And she is there by choice. So let her make her choice. And make your own to allow yourself to heal.

Learn the lessons. When everyone who meets someone you are dating tells you she is bad news, listen to them. When the collective whole comes to the same conclusion, there is probably a reason for it. Learn that you cannot help those who aren't willing to accept the help. If they are heading towards complete self destruction there is nothing you can do if they don't want the help.

You did the right things. You did what she told you to do. You did what she led you to believe she wanted. It's not like she ever opened her damn mouth to tell you something wasn't working. She just ran to the next victim she could suck dry.

It hurts me to see you this upset over her. She's not worth it. You have a great new girlfriend, school is starting, you've made amends with many of the friends you've lost while whith her. Hmm I wonder why you lost those friends? Maybe because they could see her for what she was and didn't want to be around her?

Look to the positives. The things you have learned about yourself and work to move forward.
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