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  #781  
Old 08-15-2011, 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
The part that is a big red flag to me is that he didn't tell you that he was seeing her Saturday instead of Tuesday when you brought up the gas thing. That seems to me like a normal time to bring it up. "Well it won't be an issue with our gas budget because I won't be seeing her Tuesday." I think I'd ask why he didn't inform you of that before hand. And if he ends up wanting to see her Tuesday, that'd be a huge issue, if it were me.
Actually, I did tell her I was seeing her Saturday - from my perspective. When I mentioned that I was "thinking about" seeing Cookie, I was still "thinking about it" because I wasn't sure if I would be able to see her Saturday, IE if I was going to be able to get out there. Mo misinterpreted a very vague response from me (not really her fault, I shouldn't be vague) to mean that this was something I was idly considering, when in fact I was making sure that I could actually see Cookie on Saturday from a practical perspective. Did I tell her "Well, I can't see her Tuesday so I'm going to see her tonight"? No. Again, I should have been a bit more communicative, instead of just making the assumption that "Obviously I can't see her on my normal day if I'm switching things up like this, what's the problem?"

The problem is that my wife isn't psychic, and I shouldn't assume that she knows what's going on in my head like that.

I think part of the issue in general has been that, in a way, we've both been taking this new, improved communication for granted. This of course leads to a lack of that good communication - which is what we were dealing with here. You can't just assume that because the two of you have been doing so well with communication that you just have it now - you never "just have it". Communication takes work and effort on a constant basis. It's not like riding a bike - you can't learn to do it right and then just forget about doing it and expect to keep doing it, you have to conciously make sure that those lines of communication are open and things are being understood, even if things have been going good- if things have been going good, it's because of the effort you've been putting into it, so why stop now?

Good communication is not something that one attains and then possesses, like a trophy or something. It's a state of thinking about your relationship that requires constant maintainance and tune-ups, from both parties. You can't just "fix it and forget it"
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  #782  
Old 08-15-2011, 02:10 AM
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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post

This seems to be an ongoing problem. When was the last time he romanced you? Made love to you? Treated you like someone he couldn't wait to sneak off with and ravish?
Wow, you seem to have such a great understanding of how my marriage works, Secret! Oh, wait.... no, you don't. You're making assumptions and accusations and basically coming off like an ass.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
I agree with Phy that it sounded like he "slept all day with the purpose of missing the show" (since he thought it was a daytime thing), and then figured all along that would be a chance to go and have sex with his girlfriend.
Another baseless accusation based on your assumptions. The idea that I "purposely" slept through the show is simply ludicrous and insulting. If you had been paying attention to all of this blog, instead of just picking and choosing which parts to use to attack me with, you'd recall that Mo has Fibromyalgia - which means that when she sleeps, I let her fucking sleep, period. Regardless of what's going on, unless it involves the apartment burning down. If she doesn't get the sleep she needs, she spends the next three to five days in agony, and no, getting her up to go to a car show just isn't worth putting her through that to me. Not much is. And as far as your comment about "he figured he'd have a chance to have sex with his girlfriend" goes - once again you're uninformed and making yourself look like an ass by juming to conclusions and trying to attack me. There was no "chance" to sleep with her. I knew that heading into this - she was taking care of a much younger sibling for her recently widowed father, who was out of town. Plenty of opportunities there to get laid, what with a kid running around and all. And I'm just the kind of guy who would pull Cookie away from her family obligations and leave the child unsupervised while having wild, loud sex in the other room. I'm just that kind of douchebag - or at least that seems to be the idea you're trying to get across any way you can. I certainly wouldn't have helped with dinner or cleaning up or anything like that - after all, I'm only there for the sex, right?

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
I wonder if he has a way to sweet talk you so you can't really see what games he's playing.
And what "game" would that be? Maybe you missed the part where my wife knows I have a girlfriend, so I have NOTHING TO HIDE.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
Another thing that would bother me is how inattentive ahe is and doesn't listen to you - you sent an email and talked to him about Saturday night being cooler, how is it that he didn't register that the cruise was at night?
Because out of the 14 emails Mo sent me in one hour with free things to do for dates, I remembered the times and dates for exactly zero of them after reading it all. Partly because I just suck with remembering things like that, partly because there were 14 different things to remember. I'm sure that makes me a horrible person too, doesn't it?

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
That just sounds like BS, to tell the truth. I would be suspicious.
Well of course you would. After all, it seems like your goal here is to make her suspicious, and the best way to do that would be to tell her that you would be, in her situation- although I'm still a little shakey on what Mo should be suspicious of, exactly. Suspicious that I have a girlfriend? Suspicious that I'm sleeping with her? I'll point out once again that she's well aware of those things. So what exactly am I hiding from her?


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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
In following your thread, it appears the Karma doesn't work - is that correct? If money is an issue (I thought about you putting your last cigarette in the freezer this week), he should be focusing on getting a job instead of a girlfriend, I think.
And where the FUCK do you get off telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life right now? You have no idea if I have been looking for a job, no idea what the job market here is even like, no idea what I'm going to school for or when it starts back up again.... basically, you don't have the first fucking clue about what's going on in my life. You know what I think YOU should be focused on? Finding something else to do besides trying to meddle in the lives of other people. Try it out, you might enjoy it.





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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
This does not sound like a foundation of trust to build anything on. I know you have talked about not throwing away the relationship because of past problems, and how important it is to you to give him a chance - but I wonder if there will be a saturation point for you. How many chances does he get?
And this brings me to my point. Since you started posting here, you've had a highly antagonistic, hostile attitude towards me. Damn near everything you've posted has been intended to sow discord, distrust, and doubt in my marriage. I can really only think of a few reasons why someone - a few specific someones - would want to do that.

Normally I welcome opposed and differing points of view on here. Hell, I've lost track of the times Redpepper has put me in my place on this blog. No one else who has responded to this situation has gone out of their way to try to color persceptions of me the way you have - I have to wonder what your motives really are, although I suspect I know the answer to that already.
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  #783  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:44 AM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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Your wife was upset and asked for opinions. I gave mine and agreed with some other people. Guess I hit a nerve but it was just how I saw it. If my partner did that to me, I wouldn't accept it, but that's just me. I doubt very much that a stranger on the internet can actually "sow discord" in a marriage. If there's discord, it's no one else's fault - for example, you say "when she sleeps, I let her fucking sleep, period" but she says she went to bed because you weren't paying attention to her in the first place. I only ask questions and pose opinions to give another viewpoint, based on reading this whole thread and others. Sorry it sounded harsh.

Last edited by ihaveasecret; 08-15-2011 at 04:16 AM.
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  #784  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:53 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Yes, communication is an ongoing process. I have to say, too, that since doing a lot of reading on ADD it's helped me a lot to understand some of the things my hubs does and how his brain works. Communication is difficult because often he thinks he's told me things he hasn't, or he misunderstands something I've said, or he zones out while I'm talking and misses vital stuff. I'm learning that I need to figure out exactly what I need to tell him, say it very concisely and make sure he undertands what I meant. If I am not direct and am in any way vague, it always goes awry!

I have also learned not to take some of these things personally because it's not directed at me it's just how his brain works. Learning more about it just helps me (and hopefully will help him) figure out better ways of getting done what we need to get done in a better way with less bumps.

I know, too, that the more information i throw at him, the more overwhelmed he gets and nothing really sinks in. Long emails are hard for him to get through, and too much information just overloads him and any point I try to make gets lost. Nowadays I'm learning to work through the mess of stuff in my head first, and get it down to one or two sentences. This seems to be working a bit better.

And lastly, NRE with someone with ADD is really tough on the partner. People with ADD get an intense "focus" going when they're into something (can be a person, but also a hobby, or anything else, really), and when they're in that focus they literally neglect or ignore everything else in their lives. The hardest part is that they don't really realize they're doing it-- they feel the same about you-- and they don't realize that they're not showing you at all. That's another thing that it's helpful for the person with ADD to realize that they do, so that when it happens you can let them know and they can adjust.

It's a work in progress... but at least now I feel like I have some idea of what's going on and some hope that we can work together to make things more manageable. Just like my anxiety, it's part of who I am, but knowing that helps because I know I need to manage things a certain way, and when my anxiety gets bad I realize what it is and can take steps to work with it, or at the very least know that it will pass and things will be better.
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  #785  
Old 08-15-2011, 04:24 AM
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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
but she says she went to bed because you weren't paying attention to her in the first place.
Ummm... no, that's not at all what she said. She specifically said she went back to bed to listen to the storm under the covers. She likes that sort of thing. So do I
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  #786  
Old 08-15-2011, 04:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Yes, communication is an ongoing process. I have to say, too, that since doing a lot of reading on ADD it's helped me a lot to understand some of the things my hubs does and how his brain works. Communication is difficult because often he thinks he's told me things he hasn't, or he misunderstands something I've said, or he zones out while I'm talking and misses vital stuff. I'm learning that I need to figure out exactly what I need to tell him, say it very concisely and make sure he undertands what I meant. If I am not direct and am in any way vague, it always goes awry!

I have also learned not to take some of these things personally because it's not directed at me it's just how his brain works. Learning more about it just helps me (and hopefully will help him) figure out better ways of getting done what we need to get done in a better way with less bumps.

I know, too, that the more information i throw at him, the more overwhelmed he gets and nothing really sinks in. Long emails are hard for him to get through, and too much information just overloads him and any point I try to make gets lost. Nowadays I'm learning to work through the mess of stuff in my head first, and get it down to one or two sentences. This seems to be working a bit better.

And lastly, NRE with someone with ADD is really tough on the partner. People with ADD get an intense "focus" going when they're into something (can be a person, but also a hobby, or anything else, really), and when they're in that focus they literally neglect or ignore everything else in their lives. The hardest part is that they don't really realize they're doing it-- they feel the same about you-- and they don't realize that they're not showing you at all. That's another thing that it's helpful for the person with ADD to realize that they do, so that when it happens you can let them know and they can adjust.

It's a work in progress... but at least now I feel like I have some idea of what's going on and some hope that we can work together to make things more manageable. Just like my anxiety, it's part of who I am, but knowing that helps because I know I need to manage things a certain way, and when my anxiety gets bad I realize what it is and can take steps to work with it, or at the very least know that it will pass and things will be better.
Minxxa, can we keep you? You've pretty much described exactly how my brain works since you started this whole trend of posting about ADD boys It's been incredibly helpful for me, reading your descriptions and thinking "Wait, I do that too!" and also in helping to verbalize how my brain works sometimes to Mo. The whole thing about information bombardment? Dead-on accurate. Same with the whole focus/obsession thing. When I'm doing something new - be it seeing a new person (even new friends), playing a new video game, reading a new book series... hell, even when I was coming home from class last semester, my brain is just kinda locked onto THAT thing. I have no idea how many hours I bored Mo talking to her about how electricity works and how it relates to electronics last semester when I came home, and that's just one example

Thanks for your insight, dear. It's very much appreciated.
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  #787  
Old 08-15-2011, 05:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
"Do you want me to cancel my plans?" M-"No go ahead"

And here we are a month into it and he is not only conceling on me, making me feel bad if he cancels on her but he's also not telling me he's going to see her until he leaves, ignoring our money issues and is showing signs of being back to a do what I want attitude.

He did this shit with Cricket all the time. We'd make plans, but then she'd suddenly be available and I'd get dropped.
It sounds like you sorted most everything out, but I was feeling like throwing a couple of questions out there to some of the above.

You should try to remember that he is not making you feel bad, YOU are making you feel bad. Even if he acts like a class act prick (I'm not saying you are Karma! I have no idea, I did not read the entire thread) you don't need to let it make you feel like you did something wrong. Maybe a bit more exploring if it's guilt, anger, or some other reason that makes you feel badly when you have a right to be upset is in order every now and again.

I don't know if you every do ask him to cancel, but if you find yourself saying "go ahead" when you want to say "wtf? NO don't go ahead" you should give into that. I imagine that if you had said NO, even if he explained his thought process before he went out so you changed No to Yes - you may have still been upset, but the intervening hours between him leaving and you having a chance to talk wouldn't have been so stressful for you.

Maybe it would be good if you did not always say No when he tries to cancel plans with you (without a upfront discussion with you and your OK of course). Now I know if you said "you can't go out, you made plans with me" he might be less than thrilled to sit at home with you when you are grumpy and pissy and don't want to do anything because he's forgotten AGAIN and you don't feel like having fun anymore dammit. (That's how I am at least). But if he understands that it's a natural reaction to being forgotten about, and you did have valid plans made first - to show he really cares, he'll suck it up and stay home, and maybe learn to not cancel plans anymore. I am guessing if he was willing to do this, you might be mad for an hour or so but maybe get over it and you can have the fun you planned on having in the first place?

I also don't know if you guys keep a calendar, we do (actually double up on a paper calendar and gmail's). (Tempted to read the whole thread to see, but if it hasn't been mentioned, I'd be very very surprised) Have you tried something along the lines of if outside plans aren't up there on a calendar within 24 hour notice, they don't happen, at least with out a discussion and agreement (or whatever works for you two). If you agreed to something like this, then possibly if one of you forgot to put something on the schedule, for example it wouldn't be Karma's fault he had to cancel, it'd be his own, so it's not your fault, but his, if he forgets, and YOU wont let yourself feel bad because you're not the one who has to say No, it'd become his responsibility.

Of course this is the real world, my husband can't remember to put anything on the schedule hardly ever, or waits til the last minute to write something down (i.e. he makes plans for 5 days from now, but since he doesn't have a place or exact time, doesn't write anything down until 10pm the night before when he learns the details instead of putting in a placeholder so I know he has plans period...good thing I have a good memory!)

For our solution to this, if he mentions plans, I put them on the calendar for him. Since I don't like finding out things last minute, this helps keep my stress level down, and as long as he HAS mentioned something vague, I don't hold him responsible if I didn't make sure to get it on the calendar.

Thanks for letting me throw my two bits in (well, that's a lot of typing for two bits, but I couldn't help it).
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  #788  
Old 08-15-2011, 05:51 AM
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Calendar is a good idea, and I'm sure it has been mentioned before. I just have to remember to use the thing. I'm notorious for last mintue, spur-of-the-moment "planning", and I know it drives Mo up the wall at times. I'm also great at forgetting things. A calendar seems like it would help with both of those issues.
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  #789  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
Hello again. This made me sad to read that you think going out and doing something you love would be a waste if it's just for you and no one else. I think you should consider yourself worth a little gasoline!
I don't consider myself not worthy of the use of gasoline. I do however have less than 1/8 of a tank in my car and it needs run once a week or so. Karmas truck had the last fill up so it has the majority of the gas. I chose to not run my car down even further to where we'd be royaly screwed in an emergency.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
Just by the fact that he went to see his girlfriend even after you told him the show was happening, sounds like trouble to me. It does seem like he is doing what he wants without much consideration for you.
I told him to go. He had already made plans. Him staying after that fact wasnt the point of my issue. I'm not going to tell him to cancel plans with someone because we had a miscommunication. Nor did I really want him there with the attitude he had anyway.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
This seems to be an ongoing problem. When was the last time he romanced you? Made love to you? Treated you like someone he couldn't wait to sneak off with and ravish?
Friday night. And I dont want romance all the time. That kind of ruins it's appeal for me. But this did allow for some good conversation between Karma and I.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
I agree with Phy that it sounded like he "slept all day with the purpose of missing the show" (since he thought it was a daytime thing), and then figured all along that would be a chance to go and have sex with his girlfriend.
I can see how it would come across that way. But we are night owls. Sleeping all day is nothing new. And I laid back down with him, so wouldn't I then be at fault for not waking him up?

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
I wonder if he has a way to sweet talk you so you can't really see what games he's playing. Another thing that would bother me is how inattentive ahe is and doesn't listen to you - you sent an email and talked to him about Saturday night being cooler, how is it that he didn't register that the cruise was at night? That just sounds like BS, to tell the truth. I would be suspicious.
I am honestly curious as to what games you think he is playing. As far as things not registering that is again my fault. After living with him for 9 yrs Im not sure what posessed me to think we had plans with out making sure of them. It's how we've always worked. Because he gets lost in all the details and information that he flat out forgets. Should he have made more of an effort to remember, probably, but I know my husband and how his brain works and me assuming we had plans without confirming them is not it.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
How many chances does he get?
Well when we are both at fault for the failure to communicare I guess we evened eachother out this time on chances. But to answer you, as many as I decide to give.

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Originally Posted by ihaveasecret View Post
If there's discord, it's no one else's fault - for example, you say "when she sleeps, I let her fucking sleep, period" but she says she went to bed because you weren't paying attention to her in the first place.
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I woke up around noon and laid back down cuz it was storming and I love just listening to it. I drifted in and out and woke up for good around 4 but I stayed in bed with him until he got up.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that I went to bed because he wasn't paying attention to me. I am not a puppy. I do not need to whine until he wakes up and takes me for a walk. If I needed his attention I would have woken him up. Instead I did what I love to do, I curled up against him and listened to the storm.


I do appreciate your imput. You gave us some points that caused a very good conversation. But some other points do seem to come across as an attack on Karma or as above, with no validation at all.
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  #790  
Old 08-15-2011, 07:22 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Calendar is a good idea, and I'm sure it has been mentioned before. I just have to remember to use the thing. I'm notorious for last mintue, spur-of-the-moment "planning", and I know it drives Mo up the wall at times. I'm also great at forgetting things. A calendar seems like it would help with both of those issues.
ABSOLUTE must for ADD folks.

Minxxa nailed it. My husband and I have these same issues. If what ever I need to say is more than 5 words, I have to really watch out for the "zone out" or the "Oooh, Shiny" factor. Communication is a habit we have to form and until then, we will need constant reminders.

Karma - Smack upside the head for not using your "out loud" voice

Mo - Shame on you for "assuming" (this one kicks my but every time)

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