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  #771  
Old 08-13-2011, 11:56 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I have a deep dislike for NRE, especialy when my husband thinks with his penis instead of paying attention to what has been said.
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  #772  
Old 08-14-2011, 12:58 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I don't know about you, but I'm finding that NRE + ADD = AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! It's a million times more hard to deal with than regular NRE because of that ADD "focus" they do at the beginning of relationships to the exclusion of everything else.

It's like I don't exist anymore. And he never gets it because he "feels" the same way about me, he just doesn't realize or see that he starts neglecting me in all the ways I need because his focus is elsewhere. :-(

I'm still figuring out how to get that one dealt with...
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  #773  
Old 08-14-2011, 03:28 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I don't know about you, but I'm finding that NRE + ADD = AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! It's a million times more hard to deal with than regular NRE because of that ADD "focus" they do at the beginning of relationships to the exclusion of everything else.

It's like I don't exist anymore. And he never gets it because he "feels" the same way about me, he just doesn't realize or see that he starts neglecting me in all the ways I need because his focus is elsewhere. :-(

I'm still figuring out how to get that one dealt with...
Good luck! Let me know if you find an answer!
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  #774  
Old 08-14-2011, 05:28 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Default Am I over reacting?

I try not to post issues between Karma and I until we've worked through it.

But I am wondering if I'm over reacting or if I have a valid issue here.

I question it b/c timeline wise I should be around that time of the month so my hormones may be a bit whacked, and because things seemed to be going really well.

So here's the issue. Last week I told Karma he needed to limit his visits to Cookie's to once a week. We can't afford more than that and he agreed. He saw her Tuesday.

At somepoint last week I sent him several links to cheap or free things I wanted to do. One of those was a cruise in that was free and very nearby. I asked maybe Wednesday? or Thursday if we could go this weekend as the weather channel was predicting that Saturday was going to be one of our coolest nights this summer and the air quality will drop to yellow for the first time in weeks.

He said he was THINKING about seeing Cookie saturday. I reminded him that we couldn't afford that. And at the end of the convo, I thought we were going.

The last two weeks his head has been shoved up the video games ass. So I go to the bedroom to watch tv.

Something I promised to not do after our divorce talk because we both felt that me being in the bedroom all the time played into our distance from eachother. But what the hell else am I supposed to do? I've read all the books we have and while I do enjoy watching him play, it does get boring.

So anyway I was really looking forward to tonight. Getting out of the house. Spending time with my boy. Checking out old cars. I love cruise ins. I don't get into cars, but I can appreciate the pretty! and I love 50's music this particular cruise in plays. So I was really looking forward to tonight.

I woke up around noon and laid back down cuz it was storming and I love just listening to it. I drifted in and out and woke up for good around 4 but I stayed in bed with him until he got up.

I figured he'd get out of the shower, I'd get in and we'd leave. I drifted a bit more and next thing I know I'm getting a kiss goodbye and a see you later and I'll be back before you get up.

WTF! I asked where he was going and I am told he was going to see Cookie. "SO I guess we aren't going to the car show?" K-"I thought it was during the day" M-"Ummm no it just started 6-10" K full of attitude-"Do you want me to cancel my plans?" M-"No go ahead"

I considered going on my own but my car has a quarter of a tank of gas and I'd perfer to not waste it.

I'm pissed.

Mostly because after he left I wondered if I had made him stay home if he'd have lied to go there anyway.

And then it hit me. Until now he's never had to really prove how much has changed.

And here we are a month into it and he is not only conceling on me, making me feel bad if he cancels on her but he's also not telling me he's going to see her until he leaves, ignoring our money issues and is showing signs of being back to a do what I want attitude.

I wonder if I had made him stay how long the temper tantrum would have lasted and if he would have lied or made an exscuse to see her.

So am I over reacting getting this upset over something small, or is this really the issue I see it being?

Had I known ahead of time I wouldn't have been as upset. I'd still be upset because even though the cruise in is every saturday, August and september here are killer heat wise. But I wouldn't have planned on something to have it not happen. He did this shit with Cricket all the time. We'd make plans, but then she'd suddenly be available and I'd get dropped.

So am I reacting to a trigger? Is this a sign that nothing changed he just wasn't seeing anyone before so it seemed like it was better? Is this jsut NRE/ADD hell?

I am just so mad right now. I feel disrespected, ignored, like I don't matter, like our money issues don't matter.

Last edited by Mohegan; 08-14-2011 at 05:31 AM.
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  #775  
Old 08-14-2011, 07:11 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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There are some points in your story that made me wonder. First of all: did you set a date? Did both of you agree to it? You use expressions like "I thought" and "I figured" and so on, was there an agreement to go or did you interpret it as such? That would be the first point I would get clear.

The next thing depends on the former one: Even if there was a misunderstanding, if he left without considering the money issue and double date (they should have been clear issues from his point of view) you got something to talk about in my opinion. If he slept all day with the purpose of missing the show (that's what his answer sounds like as you describe it) this could be seen as his easy way out of the promise to go. At least that was how it came across.

You said that if you had known ahead of time you wouldn't have been upset. I would have been upset nevertheless because there are some points that show little consideration for you and appear to be really self serving.

You need to talk about that I think. Did he get how much you are looking forward to this day? Did you tell him or were the plans only in your head, getting excited on your own? Is the money issue one that is clear to him? Why can't he take Cookie to such cheap/for free events if their usual ones are too expensive?

Hope you get it sorted out.
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  #776  
Old 08-14-2011, 07:38 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Communication for the win.

He neglected to tell me that he won't be seeing her this Tuesday. Which is why he wanted to see her today. To him "thinking about" equated plans, where to me it means considering not even verbalised yet.

I 'thought' we had plans, I had said that we couldn't afford for him to go there and assumed that meant we were going to the cruise in. So that one is on me for assuming.

No they don't do anything expensive. Mostly they go sit somewhere and talk and listen to music. The issue is the gas there and back. Life would be much easier if she had a car. But such is life.

So after a heated discussion we talked things through.

Funny thing about communication-just because things are going well that doesn't mean you can stop communicating.

Lesson learned, for us both I think.

There were underlying issues and triggers for us both. Hopefully it's been dealt with.
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  #777  
Old 08-14-2011, 08:00 AM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I considered going on my own but my car has a quarter of a tank of gas and I'd perfer to not waste it.
Hello again. This made me sad to read that you think going out and doing something you love would be a waste if it's just for you and no one else. I think you should consider yourself worth a little gasoline!


Just by the fact that he went to see his girlfriend even after you told him the show was happening, sounds like trouble to me. It does seem like he is doing what he wants without much consideration for you.

This seems to be an ongoing problem. When was the last time he romanced you? Made love to you? Treated you like someone he couldn't wait to sneak off with and ravish?

I agree with Phy that it sounded like he "slept all day with the purpose of missing the show" (since he thought it was a daytime thing), and then figured all along that would be a chance to go and have sex with his girlfriend. I wonder if he has a way to sweet talk you so you can't really see what games he's playing. Another thing that would bother me is how inattentive ahe is and doesn't listen to you - you sent an email and talked to him about Saturday night being cooler, how is it that he didn't register that the cruise was at night? That just sounds like BS, to tell the truth. I would be suspicious.


In following your thread, it appears the Karma doesn't work - is that correct? If money is an issue (I thought about you putting your last cigarette in the freezer this week), he should be focusing on getting a job instead of a girlfriend, I think.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I wondered if I had made him stay home if he'd have lied to go there anyway.
This does not sound like a foundation of trust to build anything on. I know you have talked about not throwing away the relationship because of past problems, and how important it is to you to give him a chance - but I wonder if there will be a saturation point for you. How many chances does he get?


Edit: Okay, I see you added another post while I was writing this, but I still have a bad feeling about what happened. It's all very fishy to me.
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  #778  
Old 08-14-2011, 03:34 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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The part that is a big red flag to me is that he didn't tell you that he was seeing her Saturday instead of Tuesday when you brought up the gas thing. That seems to me like a normal time to bring it up. "Well it won't be an issue with our gas budget because I won't be seeing her Tuesday." I think I'd ask why he didn't inform you of that before hand. And if he ends up wanting to see her Tuesday, that'd be a huge issue, if it were me.
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  #779  
Old 08-14-2011, 08:56 PM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
The part that is a big red flag to me is that he didn't tell you that he was seeing her Saturday instead of Tuesday when you brought up the gas thing. That seems to me like a normal time to bring it up. "Well it won't be an issue with our gas budget because I won't be seeing her Tuesday." I think I'd ask why he didn't inform you of that before hand. And if he ends up wanting to see her Tuesday, that'd be a huge issue, if it were me.
Yes, it's such a convenient excuse, it seems ridiculous!
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  #780  
Old 08-14-2011, 10:42 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I'm in a bit of a similar situation so I wanted to susbscribe to this thread. Thanks for sharing so much of your feelings, Mo. I feel many of the same. The new GF is so new, we haven't even encountered a lot of these issues yet -- but I anticipate them coming!
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