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  #61  
Old 06-09-2010, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
but if he tried, it would give him motivation to keep his own behaviour in check, a proper first-hand respect for what you're going through. After all, why should you be the only one to do all the hard work?
Fantastic point!
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  #62  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:42 PM
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Rough day. My husband took me and his girlfriend to a club last night. Had a fairly goodtime. Went to a friends house afterwards. Went back to our place to talk and hang out, had some talks that made me realize that after almost a yr of dating, she doesn't really know my husband at all. Kind of bothered me. She stayed the night and I had a hard time sleeping knowing she was in out bed with us. Even though days ago I was all for the three of us messing around. I'm so confused and I hate this feeling. I'm so happy with where our lives are at the moment, yet my heart feels like it is being ripped to shreds. The worst of it is right now I want to turn to the guy I am sort of dating. I just want him to hold me. And that feels like such a betrayal to my husband. It's not right to mix them up together. I'm kind of mess right now.
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  #63  
Old 06-17-2010, 04:23 AM
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Mo-
I hope these last couple of days are better. you are not betraying your husband, you are just seeking some support and attention from your lover. Not so strange. I hope he was able to give that to you. Looking forward to being in your area this weekend. We are definitely going to check out Fells Pt. Take care.
MG
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  #64  
Old 06-17-2010, 05:16 AM
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Thanks MG-BTW this weekend is Pride weekend in the harbor.Check out OutLoud.com for info on the parade and other events, if that is your type of thing. It will also tell you road closings and such.

Overall I'm still a mess. I've gotten to where I don't trust a word my husband says. Everytime he gets a phone call I'm all up in his business. I'm questioning every woman he talks to,even ones I know aren't his type.

I can't even see a picture of his girlfriend without getting upset.

I don't know where this is all coming from. Why now? Why not a month ago when I found everything out.

My hubby keeps asking what is wrong and I don't know how to answer him. How do I say, "I'm thinking maybe I was wrong and I can't handle all of this. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to try to work it out. Maybe I should just go ahead and get divorced and move back home to my parents and start again." If I'm not sure that's what I want. I keep flip flopping every other minute.

It's not even a matter of jealousy. I'm not jealous of what they have. I'm hurt that I can't trust him. I'm hurt that he's lied about sooooo much I don't how much of any of what he says is the truth. I'm bothered that she looks at him like he's some sort of god. She idolizes him. I really hate pulling the age card, but she's young (legal but young) and has no real experience in adult relationships and I wonder how much she means or understands when she says she loves him. The other night when I learned how much of who he is that she didn't know, was really it for me.

I'm just a big ball of conflicting emotions and I'm so lost as to what I'm going to do.
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  #65  
Old 06-18-2010, 03:54 AM
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Thanks MG-BTW this weekend is Pride weekend in the harbor.Check out OutLoud.com for info on the parade and other events, if that is your type of thing. It will also tell you road closings and such.

Overall I'm still a mess. I've gotten to where I don't trust a word my husband says. Everytime he gets a phone call I'm all up in his business. I'm questioning every woman he talks to,even ones I know aren't his type.

I can't even see a picture of his girlfriend without getting upset.

I don't know where this is all coming from. Why now? Why not a month ago when I found everything out.

My hubby keeps asking what is wrong and I don't know how to answer him. How do I say, "I'm thinking maybe I was wrong and I can't handle all of this. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to try to work it out. Maybe I should just go ahead and get divorced and move back home to my parents and start again." If I'm not sure that's what I want. I keep flip flopping every other minute.

It's not even a matter of jealousy. I'm not jealous of what they have. I'm hurt that I can't trust him. I'm hurt that he's lied about sooooo much I don't how much of any of what he says is the truth. I'm bothered that she looks at him like he's some sort of god. She idolizes him. I really hate pulling the age card, but she's young (legal but young) and has no real experience in adult relationships and I wonder how much she means or understands when she says she loves him. The other night when I learned how much of who he is that she didn't know, was really it for me.

I'm just a big ball of conflicting emotions and I'm so lost as to what I'm going to do.
Cool! Thanks for the info on the parade etc. Should make it even more fun! I love a parade!!! If you will be in the area let me know. I check my email and this site alot. We can meetup for a drink!

Must be very strange to try to understand someone with whom you have very little in common. It is great that you are making the effort. You mentioned thoughts of divorce, is there a disconnect because of the other relationships or are there other issues? What is going on with you and your bf? Are he and your husband similar or opposities? Is he giving you the support you need while hubs is in the midst of NRE? I hope so. You deserve it!
Keep a positive focus and do what is best for YOU! Do you and the hubs have children?
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  #66  
Old 06-18-2010, 04:11 AM
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MG-I would love to meet up with you, but I've managed to get sick, So I doubt we'll be heading in for the festivities.

The cold meds are kicking in so I hope this makes sense.

No we don't have any children. We both keep going back and forth on if we want a family or not, so for now we spoil the hell out of our nieces.

I was in a really bad place last night, but my husband finaly drew everything out of me and we talked for about 5hrs last night. Mentaly I am in a better place. I hope. We boiled most of it down to I expect a lot out of someone who would be joining our family and I am holding her to even higher standards that she just hasn't had the life experience to reach yet. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, I still think she's looking for someone to rescue her. But my husband brought a good point, while they've been involved for a yr, a good portion of that was in hiding and only seeing eachother once or twice a week. Unlike us who moved in together right away, before we even dated.

As far as trusting him, I do feel better. I was able to put it all out there. Even things I thought would make him mad, or that he would think less of me for thinking, but h surprised me by being open to all of it. He let me yell, let me explain how little trust I have, and he said he'd continue to do whatever it took and whatever I asked, to get it back.

And then he asked to spend the day thrift shopping with me. He hates to shop, but aside from me being sick and getting worse as the day went on, we had a pretty good day.
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  #67  
Old 06-18-2010, 04:46 AM
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Good to hear that you are in a better place in coupledom! I hope it continues!!! Get well soon, and if you make a miraculous recovery by Saturday night let me know. Staying at the Sheraton Inner Harbor!
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  #68  
Old 06-19-2010, 08:59 AM
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[AK's] husband is one of the best men that I have ever met. I am submissive by nature and have been objectified - with my consent - on many occassions. However, her husband has never made me feel that way and if you - for even one second - think that he does not respect his wife or me, you are sadly mistaken.
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Little did I know there were some sexual exchanges with them that did not include me at the time as well. As far as I know it was nothing physical but there were some emails that I found.

But anyway, after I found out about them and all of his lies I told them both I would not participate anymore. I was too furious and hurt and betrayed. It was the one thing I had asked. To be included. But he got to the point again where he didn't want me included and he cheated again.
I stand by my opinion. Cheating on your wife and doing things behind her back are not examples of respectful behavior.
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  #69  
Old 06-27-2010, 09:29 AM
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The last few weeks have been pretty crazy. I had a pretty bad flare of my fibromyalgia, then hit a nasty depression at which point DH and I discussed divorce, and then got rocked by a nasty bout of bronchitis.

Finaly back to normal, working out again and the only lingering effects of the bronchitis is coughing up along every few minutes.

DH and I spent several nights talking, I had a lot of fears that his GF was playing him. She just wasn't acting right, stories weren't matching up, she was spending a lot of time with her ex, plus the whole fear that she didn't know him at all after a yr of dating.

DH and worked things out and are going strong again. Divorce is not what I want. I want my husband. Not the substitute I've had the last year. And he is doing well at repairing that. I am doing better at verbalizing my needs and understanding that he can't read my mind. I am also learning that my insecurities are mine. Yes some of his actions have exasperated them, but they are mine. I am owning that and taking the steps to fix it. I am working out again, eating right, cutting down on smoking, working on my spiritual health and a lot of meditiation. Because ultimately my insecurities manifested themselves into reality because I let them. I refuse to let that be my reality.

DH and his g/f almost ended a few days ago. She made plans to come here for the day and then had a ton of stories as to why she didn't answer our calls until almost 5 hrs later. We came to find out she was with her ex (and several other friends, but I had a huge issue that she and DH had plans and instead she went to her ex.) I was done, I was ready to pull my veto rights. Which I really have no desire to do. I feel that unless one of us is being abused, or just plan out hurt over and over, then I have no right dicatating who he can or cannot love. But she is doing this over and over I was sick of watching him hurt. She came over the next day and we had it out. Or should I say, instead of my always treading lightly for fear of causing them problems, I told her exactly what I thought of her and exactly what her actions were showing me. It was a looooooong night, but we all expressed how we were feeling. she apologised alot. Still claims her stories of her phone being on silent and falling asleep were legit. I looked right at her and said that was hard for me to believe, looked right at my husband and said "how many times did you use those exscuses with me to stay the night with her, behind my back?" She looked like I had slapped her across the face. And honestly I wanted to. I was so upset that I was accepting and allowing this after all they did to hurt me and this was the thanks I was getting. This is how she was treating the most precious person in my life.

It eventualy came down to she led DH to believe they were ina relationship b/c at times that is what she wants and at other times she wants to be with both of them. Her ex is a liar, a manipulater and one of the worst people I have ever encountered in my life. If she and DH agreed she would see other people I would have no care, but seeing her ex is a care. He has repeatedly threatened my husband, myself and the woman I consider my wife. I do not understand why she is still seeing him, but she says she loves him. And the she loves DH. That she doesn't want to choose b/c She'll lose friendsSeriously? You don't want to leave the man who is threatening the other man you love, the man who has put you in danger over and over b/c you'll lose friends? Get a grip sweetheart.

Grrrr, the whole thing upsets me. So to end the night, she asked, in keeping with being open and honest, if DH was okay if she dated both of them. He told her he didn't know. Then later this week told her if it were someone else, he wouldn't care.

So things are still in the air with him, she sent him an e-mail a few days ago saying she couldn't deal with hurting him and she felt she was being forced to make a decision, but she couldn't yet.


So yeah, DH and I are great, DH and g/f are as okay as they can be at the moment. She and are an unknown. I want to like her, but I can't help but fear she'll just keep hurting him.

As for the guy I thought I may start dating, he seems to have fallen off the face of the planet. I've heard through other friends, he is affraid of causing waves with DH and I, but if he can't at least discuss that with me, I feel I'm better off, and moving on with my life.

Hope everyone enjoys what's left of the the weekend. We here in MD are being hit with a record making heat wave, So I have been confortably sitting in my air conditioning. It was 85 at midnight, plus humidity. Crazy!!I can't wait to move back home to Ohio.
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  #70  
Old 06-27-2010, 04:15 PM
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DH and worked things out and are going strong again. Divorce is not what I want. I want my husband. Not the substitute I've had the last year. And he is doing well at repairing that. I am doing better at verbalizing my needs and understanding that he can't read my mind. I am also learning that my insecurities are mine. Yes some of his actions have exasperated them, but they are mine. I am owning that and taking the steps to fix it. I am working out again, eating right, cutting down on smoking, working on my spiritual health and a lot of meditiation. Because ultimately my insecurities manifested themselves into reality because I let them. I refuse to let that be my reality.
Mo- great post! You are such a strong woman. It is sooooo hard to fight the insecurity because we think it is a personal reflection on ourselves when someone isn't meeting all of our expectations or needs...why do we do that? UGH! He isn't the measure of your value! You are a very strong and beautiful person, and I am so glad you are being the bigger person in your situation and remembering she is young and confused and finding her way in this too, and that your life and relationship with your husband is better because you are willing to put in the work to make it the best it can be with all of its ups and downs. You are right, he can't read minds, no one can, and learning to communicate exactly what you need and what your fears are and what you cannot handle or do not want is owning your responsibility to yourself in finding what makes YOU happy and the best version of you. You are refusing to let your reality be anything but on your terms...some compromise and alot of patience and compersion, but on your terms! YOU ARE AWESOME!

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Hope everyone enjoys what's left of the the weekend. We here in MD are being hit with a record making heat wave, So I have been confortably sitting in my air conditioning. It was 85 at midnight, plus humidity. Crazy!!I can't wait to move back home to Ohio
weekend here is HOT too. But nothing like Baltimore. We had a great time. Next time hopefully you will be healthy and able to meet up with us. We loved Fells and had the best pizza in Little Italy. So if we go again meet us at the Cat's Eye...very cool little pub. You may have to deal with some Irish music!LOL! Stay cool in the ac, and keep posting! Love reading your journey.
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