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  #51  
Old 05-25-2010, 05:09 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
*barf* Yech. Blargh.

Selfish!!!

So he gets to have whatever kind of relationship he wants, but if you want the same thing, no dice? Gimme a BREAK!

This kind of attitude just pisses me off. It makes it sound like your husband sees women as sex objects, created solely for his personal arousal and satisfaction. Which explains why he cheats so freely - doesn't respect you or the other women he sleeps with. Objectifies them.

I'm not usually much of a feminist, except when confronted with blatant misogyny like this!
Schrodingers,
I think you misunderstood me. My DH most certaintly does not objectify women and the whole thing about me only getting gf if he can watch was purely a joke that we had. Hence the "LOL" in there. He clearly states to me that it takes a strong person to be able to share their SO's love and while he appreciates and is amazed by how I do it he doesn't know if he would be as strong because he is an extremely jealous type. And I don't argue or push this simply because I am not the least bit interested in becoming poly myself. If I ever met someone that I became interested in, then DH and I have already had that discussion that I would come to him and talk things over. If he is comfortable enough for a very slow friendship to relationship to start then I would do that. But if he can't get comfortable then I would walk away from the secondary. My DH is my whole life and he does anything in the world for me and loves me unconditionally. We just both have our own ways for doing things. And I kind of like that he gets so jealous. It makes me feel very loved and wanted. I know that is wierd. I love him more than life itself. And he feels that by me stepping aside and letting him do this with his life. We know how to show each other our love and this is how we do it.

I don't know how he treated the women before J. I hardly knew them. The only one I met face to face I couldn't care less how he treated her because she was truly a slut and a bitch and I can't stand the mention of her name for what she tried to do to not only my marriage but how she wanted to take over my family completely. But I do know he treated J with respect and always spoke highly of her. In the beginning when I wanted to hate her he wouldn't let me and did everything in his power to point all the blame on himself and then helped me forgive her and become friends with her. So this is another reason I know he completely respects women, especially the ones he loves.
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  #52  
Old 05-25-2010, 06:15 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Well, if you're ok with it then far be it for me to tell you what's right.

One thing I do know is that when I brought up poly with my husband, his one adamant thing was that I was free to have whatever kinds of relationships I wanted - as long as he was, too. He also said at the time that he didn't even really want other relationships, that one was more than enough work... but it was important to him that he be allowed to have the same things I wanted.

Even though you don't want other relationships, the fact that your husband has said it would be so difficult for him is a good reason for him to work through it, as a thought experiment and practice. It's one thing to say "it's really difficult what you're doing, I couldn't" ... but if he tried, it would give him motivation to keep his own behaviour in check, a proper first-hand respect for what you're going through. After all, why should you be the only one to do all the hard work?
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 05-25-2010 at 06:19 AM.
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  #53  
Old 05-25-2010, 06:48 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It's one thing to say "it's really difficult what you're doing, I couldn't" ... but if he tried, it would give him motivation to keep his own behaviour in check, a proper first-hand respect for what you're going through. After all, why should you be the only one to do all the hard work?
Interesting point. I know there is a difference in feeling jealous about something and feeling insecure about a situation or relationship. It is pretty empowering to face those fears, work through them as you mentioned and come out of it with whole new outlook on life and one's own self-actualization. I applaud AK for being able to allow herself to experience this and grow as a person because of her bravery in sticking to it. I am not so sure her DH could do the same, I would hope that he would make the effort. I don't know if 2R can really do it...although he shares me with my husband they are not working on their relationship at all, nor do they ever want the other mentioned in any collegial way. Hopefully that changes. I am not so sure I could be as diligent or stalwart in my efforts if another person was added to the mix. Maybe I could. But it would be a mighty struggle. My plate seems very full at the moment. I wonder if P decided to add someone how I would handle that dynamic? Or if 2R had the crazy notion he had one more minute to spare for maintaing another romantic interest? What if KT or I added another to our little association? YIKES! Too much bouncing around in the brain at nearly 3am! ARGH! Anyway good job to both AK and KT for working so hard!
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  #54  
Old 05-25-2010, 12:26 PM
2rings 2rings is offline
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Default Are you nuts!

No, I will not be looking to add another romantic interest, MG. You and KT are have probably taken 10 years off my life in the last year. Two is plenty.
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  #55  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:35 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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No, I will not be looking to add another romantic interest, MG. You and KT are have probably taken 10 years off my life in the last year. Two is plenty.
Hmmmm since you act and dress like a 70 year old man then I guess I should talk KT into uppin the life insurance policy on ya...one foot in my friend!
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  #56  
Old 05-26-2010, 03:16 AM
michelleandray michelleandray is offline
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Default To SchrodingersCat

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
*barf* Yech. Blargh.

Selfish!!!

So he gets to have whatever kind of relationship he wants, but if you want the same thing, no dice? Gimme a BREAK!

This kind of attitude just pisses me off. It makes it sound like your husband sees women as sex objects, created solely for his personal arousal and satisfaction. Which explains why he cheats so freely - doesn't respect you or the other women he sleeps with. Objectifies them.

I'm not usually much of a feminist, except when confronted with blatant misogyny like this!
I normally don't post on here...I read the board solely to keep in touch with how AK is feeling about everything, but when I read this I couldn't keep quiet, and she does know that I am planning to post in response.

Her husband is one of the best men that I have ever met. I am submissive by nature and have been objectified - with my consent - on many occassions. However, her husband has never made me feel that way and if you - for even one second - think that he does not respect his wife or me, you are sadly mistaken. I have seen him do everything in his power to take the blame for things so that neither of us has any harsh feelings toward the other one for anything going on. Not only does he respect both of us...he is very careful to make sure that each of us knows that.

While I will never agree with the double standards with which AK and I are both living now, our respective husbands are still amazing men. I truly believe that if AK found someone she was interested in pursuing this life with - although she has been perfectly clear in letting people know, that is not what she wants right now - that her DH would sit down and talk things through with her. They WOULD find a way to make it work because their love and RESPECT for each other is that strong. I hope that if she does find someone, that I will be here to help both of them through the transition period, because it will be an adjustment for both of them. I also believe that my DH and I will be able to get back to that point as well.

I think what annoyed me the most about your comments is that you are taking what was obviously a joke and making a judgement about a man that you know absolutely nothing about. I will agree that he hasn't always made the best decisions...neither have I, as evidenced by the pain that we caused AK...and I am sure that you have made some bad decisions yourself. But to make a judgement about him based only on those decisions is not fair to him.

I'm sorry if I offended everyone, but I can't sit back and let him be attacked even if he doesn't read this board to know that he is being attacked.

J
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  #57  
Old 05-26-2010, 05:09 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleandray View Post
I normally don't post on here...I read the board solely to keep in touch with how AK is feeling about everything, but when I read this I couldn't keep quiet, and she does know that I am planning to post in response.

Her husband is one of the best men that I have ever met. I am submissive by nature and have been objectified - with my consent - on many occassions. However, her husband has never made me feel that way and if you - for even one second - think that he does not respect his wife or me, you are sadly mistaken. I have seen him do everything in his power to take the blame for things so that neither of us has any harsh feelings toward the other one for anything going on. Not only does he respect both of us...he is very careful to make sure that each of us knows that.

While I will never agree with the double standards with which AK and I are both living now, our respective husbands are still amazing men. I truly believe that if AK found someone she was interested in pursuing this life with - although she has been perfectly clear in letting people know, that is not what she wants right now - that her DH would sit down and talk things through with her. They WOULD find a way to make it work because their love and RESPECT for each other is that strong. I hope that if she does find someone, that I will be here to help both of them through the transition period, because it will be an adjustment for both of them. I also believe that my DH and I will be able to get back to that point as well.

I think what annoyed me the most about your comments is that you are taking what was obviously a joke and making a judgement about a man that you know absolutely nothing about. I will agree that he hasn't always made the best decisions...neither have I, as evidenced by the pain that we caused AK...and I am sure that you have made some bad decisions yourself. But to make a judgement about him based only on those decisions is not fair to him.

I'm sorry if I offended everyone, but I can't sit back and let him be attacked even if he doesn't read this board to know that he is being attacked.

J
LOL,
I wouldn't cross my girl. Forget a kitten, she's a bit of a tiger. Mreow! Love ya J.
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  #58  
Old 06-06-2010, 07:18 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Well we are finaly home. The wedding I officiated and husband was best man for, went off without any problems. Had a lot of fun quality time with my family. My husbands family went off the deepend with their antics, but that's what they do and why we only see them once a yr to see his brothers. Spent the night tonight with Husband and his girlfriend, and two other close friends. Things with the guy that kissed me at the party are still weird. He's still afraid that it will cause problems and sending all kinds of mixed signals and I'm feeling like a freaking highschooler wanting to have my friend ask if he likes me How pathetic is that?

It'll take me a bit to catch up on everything on here, but I hope everyone had a good few weeks.
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  #59  
Old 06-09-2010, 06:32 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Default Now I really don't know what I'm doing.

So husbands girlfriend was over for the evening, he is driving her home now. We had a great dinner together and I made a smores type dessert. We watched some movies and cuddled a bit. It was over all a good night.

At some point during the evening my husband pulled me outside to tell me he thought G/f wanted to have sex tonight (we have a no sex agreement for the moment while we straighten the whole after lieing and afair thing out) and he didn't think she wanted just him. He wanted to know if I was ready for that, and that he wouldn't push it was up to me.

I was thrilled. I knew things would move forward, I just didn't expect it this fast. And I really have no idea if I'm ready. If I listen to my hormones, I was ready tonight, but I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret it. I want their relationship and our relationship together to be someting beautiful. Not marred by my thinking I'm ready when I'm not. I don't know what is holding me back. Shouldn't I be thrilled that they want to share their first time back together with me? And I am. Which is why I am so freaking confused. Something in me is setting off slow down alarms, but I don't know what it is so I don't know what else needs to occur for me to be comfortable.

So while watching movies we snuggled in bed together. She and I held hands and flirted a bit, he kissed us both and I felt comfortable with all of it. More than comfortable but I still wouldn't let things progress. And I can't figure out why.

Has anyone been where I am? Anyone have any opinions on the matter? B/c I am usualy pretty in tune with myself and this not knowing is driving me crazy.
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  #60  
Old 06-09-2010, 12:19 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default Been there, done that

Hey Mo,

Before DH and J went their own way with things we did the whole threesome thing. Little did I know there were some sexual exchanges with them that did not include me at the time as well. As far as I know it was nothing physical but there were some emails that I found.

But anyway, after I found out about them and all of his lies I told them both I would not participate anymore. I was too furious and hurt and betrayed. It was the one thing I had asked. To be included. But he got to the point again where he didn't want me included and he cheated again. Then as things progressed, truths started coming out and we were working through things such as me knowing about them and me consenting to them continuing their relationship and him having his poly life I began to calm down.

They both started mentioning they wouldn't mind if I joined again. I felt very awkward and unsure if that was what I wanted to do. I had so much fun before the cheating. But I was burned so hard when they went ahead without me, despite all the talking. I didn't want to feel like an intruder. I didn't know if I was ready to watch them, knowing they were in love this time. I didn't want to feel ok one minute and do this and then the next morning be all freaked out and introverted, afraid I would just make him mad and he wouldn't want me anymore.

So some more time passed and the three of us started talking about it a little more. My hormones started getting the urges a little more. J and I were on better grounds. I was still very hurt but I was more scared than hurt at this point. What if I just froze up in the middle of a threeway. That would be horrible. I could never face either of them again. But I finally decided to go for it. And so we did. And we had a great night. I was so nervous the entire drive over there. DH kept offering to turn back. I kept saying no. I am stubborn like that. My head was screaming CANCEL! What am I doing?! I am just making a fool of myself! They don't need me here. They don't want me here. They are just being nice. They just feel guilty. And I am so stupid for even going forward with all of this!

But we got there. It was very awkward at first. We just kind of laid there naked snuggled up for awhile. I didn't know how to start and it felt like all my knowledge of sex had gone out the window. I tend to crack jokes when I am nervous. And I talk jibberish. Which is exactly what I did. And we laughed. DH touched us both intimately. J kept making sure we were both doing ok. So between the three of we started to ease and things just kind of happened from there.

I had my insecurities afterwards. Not going to lie here. I had my questions for myself and I judged myself. But I had fun. I did not freeze up in the middle of it. It was hard watching them but it was also the first time getting back into it. The fears I had of him giving her all his attention or giving me all of his attention and making her feel bad didn't happen. We all talked alot the next couple of days. And things felt back on track. It didn't necessarily make his nights with her easier. But I felt a little more included in this part of his life. Especially since I am not poly. But it felt like I could enjoy this lifestyle with him by doing this from time to time.

Basically, do it when you are ready. Don't push yourself. And even when you are ready you will be a nervous wreck so it will come down to trusting him to handle things fairly, delicately and equally. Let me know if you need anything.
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