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  #481  
Old 12-16-2010, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Hugs to you Mo....I feel for you...I really do. It'll get better. I promise.
thanks. I know it will. It always does.

This week has just sucked.

I haven't really had a dream at all while I've been here. Until last night. Dec 11th would have been my friend Larry's 28th birthday, but he was killed by a drunk driver when we were in highschool.

Last night I relieved his entire memorial service and funeral, with the added twist of getting lost in the church and being chased by ghosts asking for help.I don't usualy see faces, I get impressions. But I saw larry lying in the casket his eyes were closed, but it felt like he was looking right at me. They had a gauzy type sheet over his open casket during the real funeral, because his injuries distorted his appearance so much. But last night in the dream, there was no sheet.

Then I found out I had no work til tuesday, was all excited to spend the whole weekend with Karma, then found out he wasn't coming til saturday, then found out that Cricket and another set of friends hadn't paid him the gas money owed to him and he had to dip into the money set aside for gas to get to ohio, so now he's $40 short on gas money to get here. Then he agrees to come in on friday and we'll spend the majority of the time he's here as us time but we gotta get him here first.

Add to that the drama with him and Cricket, and me and Cricket, the fact that I miss him terribly, that I am taking EVERYTHING personaly and as an attack. My dad can't do anything around the house and my mom is working so it is all falling on me, including shoveling the drive b/c the snowblower won't work, and loading /unloading my dads 10 huge heavy bags full of ppr work he needs for work everynight.

I'm just at my wits end. My nerves are shot, my emotional capacity is shot. I have no idea what is reasonable and what is not. I'm fighting anxiety and panic everyday.

I'm not myself and I hate it.

I had thought when Karma first told me about the affairs, of looking up an ex here in ohio. I even tracked down his office number, but never used it.

I'm starting to wish I had. Not because I am interested in starting anything, I don't do long distance very well (as if you hadn't figured that out) but more just to have someone here to hold me and distract me. Someone outside of family to connect with. But I kind of knew that when I looked him up in the first place, and to me that felt like using him, so I never did anything with it. And this would be using him as well. So I guess its better the way it is. One more day and Karma will be here and we can work on us, enjoy our time together, spoil our niece and just chill out. My brother already has beer in the fridge waiting for Karma so he can escape my parents house.
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  #482  
Old 12-16-2010, 02:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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This might seem trite, but all I could think of while reading your last post was: "bubble bath." It always helps me. Give yourself some pleasant "me time," light some candles and get into a tub of bubbles. Let the stress go!
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  #483  
Old 12-16-2010, 04:53 PM
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I feel as you do Mo. No separation. If I was ever separate for any length of time or forced to have an LDR, I would be done pretty fast, only because I am a touch and smell seeking missile. Sight and hearing mean less to me in terms of closeness and connection.
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  #484  
Old 12-16-2010, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I feel as you do Mo. No separation. If I was ever separate for any length of time or forced to have an LDR, I would be done pretty fast, only because I am a touch and smell seeking missile. Sight and hearing mean less to me in terms of closeness and connection.
It's not only the distance that can cause that feeling of separation. After being apart for a while you just expect that you can just pick up where you left off but it doesn't always work. While you're apart you're both living and changing and when you're back together the changes can be jarring. Over the past few years of spending time apart from my husband I have found that the learning to be together again is far more difficult than living apart is. (Although it's worth it which is why we keep doing it).
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  #485  
Old 12-16-2010, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
But more and more I am told my feelings are wrong, my thoughts behind those felings are wrong, my way of looking at things is wrong, and that really fucking hurts.

Because I am sick of hurting and being hurt, I am sick being angry, I am sick of worrying, and I am SICK of crying every Fing day.
Your feelings are not wrong, the the thoughts behind things are not wrong and your way of looking at things is not wrong.

You are YOU and you have the right to feel how you feel.

I understand this. Being told (it felt like) constantly that I was irrational and unreasonable was hell. Being afraid of opening up, talking about what was going on only to be told that its "not a big deal" and I need to "let things go and stop holding grudges" made me doubt and question myself.

Your feelings are real. They are valid. There is nothing WRONG about how you feel or think.

(((HUGS)))
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  #486  
Old 12-16-2010, 07:05 PM
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((Hugs)) What MBG said.

My husband and I had to learn how to communicate these feelings to each other. We still struggle with wording things so the other gets it, without getting competely defensive. We both assume too much with out getting all the facts first. I accuse and he excuses.

He comes from the view point, that if it wasn't his intention to be hurtful then I have no right to be hurt by it, no matter what he actually said or did. He still has a hard time realizing that a simple "I'm sorry, that was never my intention, what I ment to say was..." would solve a good portion of our arguements and hurt feelings.
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  #487  
Old 12-16-2010, 07:24 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
He comes from the view point, that if it wasn't his intention to be hurtful then I have no right to be hurt by it, no matter what he actually said or did. He still has a hard time realizing that a simple "I'm sorry, that was never my intention, what I ment to say was..." would solve a good portion of our arguements and hurt feelings.
Or the viewpoint of "I'm over it, why aren't you yet?"

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  #488  
Old 12-16-2010, 07:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Or the viewpoint of "I'm over it, why aren't you yet?"

Oh Yeah, I get that one too.
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  #489  
Old 12-17-2010, 03:54 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I'm realy proud of Karma. He's processing some really hard stuff. I just hope I am able to give him the support he needs. And give the advice he is seeking.
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  #490  
Old 12-17-2010, 04:00 PM
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For those who care to know, please read my blog. NOTE: This is a shameless plug to get some freakin advice, or at least some alternative points of view and support that I need right now.

And thank you, love. It means more to me right now than you may be aware of.
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