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  #421  
Old 11-09-2010, 06:43 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
And here we are. Not only can I be in her presence but I miss her when I'm not. Karma and I are better than we've been in years. My pain has been healed.
Mo these words made me tear up. Honestly, very emotional and big smile for you. It has been amazing to read and "witness" your journey. Thank you for inspiring anyone who reads your blog.
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  #422  
Old 11-11-2010, 08:58 AM
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I realized tonight, that I am incredibly selfish...and I don't care.

I deserve to be. I've fought through hell to be where I am. And it's not all sunshine and flowers, but it's my life. MINE.

Had a much needed cry tonight. Been holding a lot in with no way to get rid of it. I can't even workout b/c I'll hurt something.

But for the most part, I feel better. I've always been one to hurry through things to get to the good part. But right now I want time to go as slow as it can. A month from today I'll be in Ohio and Karma will be here. He says I need to prove to myself that I can make it through it.

I know I can. But I feel like I shouldn't have to. We've never been a part more than 4 days. Why does it need to start now?

And while it's no ones "fault" I can't help but be upset that i'll be there with no one to hold me, no one to kiss goodnight, and he'll have Cricket.

I honestly think we need the time apart. But that doesn't mean I'm okay with it.

I find myself wishing I had kept in better contact with a few exes. But they'd only be space filler, and I detest doing that to someone.

So yeah, right now I'm kind of annoyed with poly life, yet thankful. I'm glad he has someone, that he won't be alone while I'll gone. I don't want him to be lonely. But I selfishly wish he had no reason to stay here and would come with me.
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  #423  
Old 11-11-2010, 10:05 PM
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Even if Cricket wan't part of the picture now, I still wouldn't want to spend a month there. And we still couldn't leave the cats alone for a month straight. Starving kitties is a bad thing.
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  #424  
Old 11-11-2010, 11:02 PM
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So do I take the job that will last 3 wks and put me closer to my family, be in my field, and give me a reference for the baking world or do I take the job that will last 8 weeks or more, is baby sitting a 10 month old and allows me to stay here with Karma and go home for a few days at Christmas?

Grrrrr!!!!! I dunno what to do. I feel like Karma is pushing for the Job in Ohio, but the one here sounds like a more productive plan. What's a 3 week job in my field when I could land an 8 wk job that will help pay some bills and possibly end up being a permanent thing.

I think I want to stay. It's more money in the long run and a chance of it lasting longer. I don't see 3 wks of icing cookies to be worth all the stress and drama.

But for now I have other things to deal with. Just went to cook and found a roach in my cupboard. Damn neighbors!!!! I'm to disgusted to eat right now. When Karma gets out of the shower we are tearing the kitchen apart. I never even knew what they looked like until I moved in here. I wish we could move. I've so had it with this place!!!!

Last edited by Mohegan; 11-11-2010 at 11:26 PM.
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  #425  
Old 11-12-2010, 03:17 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Hmmm, when I think of things like that is with cost vs. value. How much is it going to cost me physically, emotionally, spiritually vs. fianaciall gain and experience.

That's how I weigh out my decisions.

Personally, I
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  #426  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:38 AM
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Well I weighed pro's and con's and talked it over with Karma and we are meeting the family I will nanny for on Saturday. 3 days a week, 24 hrs total watching a 10 month old and light housekeeping. I'm not looking forward to the 8am but I need the job.

It really is a better situation when I look at all the stress involved of going to Ohio. I was really looking forward to a real winter, extra time with my family and all that, but I can't turn this down. We need that income. Plus it's possibly a long term thing depending on if their old nanny returns in the new year. The bakery was for 3 wks and then I was jobless again.

So now I get to continue seeing my boy without the drama of being away from him, and we just might be able to pay bills in December.


I've noticed that tramadol seems to make me bitchy. It's all I have pain pill wise and I've needed it this week. But after going without it for so long, I've noticed a huge attitude shift this week and I don't like it.

I'm sure all the stress is adding to it.

Looking forward to working out again. My living room is clean and I'm ready to start doing some light exercise. I've decided to stop setting goals as with all my medical issues, I just disapoint myself. So I'm just going to work out as long as I can, on days I feel good, and not beat myself up over not following this plan or that plan or losing this amount by this day.

As far as our poly life goes, I'm still working on fighting some demons. I'm finding that certain things are triggering some issues and were making me question if our Happy Healthy Sane rule was not being met. Karma assures me that things are being worked on and the rule is being met, so I will stand back and let things be.

It's just very hard to be objective when it appears to me that the most important thing in my life is being treated as I think he should. But it's his relationship and if things are okay for him, then I'll let it be. I love him and I want him to be happy.

I still like Cricket, it's nothing like that. It's just that I was feeling like certain needs weren't being met. Like maybe right now just isn't the right time for them.

Hopefully my view on that changes as things progress and the changes talked about are made.
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  #427  
Old 11-13-2010, 04:03 AM
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Help!!!

I've made a list of pros and cons and the bakery is winning.

I don't really like the contract I just read over for the nanny job, nor do I think I will physicaly be able to do the housework they expect.

The bakery provides less pay but better hrs, and experience in my field.

My biggest issue is that with the nanny job, I'm here with Karma and we get 5 days in Ohio.

With the bakery I'm away from him for 15 days but I get a month to do all the things I used to with my family.

I get a real winter,holiday shopping together, decorating the tree with my brother like we used to before I moved. And of course, 4wks with my neice!!

So which do I choose? What do I do? Do I leave my husband for longest time we've ever been apart for family time and a job I'll love. Or do I saccrafice family time to spend time with my husband and take a job with better pay but crappy hours that may take a toll on my body?
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  #428  
Old 11-13-2010, 08:20 AM
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After 8 years and the storms we have weathered together, I'm pretty sure we can handle two weeks apart. Yes, it'll suck. I honestly don't know if the silence is going to drive me up the wall. I will miss you being with me.

But, after our talk, I think we agree that this is the way to go.

You'll be fine, I have faith in you. Now, begin your quest towards domination of the cookie/cake/pastry world!!!

I love you
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  #429  
Old 11-14-2010, 12:49 AM
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Erato Erato is offline
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I wouldn't go for a job that I didn't think I was up to - or that would potentially injure me or aggravate physical or emotional illness for me.

That's just one of my priorities. Also, doing a job you love is awesome.

I hope you can find a good balance and a decision you can be at peace with. Good luck!
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  #430  
Old 11-14-2010, 06:55 AM
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Goddess Bless my brother!! We spent two hours on the phone tonight and he has so many plans for while I'm home my heads gonna spin!

My parents bought a little fiberoptic Christmas Tree when my brother moved out. and as years have passed, the holiday spirit has shrank along with the tree.

So my brother and I have decided that we're going all out this year since I'll be home and my neice will be old enough to enjoy it.

My parents gave Karma and I the old big tree when we moved and it doesn't fit in our apartment so it's in storage in Ohio. We are going to go get it and set it up, decorate the house and do the outside lights, one day while the 'rents are at work.

And we're doing a day of cookies at his house including all the old favorites that don't get made anymore. My niece will have the job we had when we were her age, sitting in a high chair chopping nuts in the enclosed food chopper. i'm bringing home all my decorating gear so she'll prolly decorate some sugar cookies too.

Then we are driving around to see lights and when Karma joins us we're all going to Frankenmooth Michigan to the Bronners Christmas store.

I have a play date scheduled for my niece and a friend of mine and her little boy. They get along really well so I'm excited for some girl time while the kids play.

I'm still gonna miss Karma. No doubt about it. But my brother is making sure that my free time is filled.

In other news I baked a ton of cookies tonight. I am sending some to the bakery so they can see my work. And my prof is letting me take my exam early so I will start work on Dec 7th.

Karma and Cricket are finaly getting some alone time tonight. I've been worried about how little time they are getting and how she seems to be pulling away from him. Hopefully they are having a good night.

I made a list of boundries last night. Karma and I went over them and he is okay with all of them. Not happy about the no overnights rule, but she still hasn't gotten the STD test and I am not dealing with an "ooops". So no over nights. Other than that he was fine with all of it, including spending his first day in Ohio with me, instead of taking off to see his brother and friends. He said he was already planning on that. Which made me happy. It's hard for me to think I am important enough to anyone to be missed. Including my husband.

I think I'll be okay with this. I know I'll miss him, but I feel better after going over the boundries and having him agree to them. It's a test of our trust issues. That's the hardest part. But I have to have faith that we've worked this hard and come this far, that he'll continue to be open and honest and respect my wishes.
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