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  #411  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:05 AM
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Raspberry and wine and toast to a better New Year.

Doesn't make me feel better, but at least it tastes good.

I don't do well with change. And so much is changing right now.

I need to clear my head and I have no where to go to do that anymore.
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  #412  
Old 11-03-2010, 01:29 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I am only one, but still I am
one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because
I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can
do. ~Helen Keller


I'm not sure how else to put into words what I am feeling at the moment.
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  #413  
Old 11-03-2010, 10:11 AM
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Panda made it her new home. They get the keys at 8am today. I'm happy for them. Glad they made it safe. Did my typical shut down. Just locked up the emotions to be dealt with at a later date. Not exactly healthy, but it does in an odd way work for me. When things are a bit more stable, I'll have a day or two of tears and pain, but for now I have other things to deal with.

Like driving to get my car when Ohio is expecting snow. I love snow. Winter is my second favorite season (fall is first). But after making this trip 8 times in two weeks and one of those involving Kamakazi deer, I am so not looking forward to snow. Hopefully it doesn't hit til we get the car. Cuz there is no weight in the rental truck and we have no snow experience in a truck that big.

I'm doing better with the issue of my last few vague posts. I just feel like Karma is making some changes that don't need to be made. That he is being pushed to change who he is, and I don't like it. And I don't understand how he can be okay with it.

But after some talking I've decided there is nothing I can do about it other than trust that he is right and is making the decisions based on his desires and not that of others.

And because of that I'm feeling kinda pushed aside. He says if he goes to far or forgets who he is, I'm to remind him. But anymore I feel like he doesn't listen to what I say, so I fear it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I guess some old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads again. Time to go demon hunting again apparently.
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  #414  
Old 11-04-2010, 08:10 AM
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I think I definitaly have some personal demons to fight. I find myself gettign agitated over little things. Almost back to the line of jealousy. It's really frustrating to have come so far and fall back to this.

I have some idea of where it's coming from. Karma and I talked last night about him not talking with me and not listening to what I say. I do understand now why it seems that way.

But it's hard when it feels like other opinions matter more than that of your spouse. And then when you no longer turn to your spouse for support, your spouse will start to feel replaced.

It's not even just with Cricket. He did with Panda, and his brother as well. And I'm left standing here going "what the hell just happened? Did you not listen to me when I said the same thing hrs/days ago?"

But he does hear me. He just doesn't give me the acknowledgment I guess I need.

Which leaves me feeling un-needed and replaced.

It's out there now. He knows how I'm feeling and I know why he appears to not listen or respect what I've said. So now we need to work on that.

And I need to work on fighting those demons.
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  #415  
Old 11-04-2010, 02:06 PM
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It's all a process. Don't beat yourself up about it. The good thing is you have the ability to be self-reflective, you realize where you are, and that there 'is' something to work on.

I'm glad you two were able to share your concerns with each other in-depth and hopefully that will assist you in your journey. *hugs*
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  #416  
Old 11-05-2010, 04:06 PM
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If Mo doesn't get up soon to take me to the doctor, I seriously think my eardrum is going to rupture from sinus pressure. I wish I was joking....

Why do I always agree to come back to this state?
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  #417  
Old 11-06-2010, 05:31 AM
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It's snowing!!!!!!! I loves it so much!!!!! I was driving home from my brothers, watching the little flakes dance in the street lights and land on my window and just felt joy. I was at peace. I'm home. Where I belong. I had just seen my brother and my neice and it was snowing. I teared up a bit, because I miss this. I miss snow dancing its way to the ground. I miss my brother only being 10 minutes down the road. I miss the parents that I had tonight. The ones I can laugh with, joke with, get advice from without feeling like the worst person alive. I'm home, and tomorrow I have to leave it all again.

Karma is sick. Thankfuly he has chosen to stay in tonight. He is so pale. Now normaly my little goth boy is pale, but has rosey cheeks. Not tonight. But he does seem to be feeling better than this morning.

I have my interview tomorrow. Mixed feelings. I desperately need the job. But can I be away from Karma that long? Not just b/c of insecurities, but because we've never been apart more than a few days. Two-three weeks seems like a life time right now.

I had thought of doing this over the summer and knew we were not strong enough for that. But we've come so far. I know we will make it through. But I don't know how I'll do it. I cry when he leaves for a 2 day camping trip.

And no, I'm not so dependant on him that I can't be away. I can function on my own. I did for years. But when you become so used to having someone there everyday. Having their energy around you. Good night kisses. Hugs. Something is missing when those things aren't happening.

I know I can do it, I just don't want to.

shit, even when we were broken up before we got married, we still didn't spend more than a few days apart.

So aside from that train of thought. I saw my neice tonight. Her new favorite movie is "Music Music" translated for the non-19 month olds-The sound of music. She goes off and plays while the speaking parts are on, but as soon as the music starts she in the middle of the floor glued to the tv. Sometimes she dances, sometimes she tries to sing along, and she always claps for the performance once it's over.

When I walked in the door I was greeted with her nickname for Karma. When I explained he was sleeping cuz he was sick she puts her arms up and says "Oh (karma) sick". For the next hour or so she would randomly come up to me for a hug and kiss and then ask for "Unc (Karma)". and then tell me "He sick". Oh I so love that child.

As far as my poly-life goes. I'm processing. I'm still feeling a bit forgotten about. I'm getting plenty of time, but not acknowledgment. Some of it is me over reacting and being over emotional. And some of it is him. We're working on it.

I miss Cricket. I feel our connection slipping. Both because of her and Karmas recent fights, and because I just haven't seen her. I saw her for a little bit at Pandas, but it wasn't actual time together.

Oh and sadly I got my car back today. It's all nice and shiney and new. But damn I miss that truck already. Today was the first I drove it the whole time we had it. And I fell in love, more so than I already was. May look for something similar when it's time to put Karmas truck down. (Yes I called jezabel your truck, happy? )
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  #418  
Old 11-06-2010, 09:11 AM
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First off, you spell her name 'Jezebel", and second, we do not "put her down" like some kind of unwanted dog! That truck has saved my life - literally - at least twice that I can think of.

Yes, one day she will no longer be repairable, but hopefully not for a long, long while. Although, I have to admit, I wouldn't mind having her and that Silverado Why the hell do we need the Taurus, anyway? We don't have kids, why can't we have two awesome trucks?
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  #419  
Old 11-07-2010, 06:33 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I named her before you were even in the picture. So it's spelled how I want to spell it.

____________________________________________

We made it back to MD. I feel like crap. Not sick again. Just in a ton of pain.

Lot's of stuff floating in my head tonight. Waiting for the pain pills to knock me into oblivion.
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  #420  
Old 11-09-2010, 10:06 AM
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6 months into this and I find myself quite happy with where we are.

I just commented on a few threads posted by some newbies and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I don't know if I was helpful. But it felt good to have come this far and to be the one helping for a change.

I like being able to give back, to pay back for all the help and insight we've recieved.

I'm sure from time to time I'll still need advice or a plce to vent. But I have to say it feels good to be here.

I look back on the last 6 months and am just amazed at where we are.

I never thought I'd be able to accept Cricket, let alone be friends with her.

But here I sit, missing her. It's been too long since we hung out last.

I never thought I'd be concerned for their relationship.

But here I sit, worried about the lack of time they have had together lately.

I wonder if there is something going on behind the scenes or if they really are just victims of an over scheduled calandar.

6 months ago I was wanting the pain to go away. To feel comfortable enough in my own home to be able to leave my bedroom when they were here together. I wanted to be able to sleep in my own bed with being tortured of the thoughts of them being there together. I wanted to be able to have some semblance of a relationship with her. At least the ability to be in her presence without negative emotion. I wanted to feel important to my husband. I wanted to know he felt guilty for what he did to me. I wanted to know he would do whatever it took to make it up to me.

And here we are. Not only can I be in her presence but I miss her when I'm not. Karma and I are better than we've been in years. My pain has been healed. My trust in my husband, recovered as much it can in the amount of time we've had.

Hell I'm going to be away from him for 15 days in December and I'm bothered by the time apart. I have some worry of him respecting my wish to not have them sleep together in out bed. But for the most part, I trust him. 6 months ago, I didn't trust him enough for me to go to school for 5 hrs without him having someone here.

I was right to not trust him. But now I have no reason for that.

There are still things that take some work, some time, some feeling out and walkign through, but there always will be. If it were perfect, we'd get bored.

I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I can look back and be proud of where we are instead of overwhelmed by the pain.
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