Which way to turn?

[Mohegan]

Called off work today. Fibro is outta control and three nights of panic attacks have taken their toll.

I've taken my anxiety meds, hopefuly they work.

I love how when g/f calls in a panic, he spends hrs on the phone with her.

When I call I get "do you know why?" and silence. I asked when he was coming home and was told he was enjoying a bonfire and would be home when he sobered up.

Feeling really alone and confused and lost at the moment.

Of course I don't want him to drive when he's been drinking, but it seemed like I was interupting his night and he didn't care that I needed him.

Don't tell me to call if I need something, and then not follow through.

[Livingmybestlife]

Hugs! Mo, panic attacks are so hard! I have been experiencing them for years. I have a great deal of empathy for you. It is so frightening to be afraid and truly unable to ground yourself.

I am sorry your not feeling supported.

[KatTails]

((((HUGS)))) to you Mo! I'm sorry you are going through this and that your needs are not being met. The balancing act that hinges have to go through is extremely difficult. However - you are his wife and he should put your needs above hers. I hope he sobered up and came home to be with you.

I'm sure you two will be able to talk about this and work things out so you don't feel like this again!

[Mohegan]

I have a lot to update, but for now. I am in a better frame of mind. Karma and I had a long talk when he got home. I shut down more than I thought and he really didn't know how bad it was. We are heading to faire to see friends and take my mind off things. Will fill you all in later. Thanks for the support.

[Mohegan]

Wow!! What a weekend!!

So Friday the guy that was training me did a not so sneaky breast grab, I then found out that my position isn't classified as cashier, it's a "hidden" position so they can save on numbers and put me whereever they want, then found out that there are no full time positions, yet plenty of people working full time-their way of not paying benefits- and was told to get used to it, come holiday season I'd be on 40 hrs too, was then told that for my 9 hr day on sat I would be out in the 80 degree heat setting people up for oil changes and tires, when told that won't happen, due to my meds I can't be in the heat like that- was once again told to suck it up.

Came home, went to bed.

Called off Saturday. Mix of fibro attack, panic attack and just exhaustion.

Karma spent a few hours with me then off he went to see G/F. Fine whatever, I told them they could have work hours, so why should be calling off change that? Called Karma around midnight to tell I took and anxiety med. Didn't do so well with communicating that I needed him.

He FINALY came home around 3 am, read my post, got mad and then we got to talking. By 7 he had drug everything out of me and we decided I was done, I quit, and would deal with it Monday. Sunday he was going to Darkon then we were going to Faire to see friends and have a good time.

Woke up today and had a pretty good time at Ren faire. there was some Drama but whatever.

Came home and decided we were both in too much pain to cook, went to a diner for their $6 meals. After ordering, realized he left the debit card in his wallet, in his garb, at home. He left to go get it. Comes back all weird.

Girlfriend had e-mailed me earlier in the day to say she had read my blog, had some questions, all seemed cool and calm, I messaged back that when I got home and could think, I'd respond.

Well apparently while driving home to get the card they talked, and she was PISSED, at what she had read.

He comes back and fills me in, and wow did that place get some entertainment. I went OFF!!!!! I was being accused of purposely pushing buttons, being catty, being a bitch, and the constant I;ve made my mind up about her and won't give her a chance thing. Oh and my favorite, I'm playing games. I wish I had known it was going on, I'd have sold tickets to the customers to witness my rant, and poor Karma being stuck in the middle.

Got home, she IM's him that she's sorry if she pissed him off but she's sick of my games, he tells her she can tell me that and hands me the computer. We then yelled a bit back and forth and 2 hrs later if not more, were discussing making plans to hang out and her first post on here and what to say.

Basicaly we have different context for the same words, lots of miscommunication, playing telephone through Karma, her fearing confrontation and me apparently coming off as a condescending bitch. I think we worked through most of it. Part of it was Karma encouraging her to stand up to me and fight back. I didn't want a fight, I just wanted SOMETHING other than blank stares. She took a lot of what I say personaly, when in fact much of it was generalizations. She felt I didn't find her worthy of being with Karma when I asked what he saw in her, when in fact I was asking because I wanted to know. I wanted to know what was inside the shell of a person I saw. It had nothing to do with being worthy, and everything to do with wanting to understand her.

She doesn't know me, to trust that coming to me with an issue, won't result in me saying they can't be together anymore. I tried to emphasize that had I wanted to break them up/ veto their relationship, that wold have happened long before now. Now I see that she does care about him and isn't out to hurt him. All 3 rules (happy, healthy, sane) are being met, so I have no need to veto.

I dunno if I made my point or not. I guess time will tell.

I do look forward to having her posting on here. I hope she gets the same awesome feedback I get. I know the friends I've made on here have been really helpful in putting things in perspective.

And we promised no more telephone through Karma. We promised to talk things out, or IM things out as the case may be.

So tomorrow, Karma and I are going to call the state prosecuter to see if I have any grounds to file a complaint on any of the issues at work. We are then job hunting. But given the pain I am in right now, the job hunting may not happen til tuesday, we shall see.

And thanks to Living My Best Life- I now have better mid panic attack communication. Karma and I are going to discuss a set of code words. So If I can't really spell out everything, but need him home, I can tell him that, and he'll know he needs to come home, like NOW.

Still have some residual anxiety and panic, and some nervousness over tomorrow. I hate that I shut down instead of standing up for myself. that is so NOT me and I don't know why it happened. But I am doing something now, so hopefuly it does some good.

Once again, I don't know that g/f and I will be the best of friends, but at least the line of communication is open. We had our first real conversation since this whole thing started. So even though it started out shitty, it ended on a good note.

So now I am going to snuggle with my boy. Apologize again for making him look like the bad guy last night. (yes 3 am was a little much, but I didn't exactly tell him I needed him, I had shut so far down, apparently long before this weekend, that he had no idea where I was mentaly.) And hopefully get a good nights sleep.


I think that sums up my weekend. It's all kind of blur now.

[Livingmybestlife]

Mo,

Always here on the panic attack front. I am very very lucky to have a pscyhologist who understands me. She is also awesome at helping someone through the most horrible situation imaginable.

Critical is to give an intial alert, so that Karma is aware there is potential for a full blown code call. Yes, there are times I go into panic out of nowhere, and other's where I feel it coming.

Hugs,

L

[Morningglory629]

Oh Mo!!!! Okay I hope both of you on here can help work things out. Truly I do- communication is best, I just hope it doesn't get too intense for you. Are you okay with the back and forth that happens? Can you physically handle that added drama? I hope so my dear. I guess that cat is outta the bag anyway, posts have and will continue to be read. Be mindful of eachother. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Realise that Karma will be hurt and put in an awkward position no matter who is right or wrong. Don't do what I do darlin. I often write/answer posts without thinking of the repercussions. I am working on that. Make sure it is a battle that is worth having...cattiness will have to be in check from now on. However, if it is a real issue then use this forum as a sounding board as you have and a way to communicate to her clearly who you are and how you feel. Best of luck sweets!

[Mohegan]

I have never been affraid to confront somone. I may take a few days to calm down, get my points straight, or whatever, but I see no good coming over crossing my fingers and hoping it will all turn out. If I'm happy, I can focus on making those around me happy. So I try to deal with things as soon as they come up.

G/f is the complete opposite.

My biggest fear is that she'll not say something she needs to on here for fear of my response, or that she'll have something to say about something I've said and not address it for fear of my response.

After our talk, I have more understanding of why she's like this, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

If we have conflict over posts, I think that will be way.

I'm not interested in fighting just to fight. I am interested in putting in the work, painful as it may be, to sort through any issues and find resolution.


I think a lot of people, not just g/f, have a hard time believing me when I say I value honesty more than anything, that my word is my bond, that I don't waste time on pretty words to make others feel better when there's something that needs to be said.

People just don't know how to deal with me. Society as a whole is so full of backstabbing, two faced, bitchery, that it's hard to believe people like me exist.

I think because of that it is just as hard for her to understand me, because she has to go out on that branch and trust that I mean what I say, as it is for me to understand her.

A lot of presumptions were made, based on past history with others. I am often reminded that I am an original in how I deal with things, how I process things, how I deal with others.

It hurt, to be lumped in with catty highschool girls who play games, for simply stating what I saw and what I felt. I understand where she was coming from, and I understand I hurt her as well. But being accussed of something I have strived hard to avoid completely was a like a slap in the face.

It bothered me that she would think I was pushing buttons just to get s response from her. Did she ever wonder why Karma, with the personality he has, would be with someone like that? She doesn't have anything to go on other than past experiences with that type of woman, so for some of it I can understand. But I tried really hard to not make accusations that seemed outlandish. Would Karma date someone with the traits I am accusing her of having? Probably not, so I think I need to relook at this.


So anyway, our talk was a good one and I hope we only continue to straighten things out and build on that. It's hard for me to switch my brain around and realize she works differently than anyone else I've encountered, but she has to do the same with me. I have to work on stopping myself from going into full confrontation. Most everyone I associate with gets that about me. It's why we're friends. You need tough skin to hang around the people I call family. I don't have the energy to waste on fake smiles and tea parties. It's much easier to know I can call Panda or anyone else and say "here's my issue, when this happened I felt like this. Here's my idea of how things went down and why I feel this way. Here's what I want done to resolve it. What was your take on that?"

I don't waste time with pretty words. When I found out about Karma and g/f, one of the biggest slaps was that Panda had known for months and never said a word. We promised eachother if we ever knew of the others spouse committing such acts, we'd say something. I was beyond pissed at her. I took a few days then went over and simply stated " You really hurt me and pissed me off by breaking that promise and not telling me. I know you felt he should have and that it wasn't your place, but you made a promise and when it was obviouse he wasn't going to step up, you should have. I felt like I lost a lot of trust for you, that instead of loving us both, you had loyalties to him and I was a cast off. I'm not sure how to recover us from here."

And from there we talked and moved on.

No yelling. No screaming. No fighting. Just flat out here's the issue.

But I apparently can't do that with g/f without coming off as a total bitch, so I need to figure out what to do to change that, and how to switch it on when she's involved.

I think for now, online communication is still best. But we may be getting to a point of spending acutal time together.

[anotherbo]

And thanks to Living My Best Life- I now have better mid panic attack communication. Karma and I are going to discuss a set of code words. So If I can't really spell out everything, but need him home, I can tell him that, and he'll know he needs to come home, like NOW.

This sounds really great! I bet it will really help you get what you need when these panic attacks happen.

I think for now, online communication is still best. But we may be getting to a point of spending acutal time together.

Glad to hear there's some progress going on, even if its still very difficult.


Anotherbo

[Karma]

Originally Posted by mohegan

and we promised no more telephone through karma. We promised to talk things out, or im things out as the case may be.

hooray!!!!!!!