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  #261  
Old 09-01-2010, 08:48 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I've felt worse and worse as the night has gone on. I didn't want to call Karma home so I've just been waiting. He just came in and I was all excited to lay down with him and get some sleep, and the first words out of his mouth are "g/fs out front, didn't want to invade your space but wanted to let you know what was up"

She apparently had a panic attack so they were avoiding her being at home.

Fuck this! I just want to curl up in bed with my husband! I'm in here in pain, sick and miserable and they are out on the front porch.

I don't know how everyone else deals with stuff. I am trying to not be greedy with his time, but Damn it I want my husband to make everything all better and she's in the way!

I had a thought that if I had someone I could go to them, and it wouldn't matter, but isn't that just a screwed up circle? My husband can't be with me right now so I'm gonna go find someone else?

Right now I'm gonna find some crackers.
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  #262  
Old 09-01-2010, 03:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Did you tell Karma what you were going through and what you were needing when he got home? Guys have a "fix it" gene or something, give them a problem and they tend to bend over backwards to find a solution and make it "all better". Just a guess here, but if he really expected absolute alone time with g/f, he would not have brought her home.
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  #263  
Old 09-01-2010, 08:55 PM
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I wonder if it would help you to have a boundary for now that before he makes plans with his girlfriend he needs to check in with you and that you will have a set time that you will have your husband back?

I don't know how it works usually in poly relationships but I would feel really disrespected if my husband either made or changed plans without considering my feelings ahead of time.
Its normal for my husband and I to check in with the other one before even making a phone call if we're both home, just out of courtesy. We would definitely check before making plans to go out or bring someone else home, friend or otherwise.
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  #264  
Old 09-01-2010, 10:21 PM
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I don't know what he could have done differently. She needed him too. I do like the idea of a designated time to home, especially b/c we just found out the guy upstairs got stabbed and robbed last night. Peace of mind in more ways than one...

I'm just frustrated. We both needed him and I was the odd one out. Sure he eventually came home and we snuggled. And honestly, I'm more capable of dealing with panic attacks, pain, emotional blah alone than she is, so I guess it was best that it was me alone and not her. But it still sucks!! Before her this wouldn't have been an issue. Bcause I would have been calling him home from Panda's or someone else he could go back and see the next day.

He's been asking if I'm affraid he'll leave, and I think that insecurity boils down to what I said yesturday. This is where I want to be selfish. I'm his fucking wife and if I'm sick and in pain I should have my husband if I want him. I'm not affraid of losing him, not affraid he'll leave. But I am affraid of more times like this. Times where once again we both need him and I'm left alone. Or times when he needs someone and chooses her over me.

Yep, there's some more dig down deep root of the issue stuff. I'm not affraid I'll lose my husband, I'm just affraid he won't be here when I need him.

And now with stabbings going on again, I'm not allowed to leave the house without him or a weapon. You know I'm pretty tough, and I try hard to not let fear rule me.

But I'm fucking scared. This kind of thing is happening more and more around here. What if he's coming home from her place and someone goes after him? What if they come after me and he's not home. As hardcore as I like to think I am, with the training I do have, I'm still disabled. I'm still going to be coming into an empty apartment after being attacked, if I can move at all.

I don't like being affraid. I don't do well with handling fear. And now I have that to add to all the other emotions floating around.
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  #265  
Old 09-01-2010, 10:33 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It sounds to me like both you and Karma's girlfriend need to look for other people to lean on. You're right that he can only be in one place at a time and since you can't predict when you're going to feel needy having somewhere else to tun can be really beneficial.

What about Panda? Would she be able to help fill in some of the needs. I know that you're really close to her. Do you think that you'd be able to ask her to take care of you if you're not feeling well and Karma isn't available right that minute?

I think that it's fair to ask karma as well when you can expect him to be available to you. That's something I've asked of my husband since I don't like to feel that I'm interrupting anything. I can keep things together for a while but I need to know when it's "my turn" so to speak. Love is infinite, time isn't. Time management is one of the most difficult things of having more than one relationship. Good luck

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  #266  
Old 09-01-2010, 11:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It sounds to me like both you and Karma's girlfriend need to look for other people to lean on. You're right that he can only be in one place at a time and since you can't predict when you're going to feel needy having somewhere else to tun can be really beneficial.

What about Panda? Would she be able to help fill in some of the needs. I know that you're really close to her. Do you think that you'd be able to ask her to take care of you if you're not feeling well and Karma isn't available right that minute?

I think that it's fair to ask karma as well when you can expect him to be available to you. That's something I've asked of my husband since I don't like to feel that I'm interrupting anything. I can keep things together for a while but I need to know when it's "my turn" so to speak. Love is infinite, time isn't. Time management is one of the most difficult things of having more than one relationship. Good luck

-Derby
I dunno. Panda and I are really close and she's offered multiple times to come over and help out if needed. I've just never felt comfortable be needy with anyone other than Karma. He's the only one I let all walls down for.

And emotional support on that level just isn't her thing. Panda's the type of person who stands there looking lost when someone cries, she has no idea what to do. I guess since I have filled that role for her it wouldn't be overly weird to ask her to do the same.

And I don't want to seek out non b/f cuz I feel like it's not his "job" to comfort me when I'm upset or lonely b/c my husband isn't here. I don't think it's right to turn to one cuz I'm missing the other.

I like the idea of discussing when he's available for me. Something we may need to go into a little more detail about when he gets home tonight. I did ask when I could expect him home, he didn't know but said it wouldn't be as late as last night.

I don't want to play a mother role and say you have a curfew. He did ask when I wanted him home. All I said was not as late as last night. I didn't have a specific time in mind, b/c I don't know what they have planned. I don't want to say be home by midnight, and then us do nothing but play video games all night, when he could be having a good time with her.

I'm just overly needy this week, there's been a lot of emotional stress, and I've been sleeping at weird times, so I haven't conected with him a lot this week. I'm missing that. I need to be held and kissed and told it will all be okay.

G/f needs the same thing this week.

So Karma is stuck in the middle.

As far as that part goes, no Panda can't fill that in. I hold onto my tough guy attitude for to long sometimes and then the 1950's housewife side of me comes out and I need a strong manly man to tell me the world stops at the door and he won't let anything get in. I find a lot of comfort in the arms of a woman, but sometimes I need the strong arms of a man to make the world all better.
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  #267  
Old 09-02-2010, 12:29 AM
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I think having a discussion with him tonight is a good idea. I get not wanting to feel like his mother. I felt the same way when I was being asked permission for various things. Although having him set a time when he will be home is fair and then calling to check in if he's going to be later than you were expecting is also fair. That's part of communication, knowing when you will be available to one another. Don't think of it as a hard and fast rule but rather as a general guideline.
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  #268  
Old 09-02-2010, 12:48 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
That's part of communication, knowing when you will be available to one another. Don't think of it as a hard and fast rule but rather as a general guideline.

I like that. I'll bring it up when he gets home. We had a hard time in the beigining of our relationship b/c his family life was really hard. His mom was very controling, yet neglectful. So when I would ask him to tell me where he was going or call if that changed, we'd fight. He thought I was trying to control him, I just wanted to know how to reach him if there was an emergency, or know when to expect him home. I'm a natural worrier and that gave me a guidline as to when it was okay to worry. It took awhile to work all that out. And for the most part he's had an amazing turn around and is much more aware of it.

I was affraid he's think I was trying to control him again. But looking at it from that persective is helpful. It gives me a goal. Like you said earlier-I can hold it together until this time, cuz then I know he'll be home.


I think that may help with the over nights too. Knowing I'll get a good night phone call and he'll be home by this time, gives me something to work towards.


Thanks Derby!
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  #269  
Old 09-02-2010, 05:02 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Letting you know where he is going and what time he plans to be home is just common curtosy. It's not about control, it's about knowing when to worry about them and how to plan you own evening. What's the point of getting worried because your husband is not home by 10pm if he never intended to be home until 12pm. Frankly, I get really pissed at my husband if he tells me one time, the isn't home and doesn't have the decency to call and tell me there is a change of plans, because I spend the next 2-3 worried that something happened to him.
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  #270  
Old 09-02-2010, 05:32 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Letting you know where he is going and what time he plans to be home is just common curtosy. It's not about control, it's about knowing when to worry about them and how to plan you own evening. What's the point of getting worried because your husband is not home by 10pm if he never intended to be home until 12pm. Frankly, I get really pissed at my husband if he tells me one time, the isn't home and doesn't have the decency to call and tell me there is a change of plans, because I spend the next 2-3 worried that something happened to him.
Totaly agree and we went through that ALOT before it finaly clicked. If I know where he is, and he has his phone I only expect to know before or after the sun comes up.

He's been great with it for a few years now. He's had to learn to let go of a lot from how how he grew up. Realizing a lot of it wasn't the way the rest of the world works.

With g/f I try to not be restrictive. I try to let it be open when he comes home. But I think I need to know at least a little of what is going on so that I have a gauge for my night.
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