Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #231  
Old 08-21-2010, 04:39 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I'm trying to process the long talk Karma and I had the other night and I keep hitting a block. One of the things he asked was "If I'm at Panda's (what I have decided to start calling my wife on here) and I call and say her husband isn't an issue and we want to sleep together, what do you say" And my response is " why aren't I there, I want some Panda too." After thinking on it to get to his point I respond " at first I'm upset because you're not with me, your choosing someone else. But then, it's Panda. I love her, I trust her. I'm okay with that."

But after some thought. I don't think I am. And I CANNOT wrap my head around why. Why is this such an issue for me? Why is it only kind of an issue that he sleeps with Panda, but a huge issue that he sleeps with his girlfriend?

With her leaving for vacation, I'm thinking, ya know I bet they'd want to sleep together before she leaves. I kind of wish she had her damn STD test done. so I could just say " Do it and be done with it". This whole constant analyzing and thinking and talking is a huge stressor. Maybe it just needs to happen so I can with that, instead of the what ifs.

I can't pinpoint why it bothers me. I think of all these scenarios and possibilities, but none of them seem to be it. None of them are the reason.

I can't fix something, or process something or decide what I want or need, if I can't pinpoint what the damn problem is. What is the difference if I'm there or not? He's still having sex with someone else. So why does it bother me to not be involved? I pride myself on not being dependent. On being strong in who I am. So why do I need to be involved for it to be okay?

I am so frustrated!
Reply With Quote
  #232  
Old 08-21-2010, 04:10 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I discovered last night that I think part of my issue is that I wasn't a bitch in the begining. I tried really hard to not express how much venim I had for her b/c I was affraid of her running away, and then Karma would be hurt and angry and then everything would have been a bigger mess. So I never had that outlet.
I can understand that feeling. Not that things got to that point in my life. But I relate to that. If I had not done this or had done that -perhaps the roller coasters wouldn't have happened - or they woudn't have been as severe.

But they happened, and now I'm working on getting what *I* need without hurting anyone else.

It just outlines to me how very important it is to be honest about WHAT we're feeling
__________________
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create


My Journey to Health and Fitness
My Journey as a Widow

Jane
Reply With Quote
  #233  
Old 08-22-2010, 01:24 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I wrote a list of needs that will arise from Karma sleeping with g/f. We went over them last night, and he was totaly okay with it. Even the one that said I may have to tell them to stop again after they start. I was so afraid he'd be mad about the waffling, and he said it was more like dipping a toe in. I really live that man. We've been through hell, but he get's me like no one else does.

I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I do feel a weight has been lifted. A decision made, instead of floating in the unknown.

I don't know why it took me so long to put it into words but I am so glad I finaly have.

And next weekend starts Renn Fair!!!! I've got a lot of sewing to get done this week! And with school starting monday, it's gonna be a fun week. My amazing mother just told me she's buying out passes for fair so there's a $160 I don't have to come up with.

And my knee is slowly getting better.

Baby steps to a happier life
Reply With Quote
  #234  
Old 08-23-2010, 10:37 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Just got a bill for my classes that are to start today. Am trying really hard to not have a panic attack and make it two more hr till the office opens to call and find out what is going on.

All my classes should be covered on grants, plus I take out loans to cover living expenses. Should have known something was up when I never got the app for the loans for this semster.

It could be that something is messed up in the system, or it could be that Karma failed out and so he doesn't count towards my assistance as another household member in school, and since I 'm on probation, maybe there isn't enough credits there to qualify me.

No assistance means $750 in tuition, plus $2500 a month in living expenses. And neither of us have a job. Plus his loans, an extra $400 a month, come due in November since he isn't in school right now.

I dunno what we're gonna do. We can't even get hired at a fast food place (over qualified) how are we gonna make that kind of money?

Oh well, need to go find something to do for 2 hrs, that does not include freaking out.
Reply With Quote
  #235  
Old 08-23-2010, 09:22 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Maybe the fact that you think differently about panda as you do the girlfriend is because he cheated with the girlfriend? You say you trust panda, well ya, she has been honest from the beginning. It takes a long time I think for the unconscious mind to get over a breech of trust. You might logically think that it isn't any big deal, but somewhere in side of you it may still be and you still may need time. After all the very core of your trust was broken, a huge deal to the whole thing I think. Perhaps that needs remembering?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #236  
Old 08-24-2010, 01:15 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Happy Dance !!!

I woke to 3 job offers!!!! 2 are only part time. One is for an interview, don't know the details yet. I got the message to late, gotta call tomorrow. It's back at Wal Mart, where I worked for a few months back in ohio. Don't know how the one here will be, but I know it's a paycheck so I gotta suck it up and deal. I don't have the luxery of finding my ideal job right now.

I'm a little upset though. I haven't worked in so long I'm used to having all this time with Karma. It's gonna be sad to not have that. I used to always worry that he was cheating while I was work (which he was), I don't have that fear anymore, but I am affraid of what it will do to us. Will we have enough time together? When he gets a job, how will we juggle me time and g/f time and friend time and private time. I need that magic spell for more hours in the day.

But right now we re going out to dinner ( at a cheap diner but hey) to celebrate things looking up, FINALY.

Now I just need Karma employed, school loans to straighten out, to fix my car tire and to pass this semster.
Reply With Quote
  #237  
Old 08-25-2010, 10:06 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I just have to say how amazing it is to have my husband back! And really back not kinda back. We had problems for years and slapped band aids on it and moved on. Moving to Maryland kind of caused all the band aids to fall off and pieces of us as a couple to go with them.

So tonight Karma and had a small talk about things, like why he isn't having sex with g/f, just b/c I asked. Given his track record, me asking him not to doesn't mean much.

He said it was b/c he remembered how amazing we were together. How great our relationship could be, and he wanted that back. So he was trying to earn back my trust, b/c we work better that way. Without it, part of us gets lost.

I am married to the most amazing man. I wish I could record it and everytime someone nastily asks why I am still here, and why I put up with it, I want to play the recording. I want scream this is why! B/c we've both made some pretty big mistakes, but our love held us to together, our love helped us forgive and learn from those mistakes, and our love is worth any battle.

I was reading an old journal I found yesturday and was amazed at how unhappy I was, and how I managed to forget. Every page was about a fight, or feeling unloved, neglected, like I was living with a careless room mate instead of a husband. I cried when I read that on our anniversary in 2009 we didn't kiss all day! We went to dinner with his parents, came home and went our seperate ways!

Dear Goddess no wonder we fell apart! Not even a kiss on our damn anniversary? And that was before he met g/f, so at that time the affairs were flings. But obviously, we were broken.

And now, I have my husband back. I hope he feels like he has his wife back. I hope he knows how much this means to me. How greatful I am that we chose to rebuild instead of walk away. How I know he loves me, just by saying it. I believe it again. I hope he knows how much I appreciate the patience and care he has given the last few months, and will continue to give as we walk through this. I married an amazing man, I am so blessed, and my heart is just swelling with love tonight.

There's a quote from an old Waylon Jennings song called "Goodhearted Woman, Goodtiming Man"--With teardrops & laughter they pass through this world hand in hand.

So true. I love you Karma! More today than ever, Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #238  
Old 08-25-2010, 06:35 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I just have to say how amazing it is to have my husband back! And really back not kinda back. We had problems for years and slapped band aids on it and moved on. Moving to Maryland kind of caused all the band aids to fall off and pieces of us as a couple to go with them.

So tonight Karma and had a small talk about things, like why he isn't having sex with g/f, just b/c I asked. Given his track record, me asking him not to doesn't mean much.

He said it was b/c he remembered how amazing we were together. How great our relationship could be, and he wanted that back. So he was trying to earn back my trust, b/c we work better that way. Without it, part of us gets lost.

I am married to the most amazing man. I wish I could record it and everytime someone nastily asks why I am still here, and why I put up with it, I want to play the recording. I want scream this is why! B/c we've both made some pretty big mistakes, but our love held us to together, our love helped us forgive and learn from those mistakes, and our love is worth any battle.

I was reading an old journal I found yesturday and was amazed at how unhappy I was, and how I managed to forget. Every page was about a fight, or feeling unloved, neglected, like I was living with a careless room mate instead of a husband. I cried when I read that on our anniversary in 2009 we didn't kiss all day! We went to dinner with his parents, came home and went our seperate ways!

Dear Goddess no wonder we fell apart! Not even a kiss on our damn anniversary? And that was before he met g/f, so at that time the affairs were flings. But obviously, we were broken.

And now, I have my husband back. I hope he feels like he has his wife back. I hope he knows how much this means to me. How greatful I am that we chose to rebuild instead of walk away. How I know he loves me, just by saying it. I believe it again. I hope he knows how much I appreciate the patience and care he has given the last few months, and will continue to give as we walk through this. I married an amazing man, I am so blessed, and my heart is just swelling with love tonight.

There's a quote from an old Waylon Jennings song called "Goodhearted Woman, Goodtiming Man"--With teardrops & laughter they pass through this world hand in hand.

So true. I love you Karma! More today than ever, Thank you!
Mohegan, that was a lovely post! i'm so happy for you. You have both worked so hard to this point. You should feel so very proud!

Would you be willing to put this one on the sharing success and happiness thread? Its such a positive one!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #239  
Old 08-25-2010, 06:40 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

I agree...look how far you all have come! I'm so glad that you're feeling as though you have each other back. Sometimes it seems to take some really major stuff to either bring us together or tear us apart. I think with either option (although uncomfortable at the time) is better than standing still.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #240  
Old 08-26-2010, 10:06 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Odd mix of feelings tonight. Karma and I had a great date night. When we got home I was feeling really off and thought maybe my sugar was low so he heated up my leftovers and we sat on the couch. He said he was feeling a sense of dread and didn't know why and when I couldn't help him, he called g/f who is on vacation.

I was a little irritated. No where near what I normaly have been. But to hear him say " I feel better talking to you and knowing your okay" made me feel like crap as a wife.

Sunday is their 1 yr of knowing eachother and he wants to take her to the renn fair. It's opening weekend and that's the day Panda is going! I asked if it would be all three of us or just the two of them and he wants it just them. Which I understand, it just hurts. He didn't even tell me about it, until I brought it up last night. He'd already pretty much made the plans with her and here I am sitting in the dark again.

It was easier to deal with than things have been. I think a lot of that is b/c things are so good between he and I right now. I was able to talk myself off the ledge of emotion, telling myself it was irrational to be upset. Let them have their day. There will be plenty of other weekends to go. Panda and I can go together at another point. I don't want to go with Panda Sunday, b/c I want to let Karma and g/f have their time, and we all hang out with our friends at the same tavern so...I don't want to take away from their time by being there, nor do i want to deal with the rumor mill.

It just sucks to have these emotions kick up and not know why.

After thinking on RP's comment that I haven't gotten over the hurt and the trust from the affair and readign Marksbabygirl's post about not trusting her spouse. I started thinking, maybe I don't trust Karma to make the right decisions for "us". After all the affair stemmed from him deciding to lie so he "didn't hurt me".

Two weeks ago he was questioning breaking up with her to stop the pain I was feeling. Sounds like he does think about making decisions with our betterment in mind. I just don't know that I fully trust that. Though after our talk last night, that seems to be getting better as well.

I guess as the moment I don't feel like I can meet all of his needs, and well I guess I can't. He obviously needs things only she can give him, exp being the comfort of talking to her tonight. But me and that must do it all attitude, I have a hard time accepting that there is something I can't do for/ give to him. I want to be able to do all, way can't I? Irrational I know, but still what I am thinking.

And by still being in the dark about things, I feel like it is hard to get all of that trust back. Like, did he talk to her about the talk he and I had about them sleeping together? I have no idea. When was he going to tell me he was taking her to fair on Sunday? When he left?

I'm trying not to complain, b/c he has made HUGE strides and is making a lot of changes to make things better and easier. I don't want to sound like I don't apprecaite that, b/c I certainly do. I'm just still trying to figure things out, still trying to place the why's behind certain emotions.

And now I'm feeling dizzy again. So back to bed I go.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:35 PM.