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  #221  
Old 08-18-2010, 02:56 AM
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I discovered last night that I think part of my issue is that I wasn't a bitch in the begining. I tried really hard to not express how much venim I had for her b/c I was affraid of her running away, and then Karma would be hurt and angry and then everything would have been a bigger mess. So I never had that outlet.

I let him have her over just days after I found out. Everything just went so fast and I thought I was okay, and now I feel like I just need a break from all of it.

I want Karma to be happy and I know he wants us to get along and be friends. I feel like I'm going backwards.

I have this huge sinking feeling and I hate it.
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  #222  
Old 08-18-2010, 08:17 AM
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Was just reading one of the articles on xeromag and it got me thinking. It was about how the family has two pets, a hunting dog and a cat. The cat having normal cat traits wants nothing to do with anyone or anything and is quick to let them know that. The dog is very quick to find something to chase, in the one track mind kinda way.

It's very obviouse that if the dog got a hold of the cat, the family would be "left with one pet and one pile of bloody scraps". So to avoid this the family keeps them seperated at all cost.

I was laughing hystericaly reading this article. The point of the article was to have poly couples think about their relationships and the fact that they have a choice in dating someone. We don't have to date everyone who finds us attractive. If they don't mesh with the "family" we have the option of keeping all doors and windows shut to avoid the dog/cat scenario or to not date one of them at all.

I in no way want Karma to break up with g/f. I do not think we need complete avoidence of eachother, either. But I am wondering if maybe our interactions are being too forced, if I am forcing myself to much. Maybe, even if only for the time being, things should slow down. Maybe the time here at the house needs lessened. I'd like to say maybe she shouldn't stay the night the whole weekend, on their weekends, but until I'm ready for them to sleep together, and Karma to sleep at her place, I don't see that as an option. Granted they bitch and moan about how they can't sleep in the living room, but they do enjoy their overnights together. I need me and her to slow down, not them.

I think, given how my original thoughts on how we'd enter into poly had to do with a unicorn, (or at least a relationship similar to what I have with my wife), I put a lot of pressure into making us the happy little family. And when that didn't happen, I got upset. I got mad at myself, her, Karma. I think the pain of them being together has a lot of reasons to it. But tonight, I'm pretty sure the biggest is that things didn't turn out the way I planned. So I'm hurt that my hopes for our happy little family aren't happening right now. I'm hurt that this means he has her time and me time and then all of us time; and all of us time is just awkward.

I feel like when we are all together it's a game of mother may I. Like she looks to me to see if she can speak, can she sit here, can she do this. I think I've mentioned plenty of times that I hate the whole egg shells thing. You may very possibly piss me off with what you say, anyone might, but I lose respect for people who choose to not speak rather than make waves.

I feel like I have been put into a position of authority. And the inability to relate stems from being on two different levels. I don't even really know which of us did it. I could very well be to blame for it. But I feel stuck in this position and uncertain how to relate to her on a friend level, because it seems everything is on a superior/inferior level. That's not how I want things, but I don't know how to fix them.

I think that is wht the question of what I look for in friend, bothered me. I don't want her to conform to what I want, in order to make a friendship work. I just want it to work. I want us as individuals to relate to eachother, to have common ground, have something to talk about other than Karma or the damn cats. At this point I'm no longer looking to find a best friend in my husbands g/f. I doubt I will call her when I need someone to talk to. But I would at least like things comfortable when we are all together. I would like the strained energy to be removed. I would the nervous energy to be removed.

Part of why I immediatly go on edge and shut down when she is around, is she carried this nervous energy with her. That is also most likely my fault. In the begining of things Karma told me she was affraid of me. I can put a lot of peole off with the way I carry myself. I don't take peoples shit, I call people on their shit, I don't waste time my time and energy on people who can't keep up with me in a conversation. If I don't like someone, they know it. I have no need to waste the energy hiding it. There has been a lot of conflict in the last few months on various levels and in various groupings of our friends and she has been around to see my responses to it. She honestly has reason to be scared.

But going back to the dog/ cat metaphore. Karma and I are often refered to as having a preditor type mentality. I have a very Alpha/preditor mentality. When someone is afraid or nervous around me, I can relate to that hunting dog seeing that cat as prey. And almost everytime she walks in our door, I see prey.

Not because of their relationship, not because I look down on her, not because...well not because of anything other than the energy she gives off. It immediatly heightens my senses. Puts me on guard. Causes me to watch and analyze her every move. It's an instinctual survival mode.

So it becomes a vicious circle, She comes in nervous, I put up my guard, she gets even more nervous, I get even less interested in dealing with her and TA DA we have what we have now. Neither one of us knowing where to go next.

Wow, pretty interesting things that just came out of my head. That I have been thinking for a while, but unsure how to word. I'm gonna go sit with all this for awhile. I think I am coming closer to resolutions.
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  #223  
Old 08-18-2010, 07:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Was just reading one of the articles on xeromag and it got me thinking. It was about how the family has two pets, a hunting dog and a cat. The cat having normal cat traits wants nothing to do with anyone or anything and is quick to let them know that. The dog is very quick to find something to chase, in the one track mind kinda way.

It's very obviouse that if the dog got a hold of the cat, the family would be "left with one pet and one pile of bloody scraps". So to avoid this the family keeps them seperated at all cost.
Laughing, our cat had been queen of the realm for about 6 years (super princess) when we inherited a neighbor's dog. He was a hunting dog and did go out of his way to annoy the cat enough to get her to chase him. Once she did he was in heaven. It took her about 6 months to realize that this stupid dog just wanted to play, so on occation she would oblige. After about a year, they were like an old married couple. When she got too old to move real fast, the birds would come around and taunt her - that would send the dog into orbit (feathers everywhere). In fact when he died, she went senile and was gone with in a year.

I do think you should sit down and talk with her someplace neutral and be bluntly honest. Tell her some of the same things you have said here. Let's face it, you do hold the superior position, you are the wife and hold a lot more power over your husband. In the military it is the responsibility of the senior officers to address the lower ranks, not the other way around. You don't have to be BFFs, but you do need to be able to talk to each other.

I also take a loooong time to warm up to people enough to consider them my friends (sometimes years), especially other women.
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  #224  
Old 08-18-2010, 09:30 PM
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Holding the "superior" position and having "power over" ones husband doesn't always come into play with poly. I would question whether or not it ever should really although I know some couples operate like that. Essentially what you are talking about is some kind of modified veto power over how it all goes down. Really its a matter of negotiating boundaries rather than being "superior" in a relationship dynamic. The thing with having "power over" is that they can then turn it around and have "power over" us in terms of it becoming a competition to see has more power. A lot of relationships end this way, one uping each other, out doing each other, fighting over what is right and wrong instead of requesting that things go a certain way and then
negotiating which way things go.
Being curious as to what a person thinks.

Really mohegan, you went to fast because you thought you could at the time and now need time. So be it. She will have to wait. One step back is sometimes what it takes to take two steps forward. It could be that you just need a break from her constant presence in your life in terms of having to deal with her.
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  #225  
Old 08-18-2010, 09:42 PM
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Holding the "superior" position and having "power over" ones husband doesn't always come into play with poly.
Sorry, that came off a bit harsher than I intended.
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  #226  
Old 08-18-2010, 11:50 PM
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I respect individuals. I think the "authority" thing is because she seems to look to me to direct the flow of things, instead of making decsions for herself. Karma said she does it to keep from upsetting me and making things harder on him. But in doing that I lose the respect for the individual. If her decisions are based off of if she'll piss me off, how I am to know how she would really respond to something? Like I said it's a giant game of mother may I. Yes I think there should be respect of feelings when making a decision, but always walking on eggshells for fear of pissing me off, is in turn, pissing me off.

I don't want to have power over her. I want us to be on common ground. But for whatever reason, which ever of us created the dynamic, I now feel like that is where I am stuck. When her b/f sent me the e-mail telling me of Karmas affair, one of the things he said was " She always play second fiddle to you." In some ways, yes she will. I'm his wife. No one else will ever have what Karma and I have. But I'll never have what they have. It's unique to itself. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact there is something beautiful about that. But it seems like the second fiddle dynamic is still there. Maybe authority wasn't the right word, I didn't know how else to word it. But maybe it is more than the second fiddle dynamic that is going on.

And I most definitaly don't feel I have power over Karma. We have a veto agreement, but for me it is only relevant if the relationship is unhealthy. We're a partnership.

Karma went up to her place tonight, instead of bringing her here. More of the giving me space thing. I'm really appreciative of that. I thought maybe seeing it all would help me adjust, but maybe it was too much. I need space from people. It's why we don't have room mates. I've almost lost some really good friendships b/c of them living with us. So maybe there was just wasn't enough space. Maybe the awkwardness stems from to much to soon.

I do think she and I need to sit down and talk, but I think I need a bit of a breather first.
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  #227  
Old 08-19-2010, 02:45 AM
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Pretty sure I just wrote the longest e-mail of my life. Not sure when I'll want to sit down and talk with g/f but somethings I didn't want to just sit out there in space. So I told her a lot of what I wrote on her about where my mind was saturday night. I told her why I think I have the issue with compersion for them. I explained fibro in a little more detail. And I once again stated that I have not already made up my mind about her, that I am not just waiting for her to fuck up and that if I was just waiting for them to end I would have pulled veto a long time ago.

I guess now it's wait and see. And take some time for me.
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  #228  
Old 08-19-2010, 07:37 AM
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I'm kinda irritated at the moment. Regardless of my issues with befriending Karmas girlfriend, I still support the relationship. The last few times they've gotten together, it seems like Karma has been used as a ride to see her other b/f. He was sick monday so they went there so she could take care of him. Today was Karma's wednesday and he was asked to go pick up the b/f and take him to her house. That's a 45min trip there and another 45 back, no offer of gas money or anything else. When Karma told her he was slightly irritated by it, she said she forgot it was his wednesday and got mixed up b/c of how things got mixed up with her family being in town. So now she's decided she'll spend this weekend with Karma instead of the other b/f. I'm a little irritated by that cuz it should be our weekend, but he does spend most of the week with me now, so it's not that big of deal. But regardless of it being intentional or not, it seems like any alone time they may get, is spent with the other b/f. I'm not sure why Karma isn't more upset about this than he is. He only gets along with the other b/f to keep things smooth for her, so I don't know why he keeps letting their time get interupted by this guy. Nor do I get why he is expected to play chauffer. And to top off my irritation, other b/f stayed the night with her tonight.

In some ways I wish I could go back in time and be back in my mono relationship. Only because I didn't have shit like this added to my life. I cannot stand this guy and now I can't stand him even more.
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  #229  
Old 08-19-2010, 08:02 PM
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Well, I could be a prick about it, throw a temper tantrum sbout how he's "invading" my time with her, make her feel horrible, and in general act like an childish asshole....

....or, I can keep handling things like an adult, and let him continue to be a child throwing temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I like the second option better

Besides, I really didn't mind on Monday - Guy was SICK. GF's immune system is basically non-existant. Mine is incredible. I had no problem playing Doctor, if for no other reason, than because it kept her from getting sick, which in turn most likely kept Mohegan (another non-existant immune system) from getting sick when she comes over next.

What about me getting sick, you ask? Well, it might happen. When hell freezes over.

I do want my freakin gas money, though. My truck does not like to go to Annapolis without getting truck food in return.

My overall take on the situation and him - I don't really like him, no. But, why should I complain when the guy I don't really like is depending on me to see her half of the time, and acting like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum because he can't handle the fact that he can't have her "all to himself" the other half of the time? Particularly when all I need to do is calmly remind her that I want my time alone with her, too, and she addresses the problem then and there?

Outside of gas money, I think I'm looking pretty good, at the moment.
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  #230  
Old 08-20-2010, 11:47 PM
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So g/f and I have been e-mailing and talking that way. But new issue of the day. She said she's spend this weekend with Karma since other b/f keeps getting in the way. Turns out she's leaving tomorrow for vacation and said she meant next weekend. Well that's KArmas weekend anyway. Kind of frustrated at the moment. So she is supposedly coming over tonight. But her mom suddenly doesn't like Karma and is coming up with a ton of things for her to do so she can't leave.

Drama Drama Drama. Gotta love it.
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