Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #211  
Old 08-16-2010, 11:41 PM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Mono- Did you ever feel like PN didn't want to get to know you? How did you two work through things in the begining?
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 08-17-2010, 12:07 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

It seems g/f still feels I have made my mind up about her. No matter how many time I say that is just not in my character. People are dynamic not static, we are always changing. But she seems to think I have decided to not like her and am just waiting for her to screw things up.

Karma says I think there is nothing in common b/c she is affraid to open up and I don't feel like I should be the one to offer the olive branch.

Add into the complication of fibromyalgia. She doesn't know me well enough to know the things it effects. Like when I am in a lot of pain I tend to shut off. I get short with people b/c the energy it takes to answer them, takes away from the energy I am using to combat the pain. The energy it takes to interact is just more than I have. My patience is usualy pretty thin when I am in a lot of pain.

When she and Karma came home Sat night that was where I was. I had told him earlier in the day I felt like I had been hit by a truck, and I did. I had the muscle ache from working out, the flu like ache from the fibro, I had no energy, I had no balance, and it honestly hurt just to breath, it hurt to eat.

I sent them to a going away party without me, for one of our adopted "kids". The younger sister to one of the guys we do darkon with. She is leaving for college and it was her last weekend to spend with us. Our "kids" mean the world to me. We do more than mentor them in foam fighting, we mentor them in their real lives as well. So the fact that I was in that much pain that I wasn't going, I thought clued him into the level of pain.

Hit by truck/ not going to see a friend off to college/didn't even have the energy to get dressed.

Yup sounds like a pretty bad day.

So they came home and I was snippy from the get go. Just saying hi took more than I had and I was pissy that I had to extend that energy. Not their fault, not a trait I'm proud of. But that's where I was and what they walked into.

Karma wanted to watch The Crow. His favorite movie. G/f has never seen it. I was annoyed again for several reasons: I was asked to move so he could cuddle us both, it wasn't the cuddling that bothered me, it was the moving. I had found a spot I could tolerate sitting in and now I have to move to accomodate them. Again he didn't know, not really their fault, and on any other day it wouldn't have mattered. But right then, I didn't want to.
Two:I HATE watching a move more than once. Seems like a waste of time. I will go years and years before I can tolerate watching a movie again. The Crow, being Karmas favorite, I have seen more times than I can count. So I'm in pain, I'm irritated and I have zero desire to watch this move AGAIN.

So I went to the bedroom to read my book. Up until now, seeing them cuddle didn't bother me. When they got there she sat on the floor in front of where he was on the couch and I didn't care. The kissed and I didn't care.

I'm guessing my patience was dead by the time I came out to get an ash tray b/c they were curled up in the chair watching the movie in the dark. Seeing that hurt. Like arrow to the heart. Then later he came into the kitchen while I was getting dinner and gave me a hug and was covered in her scent.

Again a two prong issue- I am very sensitive to scents and I don't like what she uses. They make me ill. And then there's the fact that my husband smells of another woman and is hugging and kissing me.

That was it. I was done. He asked what was wrong. All I could articulate was I was hurting seeing them and smelling her. He got pissed I got defensive and that my friends is how we got this last string of blogs.

Karma and talked for a bit tonight and there was some irritation on both parts, but I think we get things a little more.

He thinks I'm shutting her out and not wanting to get to know her. That am only tolerating her. I think I've been trying to get to know her, to hold conversation, and I feel like I am talking to myself. So I don't feel like it's my branch to extend anymore.

I don't know how to make her feel comfortable. I don't know how to make her feel like I want to get to know her. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I want compersion. I want to feel joy knowing they are happy. I want the comfort that is there with my wife. And it just doesn't seem to be happening.

Last edited by Mohegan; 08-17-2010 at 01:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 08-17-2010, 12:45 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Something else I have been thinking about- Remember that 5 page letter I wrote her? Took all that time to get my thoughts accross just right. I ended it by saying, if she wanted to try and make things work, then I would be looking forward to her response.

She said she was working on one. That she was taking her time to get it right.


I'm still waiting. I kinda feel like it got pushed aside.

So I took all this time explaining things to you. Putting things out there. Hoping for the same, and some answers in return. That was my first attempt to extend that olive branch.

And it seems to have been ignored.

So I still don't know how she deals with things, learns, processes, communicates.

And she wants to know why I don't seem to want to get to know? BECAUSE I AM STILL WAITING FOR HER TO TELL ME HOW!

Just wanted to get that out there.
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:16 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

So Karma came home to get something and g/f was in the car. He said she wanted to give me my space. But that she had something to ask me but wanted to ask me in person. He was all giddy and seemed to think it was a good idea. Then he read my posts and said that she I definitaly needed to talk.

I really don't want to see her, but now my mind is spinning with what on earth she would want to say.

Should prove interesting.
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:45 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Mono- Did you ever feel like PN didn't want to get to know you? How did you two work through things in the begining?
Me and PN talked to each other right away once I met him. We went for coffee and I told him exaclty where I was coming from and he told me where he was coming from. We had a few moments where it was clear he needed his space from me but it was never open animosity. Me and PN are very similar in one very important way...we care about each other. There is no him and RP and Me and RP, there is us.

I came into this relationship respecting and having full compersion for what they had before I even heard the term. He is simply a very understanding and kind person. If one of us was unbalanced as a "taker" we may have had a rockier start. For all intended purposes, we've had a text book start between me and him.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-17-2010 at 04:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 08-17-2010, 10:50 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

So it seems we are at a stand still once again. G/f doesn't know how to approach me, I don't know how to approach her. Kind of stuck.

I dunno what to do. I'm not sure what to say or do or how to approach anything. She hasn't told me yet, but Karma told me what she wanted to say to me. She wants to know what I look for in a friend. I kind of feel like I shouldn't say anything. Like it'll make things between us less. Almost affraid it'll change how she acts, either to appease or the opposite.

Does she want to play the compatibilty game?

Grrr. I hate not knowing how to react to things. And really, aside from honesty, someone with balls enough to stand up for themselves, someone secure in who they are, somewhat of the same outlook on things or at least and open enough mind to discuss the differences, I don't really have a list of criteria for friends. So when she does ask. I have no idea what to say.

Something to sleep on I guess.
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:10 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
So it seems we are at a stand still once again. G/f doesn't know how to approach me, I don't know how to approach her. Kind of stuck.

.
Why put yourself in a pressure cooker? Why not pick a public place to have coffee with activity around you and just set a date to visit for a while. PN and I went for a walk and coffe to sit by the sea the first time we really talked. That atmosphere was safe for me because when I decide to talk it is usually easy for me and I wanted privacy to open up to him. It has definitely gotten better over time and now we don't care who listens when we talk (we talk loud, just ask RP)...you just have to open your mouth and say something that you are genuinely interested in and the rest seems to follow.

You could be very upfront and tell her that you worry the meeting will be awkward and that you are unsure what the aim will be...but again, this leads to conversation which is a good thing.

Just my thoughts...take the leap
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:21 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Meet her to talk on your terms, where and how you feel comfortable. Let her know that if your fibro is acting up that you might cancel on her last minute. Karma (quite naturally) is going to want for the 2 of you to be friends. Unfortunately friendship can't be forced and if you're anything like me I mentally shut down when I feel like I'm being forced into something. Get to know her, find out if you have some common ground. Maybe you will be friends and maybe you won't. But just learning more about her and what Karma loves about her might go a long way to developing compersion for them.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 08-18-2010, 12:03 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Sounds so simple to hear you both say it, yet I am filled with dread thinking of the awkward forced conversations we've had so far. It's always been easy for me to find something in common with anyone. Working in the food industry you almost have to. I kept Karma up for hrs trying to figure out where this block comes from.

Have I not forgiven her? Do I feel threatend in some subconcious way?

I thought when we went to the carnival, things went pretty well. Conversation still felt strained and forced but it was there. Karma says even then it seemed like I was shut down and not interested in interacting with her.

I'm scared, because there is aparently quite a bit of myself I am just not feeling, or acknowledging or aware of. I don't understand why.

I feel like this is so much harder than it should be. Yet I have no idea how to make it easier. Going somewhere neutral, without Karma, seems like a death sentance. All I see is us sitting there staring at eachother. Waiting for the other to come up with same way to transition into a conversation.

I've also decided to give her the address for the forum, so she can start reading them. I kind of feel like it's a way for her to see what I am thinking. But Karma wasn't supposed to tell me what she wanted to ask me, so he wants me to wait, since I mentioned it last night.

I am so frustrated. So emotional yet emotionaly disconnected. I'm not sleeping again. I'm in a ton of pain again. Glad I enjoyed last week while I could.
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 08-18-2010, 12:45 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

I'm proud of you for working on the "whys" of not being all together comfortable just sitting down and chatting to her. Chances are you wouldn't just stare at each other for hours and if it does start to happen you can always ask her how the telepathy is working for her .

I have to say that I was quite the evil bitch when I met my husband's gf for the first time. I had agreed to pick her up from the airport and the plan was for me to take her to her other bf's house. Well she asked my husband if she could stay for the afternoon and then asked if she could stay overnight and I couldn't just say no to the afternoon part because it seemed really reasonable. But I didn't want her there that fast. I was prepared to pick her up and drop her off and spend about 45 minutes with her. I felt trapped and forced into something I wasn't ready for.

I've since become a much nicer person to her. I don't consider her a friend, rather an aquaintance. Her other boyfriend I do consider a friend though. I might not get it but I don't have to. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to like her. Take it easy and get to know her. And keep questioning the "whys" the more you understand why you are feeling a certain way the more able you are to deal with those feelings.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:19 PM.