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  #201  
Old 08-15-2010, 04:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Maybe the overnight in your appartment was too much too fast. Watching them snuggle on the couch while watching a movie is different than them sleeping together just down the hall. I do think the fact that Karma breached your trust by sharing your personal/confidential e-mail with the g/f compounded the problem and brought back your insecurites about the situation. If this is not part of your boudaries that you already have in place, it should be. Your e-mails and their contents, are non of her business nor is any other personal information you share with Karma.
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  #202  
Old 08-15-2010, 06:44 PM
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Maybe the overnight in your appartment was too much too fast. Watching them snuggle on the couch while watching a movie is different than them sleeping together just down the hall. I do think the fact that Karma breached your trust by sharing your personal/confidential e-mail with the g/f compounded the problem and brought back your insecurites about the situation. If this is not part of your boudaries that you already have in place, it should be. Your e-mails and their contents, are non of her business nor is any other personal information you share with Karma.
They've been having over nights here for awhile. I prefer it that way, since 1 she has no car and we are poor college students, that's a lot of back and forth for a weekend visit (she's about a half hr away). 2 at least if he's not in my bed, I know he's only down the hall.

Honestly after having a few months to figure my head out. I think I let the whole thing move to fast, but at the time I did what I thought I needed to do. Now I wish I had asked they take a break so he and I could work on us, or at least me and her not be around eachother for awhile. But the past is the past and now we deal with the rest.


He knew not to say anything but forgot. Honestly I'm an open book, I have nothing to hide from anyone and few things I find too personal to share. But as far a confidences friends have in me, that's different. Karma only found out on accident. I hide nothing from my husband and the only reason I didn't tell him straight out was b/c the friend asked me not to and it didn't effect Karma at all. So yeah, a bit of a boundry break. Hopefully it is all cleared up now.
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  #203  
Old 08-15-2010, 06:48 PM
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I think I may have figured out where the pain is coming from. I have a huge long blog but I wanna talk to Karma about it before I post it. But basicaly she gets a side of him I've always longed for and never knew existed. I've done everything but beg and she just gets it.

I know that isn't giving much, but I made him a promise, to go over any major blogs before posting them so it'll have to wait.

But I think I've made a somewhat major breakthrough.

The blessings of 24 hrs with no sleep. caffeine. cigarettes. and emotion.
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  #204  
Old 08-15-2010, 07:48 PM
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I think I may have figured out where the pain is coming from. I have a huge long blog but I wanna talk to Karma about it before I post it. But basicaly she gets a side of him I've always longed for and never knew existed. I've done everything but beg and she just gets it.

But I think I've made a somewhat major breakthrough.
Good for you. I hope that the conversation is a constructive one and I'll be waiting to see what the outcome is.
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  #205  
Old 08-16-2010, 08:02 AM
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After some sleep and talking and reading and trying to understand the other. Karma and I are once again on track. More pain from the past, on both sides, was revealed. We found that are a lot of things we are both doing that aren't seen. Kind of like a few weeks ago when I was making progress and Karma didn't see it because he didn't know where I had started. They were internal, emotion changes that the other couldn't see. Karmas actions haven't so much changed as the reason behind them.

He's done a lot of changing that I thought he had done for himself, and found out tonight he did them for me. I've never asked him to change for me. I never thought that was what he was doing.

Even something as simple as asking how I'm feeling when we wake up. I thought it was because he wanted to know how it would effect his day. In reality, he has started doing it out of concern for me. I had no idea. He's left some things behind in his past for me. I knew it was because I asked but I thought it was because he wanted to live a new better life, I didn't know it was only because I asked.

He does all these little romantic things for g/f that he doesn't for me. Little notes on facebook. He calls her (he never called me when were dating) just to see how she is doing, how was her day, tells her he misses her. I don't get that. This is what I was refering to earlier. I asked for years for little romantic gestures, I just thought that wasn't a part of who he was. But she seems to get it so easily, so effortlessly. Why don't I?

Well I got my answers. He does so much for me. He's made all these internal changes, but never told me. How am I to know he's doing these things for me if he doesn't tell me? He thought I was secure that I was loved, so why do I need those things.

It was a good educational talk. We're back on the same page. I don't know that it was a complete answer to why it hurts to see them together, but I think it is helpful. It gives me something to hold onto. A little something to move forward with.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. My pain pills are kicking in. It makes sense in my head. I still don't like sharing him and am not sure why, but I guess it's more for me to work on and figure out.
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  #206  
Old 08-16-2010, 02:30 PM
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We all like to know our loved ones are thinking of us during the day. It hurts to know they can take the time to talk/text to someone else during the day, but you don't get the same consideration.

My hubby stopped calling me about 5 years into our marriage and I tried to get him to start again many times. He always used the excuss that he was too busy, "If you weren't texting/calling ____ 20 times a day, you would have sometime to give me some encouragement during the day too". Of course he tried to deny it, but the cell phone bill backed me up. Now after being married 19 years he has finally started again. It truely makes my day to get even just one text knowing that he was thinking of me. His payoff, I am usually in a much better mood for sex.

I don't think any of use are totally secure in our relationships without constant reminders and that goes both ways. It's nice to know that one little text could bring him some relief on an otherwise stressful day.
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  #207  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:09 PM
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That would be a great idea, if Mohegan ever charged her damn cell phone!!

Honestly, I need to stop assuming that my wife automatically knows why I'm doing things. She's not psychic (on most days ), and I guess I've been expecting her to read my mind. I thought she knew why I've been doing certain things, making certain life changes, ect. Turns out she had no clue.

And here I was, thinking that all this stuff I've been working on for her, and the concern I show for her didn't mean anything to her, which really hurt. As it turns out, it's not that she didn't care, she didn't know it was for her......

Women should come with instruction manuals, dammit.
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  #208  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
That would be a great idea, if Mohegan ever charged her damn cell phone!!
Might help.


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Women should come with instruction manuals, dammit.
What fun would that be. I guess it would make things easier.
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  #209  
Old 08-16-2010, 06:56 PM
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I want cry. I really hate this constant mess. I enjoy those rare times when it seems to be going right.

Karma and g/f were e-mailing back and forth and she said she had talked with her other boyfriend and he was having issues sharing her as well. That she had a better understanding of where I was coming from now. That she felt like he was only letting her date Karma because he had no other choice.

That isn't it! I have a choice. I can pack my shit up and move back to Ohio. I can tell him to break it off and try to rebuild us without a whole other relationship being involved. I have plenty of options. I don't want them. All I could think reading what she wrote, was she's gonna get scared and break up with Karma. She's gonna think she's causing to much pain and end things. Partialy cuz I think she has no balls to stand her ground and fight for what she wants, and partialy cuz she thinks it's the right thing to do. Well it's not damn it! Breaking my husbands heart is no the right fucking thing to do.

Yes seeing them together hurts me. But thinking of him heart broken, going through the pain of having your relationship end becauase there is nothing you can do...that will destroy me. I cannot see him go through that.

That is why I suck it up. That is why I am trying to find a way to do this without hurting. I don't see them ending things as an option. I see me dealing with and working through pain and issues as the only option. Because I love my husband. And I don't want to just be okay with this, I want to embrace it.

I was thinking on things this morning and another part of the pain. Part of the sharing issue I guess. Is that there are two seperate relationships. When my wife was staying with us, that was how I envisioned our little family. We could all cuddle together and feel comfort and love. Karma would leave for school and she and I would snuggle down in bed together as he kissed us both good bye. And I felt nothing but love. Nothing but contentment. There was no issue if he sat with her on the couch, or me on the couch, or both of us, or me and her. It was all the same.

I wanted that with whoever else we brought into our family. I wanted us to build something together. And if it didn't work as a triad, that's fine, but there would still be the emotional connection of a deep friendship. The M-F'ing compersion. I don't have that with g/f. Her well being matters because she matters to Karma. Not because I give a damn about her. I guess I give A damn, but that's about all. She's like a distant relation, I'm supposed to like her and get along with her and care for her because she's family. And I just don't. There's an aquaintence there and that is all. I've said over and over if I met her in a different way, she isn't someone I would want to continue a friendship with. We just don't relate.

So there is no connection between us. If Karma left and she and I were here in the house it would be filled with silence or random small talk to fill said silence. There's no comfort there. We've both tried and I just don't feel it.

So to see my husband hold, kiss, touch, fall asleep with, someone I have no feelings towards, it hurts. Because we don't all share something. She's like this foreign object that my husband wants to spend time with, and I don't know why, so it hurts me. I know why he wants to spend time with my wife, so I'm okay with it. I can see what he sees in her. I don't see what draws him to g/f.

And maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I never will. But he loves her and I need to figure out how to accept that without it hurting. I need to know why he wants to spend time with her instead of me. it's not so much why does he want to spend time with another woman, as much as it is, why her.

Wow break throughs for breakfast. Yum.
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  #210  
Old 08-16-2010, 08:31 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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She's gonna think she's causing to much pain and end things. Partialy cuz I think she has no balls to stand her ground and fight for what she wants, and partialy cuz she thinks it's the right thing to do. Well it's not damn it!
This is an interesting and not foreign concept. I have felt it too although I don't think it has anything to do with not having the balls to fight for what you want. If she is like me she is concerned for your primary relationship. I have the same thoughts sometimes but eventually you have to trust in what people are telling you unless there is an obvious discrepenciy in what they are saying and what you are feeling. Then you have to step up and do what is right...of course "what is right" is subjective.

It's such a rollercoaster for those trying to determine if they are a positive or negative in the lives of those you love. It's also a struggle in trying to figure out if they would be better or worse off without you. Work, work, work...but it's worth it
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