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  #141  
Old 07-20-2010, 01:27 AM
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Karma Karma is offline
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I would die.

Seriously, I would just..... die. Life without garlic?? Unthinkable!
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  #142  
Old 07-20-2010, 02:24 AM
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I experienced odd emotions a lil bit ago. Karma called g/f to see how she was doing/feeling and she was with a friend and her other b/f.

I have no idea why, but I was jealous. What The Fuck! My emotions have suddenly decided she can't be with anyone but Karma. Ummm, not how this works, not how she works, and I don't tend to get jealous, let alone jealous of a guy I don't like. Maybe that was it. Maybe I don't like it b/c I don't like him, honestly I find him to be the scum of scum, but to each their own.

Interesting thoughts to work through. I guess in a way it shows I'm starting to care for her. I tend to feel no one is good enough for Karma, so I guess by feeling no one is good enough for her, but Karma, I'm making complicated improvements


Karma and I went in search of flavored tobacco for the pipe he got at the pow wow. We had some luck. But no where near the selection Ohio has, maybe ppl here just have less time on there hands? There's a shop called Shamans Den we're gonna check out hopefully wednesday. I'm still looking for a pipe to use in ritual. (Shamans tend to send prayer to the anscestors up in tobacco smoke). and then we did some walking and are now enjoying a quiet evening at home.
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  #143  
Old 07-20-2010, 11:16 PM
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Do not feel good today, not sure if it's been the new meds, if I'm getting sick or something else, but I've been feeling really off the last two weeks. And the random nausea is getting old fast. Today that's mixed with feeling like passing out. Bah!

Karma and I started reorganizing the living room and with books all over the floor he took off to g/f's house. The friend of Karmas she slept with has gotten crazy obsessive and she told him today that she was done and didn't want to see him anymore and he blames the whole things on Karma. Whatever, we all find it laughable how someone that intelligent can be that immature. If he thinks she is so easily molded why does he want her at all? Oh wait to manipulate and mold her himself, instead of letting her emmerge as an adult on her own. He ahs always made me a little apprehensive but now I just don't want anything to do with him. Dude is fucking creepy. He's putting her other b/f (sometimes referred to as her ex on here) to shame and that dude is obsessed!!

I'm kinda happy to sit here in my little hole and not deal with it.

The other reason Karma took off was to sit down with g/f's mom and discuss the self defense g/f's 10 yr old brother wants to learn. Karmas okay with teaching, but isn't doing anything without parental consent. Which I admire.

But I now have a maze in my living room, dinner will be ready in 10 min and Karma is off being a superhero. I'm not upset that she needs him. I'm upset he couldn't wait 30 min, eat dinner, help put books away and then go.

I'm having a hard time seeing where his priorties are. He seems fine to spend alone time with me, or do things around the house or whatever, but the minute she calls, everything drops and off he goes. I'm not as strict about the 24 hr rule I had originaly, mostly b/c they ignored it anyway. "I know it's not 24 hrs but..." I'm not overly upset, my world isn't falling apart nor am I seething in anger, but I'd like to solve this feeling before that happens. I'm starting to feel like I'm only good enough to fill his time until she calls.

And I get that they don't live together. I get their time is scheduled around school, her family, her other b/f and me. And I enjoy time with her now that things aren't so awkward. Karma did ask if I minded her coming over, and I don't. I just don't don't so well with last minute plans.

I guess that is the root of the issue. I never have done well with it and it seems thats all there is anymore and I feel a bit like I'm spinning out of control.
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  #144  
Old 07-21-2010, 12:24 AM
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I don't know if you want advice but try scheduling in some time for the 2 of you to spend together. It's pretty easy to take someone we live with for granted.
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  #145  
Old 07-21-2010, 12:37 AM
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Thanks Derby, I'm always open to advice,opinions, another way to see things. We have gotten better at scheduling time together to do things. I'm just frustrated with the last minute stuff. I know he'll come home and help me, but it's just frustrating for things to just get dropped b/c she called.

More than anything, it's my control issues and my inability to deal with things outside of my routine. Karma is very spontaneus, If he wants to do something he just up and does it. For a number of reasons I can't do that. It's frustrating, but I think it's my issue to deal with more than his. He needs to know where my frustration comes from, but I need to be more adaptable.

Having to share him is still new. Having to schedule things around what they have planned is new. Like I thought we were going to the Shamans Den (an herb and tobacco shop) tomorrow but apparently since it's his wednesday with her (and not her other b/fs, they trade off) that isn't going to happen b/c she wants him to hang out with her and her brother.

Nothing says we can't go Thurs or Fri. But we talked about going tomorrow, so now I'm frustrated cuz plans got changed. It's no where near the end of the world. I guess I really just need to learn to be more adaptable.
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  #146  
Old 07-21-2010, 12:42 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Thanks Derby, I'm always open to advice,opinions, another way to see things. We have gotten better at scheduling time together to do things. I'm just frustrated with the last minute stuff. I know he'll come home and help me, but it's just frustrating for things to just get dropped b/c she called.

More than anything, it's my control issues and my inability to deal with things outside of my routine. Karma is very spontaneus, If he wants to do something he just up and does it. For a number of reasons I can't do that. It's frustrating, but I think it's my issue to deal with more than his. He needs to know where my frustration comes from, but I need to be more adaptable.

Having to share him is still new. Having to schedule things around what they have planned is new. Like I thought we were going to the Shamans Den (an herb and tobacco shop) tomorrow but apparently since it's his wednesday with her (and not her other b/fs, they trade off) that isn't going to happen b/c she wants him to hang out with her and her brother.

Nothing says we can't go Thurs or Fri. But we talked about going tomorrow, so now I'm frustrated cuz plans got changed. It's no where near the end of the world. I guess I really just need to learn to be more adaptable.
I hear you with the new to sharing. I haven't been sharing my husband long either (although we have been talking about it for a good long time). I don't like having my plans changed either! On the bright side not liking having my plans change makes me really concious of interrupting plans that are made between my husband and his girlfriend. Hang in there and just keep talking about what's bothering you and why. Even if you feel like you're just saying the same stuff over and over again.

-Derby
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  #147  
Old 07-21-2010, 04:57 AM
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I think I'm gonna head to bed and do some thinking. Seems to be all I do anymore.
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  #148  
Old 07-21-2010, 05:04 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I hear you with the new to sharing. I haven't been sharing my husband long either (although we have been talking about it for a good long time). I don't like having my plans changed either! On the bright side not liking having my plans change makes me really concious of interrupting plans that are made between my husband and his girlfriend. Hang in there and just keep talking about what's bothering you and why. Even if you feel like you're just saying the same stuff over and over again.

-Derby
This is a hot topic for the week! Just talking about schedules makes bf and hubs crazy but they help me keep things manageable and my mind at ease when it comes to feeling connected. Good advice Derby. Time is the only really irreplaceable commodity isn't it?! Use it wisely and keep love the priority!
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  #149  
Old 07-21-2010, 05:15 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
I would die.

Seriously, I would just..... die. Life without garlic?? Unthinkable!
Me too.

Garlic goes in EVERYTHING I make - well most of it anyhow

I can walk in - say mmmmmmmmmmm yummy - and its usually the pre-cooking garlic
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  #150  
Old 07-21-2010, 09:57 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Today is a day to count my blessings and realize the gifts recieved from the trials passed.

Karma spent last night re-doing all of our books, putting them away in order and cleaning up his Darkon supplies. Today, even though it is g/f's day with him, he helped me finish cleaning, we discussed his plan for school, I paid bills and am getting ready to start cleaning my baking shelves.

But while taking a bit of a break I looked around and sighed. I am so blessed to have Karma. Yes he's hurt me, and I him, but we've walked the path out of the rubble holding hands and smiling. We're back to rarely fighting, communication is amazing, we're eating dinner together almost every night. He's offering to do things instead of me nagging, he's going out of his way to take of me and g/f and make sure our needs are met.

She and I have had some pretty rocky points, but I think she was a blessing in disguise of an affair. Karma seems so much more aware of what it takes to keep a relationship going, and I am trying to be more appreciative of his efforts. She's reminded me what it's like to be young and have this whole world of adventure ahead. I'm only 8 yrs older than her but it seems like forever ago that I was 19 and just getting to figuring things out. I've held that against her, but now I am thankful for it.

I had started to feel that I was getting to old to make my dreams come true. That I had wasted to much time. That I'll never achieve what I want to achieve because I am so far off the plan I set for myself in high school.

She's reminded me that it doesn't matter what plan I had 12 yrs ago, it doesn't matter who I thought I wanted to be, what matters is who I've become and who I want to be now. That plan is no longer relevant to my life, and I'm okay with that. I have a new plan and it includes someone else now. It's not just Karma and I, it's the 3 of us now.

I have a very all or nothing attitude. G/f being in my life has made me force myself to let go of that a bit. She's required me to look at myself deeper and clearer than I have in a long time. It's created a new sense of selflessness. I do things or don't so things with her in mind, not just me and Karma.

It's been hard to adjust to the time issues, and sharing him, but it's made a me a better person. It's helping me become more adaptable. More appreciative of the time I do have alone with him, and the time I have with her. Even if we've both fallen asleep on the couch while Karma cleans. It's still not the ease I have with my wife, but I have hope that it will be one day.

I've had sooooo many people ask why I do it, why I put up with it, why I'm still with him, why I let her in my home. This is why. I'm the one who was hurt the most, and I'm the one getting the most in return.

I have a renewed drive to make something of my life. The pitty party is over. Yes I do need my parents help right now, but one day I'll pay them back. One day they'll look at me and understand why I needed the extra help, why they did what they did. They'll get return on their investment. I want my own home, I want to pay off my debt and I want a successful career. And I know that it isn't going to drop in my lap.

I've never really had to work at anything. I naturaly learn quickly. I breezed through school, dancing, life in general. And now I'm learning. It takes hard work to keep a marriage alive. It takes hard work to create a relationship with my husbands g/f. It takes hard work to finish college. It takes hard work to rise to a level in my career to make the money I want to make to have the things I want.

I think I'm finaly ready. Letting go of all or nothing is hard, but I'm learning something is better than nothing.

I truly am blessed with an amazing husband, an amazing new friend that shares his life, amazing new friends here on the forum that have been so great with support and advice. I'm ready to move forward. I know it won't always be easy and I know I'll prolly want to give up a few more times in this life, but I'm hoping to take this new lesson with me and this new found awareness of my many blessings.
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