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  #11  
Old 05-20-2009, 03:17 AM
TankDiveGirl TankDiveGirl is offline
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It's both.... she's feeling insecure because she feels like I've been trying to create a life that's separate from her, and she feels like i'm more excited about him than i am about her (like i said before, LOTS of NRE going on between he and i...), etc. She's scared right now that I'm going to leave or, conversely, that I'm going to try to force her to accept him as another primary partner when she's not even entirely sure that being out as poly is an okay thing.

I'm totally willing now to go back and take the time i didn't take before. I know that I put us in this place where she's scared and hurt and jealous, etc., and it's up to me to make sure that she knows that I still love her and don't take her for granted or anything like that. It's a tough situation though, because like i said, i never really learned to talk about my feelings and my needs, and I'm getting a crash course in it now.

Thanks for the replies everybody, I've been reading them as they come in and I appreciate everyone's point of view.

J
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  #12  
Old 05-20-2009, 01:28 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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It may also help if you read some books on polyamory. We grow up in a culture where wh know how couples are suppose to act. We have to guess and figure out how poly relationships are "suppose" to be. So some books on the subject may help out everyone involved to feel more comfortable and understanding.

There are other poly groups like these forums, podcasts and conventions that may or may not be your thing.
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2009, 06:56 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Tank,
I think you've gotten one of the biggest pieces. Communication. You all have to be able to sit down and talk about everything that goes on in your relationship. When my wife and I first started out, we had a lot of the same issues/concerns. I needed to make sure that my wife understood that the new excitement was part of ANY new relationship. Had nothing to do with wanting to be with the other person more, it was just...new.

Like others have said, you have to constantly show and reinforce to your wife that you love her and are never going to leave her. In our situation, my wife has always had total "veto" power and she's known that. She knows that she has complete ability to say no to someone that she doesn't feel comfortable with. Whether they be someone I date separate, or bring home. I think that's helped her tremendously.

The other part is to show your wife that you're not hiding anything from her. More importantly, DON'T HIDE ANYTHING FROM HER!! I know there are going to be things that she might not like, but you won't know that until you tell her. She's also got to understand that until those things come up and she discusses them with you, she can't get upset about them. (IE...handholding in public. If she didn't specify that this was a no no, then she shouldn't get upset with you until AFTER she's already talked to you about it and you decided to do it anyway...not that you would of course)

I know how it feels to want things to work and to feel like you're the one that has to be that catalyst. I think you're doing a great job of trying to make sure that everyone is happy, but in order to really ensure that, you have to have those totally open lines of communication.

Look forward to seeing how things go and please please ask any questions that you might have.
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  #14  
Old 05-20-2009, 08:58 PM
TankDiveGirl TankDiveGirl is offline
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That's the thing that I wasn't totally clear about. I knew that being out at school (handholding, etc.) was one of her boundaries, and I knowingly crossed that boundary. The reason isn't so much that she's uncomfortable with us being out at school, though she's not comfortable with that, but it's that i work in the building where her department is housed, and i work with S. Her friend that saw us together works in that building also, and many of L's professors and colleagues either have offices or teach classes in this building. So it's not just a matter of her not wanting "people" to know, but of her not wanting to jeopardize her professional and academic career because her colleagues are uncomfortable with her lifestyle choices.

L does have complete veto power; she and S are friends and get along famously, so she hasn't felt like she's had to use it, which is good, because I think that things will work out, it's just a question of going back to basics and making sure everyone is REALLY on the same page before we continue rather than just barging ahead and assuming.

I have embarked on a policy of complete and total honesty, which i think will serve us all well in the long run. I don't want to cause any more hurt or distrust between us, because she doesn't deserve that. I love her more than i've ever loved anyone, which is why i married her, and I appreciate so much that she's willing to take this journey with me. And i know i've done a lot of wrong things in starting this out the way I did, but i'm working on rectifying the situation and making it mutually agreeable to all three of us -- and i know that open and honest communication is really the only way to do that.

J
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  #15  
Old 05-20-2009, 09:21 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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You are now ready for the Jedi Poly trials. (Man I'm a geek!!) Seriously though, you hit it right on the head. Open and honest communication is key. I'm not going to wish you luck, because I'm sure you all will work this out.

If you have any other questions, please ask. Also, let us know how things are going. I know I LOVE seeing another successful poly group out there.
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  #16  
Old 05-21-2009, 06:46 PM
TankDiveGirl TankDiveGirl is offline
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I do have one other question, actually... This is something that's really really frustrating to me, and I'm not sure how to fix it.... L constantly compares herself to S, especially in sexual situations, etc. I KNOW that this is one of the worst things that she can do, but the few times I've brought it up, she just gets her feelings deeply hurt... I've tried explaining the differences between how i love each of them, but she isn't reassured by that for more than a day or so... Is there a way to make that easier? Or is that another one of the things that will just take time (and wearing off of NRE) to get through?

You guys have been so helpful so far...

*hugs*
J
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  #17  
Old 05-21-2009, 06:50 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Yeah, that's another one of those time things. In my experience in this lifestyle, that was the only thing that really showed my wife that I didn't love someone else more than her. That along with constant, and I mean constant reassurance. Make sure your wife knows that it's not a comparison game. Has she read, or done any research on the poly lifestyle? That might help her. Maybe if she came here and asked a few questions. Big thing to remember too, is to put no pressure on her. She'll come around on her own time. That may not be the schedule that you were hoping for, but if you want it to work (and I know that you do) then she's gonna have to work through things on her own.
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  #18  
Old 05-21-2009, 06:58 PM
TankDiveGirl TankDiveGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
Yeah, that's another one of those time things. In my experience in this lifestyle, that was the only thing that really showed my wife that I didn't love someone else more than her. That along with constant, and I mean constant reassurance. Make sure your wife knows that it's not a comparison game. Has she read, or done any research on the poly lifestyle? That might help her. Maybe if she came here and asked a few questions. Big thing to remember too, is to put no pressure on her. She'll come around on her own time. That may not be the schedule that you were hoping for, but if you want it to work (and I know that you do) then she's gonna have to work through things on her own.
She does know it's not a comparison game; I've made that abundantly clear... I also have given her tons of reasons why I'm not leaving and why I haven't stopped loving her or even CHANGED my love for her at all. We've both been doing a lot of reading about poly and stuff, and I've requested some books from the library too, so as soon as those get here we'll start looking at them more.

She's been reading this thread; she hasn't joined the forums yet, but she probably will.

My attitude about this is that we have all the time in the world -- S says that he doesn't want anything else and that he's not going anywhere, and L says she wants this to work out, and I know I'll do whatever it takes to help that to happen. I have nothing but time, and, being a student, all i have this summer is my summer research and the two of them, so by the end of the summer (3 months from now), I think we'll have some sort of workable schedule and whatnot for next school year. S just graduated, so he's doing the job search, and L is about a year and a half behind me, so we'll be in this area for quite some time yet. And i'm not pushing things, because i tried that and it blew up in my face , so i won't be doing that again!!

Thanks again,
J
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  #19  
Old 05-22-2009, 04:34 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Tankgirl......sorry for not putting my 2 cents in earlier, but have been away on vacation and not near a computer........welcome to the forum.....and try to get L & S to join in too.....I am a relatively new member myself, my wife has just joined as has our 3rd.....they are doing plenty of reading, I am doing all the commenting (I'm the big blogger in the home).....I'm sure that will change as they become more comfortable with the forum and start opening up themselves......now back to you, L & S......

You said something critical earlier about how L had "lost a previous partner to a man".....there has to be some serious baggage for her on that topic and clearly it could be a big reason for her feeling that, "uh, oh here we go again" sensation. Clearly she doesn't want to have to live thru that situation happening again, with you. I can sense her panic at the thought of having to live it again.....panic and fear make us react, in not so nice or measured ways.

Secondarily, she may have issues with control in this threesome, and needs to control who (in the public arena)knows about it. I can relate there. My wife and I have lived in the same small community for 26 years and literally know thousands of our town folk. As we moved into the poly lifestyle, one of the things that most worried her, was that someone would see me and our
3rd sharing some PDA......part of her worry was about shame, I think, and having people calling her to let her know that they saw her husband out about town with another woman on his arm...yikes! She was afraid they'd giggle under their breath or perhaps offer their sympathy which would in turn be very embarrassing for her. Not fun. So I can see in your predicament, with school, departments at work, etc that she might have a whole range of feelings she's going thru.

As everyone else here has said, talking is the only way to solve any of this.....and of course developing a little "thick skin" as to what anyone else in town thinks of your threesome never hurts, either. The poly lifestyle has indeed been an education and a fantastic growing process for me, personally. It sounds like you have a really good three going too. I'm sure you all will be able to iron out your issues over the next few months.....keep at it. Keep loving!
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  #20  
Old 05-22-2009, 01:28 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Yeah, society projects a feeling of shame on a person who appears to be cheated on and doesn't know it. When I was in my triad, this was one of the worries of my first girlfriend. Neighbors and people at the resturants we go to would judge her as being "cockold" (I dont think there is a word for a woman).

At first we just hid and PDA and all acted as good friends. But my other girlfriend kind of felt left out since she had to act as a friend. So we went the other extreme and showed PDA while all three of us were around. So neighbors would just assume we were kinky instead. (I guess that is better than neighbors feeling synpathy for you.)
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