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  #1  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:11 PM
Tseras Tseras is offline
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Default Partner deceiving her other partner

Recently my partner of six months F has started dating G, turning our relationship into a V with my partner in the middle. This is our first foray into serious polyamory and I always made my best to be very supprotive of F.

However as their relationship began to progress I realized that F has yet to tell G anything of me or of our polyamory. So as far as G understands F is monogamous and is cheating on her partner (me). For the same reason she was insistant that I do not meet G yet as she does not want him to know about me. Naturally this left a sour taste in my mouth when I found out about this. For me polyamory is about honesty and I do not feel good when my partner goes out of her way to pretend she is not devoted me.



She says that she wants to tell him but doesn't know a way how and is afraid that he will reject her if he finds out that she's poly. She says she's waiting for the right moment, but the longer she waits the more serious their relationship gets and the more damage will be done when she does reveal it!



With that I would like to ask a couple of questions from the more experienced poly folk here.

First of all, is her dishonesty in this case normal for poly relationships or is it a red flag that I should watch out for?

Second, what would be the best way for her to tell him that she is poly?

Third, is it really my concern as to whether or not she is being honest with her other partner, or am I being too meddlesome in her life? Is it really my place to demand her to be honest in this case, especially if it might compromise her relationship?

Finally when is the "right moment" to tell a possible romantic prospect that you're poly?
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  #2  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:30 PM
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Firedancer Firedancer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tseras View Post
With that I would like to ask a couple of questions from the more experienced poly folk here.

First of all, is her dishonesty in this case normal for poly relationships or is it a red flag that I should watch out for?
Dishonesty should never be accepted in any relationship, I would definately say that this is a red flag. If she is lying to him, she may be lying to you about something.


Second, what would be the best way for her to tell him that she is poly?
Gently and being open to his reaction. Not being defensive.


Third, is it really my concern as to whether or not she is being honest with her other partner, or am I being too meddlesome in her life? Is it really my place to demand her to be honest in this case, especially if it might compromise her relationship?
I personaly think that it should your concern. I have had some moments in my quad where my partner and our girlfriend were not/have not been completely honest with the fourth person in our quad, her boyfriend. It had nothing to do with me, but I will not be involved in a relationship with any of them if anyone is lying about anything. Poly is about openess, honesty and love. So, I personaly think it is your place to demand that she be honest. If he cares about her, he will at least listen, but this is something that should have been brought up much sooner. No way I would stand for my partner absolutely putting his foot down on my meeting his partner/s.


Finally when is the "right moment" to tell a possible romantic prospect that you're poly?
Second date... I personaly think waiting any longer is just lying to your prospect. Who wants to be caught off gaurd a month or two into a relationship that thier partner is poly? Just sayin....
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  #3  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:33 PM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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Lightbulb In My Humble Opinion

1) Red Flag - Big Red FLAG

2) She should tell him NOW...not later.. NOW ! Just tell him, there is never a perfect time or a perfect way to tell someone, you just have to do it.

3) You should be very concerned about her dishonesty in this situation. She should have told anyone that she dates (and this goes for you too) what her lifestyle/dating preferences are. What her dynamics are in regards to being poly. All this should be upfront and if the new person who one is getting involved with can't handle it, they should have that opportunity to walk away from any relationship they might have with her or you. To tell someone after they have invested time and emotional involvement is just cruel and against everything that makes a poly person, as far as I'm concerned.

Just My 2cents worth,
Tim
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Last edited by WaywardDruid; 04-28-2010 at 06:45 AM.
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  #4  
Old 04-28-2010, 01:51 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Quote:
So as far as G understands F is monogamous and is cheating on her partner (me).
Well, not to be an old fussbudget, but it would seem that G is not playing perfectly straight here either. If he's willing to participate in what he thinks is a backdoor amour, will he hesitate to cheat on that too if the opportunity arises?

So yeah, I agree with the others: be cautious. There has been a bit of dishonest behavior from more than one angle.
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:53 AM
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Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
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Absolutely, be cautious. If G is willing to be "the other" without your knowledge, then there's no respect for you there, and it's not likely that there will be.. that being said, your partner is showing you no particularly great amount of respect by allowing G to believe that she's cheating on you without your knowledge... personally, I'd insist on her coming clean with him asap, or breaking it off. What's she got to fear? If he's willing to be part of an illicit affair, why wouldn't he be part of something that didn't HAVE that stress attached to it (of course, I know that answer.. if it's cheating, that's understandable, but polyamory, what the fuck is THAT?).

If it were me, and I know it's not, I'd contact him myself (if she refuses to be honest) and say "look, I know you're dating her, but I actually am ok with that, as long as y'all keep it on the up and up with me, ok?".
I know.. freaky sounding, but I WOULD... I expose my polyamory pretty easily, so that's the way I'd go about it.. most likely won't work for many other folks, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Then again, in our lives, if one of us meets someone, we come clean right away.. if they can't deal with our lifestyle, then they're not worth the effort of building a relationship with.
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  #6  
Old 04-28-2010, 03:12 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I agree with the others that this is a big red flag. If she is being dishonest here, she could lie to you about other relationships. For example, she could be seeing someone else and hiding it from you because she is not sure how to tell you.

She needs to work on an open, honest relationship or she can create a bad foundation for her relationships.

I would say that you should be very careful with her until you can telll she is being open and honest and communicating to everyone.
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  #7  
Old 04-28-2010, 03:58 AM
sisterinlove sisterinlove is offline
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Default Honesty

In my opinion, when it comes to polyamory, and most other things in life, honesty from the beginning is always the best policy. When my husband and I decided to open up to the poly lifestyle, we decided on a full disclosure agreement. It is something I recommend. Sometimes the truth can be painful or scary, and sometimes it may loose you a potential partner. But those who can deal honestly with each other have the best chance for long term happiness. Not dealing honestly from the beginning tends to lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and growing mistrust.

Trust is the easiest thing to loose, and the hardest thing to get back.
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  #8  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:04 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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i'm sorry, i've only succeeded at failing at relationship so i'm just trying to let you know what mistakes i made.... and not being entirely honest was one mistake that was made and ruined the best relationship i've ever had or possibly could ever have had.... so please take what i say with grain of salt...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tseras View Post
is it really my concern as to whether or not she is being honest with her other partner, or am I being too meddlesome in her life? Is it really my place to demand her to be honest in this case, especially if it might compromise her relationship?
in my humble opinion, yes, yes it is. you love F, you are just watching out for F and this is a red flag in that the relationship is being built on a lie. F is not being true to herself and not being open and honest about who she is with. how can they ever have a full loving relationship if she does not share that side of her that she is poly... G does not know a very important part of who F is, and is that right? what happens if F starts to fall for somebody else? then G thinks G is being cheated on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tseras View Post
far as G understands F is monogamous and is cheating on her partner (me).
For me polyamory is about honesty and I do not feel good when my partner goes out of her way to pretend she is not devoted me.
it is not fair to G to keep poly a secret. it is placing an unrealistic expectation on their relationship of monogamy...
and it is unfair to you. I understand if perhaps F is not ready to "come out of the closet" to the world, but is it right of F to be in the closet to a partner?
it will prob hurt G a lot when F finally does tell G .... but it is the right thing to do.

no good can come out of hiding who you are or what you believe from a loved one... how can you call it love if you are not your WHOLE self.... you know what i mean?
what you are doing is ok, in that you are just asking them to be honest and avoid hurt....

again, this is just my humble, honest opinion...it is not the bible or anything and i'm really sorry if i sound like i know it all, because trust me i don't and i just want to say what i've experienced....
thanks

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunderlizard View Post
AWhat's she got to fear? If he's willing to be part of an illicit affair, why wouldn't he be part of something that didn't HAVE that stress attached to it (of course, I know that answer.. if it's cheating, that's understandable, but polyamory, what the fuck is THAT?)
the only thing i can think of, is maybe she is afraid G will not want to share her openly? which is not an entirely logical fear because G has not asked F to leave their spouse/SO which tells me G is ok on some level with sharing F.... I think F would be pleasantly surprised, but by now the damage is done and it is time to come clean and pay the piper. it may cost the relationship, but if it does... it is an unfortunate lesson to learn in the art of being true , open,and honest to all partners.
maybe F feels she has dug a hole and just does not know how to climb out of it. ok, understandable... if that is the case then ask F this... "would you rather confess and try to climb out of a 6 ft deep hole or would you rather keep on digging a hole and then have to climb out of a 12 foot hole later on when either G finds out thru F , or U, or on G's own..."
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-28-2010 at 10:39 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #9  
Old 05-03-2010, 08:05 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wow that's pretty selfish and cowardly. I would be very angry and hurt if I heard someone had lied to me about their relationship status at any point in the relationship. I doubt I would want to stay with them. Not only because they lied but because they had been selfish, cowardly and disrespectful. I have a very high standard though when it comes to partners. The bar is very high at this point.

This is not a poly relationship its cheating. That's my opinion. I hope that is clearly stated when this person finds out, because its people like her that make it tough for us honest folks to be proud of who we are.

After a good long wallow in the humble pit of guilt, shame, embarrassmentment and feeling really sorry she has done this. A little kissing ass might help too. This decieved person deserves that at the very least, please know that it can be chalked up to a lesson learned. Honesty is the best policy, right from day one. In my opinion from first encounter. Not second date, not first date, from the first moment that there is a chance it will go further than friendship.
Sorry this sounds firm, but on this topic, I am firm.
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  #10  
Old 05-04-2010, 10:12 PM
constlady constlady is offline
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Quote:
because its people like her that make it tough for us honest folks to be proud of who we are.
Amen!

And I could not be partnered with someone who was willing to lie to another partner. That's just who I am.

Yes, it's really difficult to be upfront about being poly knowing full well that most other people don't understand it and that you are risking losing a relationship before it even starts.

I'd guess most of us have experienced rejection based solely on being non-monogamous. Having felt that pain, most of us still choose to do the right thing and be totally honest about our relationship style from the start.

Even taking that very subjective idea of "right" and "wrong" out of the equation, the bottom line is that what she's doing doesn't work.
After all, how successful can a relationship that is based on a lie really be?

And as others before me have said, if my partner is willing to lie to another partner, how can I trust that I'm not being lied to?

To me it's about character, integrity, respect and trust - qualities that are required in anyone whom I call a partner.

Doing things that are difficult but are the right things to do is how those qualities are developed. Perhaps this is an opportunity for F to do some developing ...
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