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Old 05-03-2010, 07:46 PM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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Default Dealing with unexpected pregnancy

So Dw might be pregnant.

Quick background - our poly relationship is about 6 months old. DH and I have been married for 3 years, and Dw and I are soulmates. Dh and Dw are also in love with eachother. We have a seemingly happy triad - though we have our issues; but thats to be expected.

Anyways, though we are using protection, and charting, and in fact Dh was out of town for school for the majority of 6 weeks - it only takes once and Dw might be pregnant. She is 6 days late, and has many typical early pregnancy signs.

She has admitted that if this were a typical mono relationship she wouldnt feel ready to have a baby with Dh. And the timing is quite soon - we already have 4 kids (2 biologically mine, 2 hers with her husband who she maintains a relationship with) - all kids are under 4 years old.

Im feeling...well...very nervous. It was my goal for dh and dw to eventually have a child, I think it would make the triad feel more inclusive and less 'our kids' v 'her kids', but I wasnt expecting it now.

Im feeling like i could very easily be envious of the pregnancy, as happy as I would also be for her and for us, and that the envy could easily manifest itself as anger - and I dont want that.

Im also feeling like I will be forgotten when it comes to support. Dw will need a lot given that she is the pregnant one, and will have to tell her dh - which will devastate him, and dealing with having a baby when she didnt really want to have one yet. DH will need a lot of support because he has recently lost his mum, has a girlfriend (its what he calls her) who is pregnant and will be unsure how his wife feels. I will have to make sure he knows that I am okay.

Given that Im not the one pregnant, or dealing with those emotional issues, Im worried I wont get the support I need - especially since I think ill need some.

Our relationship didnt start out on the positive of notes. We had drinks, swapped husbands, and forgot to discuss anything. Its taken us a long time to get to where we are now. I think some of my insecurities from the way the onset of the relationship was will come back now.

Anyways else deal with an unexpected pregnancy, even in the early stages of a poly relationship?
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Old 05-03-2010, 11:10 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
Anyways, though we are using protection, and charting, and in fact Dh was out of town for school for the majority of 6 weeks - it only takes once and Dw might be pregnant. She is 6 days late, and has many typical early pregnancy signs.
I'm sorry can you clarify what you mean? Did a condom break? Has she taken a pregnancy test? What does Dh being out of town have to do with it?



In the end you or Dh don't have a say. It's up to her. You can tell her what your scared of. You can tell her how you think it will make you feel. You can ask her to listen.

If I was in your shoes I would be really worried. Six months isn't a long time and it sounds like you had a rough start as it is. I would feel like this is the wrong time to make things even harder and more complicated. This will add stress to your relationship. It might work out great. Or it might rip the three of you apart. You would know better then anyone who doesn't know you three about what the chances are.

What does Dh and Dw think about it?
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Old 05-04-2010, 12:14 AM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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A condom did not break, that we know of - but 3 of our four babies were concieved while using condoms. She has taken a test, but it was quite early (1 day late) and so we are waiting until she is 8 days late. We usually have a very active sex life, so DH being out of town - while not completely relevant means that they had far fewer sexual encounters, so you would think it even less likely that she would get pregnant. They had sex twice in the 6 weeks, as opposed to usually 3 times a week.

Dw is scared, and rightly so. She isnt sure what will happen either. Dh is very...dh...he is very calm and "whatever will be will be type mentality..."
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There is some truth in what will be will be.

Also-when we worry about the future-we bring negativity into our life unnecessarily-I know-it's easy to do, hard not to.

But it is better to not worry until you know that there is cause for worry.

in terms of getting the care you need-if she is prego, immerse yourself in it. You will find that if you are her primary helper-you will feel more involved and less needy.

Our youngest is biologically mine and my boyfriend's child. My husband was at my side every minute and totally involved. Believe me you-that helps A LOT.


Also-it's a well documented truth that when we are busy helping another person in a way that makes us feel needed and appreciated, we tend to feel more satisfied and happy.
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Old 05-04-2010, 02:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
There is some truth in what will be will be.

Also-when we worry about the future-we bring negativity into our life unnecessarily-I know-it's easy to do, hard not to.

But it is better to not worry until you know that there is cause for worry.

in terms of getting the care you need-if she is prego, immerse yourself in it. You will find that if you are her primary helper-you will feel more involved and less needy.

Our youngest is biologically mine and my boyfriend's child. My husband was at my side every minute and totally involved. Believe me you-that helps A LOT.


Also-it's a well documented truth that when we are busy helping another person in a way that makes us feel needed and appreciated, we tend to feel more satisfied and happy.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in what LR says here.
Life throws stuff at us many times that are not exactly what we planned for.
How it all shakes out depends a lot on our attitude. Emphasizing the positive, realizing that everyone (all the existing kids and partners) is part of this decision and will be effected, and trying to make it an experience for everyone to pull together is a possibility.

Sure there's going to be fears and uncertainties. But isn't that life anyway? Sometimes "what will be" is what we make it

GS
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Old 05-04-2010, 11:08 PM
Petal Petal is offline
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Breath...just breath. Wait until you get the results to panic any more, but then only allow yourself a few minutes to do so because it is what it is and you will be given the tools you need to get through it. Panicking will only make things harder then they need to be.

I understand your fears. My best friend is in a similar situation with her live in boyfriend and the girl he cheated on her with. She's no where near poly minded and needless to say her and the teenage baby momma don't get along at all! Yet, she and her boyfriend of only a year are coping rather well with everything. They have even found a way to co-parent this child with the mother. I tell you this story because it sounds like what you have with your relationships is much stronger then what she has and she's still making it so that means you can too. It sounds to me that you would be a lot more needed by both of them then you seem to think. I'm sure once they see how much you're willing to be there for them they will be that much more appreciative of you and your needs that will come along with this. Good luck.
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:43 AM
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The part that worries me is the "She has admitted that if this were a typical mono relationship she wouldnt feel ready to have a baby with Dh."

Not to deny that new mothers need and deserve support from their loved ones, of course they do. But unless a couple makes a commitment to create and raise a child, you can't genuinely rely on everyone to be committed after the fact. I think that's why so many relationships end within the first year of baby's life. Relationships are a lot of work, and babies are even more work. If the relationship isn't on ultra-firm ground, then something's going to give out. Since by then the baby is already born, and people don't tend to choose adoption as an afterthought, it's usually the relationship that falls apart.

What LR says about being positive definitely makes sense, if it is your desire to create this family and bring this child into the world. But if you all go into this as a call of duty, I don't see it being sustainable.

Of course, this is all based purely on the frightened, hesitant tone of the post, and not generic advice for any unplanned pregnancy. If everyone find themselves excited, after getting over the initial shock, then that's great. Bring on the balloons!
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:15 AM
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Very true Schroeder-
It's important that each person WANTS the situation.

When someone only does something out of duty-it almost always falls apart....

Maca and I were just discussing this yesterday.
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Old 05-07-2010, 03:00 AM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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I think what worries her is that she isnt sure she will ever want a baby with dh. Not because of a lack of commitment, but her dh (who she still has a relationship with) would be devastated and her family would disown her...but at the same time she feels a strong biological and emotional pull to have another child (as do I). she also doesnt feel comfortable having a child with her dh because then the child would be raised in a different house from its father knowingly and on purpose.

Figuring out the having of more children seems to be a big issue for us right now.

btw - negative pregnancy test.
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
I think what worries her is that she isnt sure she will ever want a baby with dh. Not because of a lack of commitment, but her dh (who she still has a relationship with) would be devastated and her family would disown her...but at the same time she feels a strong biological and emotional pull to have another child (as do I). she also doesnt feel comfortable having a child with her dh because then the child would be raised in a different house from its father knowingly and on purpose.

Figuring out the having of more children seems to be a big issue for us right now.

btw - negative pregnancy test.
Are you using "dh" to refer to two different people? I'm finding it very confusing.

In this day and age, it's as common as not to have parents in two different houses, and for kids to go back and forth between them. The way I see it, the kid gets two sets of people who love them, and the parents get a break. Seems like a win-win situation. What matters the most is that children feel loved and valued, whichever roof they're sleeping under.

If I'm interpreting your nicknames properly, you mean that she still has a relationship with her husband but they don't live together, and that he would be devastated if she had a kid with your husband? And that her family would disown her if she had a child with a man who was not her husband?

To put it bluntly, any family who would disown their daughter for any reason probably isn't very loving and supportive to begin with, and therefore isn't the best influence for the child anyway. If she, your husband, and yourself wanted her to have a kid, then you and your husband would form a really good support network for her, plus any friends you have that support your lifestyle.

Whether or not you all decide to have more children, I'm glad to hear the test was negative. It's so much more joyful when babies are made consciously. Sounds like you guys have had several problems with condoms, and you know what they call people who use the rhythm method? Parents... It may be time to consider more effective forms of birth control. If the pill isn't an option for some reason, then at least use a diaphragm with spermicide in addition to the condoms.
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