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  #11  
Old 09-06-2012, 09:12 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Default Eeeeeep! The "L" Word

I spent about two-and-a-half hours texting with Moonlight last night, flirty stuff, sexy stuff, delve into your soul stuff. She had asked if Fly knew how intense our relationship had become. I responded that he knew, but I didn't know if he really truly understood, but that he knows I love him and that he loves me and my happiness is important to him. She then asked me, "Do you love me?"

Yikes.

Moonlight has been telling me she loves me for about the last month. I've skirted the issue with "I adore you!" or "You're so important to me!" It's kind of out of character for me to be so pussyfooty, because typically I'm telling people I love that I love them all the time. In fact, it's not just an aspect of my personality, but a central tenet of my life philosophy: if you love someone, you need to verbally, unequivocally express it and not just assume that they know. I feel strongly that the kids in my class need to hear it, my family needs to hear it, my partners need to hear it, even my pets need to hear it. And there's no question that I love Moonlight. It's a new love, different from what I feel for Fly, but it's real and true. So why haven't I said it?

I think a lot of it has to do with Fly. We were together for probably close to 2 years before he told me he loves me, and even now it's rare that he says it without me asking him to. For him, "love" is a word that's loaded with meanings and expectations, particularly when used in a romantic sense. He feels that it carries connotations of exclusivity, commitment, the whole one-and-only-for-forever-and-ever fairytale. His mindset is still deeply rooted in his monogamous upbringing, despite the fact that he knows that he's not built to be physically monogamous. He still feels sort of guilty about being open sexually sometimes, like it's deviant or something.

I have a feeling that I have some niggling, back-burner idea that he would find it strange or confusing for me to tell someone else that I love them. Not because he would be hurt or threatened by it - more that he wouldn't be able to wrap his head around it, or would be mildly disapproving. He's a very logical person, who keeps his emotions under control and subjugates them to his mental judgement and thought processes. I, on the other hand, am absolutely driven by my emotions, and I embrace intuition and feeling, far more than I would ever value logic. Fly and I are very alike in many ways, but this isn't one of them. I'm afraid he will think I'm using the word lightly, or letting my heart run away with me prematurely. I know this isn't true, but I dislike feeling like my measure's been taken and I've been found wanting. I'm not concerned that this issue would cause a fight or break a boundary - it's more that I just don't want to deal with his skepticism.

Anyway, I told Moonlight last night via text that I love her, and I'm looking forward to telling her again tonight in person. It felt wonderful to express how I feel to her, finally, and not try to dodge around the subject. I'll have to tell Fly this afternoon, and deal with the eye-rolling.

Otherwise, life is good. Punk texted me earlier to let me know he'd landed safely (he's on another business trip) and Kiddo survived his first day at a new school yesterday. Three weeks from today I'll be on a plane to NYC for the first leg of our giant vacation! I've been diligently playing my Spanish language learning CDs, and will now be able to tell everyone in South America that I don't understand Spanish
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo

Last edited by RainyGrlJenny; 09-06-2012 at 09:59 PM.
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  #12  
Old 09-12-2012, 09:00 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Default All is Groovy

Life continues to be fantastic. Fly and I create such a great family and home together. Kiddo has started his new school and seems to be doing well and making friends. Fly's work situation and my work stuff still stresses me out, but it's nothing we can't handle.

Moonlight and I have had a couple more dates, including one overnight that was really beautiful. She had bought me a book of poetry, and read some to me while we were cuddled together in her bed. Such squishy gooey romance! It's one of the things I love about her, that she is such a romantic. There have been a couple red flags, though. She says a lot of possessive things, that I don't really mind, except that they imply she would rather I was just with her. Things like, "That pussy's mine, Fly can play with it but it belongs to me." or "If you and Fly weren't together, I would take such good care of you." Possessive statements on their own aren't enough to wig me out; I'm not terribly triggered by things like that. I know that I'm owned by no one, and would not stand for someone to actually treat me as a possession. It was more the idea that she and I only should belong together that made me itchy. I was uncomfortable enough to speak up (which I'm not very good at - I'm a peace-keeper, not a boat-rocker) and remind her that I love Fly, and that he's not going anywhere. That I believe in loving multiple people, and that a relationship doesn't have to be one-and-only to be wonderful and satisfying. I don't think she's a cowgirl, I think she just is comfortable in a monogamous mindset. She hastened to reassure me that she's not interested in breaking up my home, and she does behave very respectfully regarding mine and Fly's agreements. They have a friendly metamour relationship and get along sexually and socially, so I think I'm not going to worry too much about it. I trust her to honor my loves and commitments, but I'll also stay aware and curtail anything that seems to go too far in that direction.

She's not thrilled about my relationship with Punk either, and I can understand why from her perspective. When Moonlight and I met, Punk and I were on a downswing and had kind of drifted apart for a month or two. I actually sort of thought our time together had probably come to a bit of an end. He was in my list of grey-area former lovers, and to have him resurface as someone I care about and may have sex with again doesn't set well with her. I think Fly is easier for her because he is my primary and someone I have built a life with, whereas Punk is someone who is important but not present on any kind ongoing level.

I'm not the sort of poly person who needs to feel completely free to love and sleep with anyone I want. I'm happy to take my lovers' opinions and desires into consideration, and I feel like accountability and compromise is part of building and maintaining a relationship. I know sharing is not Moonlight's ideal, but I also recognize that she cares enough to work with what I throw at her, even when it's difficult. She's used to dating/sleeping with multiple people, but not loving more than one. I'm impressed that she's doing as well as she is. I'm completely prepared and happy to decide that I will not be seeking new romantic or sexual partners for the foreseeable future because I know that is what she would prefer. I'm perfectly ok with that. I just need her to be understanding and considerate of my current relationships.

All that being said, I'm excited for my movie date with Punk next week! I haven't seen him since early July, so it will be lovely to reconnect with him, both emotionally and physically. It's been fun texting frequently with him again, and I'm remembering all the reasons I enjoy spending time with him. His energy is so mellow and laid-back, that I sink into this headspace of relaxation around him.

And hey, vacation in two weeks!! I'll be in South America for over a month, visiting Uruguay, Argentina, and Brazil. Fly and Kiddo and I have all gotten our shots and received our Brazilian visas, so it's just a matter of making packing lists and finalizing things with the house-sitters and things like that. I'm uber-stoked to find the perfect souvenirs to bring back for Moonlight and Punk.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #13  
Old 09-14-2012, 03:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
She says a lot of possessive things, that I don't really mind, except that they imply she would rather I was just with her. Things like, "That pussy's mine, Fly can play with it but it belongs to me." or "If you and Fly weren't together, I would take such good care of you."
Some people like to say they own a lover's body or genitals just for sexual fun, and it really isn't anything to worry about. But her saying she would take better care of you if Fly weren't around gives me pause. I know you spoke to her and feel she won't create any ickiness, and I'm glad to also see that you will be on the lookout for any potential problems, but if I were you I would make sure to tell her not to say those kinds of things anymore. Even if she reassures you of her respect for your other relationships, those kinds of remarks are not respectful, and can be a kind of poison to you and your relationship with Fly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny View Post
She's not thrilled about my relationship with Punk either, and I can understand why from her perspective.
Eeek, she tells you this as well? If so, I would be very cautious. I can understand if someone says, "I'm not thrilled with you dating other people" in general, but I would be hopping mad if one of my lovers said anything specifically against another. That just feels so invasive and, indeed, possessive to me.

It is good that she works on her issues, but still, tread carefully!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-14-2012 at 03:55 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-14-2012, 09:20 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Thanks for taking the time to post, nycindie! I always value what you have to say.

I have talked to her, and she has agreed to be more conscientious about what she says and how she says it. I told her that being so possessive, especially regarding my relationship with Fly, makes me uncomfortable and that when she says those things I don't want to be around her. I think she understands now that speaking that way only damages our relationship.

I have a feeling, too, that some of it is like a child, pushing boundaries to see where the line is drawn. I get a sense that she's unsure of where she can fit into my life and is fishing for reassurance that I love her and that she's important to me.

Some of this stems from agreements about the house that Fly and I have set. Essentially, we decided that we could not have lovers at the house in any capacity other than socially if the other partner or Kiddo is home. This basically means that Moonlight can't be at our house unless it's purely friendly, with no touching or affection, unless either both my boys are not home or if we're having a threesome (and Kiddo is not home). This hasn't been a big deal before, because there was no one I really felt the need to integrate into my daily life. Punk and I sometimes struggle for a place to have privacy, but neither of us have a desire to be all up in each other's business.

With Moonlight, it's very different. I want her to come have dinner with us, I want to be able to cuddle on the couch with her with a glass of wine and watch Rick Steves (we're dorks), I don't just want her as a lover, but as a partner and SO.

Fly and I discussed some of this last night, before I went over to Moonlight's. I hesitated a lot about asking to renegotiate, because I'm not very excited for him to have his fuck buddies and FWB's over while I'm home. I felt unfair asking for something that I don't want to extend to him. It turns out that he doesn't even want that for himself. He likes Moonlight quite a bit, and is happy to have her at the house. He just asks that we not show overt affection to each other in front of Kiddo. After Kiddo's tucked in bed, though, he said he's fine with Moonlight and I hanging out and being cuddly and kissy together.

Fly expressed some apprehension about she and I having sex in our home while he's in the house. Because we've all slept together, he wonders if he might be sad for us to be having sexy times in my room when he's not invited. He would like us to include him, at least for a while, and then would be ok with us moving into my space for couple time. I, on the other hand, think it's unbearably rude and presuming to tell my girlfriend "If you want to make love with me in my home, we have to satisfy my boyfriend first." Ewwww! No way, buddy.

After talking some more to him, and to her later, I think we're going to revisit this whole topic when Fly and I get back from vacation in November. All three of us need to give a little, and I know we can get there.

As for her problems with Punk, it's not about him personally. Honestly, I think it's more that I fell down communication-wise with her. I didn't tell her that he is a current lover, because at the time Moonlight and I got together, Punk and I hadn't even spoken for a month, and had been fizzling before that. I really believed that he and I were pretty much over, and I presented him to Moonlight as somebody I had seen in the recent past. It was only upon hearing that I have a date with him next week that she got upset - I kind of inadvertently blindsided her. To her knowledge, I was only seeing one other person (Fly), and I had agreed that I wasn't interested in pursuing new relationships. Then Punk pops up, and I backtrack in what I told her, and left her confused and misinformed. That was mostly my bad, and I realize that I should have made sure Punk and I were on the same page instead of just assuming our status based on my perceptions of his behavior. If she had told me she didn't want me to date Punk because he's Punk, that would be unacceptable. But telling me she's unhappy to discover that I hadn't been completely accurate about a current relationship doesn't bother me at all, except that now I need to regain some of the trust that I accidentally (and with the best of intentions) smudged.

Anyway, I had a lovely conversation with Fly last night about our boundaries, hopes, dreams, and ideals for our relationship, and then went over to Moonlight's house and had much the same conversation with her. We made beautiful sexy love, and then I went home at 2:30 AM and made beautiful sexy love with Fly. I'm freaking exhausted and sucking down coffee like it's air today, but with a smile on my face!
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #15  
Old 09-14-2012, 10:27 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Glad to hear that he's cool with you guys cuddling and being lovey, you dont wanna feel like you have to be weirdly formal with a partner. That said, I sympathize with both you and Fly on this one. Of course you never want to make your gf feel like she's required to participate in threesomes if she actually wants couple time -- ew, that sounds unpleasant for all involved -- but the idea of being in the house with my partner and her other partner, my lover, while they make love without me kind of kills me. I'm just not quite there with my compersion, though I think I'm much closer to being cool with it then I was.

G&E&I have navigated this by the one not involved leaving the house for an hour or so if the other two are having a date night but aren't going out. Either he or I, depending on who's having the date, will take the baby somewhere, or go on a shopping trip, or hit the diner. It's a matter of giving the other two privacy for couple time, and of not having to wonder what's happening in the other room, or if you're going to hear something and get envious, or whether you're going to be invited in, etc etc. Plus, it's an opportunity to get things done, visit friends.

I really am anticipating that we won't need this coping mechanism soon -- once I came home while G&E were still in the shower together and I was totally ok, and the other night Eric got home while Gia and I were still in the bedroom together and he was chill (and even joined us when we asked ). It's just been one of those surprising poly mental/emotional blocks that seems to take time to break down. As the hinge of your vee you don't have to worry about it so much, since they're not clambering to be alone without you, from the sound of it.

Anyways, just some thoughts!
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The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 09-14-2012 at 10:30 PM.
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  #16  
Old 09-19-2012, 08:45 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Thanks AnnabelMore! I've definitely been trying to come up with ways to make it work for the three of us. It's easier that she lives alone, I just get tired of being the one who always has to go to her, pay the bridge tolls, and drive home at 1 AM. I think it's just going to take time and generosity on everyone's part to get where I want to be, and since it's more a matter of inconvenience and idealism than necessity, we have the space to move slowly and adjust.

What sort of wigs me out is that Moonlight is extremely concerned that something is going to happen to piss Fly off and then he'll somehow put the kibbosh on her and my relationship. With the whole threesome thing, she's told me that she doesn't really want to sleep with anyone but me, but that Fly's a cool guy and she's willing to go there if it will make him happier and feel better about her. That just absolutely makes me want to cry! I think she confuses me wanting to maintain my responsibilities to him and our family with him having power over me. I've been trying to convey that I decide how to steer my life, but that his opinions and needs and wants have weight with me, just like hers do.

Despite the ongoing learning curve, things have been awesome. A family member of Moonlight's (who lives in a different state) had a medical emergency last night, and she was upset and wanted me to come spend some time with her. I loved that Fly said "Of course, go to her! She needs you!" when I told him. I've wondered how he would handle me being with someone else so often, since past lovers have pretty much been on a once-a-week or less basis. It's early days, but things look promising. I wish she lived closer - I'd love to see them both every day!
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #17  
Old 09-25-2012, 06:55 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Default Aaaarrrggghhhh!!

So. Stressed. Out.

We leave for South America in 2 days, and I have so much to do and no time to do it in!!

I haven't been able to see Moonlight as much as I would like, so we've been having long (like 3 hours long!) phone calls instead, and I've really been enjoying them. When we're together, we really have a hard time keeping our hands off each other. Talking on the phone has allowed us to get to know each other more, and have some serious discussions about our relationship and where she fits in my life, and what that will look like when I get back from my trip. I'm spending the night at her house tonight, for a long goodbye. I'm fairly certain I'll be useless tomorrow at work.

Punk canceled our movie date last week, and this week I'm just too busy to see him. With all that's gone on between us the last 6 months or so, coupled with the fact that Moonlight would rather I not see people other than Fly and herself, I've pretty much decided that Punk and I are done, romantically and sexually. I'm hoping to salvage our friendship. He and I talked about it a little over text, and I don't think he's that surprised or sad about it. We're going to get together in November when I come home, but really we both know it's time. It's a little bittersweet - he provided love and affection during a time in my life when I really needed it.

I want to be clear that Moonlight did not demand or push me to end things with Punk. She stated her preference, and I took that into account, along with all the other factors involved. It was time to close down the relationship aspect between Punk and I, but I just sort of let it dangle until Moonlight provided the motivation to be clean and fair.

I'm somewhat relieved to settle down with just my two loves. It's hard enough to feel like I'm meeting both their needs, and my own needs. I jokingly told Fly that I want to renovate our garage into a MIL house so Moonlight can just live with us instead of 20 miles away. He thought she might object to living with the chickens (we're planning to turn part of the garage into a chicken coop this winter).

In 36 hours I'll be on a plane, and I won't be back until Halloween!! I'm so excited to go, but I hate the thought of leaving Moonlight for so long. It's the first time I've ever been conflicted about going on vacation.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #18  
Old 11-02-2012, 08:52 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Default Honey, I'm Home!

Finally back from our month in South America! Argentina was amazing, Brazil was nice, and I'm thrilled to be home in my own bed.

Fly, Kiddo, and I were basically in the same room together every night for the entire 33 days, so being in our house and having work and school and plenty of bedrooms for people to spread out in has been wonderful. I love my boys, but there is such a thing as too much togetherness!

I texted a little with Punk yesterday. He's been in Puerto Rico for the month of October on a work trip. I'm not sure when he gets home, or if we'll hang out when he does, but I'm really glad to maintain a good friendship with him.

I wasn't able to communicate with Moonlight much while I was gone, because my wifi while traveling was super unreliable. We skyped a little, but it wasn't enough. I'm spending the whole weekend with her, starting tonight, and I'm so nervous because I'm going to meet her daughter (who is older than I am) and granddaughter, probably tomorrow. Yikes! I love her so much, and I'm all aflutter to see her tonight. I told Fly that he and Kiddo are on their own for dinner, as I have much polishing, shaving, moisturizing, and prettifying to do

Here's my favorite photo from our trip - it was taken at Iguazu Falls in Argentina.

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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 11-14-2012, 12:00 AM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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The first weekend of November, I spent the entire weekend with Moonlight. It was so incredibly beautiful to just hang out with her. We don't get a lot of time together, and it's usually at night, so sex and sleep predominate.

We spent time snuggled on the couch, watching movies. Went out to dinner and discovered that we both love Thai food, but we're both wimps and order it 1 star. We sipped mimosas while she cooked me breakfast, talked about everything under the sun. She gave me an amazing massage, complete with a massage table and lavender oil. I fall a little more in love every day.

I was supposed to meet her daughter and granddaughter, but apparently the daughter doesn't approve of our relationship (I'm the wrong gender, age, race, and I have a boyfriend) and told Moonlight that I couldn't come over. I hate to be a source of friction between them, but I don't really know what to do. Moonlight tells me that her daughter needs to understand that she doesn't have a say over who Moonlight has relationships with, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

Moonlight also came over to our house to watch the elections. She and Fly haven't really seen each other since the last time we all had sex together. The three of us watched tv together, and while it wasn't exactly awkward, there was definitely an undercurrent of "How is this supposed to work?" At one point, Fly wandered off and Moonlight tried to unzip my pants. I reminded her that I'd made promises to Fly not to have sex in the house while he was there, unless he was invited. She asked if that's what I wanted, and it turns out it's a complicated answer. Do I love it when Fly and Moonlight have sex in front of me? Not really. It doesn't bother me, but it doesn't turn me on either. On the other hand, snuggled down sleeping between the two of them was pretty much one of the most heavenly experiences of my life. Anyway, I basically told her that I wasn't making that decision, and that whatever she wants to do is fine with me. Ultimately, nothing happened other than a little making out between she and I, and a goodnight kiss for each of us from Fly. I liked having her welcome in my home.

I have more to write, I think, but work beckons, so I'll post this much and finish later
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:14 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Default Life Goes On

I haven't written in a while, mostly because everything has been going so well. Fly and I have been settling back into our life after our extended vacation and my stints of house/babysitting. Moonlight and I are working on figuring out a schedule that will work for her, I, Fly, and Kiddo so she and I can spend more time together.

Fly and Kiddo came to my family's celebration on Thanksgiving day, which they have never done. Kiddo comes with me occasionally, but Fly is not a big fan of family stuff (he has some baggage from his own relationship with his mother) and has only attended weddings and funerals. It meant a lot to me that he came.

Moonlight's best friend has Thanksgiving on the Friday after, and I was invited. I met her daughter, who is not a big fan of Moonlight's and my relationship. She was polite, smiled and shook my hand, and spent the rest of the evening in the other room. I guess this was as good as could be expected. However, all of Moonlight's other friends were warm and welcoming, and I had a wonderful time. I was informed that I had received the seal of approval from her closest and most important friends, so I was happy and relieved about that.

She's currently in Hawaii, so there has been a lot of texting and long phone calls, and plans to take a long romantic weekend together in January or February.

Punk is in New York for work. We've texted a bit, and are planning a movie date when he gets back in town. I don't mind not having sex with him, but I miss our cuddle-&-tv (food network) nights a lot, and it will be lovely to reconnect.

Life is really, really good.
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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