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Old 08-11-2014, 05:01 PM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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Smile What an adventure life is...

My life has certainly been an interesting one. I grew up in small town America on a dairy farm surrounded by family yet missing that ever-so-important Mother figure. She was so wrapped up in her own stuff that she wasn't capable of being there for anyone else. I graduated from high school early, moved out and married early in life. Little did I know all of the lessons being placed before me about life, love, sacrifice and being true to myself.

The Spirits would call me to become a healer but not before showing me how to heal myself. So where did this journey begin? Really it began before my birth when I made the choice to come here for the purpose of healing others. But I wouldn't admit that to myself until much later after a series of events showed me the way...
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Old 08-11-2014, 05:02 PM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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I got married in 1995 when I was 18. It was great for a while, and then something just seemed to snap. I think it had a lot to do with losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks along on 3/23/96. He became distant and I turned into an emotional wreck. Life was a battle just to get from one day to the next without crying, asking "why me" and feeling this awful bitterness toward other women who had their babies. "How come they can and I couldn't?"

Then the abuse started, mildly at first. I don't think I really even noticed what was taking place in the beginning. He always said he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and if I hadn't made him so mad, etc. Ok, so I was quite emotional and hard to handle at times. Maybe it was my fault. I'd better change for him so he didn't get upset all the time. The abuse seemed to stop just as suddenly as it had started.

But the peace wasn't meant to last. We found out I was pregnant again. Scared...oh boy was I ever! I told the doctor about losing my 1st one and she assured me that a lot of women lose one pregnancy and never lose another one. I asked if I could have an ultrasound. She said wait until 12 weeks along, you'll be able to see more, it'll be more fun that way for you guys.

So at 12 weeks & 3days along, hubby and I went in for the ultrasound. They have those charts on the wall that show your baby in each of the nine months of pregnancy. We looked at them while we were waiting. For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget what happened next. I had been staring straight ahead, afraid to look at the screen until the tech told me everything was ok. Out of the corner of my eye I glanced at my husband. Did I see tears in his eyes? Oh NO! I turned my head to look at him. He looks down at me, crying by this time, "It doesn't look like the picture for three months along" he said to me. The ultrasound tech tells us he'll be right back with the doctor. Dr. comes in, looks, and says the baby never developed beyond seven weeks, there is no heartbeat, and my body hasn't figured it out yet. That's why I hadn't been bleeding or anything. Go home, wait another week and see if my body catches on so I can dispose of it naturally (What an awful, gruesome thing to hear). Well it didn't. A D&C was done a week later on 1/29//99. Tests were done to find out why I'd lost two babies. No answer was found. They said try again in a few months.

After that things got worse and worse. He started drinking and using drugs. The abuse started again, and as time went on it got really bad. Fourth of July weekend he hit me in the face, gave me a black eye. I left to my parentís house to think and try to figure out what I wanted to do. We talked on the phone while I was there. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and he didn't know what came over him. I believed him and went back.

Later I found out he had spent the weekend having sex with my 'best friend'. After that, all summer was such a nightmare. I was pregnant again (He claimed he wanted to be a dad more than anything, although his actions proved a lot differently). In September I started to spot. Not bad but enough so I called the doctor again. The doctor had been keeping a close watch of this pregnancy because of my history. I'd already had ultrasounds done starting at six weeks along. Everything had been ok. I even had pictures of my baby and had seen the little tiny heartbeat. Well it wasn't to be this time either. After I called the doctor, I went directly in for an ultrasound to see if things were still ok. There was no heartbeat anymore. I was 14 weeks along on 9/29/99.

This was just about all I could stand. I blamed my hubby for it. If he hadn't been so abusive, if he hadn't said such cruel things, my babies would still be here. I left him and moved nine hours away to get myself straightened out, maybe even have a life that resembled something normal. That's when Tyler's birth father came into the picture. It wasn't meant to be anything serious and I sure as heck wasn't planning on ever being pregnant again.

It happened though. Funny how things come to be that are just meant to be that way. When we found out I was pregnant, Scott was ecstatic. There was an ultrasound done around six weeks on January 11, 2000. Scott cried when he saw that little image and heard his babyís heartbeat.

Then Tyler's birth father went back to his parentís house to live. I heard from him a couple times right after he left, then nothing at all until after Tyler was born.

When I was about three months along, my ex and I started talking again. He was being oh so sweet to me. Telling me all the things he had before. Except this time he said we should go to counseling together, really get things worked out for sure this time.

I had told him about being pregnant again. He was even nice about that while we were living apart. Told me that because of my history of miscarriages I should keep this baby (as opposed to abortion, which he later wanted and I refused). He said it might be my only chance to ever be a mom. He wanted me to come back. He was ok with everything.

Foolish me believed him and went back. It was great for about a month. Then life became an absolute living hell for me. The abuse was back again. Except this time it wasn't only me. It was my unborn child too. The names he called my baby are way beyond horrible to ever repeat! I was told I didn't deserve to be a mom; he hoped this "problem" would just hurry up and go away so we could forget it and go on with life. Since I was such an awful person, he would make sure one way or another that baby was never with me. He didn't care how or what he had to do, but I better make sure I didn't try to keep that 'thing' or he'd see to it that 'it' wasn't with me.

Oh man, now what? I could take him being mean to me, but to an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet? How in the world was I going to be a mom, with all that having been said? Did he mean it? Would he really hurt this child if I tried to raise him/her? Answers to those questions were something I wasn't willing to take a chance on finding out. I had to get this little one to a safe place where he could never hurt him after he was born.

That's when I started calling agencies, and finally met Paula and Kevin. From the moment I saw their profile I somehow knew it was meant to be them. We met when I was seven months along. I had Paula come to an ultrasound with me. She now has the pictures from that ultrasound. See, for me I knew there was no changing my mind. It just wasn't an option that was open to me. So I wanted the bond for them and this baby to begin even before birth. Both of them were in the hospital with me. Paula saw Tyler come into this world, heard his 1st cry and has been the only mom to hold him. Nurses asked me if I'd like to hold him when he was born. I said no, give him to his mom (Paula). I did hold him once when he was six months old. I knew I couldn't when he was born. There would have been no walking away if I had, and for his sake I had to walk away. After Tyler was safe, I got myself to a safe place and have since rebuilt a normal, functioning life where my ex can't hurt me anymore...
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Old 08-11-2014, 05:08 PM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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That's when Bud came into my life. I was in a very low place emotionally. It had been less than a year since Tyler's birth so I was still heavily grieving his loss. I've started a memoir chronicling my journey as a birth mother because we are very much a forgotten and discarded part of society. So I'm using my voice to heal not only myself but to reach out to others so they know they're never alone in this world. This is the first page of my memoir. Hopefully it will be published someday when I'm finished writing it. I've written 7 chapters so far.

For one moment in time you were mine. Your life is a mystery to me. Is your face unrecognizable or would I know if it were you standing before me? Do you know the tears I shed each time my mind wanders back to that hot August day in the year 2000? If I allow myself this walk down memory lane will you walk with me one day? Will you ever know that I would have given my life to keep you safe? Will you forgive me for separating us?

In your newborn memory somewhere do you recall the sleepless nights I spent crying while evil slept, hoping somebody, anybody would come save us? But nobody did. My cries went unheard. My silent pleas went unanswered. Soon you would be born with no one around to keep the evil away. Have you been forever lost to me? I hope you have no memory of the evil that separated us. The monster you could hear in the shadows but never saw; he cannot hurt us anymore.

I used to say good triumphed over evil that day but did it really? You were forever torn from my arms. That is what the evil wanted. So maybe evil did win. We'll never have an answer as to who won. We both lost. I lost you. You lost me. We became strangers the day I signed those papers making it official.

Those damn papers severed a spiritual bond that shouldn't have been broken. You were mine. My flesh and blood. My sweat and tears. My dreams of motherhood made you a reality. Get the papers out of my face. You can't have him. He is mine. The evil won't win today, it can't win today. My hand is signing those papers while my soul silently screams out to grab you and run away.

As I write tonight with my eyes closed I can smell the room where you cried for the first time. I feel the pain of your entrance as if it's still happening. The hard bed underneath me. You're crowning. Oh it burns doctor. Please get it out. Get it out. I scream out for you to be gone from the place where I hurt. Inside I scream please please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready for you to go. They can't have you yet. No, no, no, oh God please help me. They can't have him yet. A sigh of relief the burn is gone. I cannot get up to run away with you. The stirrups hold my numb, dead legs spread eagle. The epidural which brought little relief from the pain of labor now holds me a prisoner in this room.

You're here. You're crying. Are you crying out for me? What are you? We didn't know until that moment when the doctor's voice announces it's a boy. I catch a glimpse of you as they hand you to the nurse. Come to me my precious little angel. I will find a way to save us. Do I want to hold you? Oh do I ever. More than anything I want to hold you. I want to hold you forever. I want to run with you from that place to somewhere the evil can't find us.

No, I tell the nurse to give you to your mommy. She takes you in her arms. Her smile lights up the room. She waited a long time for you. She promises me she will keep you safe. She will take you away from the evil forever to a place that knows only love. Do you know how much I love you? I told you as many times as I could before it was too late. I look at you all snuggled warmly in blankets. You look peaceful, as if all is right with the world.

I walk through the exit. The hot sun hits me in the face. It's a huge difference from the air conditioning I just walked out of it. Temporarily my mind forgets the tears stinging my cheeks. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I need to make it to the car before the screaming in my heart becomes too much to bare and I run back inside for you.

Evil is beside me making sure I do not turn back. My ears hear him saying he is glad it's over and that the problem is finally gone. It's too much for my mind to process. The hands of darkness are reaching out to grab me. I finally make it to the car and slide into the seat. What have I done? The world as I knew it no longer exists.

So maybe it was you who won that hot sunny day in August when I walked out leaving you behind. For now I can only hope that you did. That you continue to win each and every day. You, the one who was mine for only a moment in time. I miss you my son. Until we meet again I will hold onto this moment. Evil cannot take that away from me.

This is what it feels like to become a mother without her child, to place a child for adoption. This is a work in progress I hope to have published as a book someday. It's real. It's raw. It's incredibly painful.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:28 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,713

Wow. That was incredibly powerful to read.

Sometime in the last few years someone posted a link here to a TED talk about Frank Warren's PostSecret project. In the post, there was a postcard from a girl given for adoption thanking her (anonymous) birth mother for placing her. Her life was good and she was happy.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 08-24-2014, 01:43 PM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 118

Where to even start this morning....

It's a week from my beloved first son's 14th birthday and I'm feeling a bit anxious about the day. Each year I have a huge meltdown on his birthday. So many emotions that come out. Joy he is growing up. Sadness because I don't get to see it. Anger because I was put in that situation. It's my one day each year when I let it all out. Which is pretty common for birth mothers. Birthdays are usually a big trigger for us.

I haven't decided if I want Sweet Lady here on that day or not. My husband and children are used to my mood on that day. I'm nervous about letting Sweet Lady see me that way. But on the other hand if she's going to become a fully integrated part of our family then she's going to see it at some point.

I have some pretty intense feelings for her developing. It's scarey and exciting to feel this way. Hard to completely let my guard down though. I don't fall in love easily. I care about people and want them to feel loved while I'm around but I don't get attached. It's different with her. I'd have some sadness if she were to leave my life now.

Bud has been amazingly sweet. I should have told him my worries when they first entered my head. I was trying to work through some difficult feelings by myself instead of reaching out to him for help. I'm the one everyone else comes to for help or to talk to in our circle of friends & family. Showing the world I'm feeling weak & need help is hard for me to do.

So the adventure I call life continues....
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Old 08-27-2014, 01:15 PM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 118

It seems just as my own emotions are settling down and I'm getting to a place of not worrying about the adult relationships, life has thrown me another curve ball. All 3 of us have said kids always come first no matter what. Last night when Sweet Lady went home for a little while to check on her kids our oldest came to me wanting her to stay away because she is always here and she wants it back to just her Dad and I. I had no idea how to respond so I told her I would talk about it later after I had a chance to talk with her Dad.

I haven't said anything to Bud or Sweet Lady yet. Sweet Lady's teenage daughter was over here for a while last night. Then after we went to bed Bud was very restless, so was our 3 year old. Bud is having some pretty severe back pain. He couldn't sleep in bed last night. He had to move to the couch in order to be semi comfortable. Everything combined meant I didn't get a chance with both of them alone to discuss what our daughter said.
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