Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-21-2012, 01:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,381

Sounds like you are processing and doing ok in that and keeping it pretty real even if the actual process is with a heavy heart. *hug*

Hope you come to a decision soon.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-21-2012 at 07:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2012, 07:01 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I would be upfront as soon as you can. You are losing sleep, wishing things were different, and living a false life. My ex and I didn't have sex for three years, and he shut down about it. I would say, "we need to have sex again," and he would agree but nothing would happen. It broke my heart. Then one day he told me he wanted a divorce. Atleast if we had made some effort during those last three years to fix things, splitting up would've been easier, or made more sense. But to stay in limbo, no movement, stagnating, suffocating - you deserve better, even if the movement you take is further apart.

Tell your primary you are tired of walking on eggshells around him. Don't hold back your tears. He needs to open his eyes, he needs to hear you, and to talk, no matter how uncomfortable it makes him. This is your life. There is a big issue here that needs serious confronting, and it is hurting your relationship with him and with yourself. Then spill everything and face it all. See where it takes you - whether the remedy is medical (he should get checked for testosterone levels, which can be supplemented), or emotional (therapy, splitting up, etc.), you need it now. Your spirit needs it.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2012, 12:48 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by MzWiz View Post
Believe it or not, he did get Viagra, tried it without telling me, and decided it wasn't for him... I kinda agree in that Viagra and such don't give you desire, they help increase blood flow (thus making erections easier).
Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked, including the free testosterone. The loss of testosterone decreases male desire for everything, so if he's feeling not like his old self, it's likely due to testosterone loss.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2012, 10:26 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,914

Originally Posted by MzWiz View Post
He's just fearful, scared of change....

Yes, things change, people change, I can't say for certain that I'll always hold the same views I hold now, time changes people.....
But isn't that the point of a life partner?
To explore all of life together, which ever aspects of life you chose to experience?
Perhaps... "to death til us part" and all that. But in reality, some people hate change and do anything they can to prevent it in their partner. This is, of course, unrealistic. However, getting married in one's 20s guarantees change. If you've matured too much for your husband's comfort level, in ways that he feels threatened by, it might be time to say bye bye.

(I got divorced after 30+ years of marriage. "We've grown apart and no longer see eye to eye on many subjects." That is what we told the judge and it's true!)

Lack of sex here is probably just a symptom of deeper differences between the 2 of you.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-22-2012 at 10:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2012, 03:27 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35

I can sympathize with you. My partner and I have been together for 10 yrs and he too has lost his will for sex. We're 37 yrs apart. We also have a DADT relationship that I really don't care for, but I also have fallen in love for another. I would like to open up our relationship and make it poly, so both of us would be happy, but it's just not something that I think he can handle. At least he couldn't handle the idea of me dating, I'm not sure how he feels if it were just one steady person. Not sure about that, I will cross that bridge when I get there.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2012, 10:32 AM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 151

Know you aren't alone, this is exactly how I became openly poly with my husband. Only recently he seems to be trying to express an interest in my physically, which is a surprise. I have no secondaries or even any interest. I kid a lot about different possibilities but honestly I have been too busy with my different interests in life to really find someone again.

I will tell you when I told him about the DADT and falling in love with someone he said he was scared that I would just leave him outright. At some point I was tired of feeling resentful and many of the things you are going through.

You know something really strange... years of asking and cajoling about (not) being physical, he has given me some attention lately as I mentioned and emotionally it hurts because I have felt resentful about it for so long... so now I am figuring out what to do with that feeling... I haven't rushed back into getting physical with him just because he is expressing an interest. Also this will sound dumb, but I wondered if truly wants me or just doing because he knows it is what I want... if that makes any sense at all...?

Oh friend, I hope that you can sort it out. You aren't alone for sure.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2012, 01:15 AM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22

Oh MoonGlow.... Hugs to you....
Hugs to all of actually

Yes, I do think it's a deeper difference between us, it's not sex
The lack of physical intimacy is symptom of something else
While he has agreed, again, to get his testosterone evils checked, it's been a week and he's made no steps to see a medical Dr (though he did research a new holistic treatment, to me; this is half measures as we don't know yet if this is the cause)
So I get the verbal....
And no.... well, yes, I do hold back tears....
Mostly because at that point I'm so frustrated, they pour, making it hard to speak (ya, I know that may sound dramatics/pitiful but it's not, when you love deeply, you hurt deeply, life's like that sometimes)

He hugged me this week, a hug from him, his own initiative....
First hug in quite a while....
Our last conversations shook him, he's making nice
But is he, or is it sincere... does it stem from love or fear....?
And how worthy do I feel having to even question this.....?

He tries... I try.... There is tons & tons of love, compatibility, even shared laughter.... We are "well" together, a family....
But not romantic/physical
I need this.... He seemingly doesn't....
Neither of us wants to hurt the other or see them in pain

The DADT, we both knew, held great potential for disruption
Even now, he knows, I'd welcome another (male or female (though preferably ale)) into our relationship....
Yes, we've spoken of this many times over the years
He has no interest what so ever in "adventure" of this nature
Not even porn
We've even discussed "asexuality" (he feels not applicable), latent homosexuality (if I mention that again, he'll blow up; which, of course raises flags in my psyche), and yes; age (sorry, but I'm not buying that one, hormone issues; ok, maybe, but no sex simply because you're getting older, nope, old-old people want to too, my mom's basically twice my age and gets more than me)

Time & sharing....
For me, this fixes most things
Give it time, patiently explain, over & over again....
And share with those who may/can help you along your path
My question to myself is; how much time....?

Love, four little letters.... such a big friggen mess..... :-)
Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2012, 11:00 PM
Rowan's Avatar
Rowan Rowan is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 20


I believe I can understand your issue. I too am a woman who needs to feel attractive to her husband. My husband (while young and healthy with no ED issues at all) has never had a driving sex drive.

For years, my husband has confused my need for intimacy for sex. Don't get me wrong, I could have sex three times a day every day of the year and be content =) But for me "intimacy" is not the same as sex. What I crave is intimacy.

He's learned over the years together that holding my hand in public, kissing me throughout the day (goodbye in the morning, hello when we come home from work, etc); looking me deeply in the eyes and telling me he loves me and other actions of this nature keeps me feeling wanted, loved and happy.

The sucky part is that he's a very non-PDA type person, so holding hands in public is about all he is willing to do. Kissing is a PDA even if it's in our home, if someone else is here. And as for the other romantic type things ... there are days and days where both of us are too busy handling the day to day stuff that yeah, even 5 seconds for a lingering "welcome home" smooch is difficult to find energy for.

Yes, sex is the quickest way for me to feel desirable ... but I'm wondering if day to day stuff is taking over any thought of romantic stuff.

This might be a good common ground for you both?
If Plan A fails, remember you have 25 letters left!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2012, 12:30 PM
Clyde Clyde is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12

You seem to be describing what I found to be probably the most frustrating episode of the longstanding and ongoing relationship with my wife--a period of years when she was either unwilling or unable to communicate (as opposed to merely talking). Hard to say now how much I contributed to the situation, in hindsight at the time both of us seeming not much more than vehicles for our respective demons (imagine a demolition derby in hell).

I was particularly naive back then and tried everything I could think of, including packing up the family and moving overseas for a year partly in the attempt to postpone what appeared to be the looming relationship train wreck, followed by a windows-, doors-, ceiling- & mind-blowing DADT relationship that lasted a number of years, both of which helped me preserve my sanity and regain some perspective--or at least distract me while time did its dirty work.

Years later we're much closer, still in love, a little nearer to being able to communicate, even if each attempt still reminiscent of those nightmares one never resolves because inevitably one wakes up first, screaming.

Being typically male (and hence prone to sharing uninformed opinion, particularly when uncalled for) I don't understand the apparent lack of libido--my own identity depends almost entirely on it--hence possibly an identity issue. It may seem ridiculous to say but likely there's something he's not telling you, perhaps because he's unable to get a grip on it himself, no recourse but what's available to any deer transfixed by headlights. If so it may be only Jung himself could say what.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2012, 02:03 PM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22

I'm sitting here thinking of his face when we discussed tantric sex.... my god you should have seen him, was like I was asking him to eat worms (which surprised me as he's quite open minded on so many other things: holistic medicine, quantum physics, alt energy...)

You're completely right: intimacy
Not logistics, not stuff you'd share with a friend, but the "I'm with you, in this moment" feeling of a good hug, of a deep look, a gentle touch
Yes, sex is great, all those endorphins, heavy breathing, sweat... (and yes, when he does get down to it, he's very good)
But it's the intimate connectedness that has died....

On this forum, I've learnt a new acronym: NRE
Yes, I've NRE with my second, and it's wonderful
With my primary, even now, even through our heated discussions and worse times, I look to him, see the form of him, the length of his person beneath his cloths, and I yearn/burn to run my hands along his form, feel the softness of his skin beneath my lips, breath deeply his smell......
Even when things are well between us, I reach out to him, to hold his hand, hug him, smile into his eyes.... he pulls away, 1001 things more important than giving me a moment of contentment in his arms

When we talk of intimacy, from his perspective, it falls into logistics, and quite honestly that's exactly how it feels as well. A peck befor bedtime akin to brushing ones teeth and equal intimacy/connectedness.
On any given day, when he catches me looking at him, admiring his form, thinking of all the reasons why I love him, smile building on my face, twinkle in my eye, that "ah" building within me.... He gets uncomfortable, asks me what's up, I tell him I'm thinking of all the reasons I love him or some such... He smiles and changes the subject to whatever he's more comfortable with (news, work, logistics)
With my secondary, of of course, takes 3 milliseconds of such energy and he's stuck to me like crazy glue.... and I love it, yes, but it's not where I want to get my "fix" (I'm not a sex addict but yes, the chemicals produced by the system are much like doing drugs, so yes, getting a "fix" is, for me, the logical way to describe it)

So I try & try, research everything, discuss everything (except, I admit, I have not openly said I've activated the DADT, but that's coming, without a doubt, as I don't like lies, even lies by omission.... even if I've been told to omit them)
I've been reduced to keeping my sexual and intimacy needs to myself as an conversations on this subject leads to arguments, defensiveness and frustration on both sides.

To be blunt; I'm tired of chasing him, doing everything I can as so he may, perhaps, want to be within my 3' at some point during the day
I feel like some pathetic pervert begging for their fav kink when all I really want is a decent hug, one that comes from him, his own initiative
We've discussed this, about how, in the beginning, it was all hot & heavy, all connectedness and yearning, we've discussed how logically this hormonal rush fades and something else takes its place, something deeper, more meaningful
But I still want him, want his physical form, want him to want me, want to feel needed/wanted by him....
As I believe love & sex are not necessarily "coupled" (yes, sex is better when they are, but they can be experienced separately), I've offered anything and everything, name it and we'll make it happen...... He has no interest

For me, intimacy is/are one of life's greatest gifts
The emotional intimacy of being able to share life's ups & downs... understand each other without words..... (this we have, yet this is also the kind of intimacy one shares with ones BFF)
But a BFF, no matter how much they love you and want to share life with you, build with you, is just not the same intimacy as being truly wanted as a sexual being....
And therein lies the crux of the issue
We're best friends, family, secure & dependent on each other like two halves of a whole... But there's a piece missing which I see as a big chunk and he sees as a sliver, a minor thing, unimportant
And no matter how many conversations/tears/frustration I voice, for him it's important for those moments I'm upset and then quickly forgotten & brushed aside.... Then I feel forgotten & brushed aside... Resentment builds, communication on even mundane logistics gets all screwed up between us, we resort to solo things/activities to give each other space, we calm down and the issue gets swept under the carpet

I have to say again, many thanks to all of you, truly
Yesterday we tried to talk, he got on the blame game train and for the first time, I didn't join him (I'm very proud of myself for this)
Instead I sat there, smile on my face, and when he realized I didn't "jump", he got seriously flustered
I told him, we've been down this path before (conversation-wise), you admit as much yourself, I find it funny that after all these years we're still "there", that the "why" is still not understood.... He ended up leaving the room & going fishing without me

There is a way..... I'm certain of it....
He's a logical rational human being....
He understand love is love..... But he doesn't quite get that one person can love two or more people, all loving coming from the same place/source within, no one love being more/less than the other, all love/joy/intimacies feeding each other, replicating & magnified as to nourish the betterment of all (yes, I'm an idealist, sorry :-) )

Earlier in my life, I was a player, sex-for-fun....
I'm older now, have a lot of love and emotionally rewarding places in my life (non-sexual: friends, family, respect in the community/work)
The DADT allowed me to express my physical and sexual intimacy needs, and my second has become so much more in my life because he's allowed me to express thus side of myself without shame, without worry ("is he going to like this?... am I too fast/slow....") he actually wants me, it's in his eyes, in his touch... he welcomes me, open arms, and waits for me to kiss him, taking his time, paying attention to me & my needs....

I'm far from done on my conversations with my primary
I don't know where they will lead (even though I have a strong suspicion they may end in separation, that is the very last resort)
I don't understand how he can be happy with his life without sexual intimacy
He doesn't understand why I need it so bad
Yes, we may be at an impass (hence the DADT)
But DADT for me is like I'm hiding part of myself, that my needs are something to be hidden, shameful, dirty.... thus I'm shameful, dirty....
And I'm not, I know I'm not with every fiber of my being (took lots of therapy & sharing to fully absorbe this as it contradicts the imagery he gives me)

Yes, it may be a lost cause, I know that logically
Yet emotionally, I want everything out in the open
I want him to be happy, well within his skin.... and I want to be happy & well within my own skin... I firmly believe there is a middle ground here, I just can't seem to find it

So thank you all, for your insight, your strength, your compassion & love
This forum has/is helping me see different perspectives, different possibilities...
Your strength adding to my own....
The road less traveled is never an easy one
But the rip & replace mentality of today's instant gratification society isn't for me, I want growth within the world I current live, liberation of spirit & soul while maintaining the safety of that which is already in place
The "how" is my challenge..... and I'm determined to find answers....
So thank you for helping me on my journey
You'll never fully understand how grateful I am that you all are there/here
Reply With Quote

communication, dadt, don't ask don't tell, honesty, secrets

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:57 AM.